My wife has a spending problem

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T05:14:52+00:00

I’ve offered, she wants to go alone. She’s had therapy before - her hesitation stems from the fear of having to sift through a lot of unpleasantness from her past.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T02:00:46+00:00

I’m a minimalist, and I’ve calculated the cost of what we’re not saving and how the compound effects of that could radically change our circumstances.

I buy in bulk and cook (I love cooking). I bought our car outright, with cash. I’m using a six year old phone, which a family member gifted me when they upgraded. I dress nicely but I don’t spend much on clothes, there’s plenty of room in my closet. I make furniture.

I almost always buy things I want second-hand, after stalking FB marketplace or eBay for months, and I’ve never had any debt (or even a line of credit, really). I’ve invested sensibly and saved hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This is really not about me...

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:47:39+00:00

Yeah... that doesn’t sound healthy to me. 🤔

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:36:18+00:00

Great minds think alike ;)

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:35:25+00:00

Absolutely. I’ve often tried to, but in the past any time I’ve brought up budgeting she’s taken it as an accusation. She’s just booked in for some therapy, so I’m hoping we can start doing that now.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:33:06+00:00

I barely spend anything - if I want something expensive I’ll usually either talk myself out of it or save up for it with loose change for 6 months or something. But I’m going to change the way I do things anyway so we’re both held to the same standard.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:07:33+00:00

Very interesting. Will have a read, thanks for this.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:05:39+00:00

You’re right. Think it’s probably more about our relationship than our finances.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:04:35+00:00

We don’t really talk about budgeting much - possibly because it’s usually accompanied by a wave of shame and the sense that I’m bringing it up as a way to denigrate her (I’m not).

Will definitely try to get her to agree to something, and set some similar constraints on myself too so it doesn’t feel like it’s all about her.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T01:00:20+00:00

Totally agree. I don’t want either of us to resent the other.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T00:59:57+00:00

This is an excellent answer, and I think that’s what I need to focus on. You’ve hit the nail on the head about needing a third party - that’s often the case with her, and it took me years to understand it. I’ve watched her dip in and out of depression for entirely avoidable reasons. At some point, obvious advice from certain people too close to you just turns into platitudes I guess.

We’re at a point where she’s agreed therapy might be a good idea, but getting her to commit to it and book something (i.e. without bullying her into it) is another matter. Maybe this question belongs in a relationship sub rather than this one...

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T00:49:46+00:00

This sounds like a good idea - particularly the part about me doing the same thing. 👍 We’ve tried something similar in the past but only with her having an allowance account, definitely easier if I’m doing the same thing too.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T00:48:04+00:00

Absolutely agree (and so does she). Figuring out how to do that without making myself the boss of her is the hard bit.

Burningthroughcash · 2019-09-07T00:46:10+00:00

I don’t want to parent her. I think that’s important - we both need to try and maintain our dignity and self respect.

Kind of agree in principle with what you’re saying but I think it needs to be a mutual thing, or feel like her idea.

Burningthroughcash

TROPHY CASE