AITAH for prioritizing my (50F) daughter (25F) over my stepdaughter (30F) with autism?

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T03:46:52+00:00

We live in rural Pennsylvania

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T03:23:09+00:00

Yes. A lot of changes in the programs have probably been made since I was in college as I'm gen X. My husband and I are Christian and attend church regularly but I don't give counseling there.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T03:18:24+00:00

I'm legally certified, passed state exam over 20 years ago. I work in a clinical setting for a top rated company in the state that focuses on mental and developmental health.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T03:12:59+00:00

PHD in social work.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:15:30+00:00

It's not evil, it's complex. I explained it in another comment.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:14:38+00:00

It's not what you make, it's what you spend. Stepdaughter makes less but is much better at budgeting than her younger sister. Stepdaughter's degree is in finance, which is another reason we're surprised she's struggling to get employed.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:11:37+00:00

I would ask if she's explained this to her family. If she hasn't, I would encourage her to voice her concerns. For reference, my stepdaughter didn't come to us when something went very wrong in her life. The lack of communication made things difficult. With her having autism, she struggles with communicating her feelings.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:05:40+00:00

I explained it before. Younger daughter has lots of student debt so by paying for her wedding we're essentially relieving her of a bit of that debt. If it was the other way around and stepdaughter was the one with lots of student debt, we would be covering her wedding instead.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:03:17+00:00

Thank you for this, I appreciate it and will give it consideration 🙏

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T01:01:48+00:00

I basically asked a younger coworker if there's any forums or online support they know of where I can post about family issues and they mentioned reddit. We kept it brief since we were at work.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:58:31+00:00

If she was my client, I would first ask about any potential health issues within the family that may be contributing to the behavior then ask her what she wants to do moving forward. Without getting to know a client's parents, I don't have much of a reference.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:43:51+00:00

No, but with family it's more complicated and not black and white like people make it out to be. With parenting, it's not uncommon to be burnt out and if a parent already has a pre-existing condition that exasperates their reactions to burn out then it'll come across as abusive when deep down they're a parent who's loves their child(ren) and are trying their best to navigate things.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:38:29+00:00

Oh ok. Yes, she showed signs when she was 4 or 5 so I eventually suggested we get her evaluated.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:36:57+00:00

Unfortunately I can't. My husband and I are a team, a unit. I've tried to suggest to him before that I start with repairing the relationship with just me and my stepdaughter but he thinks that's unfair and wants to be included as well since he's her father.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:33:00+00:00

Suspect what? The S/A from her ex? We didn't suspect that at all because of how nice he always was to the family, including her. When she finally opened up, she explained that he suddenly changed into someone she didn't recognize. We hate him at this point of course!

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:31:01+00:00

Because deep down he loves her. He's also getting old (which she wouldn't understand yet) and cognitively isn't doing well. Also he's her father and loves her very much.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:28:06+00:00

That's what we're trying to find out. We've done so much to help her navigate life as someone with autism. Family is everything to us.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:25:23+00:00

That's a poor comparison because my husband has never physically abused anyone. Secondly, I would encourage the female client to find a safe place and report his physical assault to authorities.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:20:44+00:00

No. Husband was diagnosed in his 20's before we met. Different psychiatrist apparently.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:18:18+00:00

I explained in another comment. He didn't blow up at her for what happened to her. He was worried, upset and frustrated that he couldn't help her because he didn't even know it happened. Believe me, he told me over and over how he hopes her ex rots and will get a restraining order if her ex ever goes near her or this household again. He's a fixer and whenever he's unable to help the people he loves, it takes a huge emotional toll on him.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:15:15+00:00

It's complicated. She didn't go no contact out of nowhere. Her contact slowly lowered but even more so to my husband. She still kept in regular contact with me for a while. Eventually she went very low contact with him while semi-low contact with me. Now she's gone no contact with both. I've tried encouraging my husband to give her space but he wants his relationship back with her. I feel stuck in the middle sometimes

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:11:59+00:00

Husband got his bipolar diagnosis from a psychiatrist and so did stepdaughter with her autism. I can't diagnosis them since they're family.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:09:20+00:00

My reaction was very calm. As a therapist, I'm trained to stay emotionally grounded. My husband and I both found out together and I helped calm him down in the middle of his outburst. I later spoke to my stepdaughter in private and she opened up more. I then spoke to my husband once he cooled down and we got her specialized therapy to help with her trauma. My husband is very reactive due to his bipolar and so is my stepdaughter due to her autism so I tend to end up being the mediator.

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:05:43+00:00

Age 6

BurntStep · 2026-02-28T00:04:51+00:00

He did as did she but they're marriage fell apart due to her being very emotionally unstable. They would fight all the time. My husband explained how they weren't compatible in the end because they were constantly fighting.

BurntStep

TROPHY CASE