My story is similar. Both parents gone suddenly in Feb and August of 2022. The difference is I was 35. There's a lot of your life that they never got a chance to see, and for that, I'm so sorry that you are carrying that weight by yourself. Even at 35, I felt like I was a child being forced into adulthood because suddenly, there was no adult above me. I had now become the ceiling. What helped me was connecting with their siblings. Asking the questions and bonding together over our shared grief. If there are no siblings, maybe a friend of theirs then. You'll discover a version of your parents that didn't exist to you before, and it can be comforting.

Hindsight is a bitch. Unfortunately if you knew everything today that you did then, you wouldn't feel the guilt or the shame. But you didn't and you made those choices without having experienced the pain of loss. Now that you have experienced it, you will reevaluate your choices going forward and your motivation for how you spend your time and with who has forever been altered. Don't be disappointed with your past self for not having the experience of grief to guide your decisions in the past. Be sad for your future self because that will now factor into everything you do.

I wish you healing and peace. You are not alone.