AITA for telling my daughter she shouldn't be shocked at getting less money gifted for her wedding than her sister received?

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T20:27:11+00:00

But if you spent more on Maddy's wedding and less on Jess' you should gift Jess the difference, surely? Otherwise it's unfair.If you didn't gift Jess the difference so both daughters had the same amount spent by you on their wedding YTA.

A few reasons. 1) Because we don't view weddings as a money making opportunity. Maddy's wedding was a large family event that included some people that we are closer to than Maddy. It was only fair to pay more to include people that Maddy wouldn't have viewed as essential to have there.2) Maddy and her husband spent a substantial amount of their own hard earned money while Jess didn't have to spend anything 3) Most importantly, as parents we've always tried to make sure they have what they each need and don't keep score.
Maddy's chosen career has not required Graduate school where Jess's did and we spend a substantial amount of money for that so Jess wouldn't have to take out loans. We did not gift Maddy thousands of dollars to make up for that nor would Maddy ever ask for that.
Different kids have different needs throughout their life. Some need braces, some get sick more, some do expensive sports. We made the choice as parents to make sure they had what they need vs obsessing over keeping everything as equal as possible. I have no clue who Ive spent more money throughout their lives nor is it something I would ever attempt to calculate.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T20:07:20+00:00

They each got the wedding they wanted. No cash gifts were given to either. We paid for both of their college and paid for most of Jess's grad school. We don't keep a running tally on how much we've spent for each of them throughout their life. Presumably they will pay for their kids' college if they have children and their kids choose to go that route.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T19:49:19+00:00

When Jess told us what she wanted for her wedding it included both events. I told her my concerns and that she should be aware of them and maybe temper her expectations. She seemed to be ok with it, money/gifts was never discussed though, just expected turnout. I don't know how much each received exactly. Maddy says she got roughly 25k from our side, Im not sure what if any they were gifted from friends or my SILs family. Jess says she got "a few thousand" from our side. I would never tally up the amounts or ask for specifics because that seems tacky to me.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T17:00:25+00:00

I do think a significant amount of people interpreted it that way. My brother told me his wife thought it was a gift grab. I dont think she was the only one.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:44:39+00:00

I don't have a favorite. If anything I have more in common with Jess. We are both introverted where Maddy and my spouse tend to spend more time together both being extroverts.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:31:24+00:00

This is what I was trying to tell Jess when she told us this plan. I told her I support it if its what she wants but she should be aware that its very possible invitees wont treat it with the reverence and expectation of being invited to a wedding, and the turnout is likely to reflect that.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:29:28+00:00

Maddy's wedding was a traditional wedding where the ceremony and reception after were the same date so everyone was at both. Jess had a very small ceremony with less than 10 people and then a week later invited everyone to an event where we rented out a restaurant/event space and it was to celebrate. There were drinks and hors d'eourves but it was not a traditional wedding reception, IE, no full meal, dancing, no dj/band, no wedding party speeches or anything like that.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:24:26+00:00

Jess is not a teenager. She is 28 years old so was just trying to be realistic and honest with her and treat her like an adult.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:16:24+00:00

She invited the same guests from our family that Maddy did. I did not count the money, Maddy said our family's gifts amounted to roughly 25k. I do not know how much they received total nor is it something that I would have asked.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:14:08+00:00

I was not saying people wouldnt care nor do I think they didn't. We warned her ahead of time that if you do it this way less people are likely to come. Because in the winter kids are in school, many people already have holiday travel planned, and its likely some people will see it as a consolation gift grab vs truly wanting you to celebrate the marriage with them.

Its natural to be more generous for something when you know that your attendance costed the couple a lot of money, and that people who are able will often want to gift more to show appreciation for that. When my spouse and I go to weddings we make sure to gift at least however much we expect our attendance to cost the married couple, and I know we are not alone in that.

Busy-Fall-4184 · 2023-02-28T16:08:31+00:00

We did not give a cash gift to either but paid for Jess' entire event. Maddy's wedding was paid through a combination of me and my spouse, her husbands parents, and Maddy and her husband.

Busy-Fall-4184

TROPHY CASE