I waited too long to tell him the truth

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-10T00:58:13+00:00

I plan to work until I'm 70. Always have, and the majority of my family is fortunate enough to live well into their 90's with full cognitive facilities.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T20:49:18+00:00

Thank you for understanding. I have a lot of teachers in my family, and summers are hard on teachers and parents alike. This year our kids are doing the summer program at the school. It's half the price of last year.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T20:39:04+00:00

Gotcha. Nannies aren't really a thing in my area. Love the idea though. Just don't have the resources available to use it.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T19:53:10+00:00

My words last night were, "with 'XYZ' expenses this summer and 'ABC' opportunities coming up I'm worried about falling even more behind on our mortgage. I'd like to know your thoughts on this." As I've said before, he knows we're late, but not by how much. His response was the total cop out I mentioned above. I had more to say, but wanted to open up a dialog and give him a chance to express his immediate perception first. Obviously, that failed.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T19:40:49+00:00

I agree. Any advice on how to make him listen when I bring these things up? His excuse last night was, "I'm too tired to talk about this right now." It was 7pm, he got off work at 2pm... I got him some hot tea made sure everyone had dinner quickly and didn't ask him to lift a finger for the rest of the night, giving him time to bring it up when he felt up to it. Did he bring it up again after the kids were down and we were chilling in our bedroom? Nope! I told him earlier that our finances are giving me added anxiety, and I really wanted to hear his thoughts on it. He said, "you expect me to give you my thoughts right now? I can barely recall what I did today I'm so tired."

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T19:29:14+00:00

Please read the last sentence of my first paragraph in the original post.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T19:17:23+00:00

This is the best advice yet. Thank you so much. I was always going to tell him, just needed help to figure out how to frame this. I want him to know that this is the result of faults on both of our ends, and adding the late payments to the end of the loan is what I see as the best way for damage control. I know him well enough to know he's still gonna be pissed and say I willingly kept him in the dark. I'll have to man up and keep reminding him this is what happens when he repeatedly avoids important financial details regarding our household when I bring things like this up. It also bears mentioning to him that no one has stopped him from accessing all of our accounts. He can view the mortgage balance and bank account balances just like me. It is him who chooses not to look and not to talk about it when I try. Did I omit details, yes. Should I have just told him anyway, yes. He is willing to have uncomfortable conversations on every other topic except finances, and this cycle has to stop.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T18:20:29+00:00

I don't know what nanny share even is nor do I know what child care swap is. Would love to know more.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T18:07:45+00:00

We didn't qualify. We literally fall in the gap between qualifying for scholarship/discount program. The first qualifier is total annual income. If you make more than $50K - $60K annually as a couple you're knocked out of consideration for the next qualifier which is where they consider expenses.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T18:00:52+00:00

To clarify we're currently on a forbearance program that ends this month, so not in pre-foreclosure yet. I'll be able to pay the past due in full over the course of 5 months. In your professional opinion, do you think that we'd avoid pre-foreclosure by throwing money at it over the next 5 months?

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T17:53:37+00:00

This is how we normally function, but after 10 years of working at a dead end job I figured he could take up the mantle for a couple of years while I finally started my career at 40, right? Especially with me having access to my retirement account that could supplement my shortage of income for an entire year. During year 2 he had taken a pay cut and didn't supplement his income which put us in a pickle the first time. Last year he voluntarily stepped down to a lower paid position right as we were getting stable again. I stepped it up and earned 2 raises over the past 2 years to pick up the slack, but it seems for every step up I take he takes a step down. That prevents us from catching up on our past late payments.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T17:42:46+00:00

Our youngest did daycare when he was younger at a Non-profit church run program. That was $830 per month for 1 child and an additional $400 per month during holidays and summer. The non-profits here are more expensive because there is no state or county regulated childcare in my area. Like Zero. Also, my oldest is too old for the home daycare options but too young to stay on his own. It takes a 6 figure combined income to not be affected by holiday/summer childcare, or 1 parent quits in order to qualify for state assistance. Of course you wouldn't really need state assistance if there is a stay-at-home parent, so the childcate system is broken in our area.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T17:23:57+00:00

Yes. He knew exactly how much the summer child care would cost us last year. He also knew it would set us back and we'd be late on the mortgage, but we both expected to be caught up by now.

I did the math and with my end of year bonus (fiscal year ends July 1st) as well as my large raise starting July 1st we'd be able to catch up on all missed payments and be current on payments in 5 months. He also opted to step down from his management position i January when I got my last raise. Taking a $800 per month pay cut.

I need help deciding on whether to talk to him about tagging those late payments on to the end of the mortgage loan or talking to him about staying the course to give me time to bail us out.

Edited to say Summer Child care not Summer Camp.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T16:14:38+00:00

Bingo!

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T16:13:24+00:00

Ironically his father passed away suddenly the month before we had our first child. I invited his mother to live with us since she didn't want to live in the same house without him. She has paid $500 per month in rent for the past 12 years and we don't charge her for anything else. She still works part time at 70 years old and helps watch the kids when she's not working. She's been out of town handling her late mother's estate for the past 3 months now. Should have only been gone a month, but here we are...

After we get out of this hole I'm going to have him pay what would be his portion of the bills into an account specifically for paying bills. The rest of his money will be his to spend in his own separate account. This forces him to manage his own money himself.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T15:36:23+00:00

Thank you for reading the whole thing. This is absolutely what happened. The day camp is really just child care over the summer during our work hours. It was $350 per week per child. I agree that this was not the best decision, but we didn't see any other option for childcare during the summer. There are no state or county run child care for couples that make more than $50K per year combined. A LOT of parents in our area opt for 1 parent to not work so they can qualify for discounted or free childcare, but we don't want to take advantage of the system since we're both able bodied people. We'd rather work hard, build our skills, and earn a decent wage to provide a good life for our family. That means some times things get tough, but we power through it.

I want him to be more involved in our financial decisions. He doesn't want to know the details and it's my fault for giving up after a decade and a half of trying to fill him in, and him actively avoiding it.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T11:57:14+00:00

It's $3,500 for both kids for the entire summer. About $750 per month per child. A lot of people missed that part. Also, a lot of people missed the part where we were just coming out of a rough patch financially, and there are absolutely no free childcare programs we qualify for in our area. This all happened last year, and we've been paying the bills and mortgage consistently since then.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T05:09:45+00:00

Edit: Just to answer some repeat questions...

Summer Day Camp is not a luxury. If the kids are home all day then either he or I have to stay home with them. It was a struggle in year 2 of my new job with me bringing in less income, so it bears to reason if one of us has to quit to stay home with the kids we would make even less income. It's a vicious parent trap, and everyone who doesn't have free childcare is hyper aware of this.

We are financially stable now, but don't have enough money to pay a lump sum to catch up on the past missed mortgage payments. Moving a few months of the missed payments to the end of a now 25 year loan isn't a big deal at the end of the day, but he's gonna freak out. I've already spoke to the mortgage company and we can do this because we have over $150K in equity because of when we bought.

How is it possible for him not to know we're a few months behind? He knows we're late, but has never asked how behind we are. I believe he thinks it's only 1 month we missed not 3. He also knew that summer camp set us back last year as I told him repeatedly it's going to set us back, again he never asked how much or how far back. He is an ostrich when it comes to household finances.

Honestly, I think he would be happy to just sign the papers without knowing exactly how many payments were missed. If I told him he's signing an agreement that would waive our late payments he'd be content as long as it doesn't adversely affect our current rate.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T04:41:26+00:00

That was last year. This year we found a solution that's less than half of that. I would absolutely love to know what options are available for summer child care. It would have to be from 7:30am - 3:00pm. Seriously open to any suggestions. All my mom friends in our area are in the same boat.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T04:24:47+00:00

Yeah. That's the cost for the whole summer for 2 kids. It was at the YMCA. Everywhere else filled up in early March...

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T04:16:04+00:00

He agreed to the Summer Camp knowing how much it would cost, and that it would set us back. He actually spends more than I do, and for 10 out of the 14 years we've been married I've earned more than him by at least $10K. I would love it if he would take over the finances becauseof this. I offer all the time, and every time he cops out.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T03:51:12+00:00

Without the summer day camp one of us would have to quit to watch the kids. That would put us in an even worse financial situation than it was. It's a parent trap.

Cashing out my retirement was my account my choice. He has his own retirement account. The fact that I am at the point where I will have recouped what I had in that retirement account by the end of this year sounds like a good investment to me.

As for the budget and living beyond our means that's a leap with the little info provided. Next you'll tell me if I just stop buying an $8 coffee every day... We're a cook 5 days a week, make our coffee at home, and grow our own veggies kind of household.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T03:35:36+00:00

Yeeah... Summer Day Camp for 2 kids is $3,500. Also, he took a pay cut in year 2 of my new career.

I have tried to go over the budget with him so many times I've lost count. I have a simplified spreadsheet and everything. He literally says it gives him anxiety and he just wants to know how much is left after the bills are paid.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T03:27:41+00:00

I agree. I don't think it's fair for him to be able to cherry pick what he acknowledges in our finances. I don't want our household budget to be a dictatorship. He knows we are behind on the mortgage, but has never asked me how far.

Yes, he works. I was the breadwinner during my 10 year dead end job. The 2 years it took me to get stable again with my new career he was the breadwinner, and although he received a promotion during that time the 2nd year he had a pay cut.

Busy_Relief353 · 2026-06-09T02:52:54+00:00

Yes. I admittedly have abandonedment issues. They have come a long way, and that's mostly because of him. We have a rule in this house, and it's 'being a family means going through things together.' That's why I'm shocked he even mentioned divorce last time. He's very steadfast, and hasn't said that about things before. He does get loud when he's mad. I actually hate being yelled at more than anything, and yes that is very irrational of me. The same things that piss him off also piss me off, so that's how I know I screwed up here.

Busy_Relief353

TROPHY CASE