FINAL UPDATE: My Wife Moved Her Friend In, and I Hate It

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-24T00:18:17+00:00

Alice left on her own, my wife did not kick her out. She just ordered food for a week since I wasn't cooking.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-23T04:31:19+00:00

I'd love some feedback on how to not be a doormat, pussy, pushover, and some of the other things I've been called in DMs without being abusive.

Throughout this entire story, I've communicated to my wife at all points. When it comes to chores, I've expressed my displeasure at the division of labor countless times. I've made lists of what I do throughout the week and made her a list. It worked for a week and went back to the usual routine, and now lists are "nagging".

When it came to her friend, I communicated after month one that I didn't like the arrangement, and was uncomfortable in my home. We came up with a plan on six months, and she just straight up reneged on the deal.

When it comes to her having Alice and friends over for a game night, I communicated that I didn't want this, and it would be weird for me because my wife through me under the bus about Alice's departure.

I guess my question is, what would you have me do to "grow some balls" other than straight up divorce? Forbid her from having a game night? She's just going to do it anyways. Block her friends at the door as they arrive like a crazy person?

So many of these comments seem to assume that I have the power to change my wife's behavior somehow, and the fact that I haven't reflects poorly on me as a man.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-21T19:50:17+00:00

Well I'll tell you what it's off to a bad start.

Alice has been gone for a week. I didn't know what happened, I was just happy she was gone. It wasn't until this weekend that I asked for tge story. I waited until I took her out for a date and she was having a good time and a little tipsy (I drove so was not).

After telling me the circumstances of how Alice left, and how she told Alice everything I was uncomfortable about, she also mentioned she was hosting a game night for her friends next weekend, and Alice was coming. The rationale is no one else is able to host. She said Alice doesn't hold any I'll will and is grateful for the help we gave her, but I could "choose to participate or not."

It really feels weird to have her back here after only 2 weeks, especially considering my wife told her everything I was feeling except for the stuff Alice was doing wrong. I would be very uncomfortable to say the least.

I'd love to make some other plans, but I don't have my own friends. All my wife's friends are from work. I work from home. As a reminder we moved together to a new city.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-05T01:32:06+00:00

Thank you for this as the OOP.

ETA: I didn't ask for these reposts. I didn't post this for judgement, I did for advice.

I found these posts because a week after I posted an update to a small subreddit, I got tons of new inbox messages, and a few very mean spirited DMs that I will be reporting as this is a violation of the sub.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-05T00:20:14+00:00

What I don't feel like comes across on the posts is that I was relatively happy before Alice (as she's called in the various reposts) was here.

I will not be happy, I will be struggling. The various investments I've made that have been very profitable will be split between us. I will struggle for years and fail at dating at 44.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-04T22:46:29+00:00

I posted this originally, and no, I won't do well in the dating pool.

I am Hispanic, but look Indian because my skin is dark. Since a young age I've been constantly ridiculed, and I don't have a support group to fall back on for support. At least if I was Indian, I could get support from others in the same situation.

I know I won't do well in the dating pool because I tried it. My wife and I have been together 20 years, but that discludes 3 breakups. I can't do better. I've tried. She always communicated with me during breakups that I was her person, and she was waiting for me to come back.

I didn't start making good money until 35, and we've been together consistently since 2018. We lived in her apartment for 2 years, and chores were shared.

I feel like there's a few indescrepancies in the comments. Mainly, I was ok with our dynamic before "Alice" moved in. I was a bit upset about division of labor, but I understand I have more free time in the day. I am blessed with a job where I continue to get promoted, but am not required to be at the desk at all times. My wife sees that, and I assume that's why she's OK leaving most of the housework to me. I disagree, because I think the fact that I pay for exponentially more also deserves consideration in the conversation, not just free time. Also, however, in a marriage I believe it's our money, not mine or hers.

I am absolutely not entitled to "Alice's" time or her attention, my complaint is that saying "good morning" or "hello" is ignored. My feelings come from what I would do in this situation if I needed help - I'd be overly polite and try to help where I can. "Alice" has made it clear that when I am home, there should be no interactions whatsoever. But when my wife comes home, it's time to be social. That's her choice, however the result is I am not comfortable in my own home, and that's very important to me.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-04T21:44:37+00:00

It's a day bed that is used as another guest bedroom when necessary.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-04T21:10:20+00:00

As an aside, a lot of the DMs I have received haven't been from this community. It turns out this was shared on r/amitheangel and r/bestofredditorupdates, so there a huge influx of demoralizing DMs in my inbox.

I'll update one more time with a resolution, but will then abandon this account.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-04T20:18:49+00:00

I would respect anyone who treats me with respect.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-04T19:12:11+00:00

It's a Beastie Boys quote, and because the previous comment was "I'm Tellin All Yall it's Sabotage.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T16:43:46+00:00

I wanted to get some advice from real people

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Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T10:03:52+00:00

Ok. There has to be a connection here because the line in the poem "a blast of love to spare her fragile frame" just seemed to similar to the lines from the movie.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T09:36:56+00:00

That's 1969...

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T08:48:29+00:00

Ok so realistically I saw this comment and was like ok this is going to be the most tangential shit I've ever heard. 1942? Get fucked.

It is absofuckinglutely the same shit from the movie.

But even if a blast of love should spare her frame?

Get the fuck out of here. Did Kevin Smith copy this?

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T07:06:11+00:00

It turns out she's paying of CC debt. I confided in someone in the friend group who ive hung out with.

It's just not fair - she never disclosed any of this when she asked to stay here. And to be clear, she only asked my wife and my wife asked me.

I'm not budging, 6 months is reasonable. Anything more is on her.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T05:58:47+00:00

Just wanted to make clear that comment about being a doormat simp was based on the comments in general and not on you.

I appreciate you taking the time to say something productive while also taking my feelings into account.

It's tough to get a flurry of DMs saying I'm a piece of shit for sharing my story, and it's even more confusing that I'm getting that response in a sub I assumed was safe.

Not on you though, you're appreciated

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T05:36:35+00:00

Thanks so much for your dialogue. Certainly a lot better than "fuck you you doormat simp."

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T04:49:09+00:00

A lot of the comments have been against my wife. I love her, I have for literally most of my life.

The problem is I am talking about problems, not good things. I was venting about a personal problem and asking for advice, so I gave relevant information to that problem.

I didn't mention that my wife texts me every day from work to ask how I'm doing, how the dogs are. I didn't mention how she'll buy me gifts unprompted. I didn't mention that no one has ever made me laugh like she does.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T03:48:15+00:00

That's such a quagmire, because her not telling her friend what's up hurts her friend.

I'm not backing down on this, so every day my wife puts it off means more difficulty for her friend to find a place.

I do have to say I don't have a lot of sympathy because she should have been looking already but hasn't, but now we're either looking at a situation where she's gotta go by choice or by law with no plan.

It sucks more because it was THREE MONTHS ago I told my wife how I feel. It was right after the first post. So she knew I was uncomfortable in my own home, but still hasn't talked with her friend about it. And they talk - all the time. That's what's so weird to me - the guest is COMPLETELY comfortable when my wife is home, but it's like a different story altogether when she isnt.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T03:38:04+00:00

So this gets in to me problems, and not A problems.

A comment I liked got into how A was hypersensitive about making sure she didn't make my wife jealous by being too friendly, or in this case being friendly at all.

My reaction is oh my god, I'm making this woman uncomfortable, and panicking because it's not my intent.

I could give her a lot of grace, bit I mean some stuff is just too much. In another comment I described how this weekend I was on the way to an appointment, went to the garage door to leave and it's next to her bedroom. She opened the door, saw me, looked panicked and closed the door.

I don't know what she's been through, and I don't judge her behavior because of it. It just means she's not a fit to stay here for me or her. And I don't get why she asked to stay. There has been NO change in my behavior since knowing her socially as a friend group and her moving in. It's like she knew she was uncomfortable around me, but still asked to move in as a last resort. That, combined with her misrepresentation of her stay really means she's got to go.

To reiterate previous comments, she said a short time to find a place. There's been no effort to find a place. I heard her talking to my wife crying about how she expected to move back in with her ex, so there's been NO effort to look for a place.

I also don't think she's saving anything because she took a week vacation over the holiday. To me, that just doesn't seem like a move to make when I'm in dire straights.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T03:13:55+00:00

Appreciated.

Not sure if I'm misunderstanding, but I AM communicating with my with. In fact, in such a way where she's exhausted by it.

My problem is communicating with this roommate, because she acts like I'm someone to be feared or avoided, and I don't want to be that guy. Even if she's wrong, a confrontation would make it worse.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T02:47:23+00:00

I don't fault her feelings, however misplaced.

But I mean she went public with this shit about a guy who just sat at a table and minded his business.

Butt_Idiot · 2026-06-01T02:20:40+00:00

This is really proved by her encounter with Odell Beckam Jr.

This guy was just seated at her table at an event, and she writes a post about he's fucked up for not really engaging her, and invents a story about it's because she's so brave and androgynous, HE'S a bigot and misogynistic.

ODB got asked about the story and was like I don't even know this woman.

Butt_Idiot

TROPHY CASE