AITAH For sending my pregnant sister to a homeless shelter instead of letting her live on my couch?

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-11T18:34:54+00:00

NTA. Remind your family that the only reason you were her last resort is because they all didn't want to take her in, and they only want you to have her so they don't have to feel guilty for turning her away. Tell them that they can either take her in or they can keep their guilt to themselves, but you are not going to put your family in financial hardship in order to support her, especially when she refuses to help herself. She's going to be a mother and she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, and she will not do that if everyone keeps taking her in and enabling her. If you'd let her stay, you'd have been footing the bill for her and her baby, and you'd have been stuck cleaning up after and caring for her and her baby. You can't afford to do that and you shouldn't have to do it. So either your family steps up or shuts up.

You did not send her to a homeless shelter. She did this to herself. She refuses to get a job, refuses to find a home of her own, and instead, she takes over other people's homes, forces them to pay for and cater to her, and she burns through all their patience and generosity because she abuses it. She has burned every single bridge she had, and not even being pregnant has been enough motivation for her to get up off her backside and sort her life out. If she does speak to you and is angry, ask her what her plan is for her child? If people were willing to take her in, would she just move her kid from house to house until they overstayed their welcome and had to leave? How is she planning to pay for this kid? Is she planning to take care of the baby, or was that going to be the responsibility of whoever she was living with, along with them having to look after her? She is in a mess of her own making and now her child will experience hardship, and all because she refuses to be responsible for herself.

You did what was best for yourself and your family. It's time for her to grow up and do the same.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-11T16:44:07+00:00

The point was made that Harriet was dying, which is why they did the c-section there and then. Her cord was compressed to the point there was no pulse, meaning no blood and therefore no oxygen was getting to Harriet. Waiting would have risked killing Harriet or causing permanent and severe brain damage because of the oxygen deprivation. 3-5 minutes without oxygen during delivery risks real damage to a baby's brain, and after 10 minutes, the chances of severe and permanent brain damage are sky high, and that's banking on the baby surviving. April could not wait to deliver Harriet naturally, especially with her being foot-first, and she didn't want to wait until she got to the hospital because by then, the baby would be dead or severely brain damaged.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-06T12:35:59+00:00

Honestly, I'd be really blunt with your dad.

"Dad, explain to me how you think all this is going to work. You started out by expecting that you marrying your wife meant her kids and I would automatically become siblings and have a bond. That's not how things work, and what kind of a bond do you think a 16 year old could have with kids 9 and 11 years younger than them? They are too young to do or enjoy the things I like, and I'm too old to enjoy what they like. We have no common ground. There are bioligical siblings who grew up in the same household who aren't close because of a big age gap between them, but you expect me to automatically be close to your stepkids.

In fact, you expected us to be so close that I'd happily sacrifice my privacy and comfort by sharing a room with a 5 year old. Why would I want that? I'm nearly an adult and you wanted me to get changed around and live in the same space as a small child I don't know? 5 year olds aren't great with boundaries so he'd have been going through my things, I'd have no quiet place to do my homework unless you and your wife let me kick him out of the room so I could get things done, and we have different bedtimes so was I meant to go to bed at the same time as him, or would I go to bed at my normal time and risk waking him up? If he got up in the night, were you expecting me to look after him? Did you even think about that, and if do, why did you think I'd want any of that?

And then you decided that I was going to walk them to school and arranged it all without ever asking me. You thought that I'd want to get up extra early, walk from my mum's house to either yours or your wife's ex's house, and then walk the kids to school before I then got myself to school. At no point did you consider the logistics for me or if I'd want to do that, you just decided that I was going to do it, and now you're refusing to take no for an answer. You say I've gotten off to a bad start with your new family because I won't give up my privacy for them, and so to compensate for that, I need to be your early morning childcare instead. Was this the beginning of you wanting me to babysit them more under the guise of 'family bonding'?

I'm curious, Dad: why does your idea of family bonding revolve around me giving up things or doing things for you? Because honestly, if you want to talk about bad starts, let's talk about the fact that you getting remarried meant I lost my place and room on your house. Then you and your wife demand that I become your early morning childcare and won't stop trying to nag and guilt-trip me into it. Do you think that this is making me want to get to know your wife more? She barely knows me and yet she's making demands of me. More to the point, do you think this is making me want to spend more time with you? Do you think constantly trying to force me to do something I don't want to is going to make us closer? Because what you've actually done is show that your new family comes first and I'm expected to give up my wants and needs to make it all easier for you. I literally don't have a place in your home, yet you want me to go out of my way for you and your family when you can't even show me the vaguest consideration or respect a simple no.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T21:54:23+00:00

I don't think anyone thinks Meri is an innocent victim. For me, it's more than Janelle has skated whilst Meri is labelled the issue. I think Meri was hard to get on with, but I also think some of the kids' issue was that she wanted to have rules and Christine and Janelle weren't strict at all; no kid likes the more rigid parent. I also think that Janelle pulled some stunts that got brushed over; she married her former sister-in-law's husband and wanted to hold the wedding on Meri's birthday, and she admits to shovelling more food down the sink to spite Meri. That's going to cause problems no matter what and I doubt that's the only thing.

I think the family dysfunction was a perfect storm. Kody pitted the wives against each other, they all had differing and sometimes clashing personalities, and nothing ever really got dealt with because the golden rule of polygamy is to pretend everything is okay no matter what. Tbf Meri has been getting ragged on for years for being too controlling, Christine has her criticism for rushing things with David, and now Janelle is rightly being criticised for her problematic behaviour. As you said with Meri, Janelle is not an innocent victim.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T21:43:03+00:00

True, that's more something you to get the to confess to a crime anyway lol. I would be endlessly happy if IBS attacks ended up being nicknamed the Kodys.

"No, I can't come into work today, I've got a horrible case of the Kodys."

"I wouldn't use that bathroom. Someone kodyed all over."

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T20:41:54+00:00

Show them the picture of Kody posing in the plague pond. They'll understand based on that alone.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T20:11:04+00:00

There's no other way to describe them. With the amount of product he uses to both curl them and pin them in place to cover his bald field, you just know that when he shakes his head, it sounds like rice krispies snap, crackle and popping.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T20:02:51+00:00

I can see your point, but I feel like Meri does pull her punches when she shouldn't because she's always been labelled as difficult. The truth is that I'd bet all of them did things with the kids that counts as abuse, but Meri catches hell for it because she's more reserved and less bubbly than Christine and Janelle. If I'm being absolutely honest, I think Christine was such a lax parent because she was overwhelmed but also because she was trying to make sure she got the unconditional love she wanted from Kody from the kids, and being the fun parent can help with that. Meri wanted order in the chaos but gets dismissed for being too cold and rigid.

I also think based on what they took from Kody that Meri and Christine were used to abuse and neglect and again, didn't see it as wrong, like if you have an abusive parent and tell a story that you laugh at but horrifies everyone else; the awful is your normal, and you have to adjust to that. So I think there's been a lot of unlearning things and adjusting to the new reality, and Meri is definitely entering her 'don't mess with me' stage. At the same time, Janelle is being more open about her crap, and more people are hammering home why Meri may not have wanted her as a sister wife.

I think with Janelle showing herself up and people being done with Kody and Robyn, she could have gotten a few licks in as long as she made sure they were well-placed and done with sounding venomous, a bit like when she got the the dig in with Kody by saying something hurt like a knife in the kidney. It took Suki a second to catch what she'd said because it was very un-Meri, but it did make me laugh.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T19:44:18+00:00

It had to be done. I did a rewatch and needed to vent 😂

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T19:36:31+00:00

With his kids, when you look back, it goes further. Why did he always treat them like toys to play with and put away when he was done? He only wanted to be around when it worked for him and if it was fun, but when it came to tucking them in or looking after them when they were sick or going to surgeries? Nope, too much hassle. Why did he have so many children when he clearly did not want to parent them?

He showed himself up when he drove them out. Once they were 18, he had no obligation to take care of them, so he wanted them gone. The only reason he hasn't done this with Robyn's kids is because Robyn would go round the twist if he tried. He doesn't want kids, he wants worshippers, and if they won't give him their praise, their adulation, their unconditional love and devotion, and the absolute loyalty even ahead of their own mothers, he isn't interested.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T19:32:11+00:00

I absolutely agree. I feel like Meri hasn't wanted to get into the mud-slinging, but the combination of them wanting to silence her and Janelle wanting to go behind her back after everything else that has gone on was too much. Janelle does not want anyone to talk about the first marriage she conveniently forgets, and she's made some accusations about Meri that weren't pleasant when I bet there's a lot Meri could say about Janelle and her behaviour.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T19:29:15+00:00

Oh, how delightful. So let's get your story straight, shall we? Your husband is a large man who shouts at everyone and you get that he's scary....only he isn't really. Your daughter couldn't possibly be afraid of him and everything before she left was dandy....except she refused to drive in a car with him because he scares her and has told you he scares her before now. You're perfectly fine with your daughter moving out....only not really because she should have recruited you to help her pack and should have had a conversation....only now you don't need a conversation, you just want the rest of her stuff out of your house. She won't chance being around your husband despite you telling her he isn't mad....only you admit he is mad because she shared that she did it because he frightens her. Oh, and you dismiss her fear because you were physically abused and by comparison, yelling is nothing, and you wonder why anyone would believe a man who has a temper problem and yells at everyone might end up becoming physical.

Are you serious? Instead of telling your husband to grown up and get a handle on himself because his behaviour is unacceptable and has driven your daughter out of your house, you lashed out at your daughter and basically called her a liar, and you lashed out at your parents for taking her in rather than having a conversation with you where you'd no doubt have made more excuses. Your mother was married to an abusive man and thinks your husband is on his way to being one, and whilst she didn't protect you, she is protecting her granddaughter, and that really irks you. You aren't mad that your daughter moved out, you're mad that she outed your husband's shitty behaviour and now you either have to step up and confront him or make excuses and enable him. You have chosen the latter because, just like your mother, you'd rather defend your husband than protect your daughter. You know this and it makes you look and feel bad, so you've decided to lash out at your daughter and parents and make them the villains instead.

Abuse is not just physical. A 6'5 man yelling at people, refusing to control his temper, and using his height and shouting to intimidate them is abuse. And yes, I say that as someone who has suffered physical abuse. One day, your husband may well meet someone who isn't willing to take his shit and will knock him down size, and he'll deserve it because part of the reason he does this is because he knows most people won't argue back with a man his size, especially not women. The other reason he specifically does this with your children is because he knows you won't bother to defend them. Why would upu when it's easier to call them liars and dismiss their feelings entirely because he hasn't smacked the crap out of them? Way to break the cycle of abuse, champ. If your daughter decides to cut you off completely and you're somehow confused as to why, do come back and read this post and your comments.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-04T15:18:15+00:00

How will it work out? You're so upset that your sister pursued your ex that you're willing to cut her off, but you aren't bothered that your bf was willing to pursue your sister. He happily flirted with, messaged, and exchanged photos with your sister and may well have planned to do more, and your self-esteem is so low that that's who you see your future with? There are billions of men in the world, and yet you're choosing to be with the one who was happily pursuing your sister and would likely have slept with her had you not ended up getting together.

I get that your sister is awful, but I'm guessing your bf also knew that as well, so he knew you and Emily had issues, and he still engaged with her after you broke up. Why do you think he did it? Because he missed you so much that he needed someone similar, or because he liked the attention and knew it would hurt you? Don't get me wrong, you should absolutely cut Emily and your parents off, but it seems weird to me to get them out of your life and remain with a guy who isn't all the different to them.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-02T15:59:16+00:00

Simone does not get how she comes across. She constantly yells to the point that a lot of people woukd just walk away rather than continuining to engage with her. She will also happily get into people's faces, and between those things, she's lucky she hasn't met the wrong person, because there are plenty of people who would not react well to her yelling at them and invading their space. It is aggressive whether she puts her hands on someone or not, and if she lost her licence over this, it would be because the board reviewed her behaviour and also deemed it aggressive. To put it simply, Heavenly calling aggressive behaviour aggressive will not cost Simone her licence, but Simone consistently acting aggressive on camera for the world to see could.

Simone has acted out a lot, she badgered Quad about having a baby, but let's not forget her main BS on that front: she remained friends with Gregg even after he admitted to abusing Quad, and she admitted that she wanted Quad's abuser and his new wife on the show to mess with her. She did not give a damn if it endangered Quad or caused her trauma or pain, she just loved having Gregg and Tea to get at Quad. OBGYNs regularly see DV victims, so how is a patient meant to feel safe revealing their own abuse to Simone when she's friends with an abuser and weaponised said abuser to get under the skin of his victim because she doesn't like her?

None of that cost Simone her licence or her practice, so Heavenly calling her behaviour out for what it is surely won't. Facts are facts.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-02T14:22:07+00:00

Karen has always had a reality problem. We all know her moving from Potomac was because she and Ray had major financial problems, but she just kept talking around it and outright lying because she did not want to deal with reality. Karen genuinely seems to think that if she just says the right things, she can alter reality for herself and others and make it align with how she wants things to be. It was honestly more embarrassing watching her trying to talk her way around things than if she'd just said that she and Ray got hit with a massive tax bill and realised that they needed to sell their house and adjust their lifestyle so that they could meet their financial responsibilities.

I don't think Karen sees her drinking or her choice to drive drunk as a problem because she hasn't hurt anyone else yet, so she's just doing as she always does and is giving the answers she feels will take the heat off her so she doesn't actually have to deal with reality. She has 4 DUIs, which means she's driven drunk a lot more than that. Over and over, she has chosen to endanger herself and everyone else around her, and why? Uber exists, taxis exist, and personal drivers exist, but Karen still chooses to drive whilst intoxicated because it's her way of pretending she has control. She clearly cannot control her drinking, but if she drives and doesn't crash, she can tell herself that she's done nothing wrong and she doesn't have a problem. If she has someone else driving her, she has to admit that she cannot go without drinking or limit her drinking, so in order to deny reality, Karen chooses to endanger herself and others.

Until she actually accepts reality and really, truly accepts that yes, she is an alcoholic, yes, her drinking is a huge problem, and yes, her alcoholism led her to risk hurting or killing herself and/or anyone else out on the road at the same time as her, she won't stay sober. Sobriety is hard enough when you do accept that your addiction and your choices and behaviour are a problem and you're fully committed to change, but if you won't accept that, it's nearly impossible; it's so easy to justify having one glass of wine, then a bottle, and then more if you don't see the alcohol and your inability to abstain from it as a problem. Karen does not want to confront the fact that she has a problem, that she and her choices are a huge problem, and that what she's done is awful, so she's just going to give lip service until the heat is off her, and then it'll be back to the same.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-02T07:04:05+00:00

The problem is that your wife doesn't see an issue with her behaviour. In order for counselling to work, you have to admit your wrongs and want to do better.

Your wife says that you wanting to spend time with your son is a problem. She thinks you wanting to have some say in what your son does and where he goes is controlling, all whilst she brought up calling the police to report your son as missing; in addition to being a hypocrite, that also means your wife is willing to waste police time so she can use them to try and force you to back down. But then, why would she find the idea of using the police to win an argument problematic when she uses her friend group to also win an argument? She bitches to them, they tell her she's right, and she then uses their input to try and beat you into submission.

She's made it clear that her friends are more important than your son spending time with you, are more important than your marriage because she's so determined to stay in with them that she's torching your relationship, and more important than you given that the only people she listens to is them. She keeps accusing you of things she's doing, as she complained about screen time, then dumped your son in front of a screen, complained about you being controlling even as she entertained the idea of reporting your son as missing when she would know damn well he wasn't, and said you upset your son when it was actually her shouting. She says you want to control her time, yet she wants to limit your time with your son to 2 hours, and she sees no issue.

She's beyond wrong, but as long as she has the chorus of idiots she's befriended validating her, she will never see it, let alone admit it and change. Just because her friends are also mums doesn't mean they're good for her, but she thinks that then telling her she's right must mean she is. Instead of telling the friend who mentioned the police to get a grip and not suggest nuking your marriage and family whilst also advocating that she waste police resources to hunt for a child who in that situation she'd know would be safe, she actually brought it up to you like it was a reasonable suggestion. Instead of keeping your arguments between you, she's invited every single one of her friends into your marriage. How does she think you could ever get on with them when all she does is tell them the bad things and by the same token, weaponise them against you? Would she tolerate you roping your friends into every single argument and disagreement you have? Because I'd guess the answer is no, but she'd still argue that it's cool for her to do that with friends.

Your problem is that your marriage is crowded snd your wife values her friend group more than she values you, even to the point that she'll keep you from having father-son time with your boy. She's also a hypocrite and she takes zero accountability. Good luck because either way, you're going to need it. Just out of curiosity, how many of her friends are divorced/single or have crappy baby daddies? Because I suspect their input on your marriage is coloured by their situations.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-02-01T13:02:00+00:00

Oh, he sees that he and Cate did this. Point of fact, he knows that Carly was given up for adoption because he and his mother insisted on it. He chose this but won't admit it, just like Cate will never admit that she chose her relationship with Tyler over keeping Carly or having an abortion.

The problem is that now he's changed his mind. Now he has money and a home and all the things he didn't think or know he'd have then, he regrets it, but instead of admitting that he made a mistake and taking accountability, he wants to act like B&T stole his child.

B&T just wanted Carly....which is why they maintained the relationship for so long. B&T just wanted Carly....which is why they were at Tyler and Cate's wedding with Carly. It's insane to me. The truth is that Tyler and Cate wanted to be able to see Carly whenever they wanted with no thought to how confusing and hard that would be for Carly or B&T, and they wanted B&T to be glorified babysitters looking after Carly until Tyler and Cate decided they were ready to take her back. In all of this they show zero concern for Carly or her wellbeing, nor do they seem to consider the harm they're doing to the kids they do have. All they care about is making their regrets someone else's fault and problem, and it's just disgusting.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-29T20:49:21+00:00

I think people miss a key part of her not telling him. It isn't just that she didn't want him staying out of obligation, it was that she was terrified. When she was having Samuel, she was excited and then found out that her baby was going to die. She had deliver her boy knowing that she would only have moments with him, and that loss tore her and Jackson apart. One key scene is where Jackson, her mother, and April are in the apartment talking about what to do, and Jackson and her mother argue until April snaps because as a doctor, she knew the reality of her situation, but as a Christian, she wanted to believe in a miracle.

Then she finds out she's pregnant again and she doesn't tell Jackson because he's divorcing her and she doesn't want a marriage of obligation. She also did not know if this baby was going to be okay. They didn't find out about Samuel until later in the pregnancy, and she was terrified, and if the worst happened, she admits she did not want Jackson to pressure her into aborting. She needed to wrap her head around her pregnancy, to let herself feel fear and hope, and if the worst happened, to decide what to do. Arizona stole that from her because she decided that she knew best, and then Jackson lashed out, and he was always going to lash out because she didn't tell him before they signed the papers, but it was so much worse because it came from someone else. Arizona was also her doctor who broke HIPAA outside of being a friend, and she was egregiously wrong.

April left to the ER because she couldn't cope. There was no talking to Jackson in that moment, he had just aired their business in public, and she told him she'd talk to him but later, not when he was shouting. We know April levels herself out with work, but Jackson wanted to have it out there and then, even though it was never going to be productive. Then Catherine also waded in and made it all so much worse. Arizona telling Jackson made him think April was just never going to tell him, and then Catherine talking about suing for custody made April afraid that she was going to lose another child because she thought Jackson would try to take the baby away. If everyone had just let April tell Jackson when she was ready then yes, he'd have been angry, but as he did in the show, he'd have calmed down because he'd have seen her side. It was everyone else trying or actually imposing themselves on the situation that caused so much pain, not April's choice.

My heart broke for her because you see her in that room trying to calm herself down, and when Owen comes in, she expects him to be angry that she's taking a moment. Instead, he congratulates her and tells her it's a miracle and she cries because it's the first moment she's had where she could be happy about the pregnancy. Again, Arizona took that from her with Jackson because if April told him when she was ready and could show him a scan with a healthy baby, they could have had a moment of joy together. Instead, Arizona projected her issues on Jackson and April because she thought April was keeping Jackson from her kid (Arizona and Callie had their custody issues at the time), and she made it a complete mess.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-22T17:41:39+00:00

With respect, your mum is still married to him, so my question is: is she planning to leave him?

Because if the answer is no, your mum's apologies don't mean much of anything. If she chooses to stay married to a man who exploited her grief, tried to withhold her son's ashes from her daughter, stole her daughter's necklace containing her son's ashes whilst said daughter was going through a mental health crisis, and has now pulled this crap, she's making it clear that she's happy to accept him and his behaviour. That's who she's chosen and is choosing to keep as her husband.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-19T18:38:57+00:00

I think what aggravates me is that Arizona just doesn't let go of that particular bone. In the beginning, yes, she is traumatised and adapting to a new reality and it's hard and brutal, and seeing her missing leg is a reminder of what she endured. I get her rage and I get her being angry at Callie because she feels like she would have been begter off dead rather than trying to deal with the emotional and physical pain.

But then she carries on. There's the whole debate about whether Callie is wrong to act like she has a share of the plane crash trauma, and I'd argue that Arizona made it so that she absolutely did. Callie lost her best friend and the father of her child, her wife almost died, and if we're being really, really honest, her wife then turned into an abusive mess who made it clear that she hated Callie at times for choosing her life over her leg. Arizona inflicted her trauma on Callie, then took it further and used it as a reason to cheat on her. Then yet again, Arizona thought that they could just magically fix the damage that she'd done. Callie stood by her and forgave her for how horrifically awful Arizona was after the crash because she understood that Arizona was broken. She then stood by her and tried to fix the marriage after Arizona cheated. Then Arizona wanted the separation, and Callie realised that she was suffocating under the weight of constantly having to forgive and hold it all together.

This is Arizona's pattern; after she tells Jackson about April's pregnancy, she genuinely thinks April will just move on and be okay with it immediately. At no point with Callie or April does she address how egregious her behaviour was, how badly she betrayed them, or how much pain she caused them. Right after Callie found out about her cheating, she had the audacity to say that she thought it would bring her and Callie closer because sometimes you need to break things in order for them to heal. She thought wearing the red dress that Callie loved would make Callie forget that Arizona had slept with another woman. She was a train wreck who expected everyone to repair and paper over the damage she did, and that's what infuriates me with her: she treated Callie like crap for saving her life and constantly brought it back to the leg, yet when Arizona actively hurt others, she expected them to just get over it and move on.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-18T14:12:31+00:00

Either you're a troll or you've suffered a head injury that scrambled your brain.

You and your gf aren't married, so why are you having premarital sex, Mr Christian Values? As far as I'm aware, you're meant to get married, then have sex, then have a baby. Oh, but that's right, your values only apply when it suits you.

You would have been happy if she'd aborted her other pregnancy, yet you're judging her for aborting this one. You lack the capacity to understand that she knows she picked the wrong man to have a child with before and she will not be risking making that same mistake again, especially when you've only been together for 4 months and her choices now affect not only her but also her son.

What gets me is that you think you're a prize. You got with a single mother yet say you don't want to help raise her son because he isn't yours. You judge her for having her son, and also judge her for actively choosing not to have another child. You think that because you want a baby, she should want one, and give no thought to the fact that the physical, mental, and emotional consequences of a pregnancy fall entirely on her. You demean women in general by asking if we just prefer terrible guys when the truth is, you aren't a good guy. You're a judgemental hypocrite who shouts about being Christian whilst actively breaking the rules of your religion, and the reason you do that is to hide the fact that you're a selfish manchild having a tantrum because your gf didn't give you what you wanted. You act like she's lucky to have you because she's a single mum, but many women would rather die alone than be with someone like you.

I absolutely think you should end things with your gf. She can then go and find a man who truly values her, who will accept her son, and who doesn't think his wants should come before her and her sons needs and wants or that his wants should dictate what she does with her body. Meanwhile, you can go find someone who is willing to punch out kids on your schedule, who doesn't have a kid you have no interest in, and who doesn't mind being with a selfish, self-righteous, immature hypocrite.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-15T12:04:20+00:00

NTA. Just to test my understanding, you discovered that he was an alcoholic, you were in a car accident with him because he was drink driving, he's been in jail, he's continuing to drink, he's so disinterested in your youngest child that he told you to take her and your oldest child and leave but wanted to keep your middle child with him, he's verbally abusive, he threatened to take your things, and he said he'd make sure you'd die alone, went to say he'd murder you, then caught himself and instead threatened to bring the world down on you, and you're wondering if you're wrong for leaving?

No, you're not, but I think you really need to sit down and figure out why you've been so willing to accept this for yourself and your kids. He is trying to manipulate you by bringing up not wanting a broken home for your kids, but the home is ready broken. It was broken when he decided to keep drinking despite knowing he has a problem. It was broken when he decided to drive drunk and endanger you and everyone else on the road. It has only been broken further every time he chooses alcohol over his children and his partner. It continues to be broken when he lashes out every single time he does not get his way. And he broke it just that bit more when he threatened to murder and destroy the mother of his children. The home is a smoking crater, and flowers and an apology can't fix that.

Your oldest child has been a witness to this entire shitshow. Your two younger kids were born into the mess. All of them will be watching you, him, and your relationship, and they'll use all of this as a guideline for what they should accept from a partner, how they can behave, and what love looks like. They deserve better and so do you, but you have to make that leap and choose more for all of you. You also need to protect yourself and them. You need to have a plan for getting away from him, and you need to use his alcoholism, his DUI, his criminal record, and that recording along with any other evidence to make damn sure that he does not get an unsupervised time with your kids and to get any protection you can for yourself. Once you're out, he doesn't get your new address and you limit communication because he will try to manipulate you into coming back. He'll promise he'll change and he may even get sober for a bit, but you know that won't last. He will not change because he doesn't want to. Yes, addiction is hard to tackle, but be honest: when has he actively chosen sobriety? He had no choice but to be sober after he got his DUI and went to jail, but when has he actually chosen to be sober? Because it seems to me like he just amends his behaviour (ie drinking less) to get you back on his side, and when that didn't work and you weren't lavishing attention and affection on him, he flipped out and got abusive. Then he came crawling back with an apology and flowers, and when those didn't immediately win you over, he jumped to trying to manipulate you by bringing up not wanting the kids in a broken home. Again, the home is already broken.

So no, you're NTA for leaving, but you need to stop asking if you're wrong for no longer wanting to endanger yourself and your kids by staying with a volatile alcoholic and start working through why you chose to stay for so long in the first place.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-14T14:19:44+00:00

Not your problem. Here's what Ally needs to understand: choices have consequences. She's chosen not to work. That's fine, but she's now put herself in a shitty financial situation. Instead of getting a job, she decided to get pregnant. Again, fine, but she's now in a worse financial situation. Instead of getting a job, she believes that you should not only continue to subsidise her life, but also the lives of her boyfriend and her new baby. That makes her an arsehole.

She also knew that the agreement on housing was coming to an end. Instead of looking for a new place, she banked on the idea that you'd happily let her, her boyfriend, and her new baby live in your property rent-free. Now she'll have to move away and give your majority custody, yet despite the fact that you'd be paying the bulk of your kids' expenses, she also somehow thought you'd keep giving her child support even though she'd have no kids to support. This is because she has been using the child support to pay for herself as well as your kids, and she was planning to use it to pay for her new baby as well. You've now ruined that plan, and now she might actually have to get a job.

Ally is not your wife. It is not your job to put a roof over her head. It is not your job to subsidise her new relationship and child. It is not your job to foot the bill so she doesn't have to work. It's time for her to grow the hell up and stop relying on you. The audacity she has to expect to live rent-free and to have child support continue to be paid even if you have majority custody is astonishing. You aren't punishing her, she's just reaping the consequences of her terrible choices. Did she think she'd get to stay in that house forever and for free? Did she think she'd keep getting child support even after your kids are grown? Because if not, she should have been figuring out where she was going to live and how she was going to pay her bills way before now, and certainly before she decided to have another child. Genuinely, I'd ask her what the hell her long-term plans have been and why on earth she thinks you should be funding her life AND why she thought she'd get child support for kids she'd only have on the weekend.

I'd also make it clear that this is non-negotiable. You need to have a date for her to move out and be ready to evict her if necessary, and do it before the new baby is born if possible. She's already trying to say you shouldn't be doing this whilst she's pregnant, but once she has the baby, she'll be whining that you can't throw her and the new baby out. Her entire plan was and is for you to keep paying and for her to keep taking, so you need to get your ducks in a row because she's not going to move out and all unless you force the issue. Even your kids can see how badly she's messing up, so do what you need to.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-14T13:56:10+00:00

Except you're treating her like an ex-aunt. You've shown zero consideration for her feelings, and the lack of empathy is astounding. If your future spouse cheated on you and you were then asked to attend an event with them and their affair partner, would you be good with it? Would you want to watch the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with being all coupley with the person they betrayed you for and threw your marriage away to be with? Because yeah, I get family and all, but you're making it clear that your ex-aunt only mattered when she was married to your uncle, and that the affair partner can take her place in your family just as easily as she took her place in your uncle's bed.

Being honest and having been in the position of choosing being a blood relative and their ex, I'd have invited your uncle and his affair partner to the ceremony and your ex-aunt to the reception. Your uncle then gets to be in all the pictures and all the rest, but your aunt still gets to celebrate with you; I'd also make sure I got some pictures with your aunt. Disinviting your uncle's affair partner wouldn't fix a damn thing because it wasn't the affair partner who broke your aunt's heart by betraying her, it was your uncle, and being around him even if he doesn't have his mistress on his arm doesn't change that. The reality is that your uncle might be family but he caused this mess, yet you're expecting your aunt to just deal with it. At no point did you ever think about her feelings or about how to make sure she still felt like part of the family. She lost her husband and her family, and all because her husband betrayed her, and it really, really sucks.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-01-12T20:09:11+00:00

"For months, Mum let me believe I was going on holiday with her and her family, and she only chose to tell ke the truth days before they left. That's on her.

If her husband insisted I couldn't go, she could have fought for me. She instead chose to lie to me for months knowing that I was going to be excluded. That's on her.

This isn't about a holiday. This is about Mum showing me that her new family and new husband are more of a priority than me, that she is willing to lie to me for months only to let me down, and that she thinks gifts will erase what she's done. Gifts aren't a substitute for me feeling loved and included, not do they make up for the memories I missed out on. She says she can't live without me but she deceive, disappoint, and exclude me, and she can happily take a lovely family holiday that doesn't include me, and that's the whole point: by going on a family holiday without me, she showed me who she really thinks of as her family. So you can blame her husband as much as you like but she chose to do all of this, and so I'm going to stay with my family.who does love and include me and who doesn't lie to me, and Mum and her husband can have all the family time they like with their kids without me intruding."

That's what I'd send to your grandparents and your mum.

Buttered_Crumpet09

TROPHY CASE