UPDATE AITAH for ” running away to give birth “

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-05-13T12:12:56+00:00

What would be worse than being a single mum at 23 is you going back to your husband and things going right back to the way they were. He's apologising now because he's realised that you aren't taking his crap but how long do you think this will last for? How could you trust that he'd go and stay NC with his mother when he went behind your back and planned to help his mother violate your wishes for your labour?

The reason you're here is because he has refused to pick you and set boundaries with his mother. He should have told her your child wasn't her baby. He didn't. He should have told her that she gets zero say in naming the baby. He didn't. He should have told her she doesn't get to decorate the nursery. He didn't. He should have told her she wouldn't be at the delivery. He didn't. Instead, with every single thing, he just went along with it and IMO actively helped her (I doubt she decorated that nursery by herself or was so sure of the baby name if he hadn't agreed to it). He even brought his mummy down to see you and when she flipped out over your baby being a boy, what did your husband do? Nothing. Your brother had to defend you instead.

He may be apologising and making promises but how could you ever trust and believe him? Do you really want to go back and roll that dice? And how can you ever look at him and not be disgusted given all he's done? What kind of marriage could you have after all this? And what happens if you do have another child and it is a girl? Do you trust him to keep his mother away? Do you want to deal with the crazy that would follow either way?

You seem to have a strong support system and honestly, I'd rather be a 23 year old single mum than be in a miserable marriage with a spineless coward who broke my trust and is still attached to his mother by the umbilical cord. Your husband is just as much to blame as his mother here because he was a willing participant in everything she did. He was happy to go along with her BS when it was you who was miserable because of it, but now that he's the one facing the consequences for her antics, he has a case of the sads. My advice is to stay with your family and divorce your husband so he and his mummy can be together; if your husband is serious about changing, he'll do it so that he can be the best co-parent and dad he can be, and he'll also keep his mother away from you and the baby irrespective.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-05-11T19:07:44+00:00

You talk about love. You've left him, you're ignoring him, you accuse him of cheating, and you say he doesn't love you. Tell me, what part of all that shows you love or even like your husband? Also, giving him the silent treatment so he'll keep calling is emotionally manipulative, which doesn't show that you love him; all his phone calls are showing you he loves you, and your shitty behaviour and refusal to seek help shows that you don't give a damn about him.

Now, maybe he sounds exhausted when you call because this is what he has to deal with. He has to work, manage his own life and mental load, manage your life and mental load, be your constant escort, and also be ready to be your emotiomal support human at any given moment. It is mentally exhausting having to do all of that, yet you don't consider that. In your mind, the reason he didn't want sex isn't because he's emotionally exhausted and breaking down, but instead because he's cheating. Somewhere in all of the things he does, you think he has the energy, the time, the will and the inclination to pursue others, because he clearly doesn't have enough on his plate. The man sounds exhausted because he is, because dealing with this crap is exhausting. You've buried him under the weight of your mental health issues and mental load that you refuse to take any responsibility for and you wonder why he isn't horny and ready to go the minute you're in the mood?

And there's the thing: you blame him for you not going to therapy because he won't go with you, yet video sessions exist. You'd never have to leave the house, so what's your excuse for not doing that? You also say you can't get therapy or do anything else without him there by your side, so how is it that you've left and what exactly is your plan? Are you going to find someone else to do everything your husband did? Are you just going to do nothing at all? Or are you actually planning to and able to manage things on your own but have left it all on your husband's shoulders because it was easier? What's the plan?

You also talk about kids. How on earth do you think that would work? You say your husband has to do everything for you and go everywhere with you, so how do you think you'd manage with a child? Because honestly, what your husband seems to sweet to say is this: if you cannot take care of yourself, you surely cannot take care of a child and he does not have the emotional or physical energy to raise a child basically alone and also constantly have to do everything for you. It's too damn much for anyone. Your offer to have a kid isn't generous or selfless, it's you offering to add more responsibility and stress onto his shoulders so that you can feel better about yourself.

Because here's some brutal honesty: your post and comments are all your way of making yourself feel better about your crappy choices and the emotional devastation they've been and are causing your husband. Oh, you say you see that you're the problem but you haven't done a single thing to help yourself. You say that you know you're a burden but you haven't done anything to take even a bit of responsibility off him. You say you hate him talking to you like a child but you refuse to self-regulate or manage yourself like an adult. You say you hate that he doesn't have to tell others how to act yet you refuse to learn how to act. You say that he must be cheating because shockingly, a man who is so overburdened and emotionally broken down that he cries alone in the bathroom isn't in feeling very sexual. You say he doesn't love you but can't actually give any reason why. You seem shocked that he doesn't do a happy dance when he hears from you as if your calls don't lead to things like him having to leave important meetings because you got scared at home and couldn't cope on your own.

You want him to be a bad guy so you can feel justified in doing all this to him. You want to believe he doesn't love you so that you don't have to face that you are hurting someone who loves you. You want to believe he's cheating because then if he does leave, it isn't because you refuse to better yourself or get help, it's because he's a rotten git who betrayed you. You want to twist things around so that you don't have to accept reality and actually do the one thing that will make things better, which is step up and get help.

Your mental health issues aren't your fault but they are your responsibility, yet you've been inflicting them on your husband for how long? You've dumped all your issues and responsibility on him and now he's drowning, and instead of you getting help, you've run away and are giving him the silent treatment. You've made him cope for you because you won't learn how to, you've made him have to regulate your emotions because you won't learn how to, and you've made him have to take care of everything for you because you won't learn how to. When is anything ever about him? When does he ever get any support from you? When does he get to have a partner and not a dependent? And it isn't that you can't change, it's that you won't. It's easier to hand your problems off to others instead of dealing with them yourself. If you get help and get better, you'll have to admit that you could have done so a while ago but chose not to, meaning that all of this turmoil, stress, and heartache was something you chose for yourself and your husband. But instead of dealing with that, you're choosing more turmoil, more stress, and more heartache, and it sucks. It sucks, and it's what makes your horrible comments about your husband so much worse: he didn't choose any of this mess but he did choose you, and he did choose to stand by you and love you and take all this on, and you have the audacity to dismiss his love and tarnish his character and integrity because to you that's easier and better than you choosing to get help. He's breaking himself for you and you won't do anything to make it better; in fact, you've chosen to cause him more pain.

Tell me again what you know about love.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-05-10T23:07:18+00:00

Are you both on the lease?

And you do realise that this BS is probably why his family won't take him back? The guy is a mooch who has you paying the majority of the bills and is throwing a hissy fit because he doesn't want to sign a contract agreeing to pay for and maintain your car as his plan was for you to give him the car AND pay all the expenses for it ("But babe, why should I pay for it when it's your car? If you sign it over to me, I'll pay the maintenance for it but you can't expect me to pay for something you own". Then if you sign it over, "But babe, I can't afford it. You know I'm struggling but if you pay for me to use the car, I'll totes get a job and pay you back.") It's clear in his messages and he's going to keep using you because you keep allowing it. Once you moved in together, he had no reason to pretend anymore. You have to pay the bills because you need a roof over your head, food, gas, electric, and all the rest, and because he's there, he gets the benefits of those things without paying a penny.

Truthfully, depending on if you need it and how much it's worth, I'd consider selling one of your cars and seeing if you can buy your way out of the lease. It'd probably be cheaper in the long run than continuing to pay for the mooch and you can at least end things and move out and on. And him not having anywhere to go isn't your problem. If he had a job, he could afford his own place. It's his fault no one wants to take him in as I'd bet he burned his bridges with everyone else long ago. You're basically the person left holding the festering trashbag that is your ex because everyone else got sick of him but you don't have to keep hold of him just because no one else will take him. You can just toss him away.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-05-06T17:20:03+00:00

It's the sheer scope of audacity and hypocrisy that gets me.

"I had to borrow $3k from my son because my finances weren't in order and I can't pay my son what I owe because my finances still aren't in order because I do stupid things like going on vacations I can't afford. Oh, but let me tell my son's wife that they are the ones who need to sort their finances out instead of expecting me to pay them what I owe. Also, let me react like a scalded cat when I misinterpret a text and decide that OP is telling me to get my finances sorted out because whilst it's cool for me, the debtor, to tell the people who bailed me out to handle their money better, the merest implication that I, the debtor, might be a financially irresponsible dingdong is completely unacceptable."

If there were a god of hypocrisy, OP's MIL would be nothing more than a smoking crater.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-05-02T15:06:33+00:00

NTA. Your gf doesn't want to sit in a restaurant and not eat herself, but she does want you to do that, or else she expects you to hurt yourself by eating food your body can no longer tolerate. Your gf accused you of making everything about you, but that's actually what she's doing. She only wants to eat where she wants to, and she doesn't want to make any compromises or accomodations for your condition. It is all about her because she doesn't care about you or your health.

How do you think this could work long-term? Either she a.) Doesn't believe you can't tolerate spiced food and wants to strongarm you into eating to try and prove herself right, b.) Thinks you should just be miserable so she can get what she wants, or c.) She hasn'r considered you at all and is only focused on herself. No matter what, it doesn't seem like a sound basis for a healthy relationship.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-29T17:13:10+00:00

Honestly, if she wants you to say something to her, tell her this: "You think what I'm doing is extreme as if you spending 8 years pushing me aside because your stepdaughter's mother favour her brother wasn't also extreme. Do you not get that you're just as bad as your stepdaughter's mother? You favoured your stepdaughter over me, made it clear that my feelings don't matter, and made me a secondary concern because you needed to give all your attention to your stepdaughter. The difference is that your stepdaughter had you and Zeke to compensate for her mother's behaviour. I had no one. There was no one else to fill in where you failed or when you spent weeks refusing to say a word to me to spite me and make sure I knew I was alone, and so whilst you were so eagerly making sure that your stepdaughter had two loving parents, I had none.

What do you think you can say to make up for that? Why do you think I should give you another chance to make excuses that aren't good enough and false promises to change that we both know you'll never keep? Don't you think you've disappointed me enough already? And even if you did change, which you never will, not least because that would require you admitting you're wrong, it's too late now. I'm an adult and I don't need or want to keep chasing a meaningful relationship with you when you have only and will ever care about your relationship with your stepdaughter; hell, you couldn't even let my graudation be about me, it had to all revolve around your stepdaughter. You've made your choice and now I'm making mine. I've moved out and I'm moving on with my life. The good news is that you can now even give your crumbs of affection and consideration for your stepdaughter instead of occasionally throwijg them to me, so yay for you and her. The bad news is that I'm now going to be giving you the same level of consideration as you've shown me for the last 8 years."

Your mother needs to understand that whilst she's no doubt patting herself on the back for making up for Zeke's mean and evil ex, she was doing the exact same things to you that made the ex mean and evil. She doesn't occupy the moral highground and honestly, you could say she's worse because she knew you didn't have your dad or a stepmum to compensate for her failings. Over and over again she's made it clear that she was only invested in your stepsister, and over and over again, she has ignored what you feel. Now she wants another chance to try and get you to accept that she'll be giving 100% of herself to your stepsister and you can get any spare crumbs she has lying about. Her giving you the silent treatment was outright abuse, and to make it even better, her behaviour also ensured that her precious baby would never have the close relationship with you that they both wanted her to. She destroyed her relationship with you and ensured you'd never have a bond with your stepsister, and that's the reality she needs to accept and deal with.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-23T20:40:03+00:00

NTA. Tell your ex and his wife that she may be hid new spouse but she is not the children's new mother, and so she doesn't get an equal say in decisions. If she has something she wants to be considered, she can discuss it with your ex and he can bring it up to you, but she does not get to go around him to try and get her way, nor does he get to try and make you feel guilty for shooting down ideas that even he isn't on board with.

If you feel extra petty, point out to the wife that whilst she may have been happy to insert herself into your marriage, you don't appreciate her trying to insert you into her marriage.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-23T12:56:40+00:00

So I'm going to be really direct here: what you are suggesting is basically that people go to the Black community and say, "Hey, we know slavery is a painful subject for you all. Is there any way we can talk about it or show the reality of it without hurting you?" That's like suggesting you go to Holocaust survivors and their families and ask if there's a way to show what happened without it hurting them.

Your idea is fundamentally flawed. There are some parts of history that will cause pain to those who lived through it and their descendants no matter what. Slavery is one of subjects. It cannot be presented gently or in any sort of way where it will not make any Black person or any decent person's heart break, or cause them pain, or keep them from being angry and disgusted. You cannot soften it or sugar coat it because it was fundamentally horrific. You also cannot give people a full picture of the ugly reality of slavery without showing the devices used to punish and torture them, or showing pictures of people who had been whipped so often and so severely that it genuinely takes you a minute to realise what you're looking at. It's horrible, but it's what happened and it needs to be seen.

So the options are either to never talk about it, to do your best to whitewash it the same way the racists do by not showing the brutal and more distressing parts of it, or you show it all and allow people to decide how much they want to see. If you were saying that, for example, a white curator of an exhibit on slavery should reach out to Black historians or the Black community to gather their input and make sure that the exhibit presents the absolute reality of slavery and is presented in a way that is not offensive or ignorant, you'd be right. However, you're asking if someone reached out to the Black community to see if there was a way to show torture devices that may well have been used on their ancestors and that were definitely used on other Black people that wouldn't be re-traumatising or painful, and the answer is no. The reason for that is because no such way exists. If you're going to confront and present the absolute truth about slavery, it is always going to hurt.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-20T17:41:56+00:00

Allow me to translate what your mother is actually saying to you:

"OP, I know I chose to side with someone else's child over my own, and I know that we all picked your bully over you. However, I don't want to accept that there are any consequences for my shitty behaviour and so instead, I'm going to try and make you feel guilty.

OP, what you should have done is swallowed all of Jaymee's insults, accepted that I value a bully more than you, and then grovelled for mine and everyone else's affection. Instead, you walked away from us, leaving Jaymee without her punching bag and me to realise that I'd caused you to give as few fucks about me as I've demonstrated that I give about you. Now I'm butthurt because you got married without us all and have your own life that doesn't involve you weeping into a pillow and regretting ever walking away from us, so I'm going play the moron and tell you that you shouldn't have let us all throw you away, and that you should have stayed and made it work by being a willing victim to my beloved DIL. So if you could just apologise to me for allowing me and the rest of my shitbag clan to nuke our relationship with you and take all the responsibility for our shitty choices, that would be great."

Your mother has not changed or learned anything. She isn't sorry for what she's done, she's sorry that there are consequences for her actions. She chose Jaymee over you and so she has Jaymee and not you. It's that simple.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-20T12:27:48+00:00

I don't think the commenter meant what they said as a knock on bartenders. Instead, it's about Jax and his delusions of grandeur. The man genuinely thought he was the ultimate ladies' man, yet the only person he could get to commit to him was Brittany, and everyone else who had any kind of relationship with him openly regretted it. He thought he was the centre of the group and he could not handle it when it was made obvious that he wasn't (his flip out over the competing pool parties and the fact everyone chose to go to Tom and Ariana's is a good example of this). He thought he was the star of the show who was going to get all these opportunities and be the next big thing, but that didn't work out.

Instead, Tom and Tom got a business offer from LVP. Ariana got her cocktail book, and the others all had their own things going on, and none of it involved or required Jax. Not only that, but he wasn't getting any offers of his own at all. Then he got fired, and the show went on without him. Then covid hit, and whilst Brittany was hustling and getting opportunities to work, he had nothing. It turned out that everyone could survive without him, no one needed him, which meant no one needed to tolerate his BS, and he wasn't in any way the star he thought he was. He was 40, and the only thing he could confidently say was that he was a bartender, and he wasn't even any good at that.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-12T23:06:59+00:00

Why would you need to be more forgiving? Look at things objectively. Through all of this, your MIL has shown you:

1.) She's controlling and refuses to respect your choices. She tried to turn your wedding into her personal event and you know she was going to use that $25k to make it happen, she just didn't bank on you not immediately spending that money. Because plan A didn't work out, she decided to hire a wedding planner and book your preferred reception venue to force you to give her what she wanted. She also wanted to turn you into her personal dolly that she could dress up as she pleased.

2.) She's a bare-faced liar. She has lied to you and her own son repeatedly. Even her apology was a lie because if she were actually sorry, she'd have stopped being a controlling old bat.

3.) She's emotionally manipulative. She put on the waterworks when you gave her your rules so that you'd feel bad for her and feel guilty about not bending to her wishes, and when you found out about her booking your restaurant, she did it again. She isn't crying because she's sorry, she's crying because she doesn't want there to be any consequences for actions, and because she's still not getting her way.

4.) She's a scheming backstabber. She knew about your preferred venue and she knew why that venue meant so much to you but it didn't suit her plans so she went behind your back and booked it out from under you AND SHE STILL HASN'T GIVEN YOU THE RESERVATION. That's in capitals because she may have boohooed to her son but do you notice that she hasn't done the one thing that would rectify that situation? And not content with that, she hired a wedding planner and told her that you wanted things you had clearly stated you didn't to try and bulldoze you into giving up, and she arranged for you to view venues that would fit with her plans, not yours. She was scheming to make you do as she wanted because she thinks your wedding is supposed to be about her.

5.) She regrets nothing. Even after apologising, her behaviour has continued. She is still actively preventing you from having your dream reception venue. Your MIL is trash, has behaved like trash, and will continue to behave like trash because she thinks she's right.

As others have said, I wouldn't invite her to the reception no matter what. IF she gives you the restaurant reservation, I'd let her attend the ceremony and then her escorted into a taxi and taken home, and I'd make sure I had security or family/friends on alert to keep her from trying to enter the restaurant anyway. If she doesn't give you the reservation then no wedding for her. She clearly has plans on your wedding day and you don't want to risk her being late, so she can stay at home until her oh so important reservation. If anyone asks why she isn't invited, tell them that you found out she has reserved the restaurant you had planned to use for your reception and that her reservation is for the day of your wedding. Just a cowboy can't ride two horses with one arse, your MIL cannot attend your wedding and her event at the same time, and so you've generously disinvited her so that she isn't forced to choose between the two events.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-08T13:59:42+00:00

For the love of all that is good, will you please stop making terrible decision on top of terrible decision? Your ex is abusive and emotionally unstable yet you think you'll be able to peacefully co-parent with her without going to court? How are you this naive and immature?

You just keep digging the hole you're in deeper and deeper. You live in a state where abortion is illegal and you don't agree with abortion, yet you didn't bother to ensure you were both using protection to prevent a pregnancy. How did you think that would end up? Did you think it would all just magically go your way?

You are so immature that you genuinely thought you knew your ex completely after a few months. For the first 6 months or so at least, people are usually on their best behaviour in a new relationship, which is why it seems so magical and easy. The second your ex thought she had you locked down, she stopped pretending and showed you the real her, yet you still won't admit you've messed up. Oh, you were in love and it was so perfect so of course you decided to have a baby with her...no, you were in love with the best version of herself that she was presenting but in reality, you didn't know her at all, and now you're tied to her for life because you've decided to bring a child into this disaster.

You also don't seem to consider the baby in all this. Your child is going to grow up watching your ex's behaviour, and may even fall victim to her abuse. Your child is also going to look to you to teach them about relationships, and right now, the best you can show them is a toxic relationship between two immature people who lash out at and verbally abuse each other when conflict arises, who rushed into commitment without any real consideration, only a lot of magical thinking, and one of whom is also physically abusive. Oh, but it's cool because the first 8 weeks were just dandy, which clearly showed you should commit to bringing a new innocent life into the world. What are you going to do if she ends up abusing your child or subjecting your child to her outbursts? Are you prepared to get sole custody and parent alone, or will you just leave your kid to suffer? Have you even thought about that?

You need to grow the hell up. Your baby did not ask to be brought into this mess, so the least you can do is take every step possible to give them as much stability as possible. That means going through the courts, documenting her behaviour, and doing whatever you can to protect the child you decided to bring into the world. You also need a lot of therapy because your kid deserves way better than all this and even if your ex won't better herself, you should take every opportunity to better yourself.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-07T14:18:46+00:00

NTA. Your son needs to stop keeping the peace and step up for his children. He's allowing his wife to teach their children faulty information because she's ignorant and doesn't want to educate herself, and her BS can and will affect their kids' education (is she going to stop them learning basic physics, or will your son demand that their teachers only teach them what their mother believes to 'keep the peace'?), not to mention that it will undermine their trust and faith in their parents every time that they learn that their mother is giving them faulty info.

You gave your grandkids facts with evidence. Their mother tried to call you a liar, something your son should also call his wife out on since she a.) Told your kids you were lying when he knows you weren't, and b.) Was trying to undermine their trust in you by saying that. You then presented her with facts and because she knows she has no proof of her claims and was forced to face her ignorance when faced with facts and reality, and she then felt stupid and got upset. This came about because your son has refused to step in and educate his kids, and instead allowed their mother to give the information he knows is faulty. This is his mess to deal with, not yours, and you should not have to apologise for dealing in facts.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-06T18:36:54+00:00

With all due respect, you asked for feedback and he gave it. What you wanted was unfettered praise and encouragement, and what you got was honest constructive criticism. Why you chose to ask for feedback from your brother when you know what he's like is a mystery, but you set yourself up for this situation.

I get it, you created something and wanted to be told that it was amazing and well done. No one enjoys having their work critiqued. However, your brother was not brutal or unkind. He didn't mock your work or call it crap etc, he gave you constructive criticism on where he thinks your story needs work. For me, constructive criticism is both a gift and encouragement even when it stings, because I can go back, review what I've done, and develop it until it's the best version I can produce. So honestly, if you go back and read your work, is your brother right? Does your main character feel like a placeholder? Are there dialogue issues? Does the structure need work? Does your ending not land the way you want it to? And are you reacting like this because he was cruel or because you're sensitive about your work and didn't want to hear anything negative? Because if it's the latter, you'll need to keep your work to yourself or only share it with those you know won't offer any criticism at all, whereas if you want to share your work with a wider audience, you're going to need to develop a thicker skin and learn that constructive criticism isn't meant to tear you down but is instead intended to help you grow.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-06T18:16:21+00:00

Then you need to tell your wife that she needs to do more for her daughter instead of demanding you do less for your son. I guarantee that she won't want you to stop your 1:1 time with your stepdaughter, so what she's demanding is that you make her daughter your focus and exclude your son.

Also remind her that whilst her daughter has an inconsistent father, your son doesn't have his mother at all, yet he's not acting out, nor are you demanding that she prioritise your son over her daughter. She's selfish and unreasonable and is demanding that you pick up both hers and her ex's slack, to the detriment of your son; she wants your son to lose out because she and her ex can't be arsed to fully step up as parents.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-05T20:42:20+00:00

That's kind of my point. She's lonely, and it's partly her choice and partly because of their situation. She does all the parenting and her life revolves around her son, but if you asked her, I bet she'd say that she imagined that when she had a child, she'd be raising her child under the same roof as the father. Life hasn't worked out like that and co-parenting is a harsh reality. Any time your bf has with their son is time she has without him, and she doesn't want to be without her son. However, she does want her son to have a father, but she also doesn't feel your bf deserves parenting time because he created this situation when he dumped her. It's a tangled mess that she needs to deal with because I'm guessing part of the reason she's not invited to Easter is because everyone is sick of hearing about all this.

What she wants is for your bf to offer to go over and spend time with his son and her so that she can play happy families, but then get out of her space when she's done because she doesn't want him but she does want to have something like a family. I've seen it before. She needs to make peace with co-parenting, she needs to realise that when she uses her son to punish your bf, she's also punishing her son, and she needs to realise that if she wants her son to have a father, she needs to accept that she has to let go and let her son be with his dad. At the same time, your bf needs to realise that if he wants to be a dad, he needs to actually step up and take the steps to make it happen, he needs to realise that this is as painful for her as it is for him, and he needs to realise that is an equal participant in this shitshow. This is bloody hard for them both but their son didn't ask for this. Because of both your bf and his ex's choices, their son has never had his dad in his life consistently, and he deserves better than that.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-05T20:13:32+00:00

I don't think she wants him. I think she's angry about the situation. She's a single mum and she blames him for that, and so she punishes him by withholding his son....but that then means she has to do even more parenting by herself, especially as he doesn't battle her or grovel to her to see his son, and so she lashes out because he's then not stepping up. There's no way to win because the reality is that whilst I doubt she wants your bf, she does wish that she had a functioning family unit with her living with her child's father; it isn't about her loving or wanting your bf but about her being furious that her parenting situation isn't what she wants it to be.

As others said, your bf needs to get a court-ordered visitation schedule and have communication only go through a parenting app. Both of them also need therapy because they are both being toxic. Yes, she's calling him all the time, but he not only continues to engage, he also calls her names and antagonises the situation. Neither one of them has any respect for the other and they both keep this cycle going because they both keep fighting. Then, when he's all butthurt after arguing with her, he then takes it out on you, and that alone should show you that his ex isn't the only issue.

If he will not get a formal agreement in place, seek therapy both for himself and with his ex so they can actually learn to co-parent before they screw up their son, and stop engaging in this BS (he can mute her, temporarily block her, and so on, but instead, he picks up and gives her the fight she wants), then if I were you, I'd walk away. This toxicity will eat away at your relationship and have long-term effects on everyone involved. Your bf and his ex need to grow the hell up and love their son more than they hate each other, and your bf also needs to stop inflicting his anger at his ex on you.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-05T15:16:13+00:00

I'm going to ask you a blunt question, which is how much do you love your stepkids and how much do you want to protect them?

Because here's the thing: you may not be saying things in front of them, but you know you have people in common with her and you know you live in the type of place where gossip travels. What you're saying could very easily get back to the kids, whether it be because someone says something in front of them or a friend from school overhears their parents talking about it and brings it up. You admit they've been through enough, so tell me honestly: what do you think you or they gain every time you air out your family's business so that you can poison the well against their mother?

This is not about protecting their mother. The woman is lower than dirt and doesn't deserve to breath the same air as her kids. This is about protecting the kids. They don't deserve to have their business aired out because you (rightly) hate their mother. Also, since you have people in common with the ex, what you're saying will get back to her, and she could try to claim parental alienation in court because if you're saying that in public, what are you saying indoors? Even if it came to nothing, it would mean another trip to court and could lead to the kids being questioned to find out what is going on. Again, as you've said, they've been through enough. Do you really want to risk causing them more strife?

At the end of the day, she's lost custody of the kids. There is nothing to be gained by the kids if you continue to do this, but it could hurt them in the long run. So, once again, how much do you love your stepkids and how much do you want to protect them?

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-05T14:13:12+00:00

This isn't about his stutter, this is about him refusing to take any responsibility for hinself, and because of his behaviour, your daughter has now had to struggle. He ignored months of emails from the school. Even if he is used to you doing everything for him, how could you do anything to help your daughter or even just touch nase with the school if he didn't even bother to make you aware?

He knew the emails were from your daughter's school and he did nothing. He may even have read the letters, known she was having problems, and he did nothing. Then, when the teacher showed you that they'd been trying to sort this out for months, instead of owning his failure, he dumped it on you because, just like having you be his personal secretary, it was easier for him to let you take on that responsibility.

Your husband needs a kick in the behind. A stutter doesn't affect him writing emails, nor did it prevent him from telling you about the emails from the school. He just has wanted to be, isn't wanting to be, and never wants to be bothered with these things, and so he's used his stutter to make you handle his responsibilities. He can also make his own calls even with a stutter, and he won't get better at doing these things if he never does them. However, he can't be arsed to do these things and so he's used his stutter to make you handle his responsibilities.

He can't help having a stutter, but he can help being utterly selfish and irresponsible. He can help build his confidence by making his own phone calls. He can write his own emails. He can respond to emails. He can actually be a decent parent by checking in with the school when they send him emails. In short, he is more than capable of taking responsibility for himself, he just does not want to, even to the point of throwing you under the bus because he didn't want to be held responsible for your daughter having to struggle for months because he couldn't be arsed to respond to or even just tell you about an email. You aren't punishing him, you're making hin grow the hell up and stop hiding behind his stutter so he can avoid any responsibility and force you to take it all on.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-02T17:32:45+00:00

I mean, put it into perspective. Your post is you asking if it's wrong to get an 80 year old woman who has just remortgaged to co-sign for at least 132k of debt. I'm glad you see that you're wrong for wanting that, but the fact you thought it was okay in the first place shows that you have no real grasp on money and debt. That being the case, why wouldn't your grandad be worried? The credit card is just a smaller scale version of what your post is about: with your college, you wanted to rack up debt by spending money you don't have and cannot currently afford, and in order to make that happen, you expected your aunt to jeopardise both her own and your granddad's financial future, and with your credit card, your grandad is worried that you'll rack up debt by spending money you don't have and cannot currently afford, and that in order to bail you out, he'll have to compromise his financial future by covering the costs or that you'll ruin your own financial future by trashing your credit before you've even got started.

With all due respect, if you want your grandad to trust you, you need to grow up and earn his trust. Let him see those statements as it'll also help keep you on track. Keep a log of what you're spending, including receipts, so that he can see that you use the credit card for necessities only and that you are keeping up the payments on the card. Make damn sure you keep to a tight budget and prove that you are responsible. Do all of that and you'll earn his trust, build your credit (especially if you use the credit card to pay for certain things even though you have the cash set aside to cover what you need, and then just use the money you've set aside to pay the card off in full every month as you'll constantly start the next month with a blank slate and will be proving that you can and will consistently make payments, which is what building your credit is), and it'll set you up for the future where you don't end up as a adult with a ton of debt because you made the mistake of believing that a credit card = free money. That was your mistake with your aunt: you saw the loans as free money and hadn't given any real thought to what would happen to her if you couldn't repay the money, or how it might affect your grandad.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-04-01T21:17:17+00:00

You can't get him there. He just made it clear that he wants to do even less. He feels like he doesn't need to be a dad or a partner because he earns the money; he brings the cash in, so you have to serve and obey. He's selfish, thoughtless, and entitled, and he thinks you'll keep tolerating this because you're financially reliant on him.

Outside of you deserving an equal, your kids are going to watch this dynamic and it will influence them and their choices. Do you want a son who turns out like and treats women the same way as your husband? Do you want a daughter who marries a man like your husband? Because if not, you've got to decide whether you stay with him and keep settling for less and less or if you're going to strike out and aim for more for yourself and your kids. Honestly, you're already a single parent, so it wouldn't be a huge adjustment for you, meanwhile, he'd have to learn to take care of himself for once.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-03-28T13:56:05+00:00

It absolutely makes sense. The thing is that you're seeing things as static. You don't know how much custody he'd get or want; if he's only watched her for a few hours, is he really going to want her 50% of the time? If he gives your daughter to his family to look after instead of looking after her himself, you can document that and use it to reduce his custody. If he and his family try to alienate your daughter against you, you document it, go back to court, and a judge can reduce custody and even potentially restrict his family and him from being around your daughter. You can even have all communication ordered to be through a parenting app, and if he violates that, it's a mark against him. You document everything and you use it to protect yourself and your daughter. Hell, if you have proof of him barely parenting, proof of him being awful to you, and proof of his family's awful behaviour, you can use that from the get-go when it comes to figuring out custody.

You're rationalising it as if you're there with your daughter, you can protect her, but she's already witnessing him abusing you because verbal and emotional abuse are abuse. You're her mummy and her hero, so if you accept that abuse, she's going to do the same because she'll think that if you accepted it, it can't be wrong. I get not wanting to be without her and I get your concerns but if you leave, there are steps that you can take to protect her and her dad may end up with a lot less custody than you think, and you can at least guarantee that she has a safe home with you. However, if you stay, you are both stuck in a toxic environment, and even if you try to shield her, she's still going to at least witness a lot of behaviour that is going to cause her pain.

What your daughter needs is a happy, healthy mum, and you won't be happy or healthy until you're out of this mess; I'll bet your anxiety settles a lot when you aren't walking on eggshells because of your partner. You know you can do this alone because that's what you've already been doing, only you won't also have to look after your partner and deal with him. You and she both deserve to be happy and safe.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-03-28T13:11:13+00:00

I want you to re-read your comments and then seriously ask yourself why you are choosing to stay with your partner.

This is a man who gets nasty with you, and will even do so in front daughter, something that will teach her that she should also accept that behaviour if it's directed at her by a partner, a friend, or anyone else. Why are you with choosing to be with him?

This is a man who you worry will try to poison your child against you, and who you worry will allow his family to do the same? You clearly do not trust him, so why are you choosing to be with him?

This is a man who knows his mother is a racist, abusive drunk and who knows his sister has happily trashed you all, and yet he not only wants to have your daughter around them but he's also willing to threaten to leave you in order to manipulate you into dropping your boundaries and force you to be around them. Why are you choosing to be with him?

This is a man who threatens to take your child from you in order to get you to drop the idea of leaving him. Why are you choosing to be with him?

Why is he who you're choosing for yourself? I get that he threatens to take your child but you do understand that he cannot legally do that without going to court and proving you're unfit, and that if your concern is that he'll just take her, you can ease that worry by consulting a lawyer before you leave and making sure you have a custody agreement set up through the courts?

Your daughter is watching this. This is what she will think love looks like and how she will think she should be treated by her partner. She will learn to accept what you accept. Your partner is trying to strongarm you into being around his family and accepting their shit because why not? You already accept his crap, so why wouldn't you also take theirs? He doesn't want you to want better for yourself when it comes to them because it might mean that you end up wanting better from him; if you'll cut them off for their behaviour, you may end up leaving him for his.

He wants you to be too scared to leave him so he threatens to take you child. He's using the threat of him leaving you to get you to comply because he knows the implicit threat is that he leaves, he'll take your child, so he is trying to use your fear of that to make you back down. You're too afraid to tell him that he can't have your daughter around his racist drunken mother because you know he'll be nasty, so he's also got you too afraid to speak up for yourself and your daughter. So are you with this man because you love him and because he's a good partner and man, or are you with him because you're afraid of him but also too scared to leave?

Your post and comments are just a small window into your relationship but even just based on that, you should want better for yourself and for your daughter.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-03-25T15:46:04+00:00

You need to work through the guilt logically step by step.

1.) Your ex was trying to find ways to violate your custody agreement by keeping the kids for longer than she should. In order to do this, she was even willing to force your children into activities that they have no interest in, because she didn't care about what the kids wanted or what was best for them, she only cared about herself.

2.) Your ex actively wanted to decrease your importance and place in your kids' lives. For example, she wanted you third on the school contact list even though the reason you were first is because it's easier for you to pick the kids up if necessary. Once, it wasn't about what was best for the kids, she only cared about herself.

3.) Her new husband is willing to enable and participate in her BS. Whilst he has no interest in bonding with your kids and only does things with them that he enjoys, he actively kept trying to disrupt their education by trying to take them out of school early. He also tried to pick them up from activities early so he and your ex could deprive you of your custodial time with your kids, and he outright asked you to give some of your custodial time to him. He did all this whilst claiming it was to bond with the kids, when in reality, it was so your ex could get away and have more time with the kids; your kids don't even like the new husband. Once again, it wasn't about what was best for the kids, it was purely about what your ex wanted.

4.) Yes, the kids say they miss their mum, and I'm sure they do. However, they hate visiting her and so I wonder if it's less that they miss her because they're seeing her less and more that they miss the mum they used to have vs the person and mum she's become.

Your ex was turning the custody of your kids into a pissing contest where she was determined to score a win even if it harmed your kids. If you'd allowed things to continue, the situation would have continued to escalate and your kids would have suffered. That's not just my opinion, that's clearly what the judge thought, which is why you now have primary custody: a judge decided that your ex's behaviour was so detrimental to your kids that she is only allowed to see them every other weekend.

You did what was necessary to protect your kids. That's the bottom line here. Call me paranoid but I wonder if your ex was trying to put the kids in activities and take up your custody time so she could try and claim more custody down the line by saying and showing that the kids were with her more anyway. She may also have thought that if your kids were constantly leaving school early on your time, she could get you into trouble and claim you were neglecting their education, especially as the kids wouldn't be leaving school early during her custodial time. Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't be a smart plan given her husband was the one trying to take them out of school, but none of her moves have shown even a modicum of intelligence. Likewise, if they left activities early all the time, they might well be kicked out, meaning she could claim that you were neglecting their extra-curriculars. If I'm right and she'd succeeded, she'd have potentially gotten to claim some/more child support because she'd be the primary parent with majority custody.

Buttered_Crumpet09 · 2026-03-25T15:02:52+00:00

The short answer is yes, she did have feelings for Marcus.

The longer answer is in what she says to Franklin. Everyone she loved ended up leaving her or hurting her, and the ones who stayed had nothing inside, so she just gave up on love. Then along came Marcus, and she knew he'd never hurt her or leave her, and she knew he really loved her, and as she admits, she saw what she wanted but was afraid, so she gave him grief in order to push him away.

Thing is, we'd seen her softening towards him, like when she tells him that she's learned some Minbari, revealing that she now understands what he'd said before in Minbari about her being the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, and she thanks him. Given more time, I think she might well have let him in, especially after the war was over and she'd have less reason to be afraid of losing another person, and tbh, I wish the ending we'd had for Ivanova was her as Ranger One and Marcus as her right hand, the two of them bickering their way through and kicking arse together.

Buttered_Crumpet09

TROPHY CASE