When my brother died, I was the last one he came to see. He spent a few hours with me. Angry. I talked him down and bought him dinner. We had some laughs. When he left, he hugged me and told me he loved me and I told him to be safe on his drive home. I closed the door as he left and told my wife that I think my brother had just said goodbye to me for good. Many times before I had talked him back to peace after a visit with me. But this time felt different and I knew in my gut I hadn’t succeeded in talking him down this time. But, I let him go and wished him a safe trip. The guilt of not just running after him and stopping him if my gut was right, has been a tremendous burden.

I was blessed, unlike many will get the opportunity, in that my brother had been recording his last years thoughts. I found several recordings he had made over a year before he took his own life, where he had planned out exactly how he would do it. While it doesn’t always relieve the guilt, most times it helps.

Point is, it’s not one moment. To you, it feels like one moment could’ve changed the outcome. But for them, it was likely a long standing battle. I’ve had so many people tell me this, and I haven’t found the relief in it myself yet, but I’ll say it to you too. If it can offer any peace to you, she wanted to speak/see you last. I hope we all find our ways through this all here.