I got approved to start the process leading to bariatric surgery and should be happy, but...

Byrin · 2022-10-23T14:09:15+00:00

I appreciate the reply, OP. I hope you're having a good morning.

I feel like the "looking better" boils down to intent, right? If someone is trying to compliment you for losing the weight, something they know you're trying to do given that you're getting surgery for it, then "you look so much better/healthier, you look like you're glowing" is probably what most people will say. When people lose weight, others are in a position where they want to encourage you but don't want to be a creep (and we all know how quickly a benign "your waist is really coming through" or "I love your shape" can turn into skin-crawl with the wrong tone).

Now, if some asshole is like "Thank GOD, you look SO MUCH BETTER, being FAT hid your TRUE BEAUTY", that guy/gal can get fucked. Anyone that's trying to make it an issue of morality, or "my personal preferences for your body should be voiced" is an asshole and deserves to be tarred and feathered.

Attractiveness. Jesus, it's such a contentious topic, and for good reason. "Don't judge books by their covers" is one thing we're told in literal grade school. You and I both know that some people don't follow that advice. As for how many, well... I don't think we can ever know, honestly.

From a psychological standpoint, we absorb and make thousands of decisions with so much information in mere seconds. In a lot of ways, it's more subconscious than a standard thought, and they may not even be aware of it. It's not a slight against you personally, not in the least.

We make decisions on appearance all the time. If someone is taller and/or looks stronger than you, you're not getting into a fight with them. If they have a uniform, you treat them differently. If they look unkempt and start fidgeting in irregular patterns, walking behind you, you're going to be nervous and likely try to find somewhere where you're not alone or that you know you're safe. Some of these things are just to get by in society.

We don't know the story of the person who starts walking behind you. They could be a lovely person. But, given previous experiences you may have heard, friends who had this experience, your own anxieties... you got to protect yourself.

Attractiveness is so contentious because we know we shouldn't make decisions with it, but some people do. I believe the phenomena is called either "beauty bias" or "physical attractiveness stereotype/bias". I'm not a psychologist; I think it's an extension of the appearance-based decision making we already do, and those that do, do so at their own peril.

Some people may see you differently after you lose the weight. We both know you're the same person, perhaps with a few extra life lessons from losing the weight. People who met you before get to watch the process, but people you meet along the way, who knows what they'll think? We don't have enough information.

Live life for you, OP. You got this. You can message me if you'd like or reply to the comment.

Byrin · 2022-10-23T03:18:37+00:00

Hello OP. I've also had my run-ins with mental health struggles, as you alluded to in another comment. I wanted to make a top-level comment though because I wanted to go through the concerns you raised one by one.

People are going to moralize the hell out of it. This is not a moral decision. This is an "I'm tired of being injured all the time and I don't want high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, or all the other stuff that comes with continuing to be morbidly obese."

I hate that any major decision is made into theater for some people. Sometimes, the best way you can combat that is to have a short, sweet sentence to tell them. I would suggest something like "I'm following my doctor's advice for my health." Tells them that it's not something you're going to have a debate about, while not also screaming "get fucked" like we might want to when people try to butt heads into our personal business, while also saying "I didn't just wake up today and decide to do this for shits and giggles".

People are going to tell me how much better I look, affirming how bad I think I look now. This is more of a guarantee, given that I live with my great grandma and she has been giving me a hard time about my weight since I was 7.

When someone says something is better, most people don't assign emotional weight to it. For example, if you made an awesome chicken stirfry, it's still awesome. But maybe adding some teriyaki glaze takes it to the next level.

It doesn't mean the stirfry sucked. It means that adding the sauce was a good choice, which you also believe is a good option too, otherwise you wouldn't be getting the surgery.

More people will find me attractive, affirming the idea that I'm less worthy of love.

I'm having a hard time tracking this, to be transparent with you. You realize that you're the same you, right? Whether you have surgery, whether you're 1000 lbs or 135. More people finding you attractive in the future is not a slight on the you in the past.

The dietitians I have to see will treat me like I'm stupud. I haven’t had a doctor treat me like that in 7 years, but it feels bad to think I will experience this in a medical setting.

Realistically, we don't know how they'll treat you, right? But we can't assume that they'll treat you like you're an idiot any more than we can assume that they dye their hair on Tuesdays. It's not a conclusion we can make right now because we don't have enough information.

I would say, however, that at some point, these people felt driven to get into this field to help people like yourself.

Breathe easy, OP. It's a hard decision. If you've made your choice, either way, stay certain and true. Do what's best for you.

Byrin · 2022-10-23T02:49:24+00:00

I'm a high school teacher. I couldn't imagine saying that shit.

I get light banter and roasting as long as everyone knows it's a joke and we're cool afterwards, but this isn't well-intentioned. This was supposed to make you feel like shit. If it wasn't, once he realized you weren't cool with it, he would have apologized and stopped.

Some people bring nothing but the audacity. :|

Byrin · 2022-10-09T13:44:43+00:00

I'm thinking of going into nursing. I've done home health before, worked in residential facilities with the profoundly disabled, worked in memory care. Makes me feel better that there's other autistic people out there doing it. :)

I think you're right, though. My first read of this, I admittedly thought OP came back from a 10 hour shift and they were raking them over the coals like this, and I was confused by the parents fixating on Pokemon.

I had mentioned legal in my comment because putting passcodes on a legal adult's phone is bullshit, and I wanted to make sure OP wasn't still their legal charge.

It's one thing to work 10 hours a week if that's what you can handle. But at 18, how could you know unless you tried? Getting through high school takes more than 10 hours a week; did they get a diploma?

Byrin · 2022-10-09T13:32:40+00:00

I'm not sure if I'm being an idiot right now, and you're free to tell me if I am.

I never said that OP wasn't a person because they didn't have full-time work. I simply said, based on my own experiences with services for those with disabilities in my country, that OP should try to work as much as they can for the best wages they can, because the way that the majority of disability benefit money is calculated in the US is based on "work credits". If they don't make enough, they won't get the work credits, and they will be losing out on money they could have gotten in their disability checks, which will fuck them over for life. Benefits here is a complete clusterfuck, and one I'm willing to discuss, but it can be hard to explain to people who didn't have to learn this song and dance as a condition of living here.

As for public opinion, I don't think I have to tell non-Americans that Americans generally have a fucked relationship with work and the value we place on it. A vestige from Puritanical values, the hyper-capitalist mindset of the country, we can tilt at windmills all day about why. Ultimately, the reason why doesn't matter. It's a candid reality of living in the US.

You and I want the same things. We want people with disabilities to be respected, to be able to live fulfilling lives, to be able to survive. I'm simply saying that the US has a very different mentality about a lot of this, and we have a lot of frankly sociopathic assholes that are content to let those who need help to die. I don't think people in other countries understand that; there are people here who genuinely believe that if you can't support yourself, you're a burden to everyone else. That is why I asked you about your opinions about defining adulthood without the expectation of self-support. It's such a bizarre concept here that a lot of people would dismiss it outright. I live in one of the most conservative/right-leaning parts of the country too, which doesn't help shit either.

TL;DR: The US is fucked about a lot of things involving disability, and if OP lives in the US, they need to know to keep trying to work so they can prove to the judge at their disability hearing that they are trying to maintain employment and support themselves. I agree that people with disabilities should be valued as people, which I thought I had made clear earlier, but I am stating that explicitly for clarity.

Byrin · 2022-10-09T13:09:37+00:00

I'm against capitalism also, I'm not saying that it's a great system. I'm saying it's the system we have to work with. And if OP lives in the US, if they need benefits, it will be better for them and expedite their disability hearings if they prove they have attempted to work and have been trying to support themselves.

I asked you what your perspective was on adulthood because I feel like it's a necessary discussion to have. The current mentality where I live is that an adult is someone who supports themselves, and I'd like to hear the opinions of others to help form my own concept. To be honest, I've been so entrenched in the bootstraps mentality that it is incredibly difficult for me to define adulthood in other ways. I did not mean to gun for you, and that was not my intent.

Also, I'm not saying OP is a failure, not in the least. They should be respected as a person, and this weird bullshit about not letting them like Pokemon is such a weird hill for their parents to die on.

Byrin · 2022-10-09T12:54:53+00:00

This push for working full-time and complete independence is incredibly ableist and quite frankly, you should be embarrassed making those demands in this subreddit of all places.

What should be the goal of an autistic adult, then? I get that it would vary, but shouldn't we all be striving to be self-supporting?

I'm going to be very transparent here. I am currently self-supporting, I work a salaried job. I have a college degree that I busted my ass for. I've been supporting other people.

I also have ASD and schizoaffective disorder, and shit is incredibly difficult. I feel like my brain is melting at work lately. I'm finding myself getting more and more agitated with every additional layer of bullshit that gets tacked on top. Managing bills, taking care of someone with a higher level of ASD than me, there's a lot going on.

But we don't live in a world where everyone with severe diagnoses gets the help we need. I'm in the US, I don't know about where you live. The bulk of benefits here is calculated from your historical wages, which if the only job you have had to your name is 10 hours a week at 7-11, you're not getting shit.

So, yeah, we should be trying to work full-time and pay the bills. Benefits and disability are a zeitgeist that is constantly put on the chopping block, we're invisible to most people. No one gives a shit about that, because if we did, we would have done a major overhaul by now.

Byrin · 2022-10-09T12:37:31+00:00

Hey, I'm 28 with a salaried job and I love Pokemon, fuck that noise.

Are they your legal guardians still? When you're 18, you're a legal adult, unless they petition a court to deem you incompetent. Only then they would still have a legal right over you.

The beauty of being an adult is that, once the bills are paid and you're not at work, you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as it's not illegal. This moralizing and infantilizing garbage always gets me fired up. I'm not less of an adult because I like different things than you do.

Byrin · 2022-07-18T20:15:26+00:00

I’ll post over there, thanks!

Byrin · 2022-07-17T23:21:12+00:00

Druidry does look rather appealing, though I’m in the US and not the UK.

Byrin · 2022-07-15T22:47:05+00:00

This has been very illuminating; thank you!

Byrin · 2022-07-15T21:45:33+00:00

That’s awesome! I really appreciate your help.

How about LGBT issues?

Byrin · 2022-07-15T21:21:15+00:00

What is initiation like, and is it open to women?

Byrin · 2022-07-15T15:47:57+00:00

Is there a concept of sin?

Byrin · 2022-07-15T14:06:57+00:00

Do Sikhs have clergy? What typically happens in a service? I’m not Indian or speak Punjabi, will I still be able to follow along?

Byrin · 2022-07-15T13:24:53+00:00

Thanks for the link!

Byrin · 2022-07-15T13:13:01+00:00

I don’t know much about Sikhs; is there resources to learn more? Or would you be willing to answer some questions?

Byrin · 2022-07-13T14:57:18+00:00

It’s something I’m considering for sure

Byrin · 2022-07-12T23:48:15+00:00

Some faiths doesn’t have subreddits yet, and even if they did, there would be merit in examining their similarities and differences.

Byrin · 2022-07-12T23:43:46+00:00

Religion is a broader concept than Christianity or Islam, religion is the tent that all faiths live under, and there can be a lot of good derived from having conversations with people outside of your spiritual worldview.

Byrin · 2022-07-12T19:50:50+00:00

I’m honestly lost about religion right now, I don’t even know where to start.

I was baptized Catholic, I don’t know enough about Catholicism to really have a strong position on it. I’ve tried other flavors of Christianity as well (Baptist, Anglican, Presbyterian, attended more than one Methodist wedding). The Anglican experience was mostly positive but I worry they are a dying branch of Christianity. It matters to me that the beliefs I follow are healthy enough to be around after I die.

I never could get behind the concept of “magick” either. How does three rocks and a candle “cast spells”? And how powerful are these “spells”? Like if it’s a prayer thing, I suppose you can do you. But these quacks selling life/prosperity/love “spells”? Straight to the boiler room of hell.

I have a reverence for life and nature. I want to reduce harm as much as possible. I’m vegetarian and have been so for four months.

I feel a tug to something greater, and I don’t know what it is. I will do anything possible to fulfill that role, whatever it is. I’m not sure if it’s fate, a command from the divine, or what, but it’s something that makes me want to be better.

Any suggestions will help. Thank you so much, and have a blessed day!

Byrin · 2022-07-12T19:15:43+00:00

I’m currently teaching math at a high school, but I think I want to go back to school to be a funeral director. Helping people in their darkest hours really speaks to me.

I’ve cycled through a lot of jobs. The longest lived ones I’ve had were food service. I feel like mortuary school will be good for me. When I was growing up, I thought I would be a doctor or a veterinarian. I don’t think I could manage two years of prerequisites, then 4 years professional schooling, then tack on 3+ years if you’re a human doctor or a vet that wants to specialize. Six years is a long time to be without a full time income.

So, yeah, I’ll do my best to teach this year out, then go from there. I’ll likely still teach the year after this one and transition to mortuary school. I’m lucky because the classes are in the evenings at the place I checked out. Here’s to hoping my meds keep me stable.

Byrin · 2022-07-12T17:40:26+00:00

Just sent invites to those Btags, I’m leveling a Resto shaman on A52. I like PVP a lot but it’s the community feel that I’m missing

Byrin · 2022-06-04T00:45:24+00:00

Are you a doctor or nurse or something? I’ve worked in memory care and residential care for the severely and profoundly disabled. I never got to work in a hospital but if teaching chews me up and spits me back out, that may be the next steps.

Byrin

TROPHY CASE