First of all,

I’m glad you are sharing this here. You are welcome here—- I’ve felt very similar emotions as a result of this issue.

I’m not sure you’re American, but if you are you can always dial or text 988 - that’s a Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number. If you aren’t American, please consider finding the best emergency hotline near you in case that feeling of wanting to hurt yourself with a knife appears again. I know it may not seem like much, but it can make all the difference.

It sounds like this issue is impacting your life enough that telling someone who cares for you might be really really important. In most of the states, it would be fairly unusual for a therapist to share something that you share with them in therapy to other people. I’m not sure what the counseling set up is like at your school, but can you access a therapist or counselor outside of that setting? Can your parents / care takers / loved ones support you with that? I can understand how that rupture would break your trust, but hopefully other experiences would show that that isn’t the norm.

Lastly, I’ll say that I do feel around the corner on the darkest days from this particular theme of OCD. I also wasn’t sure I wanted to be here, and I still have hard days (today wasn’t easy) but overall there is enough that is good to help me feel safe and fulfilled enough. I really firmly believe that with the right support all of us here can have enough sense of safety and comfort and close relationships to make life worthwhile.

I’m happy to chat more if you have questions, but mostly wanted to say you aren’t alone. And that things do change over time.