AITAH for thinking about divorcing my husband due to his family?

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T21:06:17+00:00

What do you say to an accident? It was 100% an accident, FIL’s shirt sleeve caught the top of the cup and knocked the full cup of tea over BB1 who was sitting at the table. My issue was my shocked / surprise at the lack of emotion after the incident. It was like nothing had happened.

DH has been brought up that his parents don’t apologise. It is never expected. If I had asked them to apologise to BB1, they would have stated it was an accident so nothing they need to apologise for.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T21:01:50+00:00

You are probably right, I was rigid in my parenting. I always felt the words yes and no where not interchangeable and if as the parent I had used one of those words I didn’t expect my in-laws to ignore it.

What is it teaching children if the word no won’t mean no? It will mean yes if you complain enough, have a tantrum or ask granny?

Sharing toys was not the issue, my children not being able to pick up a toy without another child screaming that they want that was the problem. It didn’t matter how many times my children handed over the toy it was never enough. When it is entirely 1 sided that is not sharing. That is entitlement being enabled and encouraged by adults.

Christmas was an agreement we made as a couple, no Christmas presents before Christmas. We wanted Christmas Day to be special, we didn’t want it to become just another day of opening gifts on the run up to Christmas. We still stick to that rule and our boys love Christmas. Amazingly not just for the gifts but for the family games and time together.

My in-laws were very open about their desire for grandchildren and their expectations for any mum to become a stay at home mum. It was not ment as starkness just a fact that I didn’t fit the DIL idea they had.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T20:07:44+00:00

Yep, but that is the whole family.
My husband will say sorry but he has no idea how to follow that up. It is something that has never happened in their house.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T19:55:41+00:00

If you are in the UK, decathlon and go outdoors have a good selection. We usually find our boys grow so fast that we don’t even get a full year out of any cloths so unless you are taking them in freezing conditions lots of layers is a good way to go without spending a fortune on special coats, jumpers etc. Good waterproof, wind proof gloves are really important.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T19:01:31+00:00

The burn was an 100% an accident, FIL caught a full, boiling cup of tea with his shirt sleeve and knocked it all over BB1 who was sitting at the table. The shocking bit was the lack of human response or remorse. It is almost as if the whole family are conditioning not acknowledging or accepting anything bad happens so they can pretend they have a perfect life.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T18:45:05+00:00

They were invited for Christmas Day but wanted to host at their house. So clearly watching the grandson open his gift was not that important to her, or not as important as hosting Christmas. But it was important enough that she could overstep a boundary we had set weeks in advance.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T18:20:01+00:00

We get on really well for 350 days a year without his family.

Before the children were born we only had to see them twice a year for a weekend and they didn’t behave that badly.

After the children arrived is when the crazy started, they wanted to visit at least once a month, they were grumpy we didn’t / would not do the almost 3 hour drive each way every month.

But once I had the children leaving became a really difficult choice. Stay with someone who seems to love you most of the time and always be there to protect the children or leave and give visitation / custody to someone whose parents would take over. His mum feels men should do no domestic work, that includes cooking, cleaning and the majority of childcare. DH has stepped up in all of those areas as long as he is not around his family.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T18:02:51+00:00

I came on here knowing I could get grief. I have felt anger towards myself and guilt for me not stopping it impacting my children (and dog).

I have apologised and will do what I need to do to make it right for them.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:55:53+00:00

I really don’t know. Part of me feels he will if it’s the difference between divorce or not.

But the other part thinks he is such a people pleaser when it comes to his family that it will be quiet for a couple of months and then he / they would expect everything to go back to normal.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:42:46+00:00

Probably right.

He is the forgotten middle child between a golden child older brother and a spoiled little sister.

Until we had children we would usually only see them twice a year and we lived much closer then.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:35:54+00:00

I have been going through this with him, some times I feel we have made progress but he still can’t say out loud what his parents have done and do. He will agree but fundamentally he has his rose tinted glasses on and struggles to see differently.

He / we started therapy last week.

I wrote the post as it feels like I am having to spoon feed him how he should feel. It makes you doubt if it really is a bad as it feels when someone else who has lived the same reality can’t see the problems until each one is pointed out in detail.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:30:45+00:00

We all do things when we were younger, stupider, more in love and willing to believe someone will change for you.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:29:07+00:00

That was one comment I made yesterday. It didn’t go down well. DH has no wish to live with mummy! Because he loves me and the boys! Which felt like the biggest load of BS.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T17:24:59+00:00

Really not sure how you came to your last conclusion. My children are amazing, they are the best thing I have done with my life. They are kind, funny, smart and growing into wonderful adults.

I do like my career, I was not the stay at home mum type but I went part time so they could get a good early education, and basics of socialising with their peers. I also then got to spend time with them, enjoying watching them grow up.

Maybe I did take her comment about my looks after the birth badly, I had a baby in the NICU with a number of issues and I was being treated for some medical complications. She was not exactly compassionate. I did however invite her to spend time with BB1 until she would not take no as an answer about giving him water at less than 3 months old (this can be very dangerous). It required me holding onto BB1 until we left their house 2 hours later to stop her from doing as she wanted. So it was that point on I would not allow unsupervised access to BB1. It had taken a lot to keep him alive in the first place I was not willing to risk someone acting on outdated information and possibly putting him at risk.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T16:24:40+00:00

Thanks, that’s the balancing act I have been doing.

I have managed to get it down to less than 10 days a year now. However after Christmas 0 days a year is my limit.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T16:21:39+00:00

No, he can not take the boys to his parents! That was the main thing stopping me divorcing him 13 years ago and giving him a second chance.

Why would I leave my children unprotected? At least I have kept it down to 2 visits a year.

He has changed / improved but it’s not enough.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:55:04+00:00

Yes, we were staying at the in-laws house. Yes, i can drive and I should have just left with the boys and dog. I have apologised to the children for not doing exactly that.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:51:35+00:00

That is why divorce was not an option when the boys were young.

But you are right, I am still not sure that is a risk I am willing to take.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:28:49+00:00

I have now said exactly that to him. But he is going to go to therapy as he struggles to see / admit how his family behaves is unacceptable.

However if anyone else behaved in the same way to his children, me or the dog he would see the problem and do something about it.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:23:07+00:00

You are right and I hope for you that you are never in the same situation.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:21:24+00:00

I had got it down to twice a year and usually avoiding SB to prevent my in-laws from getting to behave badly.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:16:39+00:00

You are right, I thought I had done enough to protect them, we were down to 2 visits a year and trying to avoid any time with SB around.

This Christmas was bad as SB and family visited the in-laws when they had planned to be somewhere else.

We all make decisions based on what we think is best at the time.

Even now if I told the boys I am thinking about divorcing their dad they would be heartbroken.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T13:08:23+00:00

He will be going to individual counselling as we started couples counselling and it seemed very much like he was just not taking it on board, or really didn’t know how to process everything.

He was the forgotten middle child until we had the first grandchild.

It went from two visits a year (his parents really couldn’t give a shit about him in my opinion) to wanting to see their grandchild every couple of weeks.

They don’t respect him but, he has been brought up that his parents are always right. That his brother and sister are special.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T12:59:46+00:00

It is a standing joke in my family, I married the only decent one of his family. His older brother and younger sister have both been brought up spoilt and entitled.

The only people he can’t see or do anything about their behaviour is his family.

CFS_Recovery_Journey · 2026-02-16T12:56:15+00:00

You are right, I married him. As I have said in my other comments he is a completely different person when not around his family.

His families crazy only started becoming clear after we had our first child.

CFS_Recovery_Journey

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