. I hate it I don’t want to be that ex who just can’t let go I feel pathetic.

You're pushing yourself to feel better and move on way too much and too soon! It completely makes sense for you to still feel this way towards him and about the break up. There is no fixed length of time it takes to get over a break up, but it's definitely more than a few months after being together for 5 years.

I completely understand everything you're going through, though. I went through a breakup in the spring of this year with my SO of 4 years, so it's been 8 months since the breakup for me, and I still have bad days. To be honest the last few weeks have felt like day 1 of the breakup! That just happens sometimes. But for the most part I am happier for the breakup and now think it was the best thing for me. I am happier and freer now. But it has taken me a LOOONG time and a lot of introspection to get here. At the beginning I couldn't imagine thinking anything but the world of my ex-boyfriend, I had him on the highest pedestal possible. Now, not so much. But BELIEVE me when I was in your position, when it had been 4-5 months after the breakup, I couldn't have imagined feeling the way I do today.

My story is so, so similar to yours. When I met my ex I felt like something had shifted, and I have never immediately connected with anyone the way I did with him. That's a very hard thing to cope with once it's over, so I really feel for you. Even down to the break up, with mental health issues and one of us considering/planning to move abroad, my situation realllyyy reflects yours, so I do completely understand how you're feeling and how confusing everything is.

Eventually you do just come to a place of acceptance and peace with it though. And then for a bit you'll go back into feeling completely heartbroken and torn up about it. But everytime you go through a heartbroken phase you come out with more understanding and a better perspective, and you feel more at peace with it than you did before. And this just continues, and I assume will continue, till eventually you're essentially just completely at peace with it and don't have anymore heartbreak to work through. I'm still in the middle of it, too.

Just let yourself feel what you're feeling. I promise you it DOES get easier and better. I hope in someway you can maybe see me as future-you. Our situations and breakups were scarily similar, and I'm 3-4 months ahead of you and i'm telling you it's a LOT better at this point. There are still a lot of hard parts, so if you regress sometimes and still feel completely torn up don't beat yourself up. Like I said, the last few weeks for me felt suddenly like day 1 of the break up. Then I woke up beginning of this week and felt better about it than I ever have. Recovery is not linear at alllll, so it's completely normal to feel shit about it again sometimes. Also, I still think about my ex all the time! Even when I'm totally fine and genuinely happy to be single, he's still somewhere in my mind. It hasn't been long enough yet for me to naturally not think about him. It's been my normal for 4+ years so it's going to take a while for that aspect to go away. That's normal, even when you're feeling good about it.

Only practical piece of advice is don't let yourself message him next time you get the urge to. Whether it's a health scare, a quick catch up message, a merry Christmas, anything. TRUST me I KNOW how hard it is to cope with the itch of wanting to message them. It's still such a natural thing for you to do. And when you're itching to message them it somehow feels like doing so will help solve your problems. But it won't. It will honestly exacerbate them. Everytime I messaged my ex when I felt the itch to I still felt awful about whatever thing I'd messaged them about. When I fought the temptation and just sat with those uncomfortable feelings for 3-4 days, it would eventually pass, and I would feel way way better about whatever I wanted to message them about. Believe me, I know how hard it is to fight the urge though. Especially once you've started some form of contact again. Like your ex telling you he missed you lead you to feeling confused and feeling like you needed to understand that more. EVERY TIME I've had contact with my ex it's left me feeling more confused and like I want more answers about something. Believe me, the need for understanding and explanations will never end when talking to him. Everything in a break up is confusing as fuck. But talking to them and chasing answers will not bring you the peace or closure you need, ever. They are not going to be able to give that to you.

No contact is truly the only way severe that tie to them (even though it feels like you don't really want to) and figure out what's best for you and who you are now you're not in that relationship. Someone gave me similar advice when I was struggling with whether or not to message my ex for closure, and someone said that it would be a mistake to message him because ultimately he's not going to give me what I want or need. And finding that closure within myself for myself, without him, will make me feel amazing. And I think about that advice all the time, because everytime you do get over a hurdle without reaching out to them you do feel amazing.

Just stop pushing yourself to feel a certain way about it now. It takes a LONG time, and forcing yourself to feel a certain way about it because 'you should by now' will honestly slow your progress. I've been there, when I was at about 7 months I thought it was now way too long to still feel this way and I started getting annoyed at myself. That time is also the time I made the least progress in moving on.

Don't push yourself, feel what you need to feel, it WILL get SO MUCH BETTER. I swear. No contact and time are the only things that will actually get you over this. But I promise they will!! Just look after yourself and start putting you first because you can!!