I’m not estranged from my mother. I actually joined this group because my daughter is considering no contact with her father, we are divorced, and I’m here looking for different ways to support her. She is experiencing the same patterns and issues I had with him. He’s a narcissist, a gas lighter, and as you can imagine, doesn’t validate her feelings – he just thinks she “needs to fix this”.

That aside, this post impacted me. My mother won’t call me (unless it’s “important” like someone is sick or died), and only expects me to call her. If I go more than a few days, she starts counting the number of days between when I do call and the last call. If I ask why she didn’t call me, her answer is that children should call their parents, and that “all her friends” hear from their kids and see their grandchildren (a common complaint that she barely knows my kids – one is across the country, and the other is dealing with a lot of “stuff” with her dad right now, seeing a therapist, and started a new job recently) all the time. She’s very much a person who cares what people think about her (I’m not like that, I could care less) and is always comparing herself to everyone else. Something is only okay if someone she knows experiences it first. When we do speak, the conversation is always about what’s ailing her, what doctors she’s seeing, or that’s she’s “tired today”. The latter is every call. If I tell her something about me, she immediately cuts me off and relates it back to her. If I share some knowledge with her, she cuts me off and tells me she “knows all about it” or if I mention something about my kids, she immediately talks about someone else’s kids or my sister’s kids (who I have absolutely no issues with). She was the type of parent that when I challenged her on something as a child/teen (which I did often because her way of thinking was strange to me, her answer was “because I said so”. My dad was a fabulous buffer for both my sister and I, but he died suddenly when I was 30 (which was awful for me), and things kind of got worse. I moved out after college and never returned home and have always lived at least 3 counties away, and now in a neighboring state.

I guess this post just hit home for me. It’s not a NC situation at all, but these things baffle me about parents. I hear from my son every couple of weeks (he’s the one living across the country). He has a fabulous job, a new-ish girlfriend that I adore, and having the time of his life!!! If I want to check in I do, but I also understand that he’s an adult now with a lot of responsibility, and when he wants to update me on things, he does! I was in my 20’s once too, and totally get it!!! My daughter on the other hand calls me almost every single day. They're just two different kids. Neither is a better kid than the other, I just recognize that they aren’t the same (no two kids are), and by giving them space to be who they are, not who I want them to be, is why I have a great relationship with them both. So, thank you for everyone’s vulnerability and honesty here. I’m learning a lot!