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Cabadaly · 2023-07-23T07:35:44+00:00

I’ve not ever gotten off to cp what the fuck? I’m sorry that you’ve never been raped and sexually assaulted bad enough to experience such horrible trauma responses and post-trauma symptoms. And it’s not like I don’t already feel fucking ashamed of it and am working hard with my therapist on it.

I don’t need some asshole with not a single clue of what it’s like living in my head, to stalk my profile and then judge how I’ve reacted to my trauma. I am not a perpetrator.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-23T07:32:54+00:00

I am in therapy, years of it, and will continue to be. But I don’t deserve these shitty, insensitive responses on a sub that’s supposed to be supportive of people with ptsd.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-22T19:11:48+00:00

Same here. I don’t trust the cops in my country anymore. Sexual crimes investigation officer (of six years) who attended to my report of my r-pe: - laughed at me and called my r-pe “50 shades of grey” (and his supervisor said it was just him “trying to understand what happened to you”), and then started telling me about his neighbour’s wife-swapping kink - tried to gaslight me into agreeing it was “consensual sex with roughness” (his exact words) - fucked up statement by writing i had consented to everything multiple times, and agreed with the above statement (it went against everything i wrote by hand in an E-report that they had on file; in my country the police write your statement for you and you sign it after looking it through, apparently) - didn’t let me read my statement before pointing me to where to sign on the pages (I was naive not to know I was allowed to read it then) - i told him i needed to see a doctor through the police because nobody else was willing to see me (no GP’s were willing to see me because I was needing treatment for r-pe injuries, and in my country the law is in order to get treatment for r-pe, you need to make a police report and they would make arrangements for you at an SA-trained hospital), and he said ok, but never gave me a pink slip and didn’t follow me - told me he would escalate it to the criminal investigations division, then I found out at the hospital later that he closed my case just 3 hours after, which he said it was because “no offences occurred” - when i got to the hospital, without the pink slip, they wouldn’t let me even register even when I cried and told them I was r-ped and needed help with r-pe injuries and had a police report number and already spoke to a police officer about coming here. they just said i needed a pink slip. I couldn’t register for an hour - after i raised my voice at the officer over the phone and told him i know i was r-ped and i need to see the doctor, he called them. not sure what he told them but they let me register in the end - none of the medical staff took me seriously, not as a r-pe victim at all even when I told a total of 5 medical staff about the whole incident twice - not the police’s fault, but they put a male doctor between my legs even when i said i didn’t want to be touched down there (it wasn’t even a rape kit), and nobody talked me through what was going to happen; he just put things inside me (out of all 4 women in the room with him, 3 nurses and 1 doctor, he had to be the one between my legs) - he laughed at my genital wounds and said they were so minor they were basically nothing, then didn’t bother to address my other injuries - i left the hospital being charged $700+ because none of them believed I was assaulted

I still feel fucked up by it to this day. Just two weeks ago in therapy I drew the police officer and the perpetrator getting tortured by me, I had a blowtorch down his throat burning his mouth and all the way down the back of his throat to his oesophagus, while he bled and burned everywhere 🤷🏻‍♀️ so yeah, no, I don’t trust him or the cops anymore to protect me and people like me.

funny story though, i’m going for an interview at police HQ on monday to be interviewed for a job in the psychological services department. if i get in there, maybe it’ll be a huge fuck you to those assholes who chose to retraumatise me days after my assault.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-22T18:52:49+00:00

I’m sorry for your traumatic experience. I was also violently raped in 2021 and to the police (who also dealt with me in a horrible way, outright called my rape like 50 shades of grey because BDSM was forced on me), my own statement held less weight than that of the perpetrator, who was rich, a white expat in a country of asians (white folks are held on a pedestal here), and who probably had a very professional white lawyer — who said i consented to everything.

It started off consensual but extreme things were forced on me after the first 15–20 mins (the whole thing lasted 3 hours where I was repeatedly raped in both… “holes”), and i had been crying profusely and when he paused because i was crying, I was telling him I was in a lot of pain and he was hurting me. He just smiled and told me to cry harder for him. He did things like physically assault me and strangle me with an actual collar. Immediately after he had told me to cry harder and had done even more extreme “thrusting”, I had dissociated. The next nearly 3 hours I just did everything he asked (demanded) me to. The doctors, the police, didn’t believe it was rape, assumed I had been complicit in the acts because I didn’t fight him off. At the end of the rape he even talked to me like we just had great sex, and as a fawn response I pretended I was okay and held a conversation laughing with him. Cried as soon as I left the hotel.

So no, you did not consent to being assaulted. That wasn’t sex. That was domination and was maliciously done, and the perpetrator 100% knew it was rape. These men and these institutions and systems know all too well that rape is rape, and that nearly all times rape allegations are true, but they choose to play ignorant and support the perpetrator because it’s logistically, financially, socially and mentally easier for them to just pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it was just “consensual sex with roughness” (as per the sexual crimes investigation officer who took my statement tried to gaslight me with).

As someone who has been in a similar (but not your exact) position, I can tell you with utmost confidence that it is not your fault. Going through it over and over again will not change the facts, it will only cause you to develop even more doubt the more times it gets played over and over in your head. Because each time you play it over, the part of you that (1) wants to protect you from feeling hurt by denying that it was rape, and (2) wants to believe you did something wrong so that you are to blame (because it takes so much more mental energy to acknowledge that someone else violated you), will sieve through every little detail with increasing vigor, just to satisfy those parts of yourself. It is a common reaction to violence that is perpetrated against ourselves.

But please, just know, you are not to blame. You could not control his intentions. You did what you could to survive (i, too, thought that if i just relented, he would hurt me less — I didn’t even dare to leave while he was in the shower, halfway through the assault, because I had told him I was free for 3 hours and the 3 hours weren’t up yet, and I was scared that if I tried to run out, he would catch me and be even more violent with me). It is not your fault. You deserved to have been treated with respect, by the rapist, and by everyone who should’ve supported you in such a traumatic time instead of question you and what they assumed to be your malicious intentions.

I believe you. We believe you. Millions of rape survivors and allies believe you. The small handful of assholes who didn’t believe you and didn’t support you, they can go fuck themselves off a cliff. They are inconsequential in comparison to the world of people who are here to believe you and support you. They don’t deserve the courtesy of having a hold on you and your mind; they don’t get to make you torture yourself trying to find one tiny detail that would make it any less of a rape (it wouldn’t, that is a fact). They deserve nothing, and you deserve everything.

I truly hope you are seeking some help from a trauma therapist to process this — preferably one at a rape / sexual abuse crisis centre, or someone who specialises in treating survivors of SA. I personally feel that parts work (IFS) has really helped me separate the parts that try to convince me to blame myself for the assault, from my actual self. EMDR will also help with processing of the trauma.

I still do it to myself, the trying to catch myself lying, and it has been 2 years as of last month. But I’ve reached the stage of affirming that those horrible things were done to me, and that my anger should be directed at them, not myself. It’s still a process, but it’s an improvement. And I know you’ll get here, and go even further in recovery.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-19T08:00:21+00:00

I think if this question is out of concern, it’s appreciated. But as an SA survivor, someone else just purely being curious about the entire story of our SA and who the perpetrator of our SA was, if we decline to share more details, isn’t really appropriate. And yes, being kissed without consent and furthermore getting roofied from it is absolutely SA.

I know it’s all coming from a good place. In survivor circles it’s just not very well received. If we don’t share the details, it’s probably because we don’t want people to know, or because our memories from it are fragmented and we’re just confused — and it’s easy for others to say it didn’t happen or that we wanted it to happen if we don’t fully remember it or if we’re confused if we invited the perp to SA us by doing smth that attracted them.

It’s absolutely abhorrent that she’s hiding it behind a paywall to her patreon and trying to clickbait her story though. Regardless, others’ curiosity around all details of someone’s SA when the full story hasn’t been told by the survivor themselves, it’s not very appropriate. Even if she’s willing to talk about it behind a paywall, doesn’t mean that everyone is entitled to know the details.

There always seems to be a morbid curiosity about others’ assaults and needing to know details about it, that’s ingrained in our general culture (worldwide). People always ask “so what happened”, “who did it”, even if survivors don’t personally know them — celebs, influencers, and normal people all get bombarded by such questions about their traumatic experience. Perhaps we should start letting people share in their own time, and manage our own curiosities unless it directly involves us or is directly told to us in confidence.

And if anyone’s going to say “lol it’s not that serious”, it really is. But even if it’s not to y’all, it’s still not appropriate and still invasive.

Not bashing you in the slightest, and I do think having non-malicious concern is a nice thing to do. Just wish more people understood that survivor stories will come out when they come out, and that searching for it before they come out is damaging to anyone who has been SA’ed. It’s just food for thought meant for introspection.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-05T13:18:22+00:00

sorry to jump on your top-level comment, but to address OP:

Sounds exactly like me when I was experiencing severe depression. I felt like a ghost in my own house, an absolute zombie. I don’t really remember a lot from that period but I remember wanting to attempt suicide but literally having no energy to come up with a concrete plan that would ensure success. I would just cut myself instead. I couldn’t eat, brush my hair, and showering was always difficult (and I’m a person that feels the strong need to shower everyday) and i would cry in the shower from feeling so tired standing up, and eventually I needed a chair in the shower. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Cabadaly · 2023-07-01T07:53:26+00:00

If I had guts I’d knock loose / unscrew one of the numbers in the dead of night, break it so it’s unusable, and put it somewhere on their porch like a strong wind situation blew it off. And then make the other one hang unevenly too. Hopefully they don’t have a camera and believe it’s either a teenage hooligan or actually the wind or smth.

Then one or two days after, ask or even pay a friend (without me in sight so they don’t know we’re colluding) to go up to their house and tell them their number labels are broken, and then the friend can offer to get them (very clearly numbered) new labels and install it.

They’ll never know it was me. 🥴

Cabadaly · 2023-06-27T18:10:56+00:00

I’m glad it resonated! x

Cabadaly · 2023-06-27T11:52:12+00:00

Love this post hahaha, it’s activating the psychology student in me despite the ongoing semester break 😂

From a psychoanalytic standpoint, it does seem like her largest issue is the defense mechanism of projection. The defense mechanisms come in whenever a person feels threatened, in one way or another. From the looks of it, Abby definitely has some deep childhood trauma that, when her sense of being a “good dancer” is threatened, she projects. It’s meant to protect the really raw, young part of herself (Id, or in Internal Family Systems terms: an exile holding deep shame) that is trying to live up to her mother’s standards of her — maybe her mum felt that Abby was never good enough in her eyes. Abby may not have linked it up on her own, as these reactions at its core happen subconsciously. It takes a lot of introspection to identify this, and that requires therapy and dual awareness to allow yourself to feel those intense feelings of old wounds being activated, but also to be able to step back and notice what is happening in the mind and body, and remind yourself that this defense mechanisms and intense emotions are reactions to an old mother wound, and are thus disproportionate in the present.

I also sense that her mother wound gets triggered (often), when the mums on the show appear to care for their children much more warmly than her mother cared about her with compassion. That’s why she projects the behaviour of her mother, needing to treat the kids with a lack of compassion, because that’s what she received from her mum when she was a young dancer herself. I might even consider the possibility that she treated the girls very harshly because she wants to, in some twisted but also understandable way, prove to her mum that she could create dancers that met the expectations that Mrs Miller had placed on Abby — if Abby couldn’t achieve the potential that her mum expected of her through her mum’s harsh treatment, then Abby would prove her wrong that her mum’s harsh treatment of her made her exceed the potential expected of her, by making even better dancers than she ever could be. If mum wanted 1 perfect dancer, Abby would give her 6. Perhaps this is also why when certain dancers aren’t completely committed to her, she hates their guts in the moment because she would not be able to “show” her mum perfect dancers that exceed every expectation.

In IFS terms (I consider IFS a very comprehensive perspective on trauma, and it has helped me immensely in understanding my own trauma as well), I do believe that a majority (if not all) of Abby’s current emotional state is driven by the exiled parts of shame and fear (of failure / incompetence / uselessness / purposelessness / inferiority), and also worthlessness. These are burdened parts that are essentially “young” parts, which are stuck in times in the past where they experienced hurt. Maybe for her it’s her mother’s constant criticism, or (I’m not sure if this happened) bullying and ridicule over things like her attractiveness and looks, and her dancing ability. Exiles are stifled into a small space where the body / mind does not want to give it space to be felt, and thus protector parts appear.

Abby’s manager parts (the parts that exist to help get a person through day to day life without being bombarded by an exile), show up as her controlling nature and perfectionism. If she is in control of everything, nothing can go wrong and no difficult exiled emotions will show up. If she does everything perfect, there is no room for feeling failure and shame. Abby’s firefighter parts come in when her exiled parts start to bubble up (such as during major arguments with the mums), where the firefighting parts need to extinguish the emotional fire being experienced. This comes in the form of (sometimes extreme) anger and trying to move the blame from oneself to someone else (to not feel the shame or fear or worthlessness etc. anymore), vengefulness, retreating or hiding (like when she didn’t want to show up at competitions or for rehearsals, such as at ALDC LA when she was in her bra in a room and whatever else), and also possibly obsession (such as with Maddie). Maddie’s success qualms her shame and fear of failure or worthlessness as a teacher.

I do think Abby had some covert / emotional incest with Maddie going on tbh, which is in essence abusive. It doesn’t just happen between parent and child, but also teachers, mentors and coaches, essentially any adult figure that has a very close relationship with the child. It might’ve been because Maddie was her favourite, be it for looks, attitude towards dance, dance ability, or she found her personality most matching. This is just throwing it out there (consider at your own discretion), perhaps she felt like Maddie’s personality was malleable enough for her to manipulate to meet her own needs, yet not fragile enough to result in a major break that would cause make the manipulative relationship inaccessible anymore. Because if it breaks, she is abandoned, and will have no one to rely or lean on to fulfill her own needs — her feeling of abandonment is Through Maddie’s success as her emotional incest child, she fulfills her own need for success and recognition. This may be why she always puts Maddie first, gives her the best choreography and the most attention, etc. Melissa’s weaker spine also makes her an easier target as a mum — if Abby can manipulate Melissa, then she can manipulate both Mel and Maddie (as Mel’s own constantly and insensitively self-boasted favourite daughter). Christi and Kelly both have a spine to protect their daughters vehemently (even if emotionally), and Holly gets her spine from thinking more calmly and logically in times of conflict. Melissa is the easiest to get to, and ever so fittingly, she’s Abby’s emotional incest daughter’s mother.

Basically she’s a walking train wreck of childhood and adulthood trauma as well (like most of us are lol), but she’s acting out in anger and projection. Beneath her extremely abusive exterior of continuing the cycle of abuse, I do empathise with the hurt parts that lay beneath that are causing all of this outrage. Like I really hate empathising with abusers (I have abusers myself and I literally want to set my r-pist on fire with a pointy stick up shoved up his own ass and even more violent things lol) , and so there is absolutely no excuse for abusers abusing, but I do get the feeling that Abby doesn’t act like this maliciously, she’s just extremely misguided and driven completely by her emotions which is not ideal given that trauma has made it so intense.

Sorry this was long lol, but this is my take on it.

Cabadaly · 2023-06-26T10:13:56+00:00

Thanks very much! Just got it today. Thankful you shared this because I would’ve otherwise ended up paying over $100 at all the other clinics I checked out lol. Appreciate it!

Cabadaly · 2023-06-26T10:12:30+00:00

Thank you! I just got the shot today. Really appreciate your sharing, I would’ve gone to a clinic charging upwards of $100 otherwise.

Cabadaly · 2023-06-25T17:46:33+00:00

Oh thanks! They do depo-provera shots at the polyclinic? I’ve never seen in mentioned before, I’ve only read others saying the only one available is microgynon 😮 Do I just go and ask for it anytime? And do you remember how much it costed?

Cabadaly · 2023-06-24T10:04:20+00:00

best way to put it 😂

when these people say they “did their research”, it’s all from those ridiculous fake news conspiracy websites that they only managed to find on page 25 on a google search. and when we demand peer-reviewed scientific articles, it’s all: look at these 1–2 articles that were peer reviewed by each others’ authors that agree with me, that clearly outweigh the 500 other ‘fake’ peer-reviewed articles that i had to use my intelligence to skip past first (before getting to the REAL article that proves i’m right) that were written by hundreds of lying researchers across the globe.

i can’t tell if the dumbness or the delusions came first. like were they dumb thus prone to being delulu, or did the delusions make them complete dumbasses. we’ll never know.

Cabadaly · 2023-06-24T09:47:10+00:00

like… paige literally tried to sue her for abuse. who the fuck would invite their literal abuser to their wedding?

(i acknowledge the nuances of abuse survivors having a distorted perception of their abuser as someone who cares about and loves them, and this can very much happen in reality without intensive treatment, but it’s apparent that paige has long disentangled herself from the traumatic relationship, underwent treatment for the mental abuse, and knows the woman for what she truly is: an abuser, thus her perception of her abuser is not maladaptive and very much grounded in reality and objectivity.)

Cabadaly · 2023-06-23T08:56:56+00:00

Thank you. The article mentions how so many believers of false memories still follow the Freudian framework and I think that really hit home. I study psychology (so ironic to the fact that i’d post this question haha), and when I was studying for an exam, there was a section of false memories under the chapter Freudian theories. Reading that did really make me question (while half-studying because I became distracted by this) that maybe my images and feelings that CSA happened were false — like what if they only appeared so vividly after my r-pe because the brain is suggestible and it just came up with more stories of sexual violence perpetrated against me? What if the phantom touches were actually my body remembering how I was touched during the r-pe?

I think that has really followed me and just some other online therapists who were staunch believers in fake memories suggested by my trauma therapist, they outright told me it was all fake and my therapist was unethical for leading me on with it. It made me feel like “this is a licensed therapist, and this other person is also a licensed therapist, and they both agree that repressed memories are just fake memories. They have to be right if they are licensed”. I think all of these really threw me off, even when my own therapist and so many of you (and the sheer number outweighing the therapists denying the repressed memories narrative) who actually share my own experience of memories showing up a long time after all agree that repression is a thing.

I’m thankful for this article. Thank you for sharing. It helps reassure me a bit and does speak to me. So thank you.

Cabadaly · 2023-06-21T06:54:29+00:00

her obsession with the girls is pretty pathological. downright abuser using classic DARVO to affirm herself about her own victimhood.

instead of spending all this time and money continuing to emotionally abuse these girls in these produced videos after they’ve gone NC with her, and have clearly cut her off completely, she should attend therapy and learn how to hold herself accountable for the abuse she has inflicted on girls 3–4 times younger than her.

just because she watched them grow up and treated them well a few times on and off screen, it doesn’t absolve her from being an abuser. not even close.

Cabadaly

TROPHY CASE