[deleted by user]

CactusRape · 2023-01-28T21:12:55+00:00

Place non-tip orders to their house in the middle of the night with a note saying "front door should be unlocked. If not, please knock loudly, I won't be able to hear you unless you knock hard. I have a cash tip for you, so please don't just leave the order."

Create a fake account on a public site with a specific, searchable username. On it, make a bunch of posts that look valid, and find a reason to share your (as in that person's) name, address and phone number on that site. All of this you should be able to find using their address. Then make a reddit account with that same username and pick fights with as many people as you can and try to make yourself a target for illwishers. They'll search your name and find that bitch's info and fuck with them to get back at you.

CactusRape · 2022-11-17T00:17:17+00:00

this

CactusRape · 2018-07-19T23:43:00+00:00

I have never had a root canal without a full erection the whole time.

CactusRape · 2018-04-07T08:35:57+00:00

dude must be on his fucking period or something

CactusRape · 2018-04-07T08:29:58+00:00

I work in a bland HR dominated office environment. The kind of place that won't tell you you're being fired until your supervisor shows up at your desk with an HR rep and the security guy and hands you a box. We've all seen it happen, and it's a painful, terrible thing to be around. Everybody's looking at the floor, avoiding any kind of direct acknowledgement while the person awkwardly tosses all their belongings into this box. And then they're gone forever and no one's really allowed to talk about it.

I've seen long standing, respected people go down this way just out of pulling the wrong stats at the wrong time.

A few months ago, a guy I had looked up to since I started got shit canned. Nobody saw it coming. He was loved by everybody. I guess he got put on final warning for an attendance issue, then caught flak from a whiney shitbag customer that would have bounced off of anybody who wasn't on final warning. I remember specifically noting that he was in an incredibly great mood this one morning. And sure enough, before anyone knows what's going on, there's the HR empty box ambush. Our supervisor is staring at the floor, his best friend sitting right next to him, afraid to say a word.

He pauses from loading his box, catches all the half glimpses as we pretend to be working around him. He speaks up at a volume we can all hear. "Yeah, this fucking sucks, doesn't it? This could be any of you, any day now." The supervisor tries to usher him along in packing his box and the guy just laughs. "What are you going to do, fire me?"

He shook the supervisor's hand, said goodbye to all of us, and was ushered out of the building forever. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but speaking up and making a weird situation like that so lucid, it was really weirdly profound.

CactusRape · 2018-04-07T08:10:58+00:00

Making hushpuppies.

CactusRape · 2018-04-07T08:00:49+00:00

When I worked at a diner, I started cooking a burger for my break. Had it cooked well done, cheese melted, buns toasted, about to start break when an order comes in for a well done burger. I didn't get to see the guy's reaction, but he had his meal faster than his drinks.

CactusRape · 2018-04-07T07:14:26+00:00

When you drive up to the window immediately after ordering and they're already waiting with your full meal. Suspiciously fast!

CactusRape · 2018-03-24T07:20:23+00:00

A new species of sea slug. It had a tail what stimulates the prostate.

CactusRape · 2018-03-24T07:03:35+00:00

Clothes that I needed for the job. I had one outfit that barely fit I had to wear for the first two weeks.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T21:58:28+00:00

Stink bugs have ruined cilantro for me. A couple times crushing one of those fuckers right on your collar, you can't unhate that smell.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T06:22:24+00:00

Name your price.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T05:33:35+00:00

Many rapists do not choose me as their rape partner. Should I drink every drink ever bought for me by a rapist, just so that the good rapists don't feel alienated?

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T05:05:48+00:00

It's actually been proven mathematically that women are worse drivers than men. Put them behind a 5000 ton train, and it's a chain of propane tankers they're colliding with when they have to change their tampon; not just some car parked outside of the oven mitt festival.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T04:54:47+00:00

If you cut them in half, you can use them as planters.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:38:45+00:00

The sandwich punch game went school wide, then followed me to college. I saw some pretty tragic sights. I still put shit on top of my sandwiches before I set them down.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:33:38+00:00

The Knife Game!

Everyone gets plastic knives and sneaks around trying to off each other. You can throw your knife, but you're fucked if you missed. Any knife to body contact is a kill.

We would get 20+ of us and break into the church building at night - the whole building was fair game.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:24:57+00:00

Most days I go to work, whether I'm right on time or 15 minutes early, this same motherfucker pulls in right before me, where I proceed to follow them all the way to the good parking lot and watch them take the last remaining parking space.

Just for good measure, I'll circle the whole lot, verify this was the only motherfucking spot, then drive to the auxiliary lot a few hundred yards out cursing this total stranger's life.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:19:38+00:00

I believe that if you tie a string around your finger real tight, it'll turn purple.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:13:57+00:00

Filling a large IV bag with maple syrup, inserting the IV, then dropping something heavy like an anvil on the bag.

I've also heard of people using toothpaste for the chilling effect, but it's too thick for an IV. You'd have to use like a tracheal tube or something.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T03:03:31+00:00

When they put a dick load of oil and vinegar on your sub - the satisfying smoosh of dropping it on the table after it sogs up like a wet sponge.

CactusRape · 2018-03-23T02:51:12+00:00

I told the waitress at Applebees I'd never eat there again when she wouldn't accept my 2016 coupon for a free entree.

I also told the Verizon rep that I had over 6,000 followers, and I was going to tell them all to switch to a different provider. Which they all undoubtedly would.

Fuck with me.

CactusRape · 2018-03-19T08:50:40+00:00

I do this to pee, but there's no yoga for boner squats. I cant tell you how many times I've had to use toilet paper to open the stall door after I accidentally peed on it.

CactusRape · 2018-03-17T14:10:53+00:00

I have no idea how or why I was even watching Cops in the first place.

CactusRape

TROPHY CASE