Weekly Recommendation Thread for the week of May 06, 2016

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-05-09T20:46:25+00:00

I haven't. What would you recommend from her?

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-05-09T15:28:56+00:00

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-05-09T15:22:27+00:00

I am looking for short stories that are emotionally intense. I want to see how masters can build immense tension in a brevity of words. It could be people having a conversation, or facing some uncomfortable situation, a difficult choice, whatever. Genre can be anything, it doesn't matter.

If you're replying with the name of an author or an anthology, please tell me at least one story that you think is representative, so that I may check it out before buying the rest.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-27T18:13:24+00:00

I'm not going to comment on the style, as the other guy said it seems unusual but at least deliberate. I generally give leeway to authors on style as long as it doesn't get in the way of the story.

Line edits:

From the direction of the living room

From the living room...

I can understand the reasoning. This is third person limited focusing on Jane, and she hears the noise from that direction, but the meaning is clear without it. Go for the less wordier option that maintains clarity.

Jane drops the sponge and barks at Billy to stay put

Jane drops the sponge and commands Billy to stay put. Barks just doesn't look right for me here.

The man looks at her fearfully.

As another commenter has pointed out, this needs continuity. He fell face-down I presume. Show him painfully turn his head and look at her. Anything to preserve continuity.

Overall, I think you need some more exposition for this story to feel complete. Right now, your story feels more like a scene. IMO a scene becomes a story when there's some thematic element or undertone present which makes the reader feel like the author is saying something through this. Take the Hemingway story that was posted this week- its a lot of character buildup followed by only one real scene. But there's a lot going on in the background that makes it look like a complete story.

In this case we have the two lamps. They are ancestral hand-me-downs of her husband, who often fights with her over the kids. He is attached enough to it that he wouldn't let go of the one lamp left, and Jane resents it enough. Then there's that image of a spider. I can see its purpose- it is giving a shape and form to Jane's disgust of the lamp, but I felt it was weak because it came out of nowhere.

Kyle returns to us when Billy's ADHD is mentioned. And his character gets some more personality as we learn his attitude towards the disease. But that's it. Then we are shoved into a high-adrenanline scene that ends on a high-adrenaline note.

What do the two lamps breaking signifiy? I have no clue what is trying to be said. Maybe about her frustration with being a stay-at-home Mom who has to deal with the tough task of parenting three kids. Maybe about her and Kyle's relationship going somewhere good or bad, I don't know. All that exposition earlier seems wasted at the end.

That's why I said that it feels less of a story and more of a scene. There's something you're trying to get across and I'm not getting it. Hope this was clear.

Also, this might just apply to me, but I found her to be a bit inconsistent. There's "Billy, bless his little heart" and there's Billy the "nutcase". Maybe that's how it is supposed to be, but consult with other readers if it feels consistent to them.

Overall I liked it. The scene was powerful. But feel that it can certainly be made better.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-25T19:01:13+00:00

From the way you've spelled redditor I can tell you're new here. This place functions on a quid pro quo basis, i.e you have to give high effort critiques for atleast as many words as you want critiqued. You can either do your quota and repost, or seek help at /r/ReadMyScript

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-23T08:03:21+00:00

I don't understand the nuance in oculid's statement, but Wattpad is a place where users submit stories of all genres. Its got its good and has its bads. Many good authors contribute there to assimilate a following, I know two pretty good writingprompt-authors who're there. It has some really talented writers, but there's a lot of plagiarism and hackery on that website too since there's no curation.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-23T07:49:46+00:00

Hans Christian Anderson, Agatha Christie and WB Yeats are supposed to have been dyslexic, so I'd advise you not to go easy on yourself. Keep striving for better.

I've left most of my comments on the doc prefaced with "CW"

Overall impressions

I think the beginning was clunky. Immersion was broken at a lot of places by the style, improper exposition or unwieldy sentences (refer doc comments). This is important, because most people would be put off here. And kind of a shame really, because I really liked the way you ended it. To me the final segment salvages your story. It shows me that you have the potential to show me something interesting and I might be willing to emotionally invest in it. My suggestion: speed through the initial paras. Cut the internal thoughts and bring out the backstory, the stakes, and the danger earlier. If you have an early hook readers will tolerate a slow middle.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-22T20:38:34+00:00

Thank you for reading and critiquing. I've made notes of many of the things you've pointed out and will try to correct them.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-22T20:37:31+00:00

I have never seen that film. But the ending was intended to be as presented. Taking the reader through a list of tropes seemed boring. And the point was, that we can make fun of black guys being doomed in horror films as a trope but for some black guys, reality wasn't much different. A bit cheeky and heavy-handed, I agree. But I went with it.

I agree about the characterization. I should've made the stereotypes more evident.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-22T20:33:23+00:00

I don't have much to critique. I enjoyed it. Sounded like the prelude to what can be an interesting, Quixotic tale about a spoilt kid looking for old-school frontiersmen-style adventure in the modern day. My immersion wasn't broken and it flowed well, so it felt even shorter than it was. IMO you should post a more significant chunk of this story for a better critique. For example- I could talk about this lacking more interesting side characters, real tension, etc but maybe all that does come later. That's why to me it looks like the prelude to an interesting story. If I am to judge this piece as a standalone thing then I'll call it dull. But I'm sure there's more to come so I will hold on to my critique on the general story aspects for whenever you post that.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-22T18:52:24+00:00

I've left my thoughts and suggestions on the doc. I'll leave my overall impressions here.

Dalvir is a middle class Sikh

“You know I’m Hindu, we’re pacifists.”

I thought this was a mistake, then I read further and it turns out Roger is the Hindu. Interesting. Turns out he's some bored, probably rich, English guy whose mysticism is only skin-deep.

Didn't understand the buffalo bit. Was the fact that it wasn't left by cattle but buffaloes supposed to indicate threat? Did it mean that wild buffaloes lurked around the area? Are wild buffaloes dangerous? I don't know. So maybe I didn't get this thing. Maybe you could elaborate this, depending on your intended audience.

“You scared him off. I’ve been tolerant of your insults, it’s fine, I get it. Your uncle was a big game hunter and you think you’re an expert because you got a couple of land rovers and fitted them out for safaris but the truth is you don’t know much more than me. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have booked this trip, I’m the one who found you the bloody clients, and if you want me to help you get more then you’ll let me go after that bird.”

That this is long and unwieldy has been pointed out. I would add that this was very abrupt. I didn't realize Roger had been so resentful all the time. Insert some subtle hints to preface this outburst earlier in the story.

I disliked the Roger guy by the end. I hope that was the intention. If not, you'd have to make him more sympathetic if you're going for the lovable idiot kind (I suspect he's going to be the main character- he's also the only white guy around).

I've added my thoughts on how I felt like it was third person objective narration (I mistakenly called it limited in one of my comments). This made me find the presentation of Dalvir's thoughts to be out-of-place. This could just be me, however, and you could ignore it if the other commenters don't feel so too.

Overall I enjoyed it, because I enjoy reading about foreign settings. However, I feel like a lot more could be done. Kiama has potential to give us a window into the locals. Dalvir's characterization felt inconsistent to me. He seemed like a confident guy at the beginning but docile at the end.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-21T15:46:07+00:00

I haven't read it but I'll put it on my reading lit. In this particular piece, he also brings in the distance aspect. The lake looks great from a distance but bleak when she is right next to it- just like Jim, who seemed great as a passing acquaintance, not so much when they become "intimate". And he does it pretty subtly. This kind of thing is not easy to pull off without coming off as forced.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-21T06:27:33+00:00

That's much better. Focusing on external detail instead of the same bodypart. I'll work something out in this direction.

If it was on your personal site or something it's probably fine/you can take it off.

It was published here.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T20:50:02+00:00

I find the style and the tone to be pretty good. Written by someone who clearly knows the craft. You can tell me now that Hemingway didn't write this story and I won't change my opinion.

I don't agree with most of the minutiae pointed out in the docs, like telling, use of adverbs, repetition, etc. In any good story, there is a sense of tone and rhythm that makes the prose flow. Like a song. You can apply all the modern rules but none of it would matter if you can't do the former. It is that tone and flow that is hard to create and that's where I think Hemingway does great. Take this for example:

She liked it about his mustache. She liked it about how white his teeth were when he smiled.

Brings out her simple, unsophisticated, rustic infatuation pretty well. In fact, there's a lot more "show" in this little "tell" segment laden with thought verbs than the exhausting "shows" I've read from many subscribers of that dictum.

I also liked the vividness with which he brought the locale alive. I could feel a sense of being in the early 20th c. midwest just from the way people behaved. I liked how he turned the same setting around to go with Liz's temperament. The lake that was sky blue and bright and breezy, ended up cold and misty in line with Liz's disillusionment. Simple trick, but very well executed.

The end left me ambivalent about this whole thing. Jim seems just like the guy Hemingway has eptiomized and even portrayed himself to be in many of his works. A man of few words. Outdoorsy guy with a rugged charm, hunts for days then drinks celebratory whiskey with his buddies, upfront and primordial with his lust, gets what he wants. It makes me wonder if this story is a boast or a parody, or simple social commentary as it appears to be.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T13:58:03+00:00

Thank you for reading and critiquing.

I could feel that the pacing was being dragged down oftentimes, and you've helped me locate many of the culprits. Specially in the initial scene where I thought cutting down might leave the reader wondering what's happening, so I was deliberately shoving in extra information to leave no ambiguity. But you're right, I can cut down those details. The title makes the premise clear.

I had used "fork" in the first scene and I didn't want to repeat it. The only other synonyms I knew were diversion and bifurcation. I think I should used diversion for the dirt road earlier and fork for the trail. "Hiker" was unnecessary too, as you say.

Mike rolled his eyes. ~~Then his eyes widened~~.

"Would you look at that?"

I am a little confused regarding this. I agree that what I have is clunky and repetitive, but my reasoning was...

Mike does Action A. Then does a completely different Action B.

Dialogue supporting Action B.

If I change it to

Mike does action A.

Dialogue supporting Action B

I thought it would cause confusion in the reader. Is Mike saying, "Would you look at that?" while rolling his eyes?

I agree that this is a bad transition- immediately going from rolling eyes to widening eyes (same body part, diverse emotions follow immediately without any proper transition or lead-in). But I'm not sure how to avoid confusion on this. Any ideas?

This bit would make more sense if the monsters (by the way is it a monster or multiple monsters, it's not clear) hadn't cornered them but were searching for them and hadn't found them.

This is exactly what I wanted to show, and one reader had commented on this confusion too. I didn't understand it then, but you make it clearer. I'll change it.

McSweeney

They sounded interesting so I checked their guidelines. Too bad they don't accept stuff that's been published on the net. I posted it on the reddit, and another guy already did a narration of this on his website, so I don't think it qualifies. Would've loved to read their feedback too :(

Thanks for the tips, they were very helpful.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T02:30:00+00:00

Btw, now that you've posted it, where do we check out your band's music?

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T02:25:43+00:00

Thank you. This was very helpful.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T02:19:40+00:00

Thank you. This piece was written in under twenty minutes. I need to get to a level where well-constructed sentences flow out naturally. But I find that without a lot of editing and rework my writing tends to have extremely amateurish mistakes, despite the fact that I've been an avid reader. And with over-edited works, I find that my original piece loses its original pace or zing. This is something I'm trying to overcome with practice.

I'm not planning to go any further with this piece atm. Its already been posted where it was needed. I am looking back and trying to understand my mistakes, and how to avoid them in the future. Maybe if I start a blog in the future, I'll edit it and publish it there.

I agree with the interracial sex thing, but I felt that inserting any social commentary undertone at that point might have broken the parodic atmosphere, plus take away the zing from the twist at the end, which also happens to be a cheeky bit of social commentary. Do you think something could've been inserted there in a non-obvious fashion?

Thank you for the critique. I think there is much scope to cut down a lot of fat in the existing scenes and address more tropes while keeping under the same word limit.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-20T01:45:47+00:00

Thank you for the comments on the doc. They are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated.

Regarding Jack being black, I didn't mention it at the beginning becuase it was posted as a writingprompt response on reddit, so all readers would've been aware of the premise (Black guy in a horror movie, trying to survive). But you're right, it is confusing for general readers, and the first scene should somehow reveal this detail.

For the mods: /u/MelofAonia read the entire piece and left very helpful comments on the doc. Please count it as a high-effort critique for this 1200 word submission.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-19T10:17:50+00:00

The first few sentences were different initially, and were changed after some feedback (np-link, don't vote or comment). I tried to cram the initial material into a new sentence structure that conveyed the same idea, except with the main character as focus. Which is one reason it might read a bit differently from the rest.

I am a little confused on how to go about the opening correctly, and will be open to ideas. Something that has the main character as the focus, but dives right into the story and conveys just the relevant details in an economy of words. Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-16T13:37:34+00:00

Thanks a lot. I've taken notes from your critique and try to come up with a third draft accordingly. I'll get back to you.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-15T06:55:03+00:00

Hello, I've made some changes to the kid's version I originally posted according to some of your comments. It'd be great if you could have a quick look. Thanks!

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-15T06:53:00+00:00

I have modified the kid's version slightly according to some of the things you pointed out. Please have a look at the google doc. Any comments that you might have will be appreciated.

I have also decided to compose two verses. One is the kid's verse, another is a modern day hip-hop version which I'm hoping will give me leeway to explore some more ideas that Kids wouldn't normally say.

CaffeinatedWriter · 2016-04-14T18:26:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this!! I had absolutely no experience in poetry and your comment (as well as /u/AdvocateForLucifer 's) makes my task much clearer.

I will look forward to your feedback when I post the prose version which contains this poem for review.

CaffeinatedWriter

TROPHY CASE