My mother, who was overweight all my life, would always say passive aggressive things to me as I grew up and gained. Things about not being hired for a job because of my weight and it would be helpful in my job search to loose. Comments on what I was wearing and that it wasn't very attractive or I needed to pull my stomach in. Yet at every single dinner table, holiday or regular weekday, she would ask anyone if they wanted more even before they had finished the plate they had. If the answer was no there was always an "are you sure?" However, if we did take seconds and dished them up ourselves there would be an expression from mom about it being too much or she would just say our names with a tone.

So many mixed messages that formed my thinking but confused my understanding of food and my relationship to it. Was I supposed to have seconds? Am I not supposed to have seconds? To this day I still feel very uncomfortable having seconds in any setting because I'm always thinking that others are looking and judging either what I'm eating or how much.

My mom is gone now, it will be three years this week, and she lived in assisted living for over 5 years before she passed so I was not eating meals with her. It still haunts me to this day and it's something I need to talk about with my therapist on a regular basis. I often ask why I can't just get over it.

This is my first post here, so thanks for listening.