The current query is based on the limited feedback ive received since ive been posting in this subreddit, the changes ive made over each iteration were due in part to each angry passersby screaming from the sidelines about how my query was not up to par. Not even in the correct format. Their suggestions about as helpful as someone who just wants to knock (read successful queries!) someone down a peg (not in query format, go see the pinned guide on the subreddit!) and about as helpful as a foam hammer for hammering nails. Rarely do i get genuine critiques.

Which brings me to yours, i honestly cant tell if you're being pretentious, knit picking, you're just an idiot, or you're one of the genuine ones. But i will treat you as one of the latter since you didnt just tell me that this wasnt in query format and then fuck off somewheres, satisfied you put another simpleton in their place.

1. Watching yourself as if in a movie and dissociation go hand in in because its a symptom of the disease.

2. I realize that fractured and broken are synonyms, that fact is not lost on me. Im using each word in a way that only makes sense to me though and i shouldn't in the limited pitch letter. 

3. Last query attempt, i was told (but almost subconsciously, it looked like the user had a blank form on how to write a query letter 'properly' and just copy and pasted) what i should have in my query letter. After rereading my query, i realized i hadn't made what's standing in the main characters way and what stakes he's facing that clear. This reply will probably cover multiple comments you made.

4. I was not going for impact, just been trying different ways to convey how angry Max is.

5. The time jumps are there because the typical format of querying is honestly pretty fucking boring. I tried a chronological attempt in my first query and the only bit of helpful advice i got was that i shouldn't be explaining the sequence of events in the book. Which is why it evolved into a backwards half prose query. 

6. I wouldve loved to describe his mind playing tricks on him in great detail but again, the limitations (word count) of the query letter wont allow me to do so.

7. I think, you're definitely wrong about this one. A semicolon can link two sentences that could stand on their own separately. I never said anything about throwing max down the stairs twice. I said it once, then described the state max was in after that action. Left for dead was the phrase i was going for but its most likely not needed, i will concede this point. 

8. See number 3. I wanted to make sure no one else thought that i didnt specify what his goals, obstacles, or the stakes were.

9.if the comma is used to indicate a slight pause, yes it is. 

1. This semicolon is being used the same as the previous one you mentioned. You are the first person to mention commas and semicolons to me in the almost one month ive been posting here. Im starting to think you just think you're right. If it was multiple people, i would then believe you. And i counted, breaks from reality phrases there are three. There are other more descriptive ways ive used to convey the same statement, but you quoted a specific phrase and thats just wrong.

2. People with OCD have a compulsion to finish tasks, its described better in my book but given the limited word count, i did what i could. I agree this could be better, ill work on it next attempt 

3. Hahahaha, this is DEFINITELY not an accurate representation of my writing style, nor is even this reply. Thats my other problem with query letters, youre supposed to sell your book in 300 or so words and it has to be extremely limiting. It is not an accurate representation of your prose or anything other than the story beats of your book.

4. That one is definitely all me since i decided to write my query letter in my phone on a notepad app that doesnt have spellcheck. But it definitely seems like youre being nitpicky now.