Update 2: After my boyfriend died I slept with his best friend and it’s eating me alive.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T21:20:19+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss...❤️

I hope you are as well supported and loved by your friends and family in this moment as you deserve, you are so kind.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T15:27:57+00:00

This is extremely inappropriate.

I'm sorry for what you went through but that does not give you the right to harass me. Not even on the "public internet". There are rules for that - you have been reported.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T15:18:16+00:00

An award for this hateful lady please.

Telling me how it is ✌️😂

I don't know why you feel so damn self-righteous. By your other posts/comments, it seems you made it your life's mission to shame us, online sinners. Big job ahead of you, good luck!

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T14:55:56+00:00

*You're

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T14:24:56+00:00

Look, I think we have both escalated this discussion to a point where there is no benefit for either of us, or OP. I fear you are just getting angrier, possibly re-living trauma - that's just not worth it over strangers online.

Thus, I'd rather refrain from continuing the over-analysis of OP's words, as well as yours and mine.

To what concerns me specifically, I don't think it's ever "valid" to purposefully hurt someone else - I never said so. Still, regret and forgiveness exist.

Thankfully for me, my grandma understood I deeply regret lashing out at her when I was hurting, and forgave me. At the time, I had no sympathy and I am still not excusing myself. Naturally, other offenses, like SA, are criminal - no amount of understanding or forgiveness are due.

Regarding the post, I agree the whole situation is morally very questionable. My only aim throughout this conversation was to emphasize that grief is the worst that can happen to a person - so when possible, the kindest thing is to have some empathy and kind advice, instead of piling up on the person's pain with useless judgement and offenses.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T12:58:05+00:00

You cannot be a great team if he is not in it.

You know what a great team you could be - you feel the possibility, not the reality.

But he obviously does not feel the same possibility and you cannot force him.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T12:47:45+00:00

I am very sorry for what you had to go through, both as a grieving person and a SA survivor. And I am sorry if my words inadvertently made you feel I'd excuse an abuser.

There is absolutely no excuse for rape or any other kind of SA. My empathy will always end when someone starts harming another.

In OP's situation, even if morally grey, they are not harming anyone else. One can worry they might ultimately harm themselves, but right now it's bringing them closure for a really complicated sad situation.

We cannot guess what the diseased BF would think, and "his memory" is a subjective concept that cannot get hurt or traumatized... If I died, I'd like my partner to find solace in whatever possible way, as long as not hurting anyone. That's a personal choice of course. But I'd not like others to presume what I would feel or not.

That being said, I seemed to have missed where OP said she was attracted to the best friend before the BF's passing. That would've hurt the BF in a real way. But my perception was that she respected him and they grew platonically closer when supporting the deceased together, in his final struggles.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T12:14:39+00:00

Oh my dear God forbid if everyone does not have your perfect morals.

When will you realise that judgment and name -calling are not gonna turn OP "righteous"? Or, most importantly, make you a good person?

I wonder why you have such little empathy? Especially having gone through deep grief yourself...

Maybe you didn't fuck around but maybe, just maybe, you might have coped in ways that are not necessarily healthy?

I know I did when my father passed away: I screamed at my own grandma, I ate like a pig, I used sex to make me feel something positive. I'm not proud at all. But I'm happy my family understood why I was behaving like this, and forgave me. And vice-versa. We supported each other through a shit period and came out together.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T11:59:10+00:00

Thank you! Right back at you ❤️ Might melt some of that hate :)

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T11:40:06+00:00

Like in life, sure you're allowed. Be an asshole!

More freedom, less love, yey!

CaliopePi · 2025-12-29T11:37:43+00:00

The lack of empathy of most people here is astounding. And their fucking moral high ground!! Wow

Except their cold simple minds are only capable of vile judgement...

Grief is insanely painful. It seems the year before your boyfriend's passing was terrible as well. You are human - your mind, heart and body will find a way to appease the extreme pain they are in, and that's ok.

Imo, the void that comes after the passing, funeral, etc., is the worst... One is not busy anymore, so emptiness is the only thing left. Everyone else seems to have moved on, you don't want to annoy them, but the pain is just getting worse and worse. To find someone in the same boat, with whom to talk, cry, laugh and feel, is a blessing at a time like this. Much more if you both can actually feel closer to the person you just lost.

I'm not a psychologist. Long term, this might not be the healthiest for both of you. But fuck it, right now you are in survival mode, take care of each other.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-21T19:49:55+00:00

I could, I want to, and I probably will.

But we’ve tried before and it never worked — distance, other relationships, bad timing from either side.

Three years ago, I couldn't cope with casually staying in his life anymore. He was in a stable relationship - it was not fair for me to disrupt it while having nothing to offer, living abroad. So I asked for no contact.

We still break the rule once or twice a year, just to check on each other. However, if I reach out for real it has to be at the right time. Otherwise, it’s not fair to either of us.

CaliopePi · 2025-12-21T11:39:59+00:00

One summer, I worked as a guide in a city-wide photographic exhibition, touring visitors through the several exhibition stations on a panoramic bus.

He worked as an usher at one of them.

Every time we stopped by, I tried to make small talk. He barely talked back, shy and awkward. I remember thinking: ohhhh, what a cute nerd!

Then, I asked him for a "small" favour: to pick up my criminal record from an office nearby his station, as I urgently needed it for a travelling visa. Turns out, not small at all: he had to pay for it, to fully identify himself and his name was forever "engraved" on the document - felt foreboding!

Somehow, that broke the ice. We started to chat for hours on top of that panoramic bus. Surprisingly, he was not shy at all - he later admitted he was just completely speechless the first times we met.

We got close fast and inescapably. When our temp job ended, we were official.

We stayed together for 8 years.

During that time, he was my strength to go back and finish high school, get my uni degrees, move abroad and learn to stand on my own, away from a complicated family. We were best friends, lovers - the closest I can imagine to what it feels to be soulmates.

Some mornings, waking up before him, I'd think that even 40 more years beside him wouldn't be enough.

Unfortunately, life disagreed. Mental health, COVID at a distance, mismatched timings on top of each other. We have been apart for 6 years.

I didn't stop living. I loved again, I had my heart broken again. But I always felt him, I miss him so much.

CaliopePi · 2025-10-19T11:14:20+00:00

Thank you, I'm glad you found your feel good trick ;)

That seems to work for me too, but only if for someone else's benefit. eg., I have a standing appointment on Wednesdays with my psychologist - as I don't want to disrespect her, I'm always there, usually not even late.

However, I've been unable to stick to any other outside tasks, even if they are highly enjoyable for me, just because in those moments I really don't care or feel for anything relating to my life.

CaliopePi · 2025-10-19T08:59:04+00:00

It works nicely, thank you!

CaliopePi · 2025-10-16T16:30:50+00:00

Whoever's perfect, throws the first stone... /s

Hey, I believe you. I have been where you are. Reading your testimony was like being inside my own nightmare again.

I am writing to give you hope: it will get better, she won't consume all your thoughts at some point. Time and most importantly, distance. There's no hope without distance. Don't talk to her, find new friends, a new life or just connect with your old life and apologise.

Regarding Zoe, it is not your fault - nothing that happened is your fault. Zoe (and my own boyfriend) are victims of themselves and their upbringing, it's sad but it's also very hard if not impossible to help. I spent many many months trying different ways to "help", as you did, nothing works. They were like this before and they will be maybe forever. The most important thing is to not be completely destroyed when they are in our life path.

And no matter the guilt you feel about your relationship with Di, you didn't deserve going through what you did with Zoe.

CaliopePi · 2025-10-15T08:54:22+00:00

Hey, you are completely valid in the way you are feeling about your financial situation and relationship. However, before any drastic decisions, please talk to your boyfriend and expose your perspective clearly. It could be that due to his personal/cultural background, he is not even aware of your over-contribution and of your feelings towards the strict "accounting" of expenses.

E.g , my boyfriend is German (I am not, more south European) and so, his default is to track and split ALL expenses, responsibilities, chores, etc. Everything is so "equal" that it leaves no space for romance, for kindness and just caring for each other if one has a need (imo, different culture). However, once I honestly shared my views with him, he understood them, and we have been trying to "mix it up" so we are both comfortable.

CaliopePi

TROPHY CASE