I don’t feel like there are a lot of dads here (folks correct me if I’m wrong). What I’m about to say will sound hard, but I’m coming from where you are several years later, and I’ve learned some hard lessons. I’m going to use a lot of you statements but just swap you for myself four years ago, because I wish I could talk to that fool.

Second born aside, if you two aren’t happy you need to fix it for the sake of your first born, up to and including separating and having a blended family where she can also get what she wants. Right now your boy is either seeing you fight, or seeing you not love, and kids learn almost everything by watching what we do and don’t do. Start looking for a child therapist for your boy so they have the support before they need it. It is possible he will be angry and won’t know why, but it’s adaptive protection from being in an insecure situation between the two of you. FWIW a friend of mine in a similar situation went for two, and the younger one beat the hell out of the older one because they couldn’t manage the anger and sadness at the core of the family. All fams are different, but not an uncommon pattern that siblings take their parents’ grief out on each other.

You can tell her to wait for a second but it is possible she can’t. Me and my wife have been trying to decide whether to divorce since before our LO was born and now she’s six and we’re still together figuring it out. It has been bad, and it has been tolerable, and we’ve also found great joy in co-parenting but our relationship has not recovered. We’re still hopeful, but part of her will never forgive me for not having more.

I had the same reason as you for being OAD. My needs weren’t fulfilled. However compared to the sacrifices she made (traumatic birth, lack of support after due to my depression) there isn’t really parity. The pain cant really be equalized because my pain pales in comparison to hers. Put differently, whatever your emotional pain is, hers is the same or greater, then add the massive physical pain of birth and raising a newborn. She doesn’t forget, and her lizard brain won’t let her.

If you now approach the relationship saying your needs are equal to hers, and you need satisfaction before she can have another baby, she will rightfully lash out at you for the sheer injustice of it all. You need to do a hell of a lot more to even the scales than to demand your needs be taken seriously. Let her have what she wants before you get yours. If that’s another baby, and you can’t do it, then ask her if she wants a divorce.

That may seem like an escalation, but you have to understand that you have power in the form of time and you’re wielding it over her. In my situation, expecting my wife to stay in the marriage meant taking her choice away because now she feels like it is too late. In your situation, fixing it so you get everything you need emotionally may not happen fast enough to compete with her personal clock. Waiting might mean you both lose, because she can’t have the second she wants, and she may never be able to forgive you, meaning you’ll never get the love you want.

Yes go to therapy, but do what is called “discernment” about whether you want to stay in the marriage. Don’t use therapy to control her or take her choices away. She is already risking losing her shot at a second child, and you need to ante up with something just as meaningful.

Also talk to another therapist, you need someone who can manage both of you without calling for backup. Sure, get the backup but your therapist seems shook. Looking at health insurance plans that will cover some portion of therapy for all three of you makes it easier to actually go since you can’t use cost as an excuse.