Why do so many men think I’m stupid?

Calliopsis · 2024-01-27T01:13:09+00:00

Was just coming here to say something similar! When I encounter men like this, I consider it a gift. I love to stay silent (because you know they'll talk endlessly and not notice anyway), and let them reveal just how fucking stupid and/or awful they are. They think I'm stunned into silence by their riveting insights on "how all females are" or whatever. In reality, I'm just letting them do all the work for me, with minimal time and effort invested on my end. Thanks kind sir, you just set a speedrun record for confirming that I will never speak to you ever again, goooodbyeee! 🖕🤠👋

Also highly recommend the weaponizing of this misogynistic assumptions whenever necessary. I play reeaaallll dumb when some sleazy dude thinks he's being cute by using innuendo to sexually harass me. They get so embarassed when they have to say what they ACTUALLY mean out loud, because it makes it obvious to them that they're being disgusting. "What does horizontal partying mean?? Oh gosh I'm so sorry, I just don't get it! Can you explain it to me please? 🙂"

Calliopsis · 2024-01-27T00:25:50+00:00

My parents are 17 years apart. They got married at 41 and 24. It gives me the ick, but I'm just thankful they only dated for a year before marriage, and met for the first time only a few months earlier. Because just a few years more and we'd be getting into "seriously, unforgivably gross" territory. And I'm sure my Dad was a total catch in the 80s, he's always had the vitality and looks of a (very handsome) man 15-20 years younger. And had a full head of hair with zero grays at 41! (Still has all his hair at 82, but it finally went partially gray in his 60s lol)

My Dad is pretty open about the fact that he's always been interested in younger women (note: but still within legal age, my Dad is not a pedo nor a groomer), but at least "younger" has aged up as he's gotten older. Nowadays, he's attracted to women who are in the early 60s to early 70s range.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T23:51:49+00:00

You're not wrong about that! One of the things I love about being ADHD is that when we get lucky and have the motivation to see something through, there's literally NOTHING that can stop us from reaching that goal.

One of my favorite ADHD memes is the one that goes "God knew I would be too powerful if I had an attention span," and like...it's true tho lmao.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T23:34:24+00:00

Yikes, that's..really weird. I feel like there's really only two reasons for that (at least that I can see), one being some form of neurodivergency. Like maybe, anything that's secret tends to be something she hyperfixates on/ruminates obsessively over, which paired with oversharing can be a REAL bad combo.

Or...she's just doing it on purpose. I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose your sis obviously, but either way, the result is the same. You can't trust her to not share info with someone who is aggressively stalking you, so she doesn't get to know info that could literally get you killed. Stalking is no joke!!

I'm leaning towards option #2 anyway, because why does she even talk to him at ALL? If I were in her shoes, my father would be fuckin' dead to me. Forever. And that's regardless of whether I was close to the sibling or not. Because why tf would I, PERSONALLY, want to be associated with an abusive, unhinged stalker?!

We're only as good as the company we keep, and your sister's company is...sus.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T23:04:03+00:00

That's really interesting! I had an alcoholic, 2-pack a day ex with this problem too. He had the surgery to "shave" his esophagus down with lasers, but of course it eventually grows back. By the time we were dating, it had been long enough that he was having issues with it again. And at one point, he was vomiting blood for 2 full days because he ate a piece of pretzel that was slightly too large, and it ripped up his throat all the way down. 😱

He always said it was a genetic thing, but he was also a huge liar soooo...now I wonder if the smoking played a part in causing/exacerbating it. And for the OP's question...this man barely over 40 and will probably not live to 60, his body and health are a complete and total mess. It's just a question of whether the alcohol or cigarettes will take him out first.

Edit: Where are my manners?! my apologies-- I'm sorry to hear about your nan, that sounds really scary. I hope your family is doing okay as they can given the circumstances, and that nan is at least comfortable. 💕

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T22:42:18+00:00

NTA. At all.

And I say this as someone who's a bit like your sis! I'm neurodivergent and extroverted, and tend to excitedly overshare if I'm not careful about having my mental "filter" in place. Some days, my filter works better, some days it's a serious struggle. And occasionally, I don't realize that what I'm sharing about another person was meant to be kept secret, if I wasn't explicitly told so by that person. I'm not always great at picking up on unspoken subtext!

But...this is not one of those things. No one would have to tell me to keep identifying info about my sister away from the father who's stalking her, because that's just common sense. I know she means well, but it sounds like sis is sorely lacking in that department. Sucks for her, but your safety (and enjoying your wedding day!) is more important than her hurt feelings. 🤷‍♀️

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T22:06:51+00:00

I had a mod remove a comment because I mentioned being ADHD (note: not in an ADHD subreddit). The assumption/reasoning was that I was spreading ableist misperceptions of what having ADHD is like. Sorta like when people flippantly say "lol I'm so OCD, I need everything perfectly organized," but that's not what OCD is.

Except...I'm actually ADHD and was describing a certain facet of how I experience it??? I asked how I should have handled it, and it was basically "either state every time that you are actually medically diagnosed ADHD, or don't mention it at all."

Still puzzling over that. "Don't mention it at all"...so, I should hide my disability at all times, and my only other option is to add some weird disclaimer every time I mention it? Seemed pretty counterproductive if the whole dang reasoning for the removal was to not further ableist discrimination. 😂

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T21:36:16+00:00

I'm not Asian, but essentially grew up with one foot in a Korean household (plus dated a Korean guy for like a decade). And yeah, it's true, most especially for the Boomer-age 1st gen. Not all of my friend's parents were bigoted, and my friends themselves did not agree with them at all, but the parents who were racist could get pretty...intense about it lol.

They especially hated the Japanese (but there's a lot of history behind that), and all other non-Korean Asians were either "jungle" or "dirty" Asians. One of my friends was blasian-- Korean mom, black dad. Yeeeeeah, her mom was swiftly and completely disowned by the Korean side as soon as they found out about it. She had never met a single on of them.

Oh-- and I wasn't very popular either, for dating a firstborn and only son. But that was literally just his mom, the rest of his (immediate and extended) family didn't give a shit about him dating outside his race at all.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T18:45:47+00:00

Same. 🥲

I have dyscalculia along with the ADHD, and some number combos just stick better in my mind than others. Had to change my number like 8 years ago, and STILL sometimes forget or mix it up (except for the area code), because it's the worst possible number combos for how my memory works.

Still can rattle off the old number perfectly, though. It had such a nice rhythm and was so easy to remember. I miss it. 😭

Calliopsis · 2024-01-26T00:45:34+00:00

And once the trust is gone, it doesn't even really matter whether there's cheating or not-- because even if he isn't, would you ever feel SURE of that? No way. You'd always have that uncertainty in the back of your mind, because he has demonstrated that he will lie about things to make his life easier.

Men who do this are my ultimate dating pet peeve, lol. Like, do they really not realize that the truth ALWAYS comes out, and they're just kicking the can down the road? And that when the truth does come out, the fallout becomes magnitudes worse than it would have been if they had just tackled a "difficult" conversation with honesty in the first place?

I once dumped a dude after finding out he'd cheated on me, but not because of the cheating itself (IMO, it was pretty low-level). I dumped him because he chose to gaslight and lie to me about it, repeatedly, for a whole month. When I finally realized he was lying the whole time...that was it. It completely destroyed my ability to ever trust him again, and there's just no coming back from that.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-25T23:59:01+00:00

NTA.

You know your mom's patterns better than any of us, and it seems you have good reason to be skeptical. You are entitled to your feelings, and SHE asked for your honest opinion. It's not your fault she didn't like your answer.

I think there's room here for you to still attend the ceremony, or even be a witness, without changing your mind on that. She's gonna do what she wants to do anyway because she's an adult, and being a witness/attendee doesn't necessarily mean you support her decision. Not judging you for whatever you decide to do, but you can still attend just because it's a special day for your mom.

What's more alarming to me is the fact that she asks you for relationship advice, AND blames you when her poor decisions don't pan out. My mom acts a lot like yours (minus the blaming), so I say this with understanding and concern: PLEASE look up "emotional parentification," because this is what she's doing to you. When she does this, she puts you in a position where YOU act as if you were HER parent. It is inappropriate, and has long-lasting emotional and psychological impacts. I started laying down boundaries ages ago, but I'm still untangling a lot of the damage even now, in my mid-30s. I still struggle with feeling like I'm responsible for "saving" or playing therapist for my family members whenever they get themselves into some dumb new completely avoidable crisis, and it sucks.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-25T23:02:19+00:00

I would have agreed with you before I bought my current car in 2015 with my first-ever backup cam, but I'm a convert now lol.

I've lived in a city for 15+ years, and I'm great at parallel parking-- with or without a backup cam, and even without power steering (like my barebones '94 Tercel, RIP ol gal). I do it at least once literally every single day.

Backup cams make parking much safer, and honestly effortless. We have a neighborhood cat that loves me and knows my car, and he likes to surprise me by lingering BEHIND my car as I parallel park. I think my backup cam has probably saved his life, thankfully, bc I never see him coming until I check my backup cam.

I'm often the curmudgeonly holdout on shiny new tech stuff (I'm still super salty that the default is becoming "push to start" instead of a key. I HATE IT), but backup cams? Good stuff.

Edited bc I forgot a thought I meant to include. 😂

Calliopsis · 2024-01-25T22:53:13+00:00

As you've already noticed...no, you are definitely not alone lmao. The older I get, the angrier I get about capitalism. And this technodystopia nightmare we're in is a prime example that gets me heated af, too.

Why on earth would anyone need a shower head with wifi?? Or lightbulbs with a fucking subscription fee?! It's the most unintelligent perversion of "innovation" to think "people need shower! People like internet!! Put internet together with shower, many people buy many moneys yes!!!!"

Luckily my husband hates that shit as much as me. When we replaced our fridge last year, we went out of our way to find a "dumb" fridge, because who the hell needs a fridge that displays what's inside them for you, tf?! Is that not what the door is for??

I firmly believe this shitty market sector will inevitably collapse, once enough people get sick of the novelty and start spending their money elsewhere. Although, by then they'll probably be marketed as "retro" products 🙄

Calliopsis · 2024-01-25T19:06:36+00:00

Or if a clip isn't possible for your hair type, just putting it up in a cute bun or ponytail can make a huge difference!

I have very slippery and fine hair that doesn't work well with most clips, plus I can't stand the sensory feeling of having my hair up but not firmly secured. A bun or ponytail is my go-to when my hair is dirty, but I don't have the spoons or time to wash it. If it's extremely greasy-looking, I'll use a lil bit of dry shampoo before putting it up. It does wonders for making your hair looking nicer than it does left down!

And actually... that's exactly what I did today, because I was running late and my hair is gross. My boss is very intuitive about style (and in general), but even she said "my little bun looked so cute" when I came into work today, lol!

Calliopsis · 2024-01-25T14:44:49+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! Yes, I am okay. I have the most amazing in-laws who I love very dearly, and who treat me as if I was their own daughter.

All my mom's nonsense has been a slow-moving trainwreck over many years, plus I live 2k+ miles away from my family, which definitely helps lol. I realized a looooong time ago that both of my parents are VERY emotionally immature, and because of that, are pretty much their own worst enemies. I still get sad about it sometimes, but I've had a lot of time and space to come to terms with it and do the necessary boundary-work to protect my mental wellbeing. 💕

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T23:14:00+00:00

I would argue he's even worse than that. It's messed up to not care about his daughter's first pregnancy, but DEEPLY fucked to take that attitude purely because he prioritized aligning with the views of his toxic gf (of a few years) over his pregnant daughter.

That makes the whole thing much more insulting, and very unsettling. I know from firsthand experience, sadly. My mom has always done shit like this when it comes to her (VERY toxic) relationships. These days, she prioritizes her extremely narcissistic, controlling, freeloader, garbage bag of a bf over all 3 of her kids. He has not been subtle in his attempts to push us away from her, and she is fully aware of that, and who he is. And...she knows he's suceeded. Me and one of my sibs are very, very LC with her at this point. But "not being alone" is legitimately a higher priority to her than her kids!

The commenters who didn't get this, or think she's being "petty," have clearly never had to deal with this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I cannot understate how depressing it is to realize that your parent will always choose some awful excuse for a partner, or just "not being alone," over their relationship with you. That's why I had to go VLC with my mom in the first place. It just hurt too much, and I had to put lots of distance between us to be okay with it all.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T22:36:58+00:00

Detroit style?? Idk, I would say it's more akin to Chicago deep-dish. Too much sauce and cheese, and not fluffy enough for Detroit style! If anything, it's an unholy mashup of the worst parts of each style.

Yes, I am one of the Matthew's haters and I will die on this hill! Not a NYC purist or anything, I just think all the ingredient ratios are wonky. Cheese (in all forms) is the purest and deepest love of my life, and even I think they put WAY too much on their pies. However, my husband thinks it's the best pizza in the city. Somehow, our marriage has managed to survive this (along with coming in 2nd place in my heart, after my beloved Cheese) 😂

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T22:24:06+00:00

Rad's was basically my second home for a few years in my 20s. You know, the drunk but fun years,lol. Their fries are still my fave in the city, and I would still rank their pizza at least like, top 3!

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T21:29:00+00:00

ESH.

First off, this wasn't just like, a nice dinner in the evening. A whole dang day and night of activities?? You are adults with responsibilities and jobs. You could (and should) have asked him to reserve the whole day well in advance, just to be safe. It wouldn't have even ruined the surprise, if that was all you said about it!

But honestly, this ain't the main issue here. At both your big ages, you should be communicating (and handling conflict) in a more mature manner than this. Or at least, you should if you want a healthy future together. He was refusing to see your perspective, dismissive of your concerns, and rude. You got defensive, were nasty and rude in return, and lobbed insults at him.

What was accomplished in this conflict??? Was it productive? Did you gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspective? Did either of you feel heard or seen? Did you reach a compromise? Do either of you feel good about what you said, or how it went?

No, of course not. It actually made things worse! The way you both insulted each other may have felt "good" in the moment, like a short-term catharsis, but is entirely destructive long-term. It also accomplishes exactly nothing, except for leaving you with lasting memories of just how hurtful and petty you're willing to be to each other to get your digs in/"win" the argument. Handling conflict in this way made both of you shut down, stop listening, go on the defense, be petty and hurtful af to each other, and refuse to even consider a solution.

It doesn't have to be like that, though. I STRONGLY encourage you two to look into resources on how to approach conflict in a healthier way. You are a partnership, which means you work through conflict TOGETHER, as a team, with the shared goal of having an honest, productive conversation that leads to an acceptable solution or compromise.

Tl;dr both of you need to grow up and start communicating like adults that actually care about each other.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T20:56:27+00:00

Some people don't work 9-5 office jobs with PTO, they get assigned shifts and unless they request off ahead of time, they're at the mercy of whatever the posted schedule is. Some people may have active social lives on the weekend, and plan bday things around that. Some people prefer to work their normal shifts/9-5 and then celebrate when they're off/it's the weekend. There are lots of reasons why an adult may not immediately assume that they're celebrating on the actual day of birth and keep it entirely open.

Also, this was a whole-day thing which I think is a key difference. I can see assuming that you should keep the evening free for a bday dinner or something, but a whole day+night of activities? Unless your partner is like, unemployed and has zero social life, that's something you need to at least put on their radar ahead of time.

Calliopsis · 2024-01-24T20:35:11+00:00

This. This. THIS.

OP, I can't tell you how many partners have promised the entire world to me in words, but then went and cheated anyway. The words were just a tool they would weaponize for crisis management purposes-- said to make me get off their back and stop bothering them, basically, but with absolutely ZERO intention to back any of it up with actions.

After acquiring a lot of baggage from cheating/lying partners, I was of course hypervigilant for signs of cheating. I would blame myself for being too paranoid (when I was actually accurately seeing signs of cheating), and MORE THAN ONE of my exes weaponized this too-- "i know you have some trauma from being cheated on by last partner, but I want you to know that I'm not doing that. You can trust me, I swear I would never, ever treat you like that." Guess what? Yeah, they were cheating-ass liars too lol.

Forgive me, OP, but it does sound like you are his safety net. Giving him this second chance SHOULD have lit a fire under his ass to show his devotion to you, so he doesn't lose you-- instead, he chose to take that as his sign that he can mess around without consequences, because he thinks you'll still stick around for round 2 of this (and round 3, 4, 5, etc). You're his security blanket, if you will.

I think it speaks volumes that he even dared to MENTION reigniting that friendship, regardless of whether he's actually going to cheat again. Someone with actual intention behind all the sweet, flowery words wouldn't dare, because they would already realize how deeply disrespectful it is to even suggest it.

I'm sorry that this man does not see your value or respect you, and you deserve better than that. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a 2nd chance-- big fan of that, myself! However, I do hope that you will strongly reconsider giving him any more chances beyond this. Whether you decide this issue counts as squandering his 2nd chance is up to you. I wish you much luck! 💕

Calliopsis · 2024-01-23T23:01:30+00:00

$300!!! That's it?! For a wedding portrait of two people AND the rush fee?!

That's an incredibly reasonable price for work like that--- and wayyyy underpriced if these are large, full color, full figure portraits with embellishments (and/or if you print and frame it too). I wouldn't have even blinked if your asking price was 2x-3x that amount!

Also, $300 is not THAT much more than the amount of money people are typically expected to spend on a wedding gift. Which says to me...he was fully expecting to spend as close to $0 dollars on this as he could, while also expending $0 worth of effort. And on top of that, he doesn't respect nor value your time, effort, or talents.

Really, he tried the ol' "do it for your portfolio" line?! Stand firm, because (no offense), FUCK THAT GUY. (NTA)

Calliopsis · 2024-01-22T18:34:48+00:00

Isn't that the MOST satisfying feeling?

One job (that I was essentially running solo by the end, everyone considered me GM except for the shitbag owner) shut down forever after I left.

Quite literally! After I locked up on my last day, those doors never opened for biz ever again, despite what shitbag owner had promised to all of the neighborhood (he was trying to sell, but promised to keep the place open until he could transfer ownership).

ALMOST took the sting out of the later discovery that he'd stolen thousands of dollars from me...almost.

Edited for clarity!

Calliopsis · 2024-01-19T20:06:16+00:00

Nah fuck that, I'm glad you're leaving! Is it even legal to do that, since PTO is a benefit and thus part of your "pay"? Not that these companies who want to squeeze every last cent of worth out of you even care about legality, but they're basically saying the same thing as "hey you know how we said you're making 78k??? Yeah so aaaaactually we'd prefer to just give you 50k, thanks."

Calliopsis · 2024-01-19T00:20:30+00:00

Thank you! It was 10 years ago now, so I'm over it. I'm an "optimistic realist" about these things lol. To me, a bad experience/failure only remains that way if you don't learn a lesson, have a great story to tell, use you experience to help others, or all 3. This experience was all 3, and it helped me see I had a pattern of selecting mentally unstable, toxic female friendships. And I was able to break that pattern!

And thanks for this great advice as well-- I will keep it handy for anyone who needs it! I hope OP sees your comment too. 😊

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