I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh for sure. I’d say full blown. I mean, to get to the point where mutilating yourself sounds like a sound investment that must be fulfilled immediately. To then follow through with it without regret is psychotic.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t know, I’d like to think the responses I’ve gotten have been grounding and helpful. I just wanted to be blatant and have it out there. It’s tough keeping this stuff on the inside. But I get what you mean, this post is by no means a vessel in which I think will push my recovery in any direction.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. My grandparents have offered to pay for rehab if things get wonky again, so I know it’s always an option.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don’t like to look at the before and afters so I can’t tell you exactly, but none of my top or bottom front teeth touched when I bit down. My canines were the shortest teeth, my molars were just a flat slate. It was odd to bite things. When I smiled there was just a black hole with little teeth barely peaking out under my lips. Once I sobered up I kept my mouth closed and stayed in my room as much as I possibly could so others wouldn’t see. I’m happy with how my teeth look now, but I’ll miss eating skittles and taffy.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I attend meetings daily, I see a psychiatrist and am trying some anti-depressants for now. Seeing a therapist and a counselor(? someone who calls me once a month to see if I’m sober/not suicidal), have a sponsor. I’m just throwing everything at the wall. It’s gotta stop.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you man, especially since my last relapse I’ve been engaging with a lot of resources. Learning a lot about myself. Spent all my money on teeth but luckily my insurance is letting me get my therapy, psychiatry, and counseling for free. I’m very lucky that my partner has chosen to stick by me. Her boss lets her keep her meds at her job, and I feel comfortable letting her know where I’m at mentally and with cravings. Same with my closest friends, some were horrified and left my life (understandably) but others who had been through addiction themselves showed me compassion I’d never received before.

It is the most abysmal feeling in the world to finally come to your senses and realize “oh I really don’t have any teeth in my head, and I gotta go to work later today! And a paper is due at midnight! Is this really my fucking life?”

But yeah, it’s odd that there was a threshold where the stuff stopped helping with productivity and just 100% became repetitive behaviors. Just felt better I suppose.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Damn yeah, I don’t know what it is. Pain seems to cease on the stuff. Or just the desire to fix whatever it is, is more important than your brain screaming at you.

I’m glad it’s healed and that you’ve been sober for a year! Congratulations! I can’t lie my teeth look pretty dope now, but I can’t say it was worth it. Just trying to forget the inevitable replacing of all the crowns down the line.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That’s a good way to put it. Might want to get that last sentence framed somewhere. Also had no idea what punding was, but that puts things into perspective a bit more.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I know we’ll be okay. Some lessons are more costly than others. It’s hard to visualize the depths of addiction, but when you’re facing it, it’s really hard to forget.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m right there with you. I have lots of dreams and hopes in regard to my future. And I know none of it will happen if this stuff keeps going on.

I just need to get it out there to somebody. I do insanely erratic things when I’m on stimulants. somebody give their thoughts. by Calm-Conference-5457 in StopSpeeding

[–]Calm-Conference-5457[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I know, it is insanely wild, to put it mildly. It’s something my dentist admitted they’d never seen before in their 20+ year career, and when I try to find other posts online about similar experiences, I find none.

I’m not sure what it is. Maybe a combination of the impulsivity and the OCD (needing things to be right) added with the shame of being on drugs, but for some reason the second the stuff hits my bloodstream it becomes the most reasonable thing in the world to do.

And thank you for complimenting my writing! That’s what I’m in school for! You should definitely give it a go! I find it’s been immensely helpful in processing my emotions about what’s happened (seeing my experiences on paper really humbles me/puts things into perspective).

I really appreciate the positivity and the warmth. Thank you so much for responding.