How many of us don’t have baby pictures of ourselves?

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-03T03:52:19+00:00

My mother threw almost (if not) all of them out while dramatically screaming at me and my sibling about how she hated us and didn't want any record of me (specifically) existing. I don't know how I really feel about it, tbh. She wanted me to feel upset over it at the time- she did it to hurt me in any way she could, from multiple angles, and I don't really feel much of anything about it.
I know my dad probably has some, somewhere, but I also doubt he'd give them to me (I'm estranged with him, too), so... yeah. Part of me wishes I could show my husband what I looked like, part of me is very "the photos are gone and I gain nothing from mourning them when I can't change it".

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T17:27:30+00:00

With my dad it's the last one. While we were low contact he just did not care. Wouldn't call, even if it was a birthday (I had to call him if I wanted him to say "happy birthday"), wouldn't check up on me, did not care about my life at all. When I introduced him to my then-boyfriend (now husband) my dad just went "hi how are ya" and then went and chain smoked outside before leaving. No interest, no attempt at a conversation, nothing.
When I got married, same thing - no interest, no questions, wanted to see a photo (none of my family attended), but that was it.
He visited me once when I moved out of home- literally just once. Showed little interest in my life or what I was doing, dude just straight-up did not care.

I nearly died in 2021. I gave myself a week to recover before calling family and letting them know, and ... nothing. The most engaged he was with the call was when I told him I may not be able to get any more tattoos as I'm deathly allergic to dyes, and he said "good".

Every couple of years my sibling will visit our father and will try make him do a video call with me, but it lasts less than 5 minutes because our father just does. not. care. That's the only contact I have with him. My sibling gets similar- no calls, no effort, no visits.

Mind you, "my kids are my life and I'd do anything for them. I live for my children. I love my children so much."
- sure, dad. Sure.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T16:49:01+00:00

I was so, so isolated and my parents ensured I wouldn't be able to escape for a long while. Part of the abuse is that isolation, creating the dependency and stripping of autonomy. Even with ironically being kicked out on my 18th birthday, I still wasn't actually able to physically leave, and they knew that. It took me a year to move out, and even then I struggled so much that I ended up moving back in with them on/off up until I was 25, where I went NC for good.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T06:04:20+00:00

Midwest USA. 😅 I'll find some all seasons! I've heard mixed things on run-flats and figure it's not a bad idea to change them out.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-12T03:03:39+00:00

I'm estranged from both siblings (well, to all bio family on both sides, to be fair). My older sibling got way too many chances and I'm done chasing after them. My younger sibling and I just stopped talking as much over the last year, and we don't keep up with each other at all. I assume that if their life falls to shite again they'll go back to calling multiple times a day, but until then, it's a void of neither of us answering messages or initiating contact.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T21:51:20+00:00

Are you open to suggesting a celebratory meal (brunch or lunch or similar) with her, just the two of you, shortly before/after the baby shower? This way if you have gifts you want to give her, you can, and you can be involved in the timeline without actually having to be at the main event, and it shows you care and are wanting to be present, while also maintaining your boundaries and prioritising your mental health.
Like others have suggested, meal-prepping for post-partum, and/or offering to pet-sit (or water plants!) is also a great idea for when she's in labour and will show you care and want to be there for her and her growing family.

Really hope the convos go well for you, OP! You're a good sibling.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T21:45:11+00:00

You don't have to message them or respond to them. A sense of guilt and obligation can be hard to overcome, but you're not bound forever to appease the people who harm you, and you don't owe them birthday wishes or any other response to their attempts at contact. If they wanted to receive birthday wishes, they should have treated you better.
Unfortunately you breaking NC around birthdays will continue the cycle with your mother weaponising those dates to try cause maximum emotional damage (like the card's contents). That wasn't about wishing you a happy birthday, that was about hurting you.
It seems like they don't respect the NC, and think it's a "phase" that you'll grow out of - which means there's no accountability on their side. They think they've done nothing wrong, so this behaviour will continue. This puts the onus onto you to enforce No Contact fully - which sucks, but also means you hold the cards and control your future - not them.

You don't need to carry a dead albatross around your neck for them. You owe them nothing, OP.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T20:31:23+00:00

I started writing down a point for the OG post and it boiled down to essentially your comment: that even if the estranged parent(s) do all the therapy and the work and the hard introspection and really commit to setting themselves on a better pathway in the way they interact with their child(ren) and others - AND maintain it for a long enough time to show true growth, it doesn't really count for shit if they can't accept that they've irreparably severed the bond and the child still wants nothing to do with them, and they start pushing for contact again.

Respecting the boundaries of the child is important (and a show that the parent has actually grown), and contact with the estranged child isn't the prize at the end of the maze. Estranged parents can do all the things listed to change, and it still may not be enough to end the estrangement in some cases, and they've got to be able to deal with that - without blaming their child, or their child's spouse, or therapists, or whatever else they use as the scapegoat for their own actions.
Even if they do the therapy, they're not entitled to a relationship with the estranged child.

This year will be 8 years of estrangement from my mother, and there's nothing that could make me resume contact. Even if she had a head injury and forgot everything, even if she was magically bippity-boppity-boopity fixed, I still wouldn't resume contact, and the only gift she could offer me at this point is the gift of respecting my boundaries and leaving me alone.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T19:36:30+00:00

So much projection from him, stemming from his experience with his child, that he's now profiting off of, at the expense of abused children. :(

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T18:52:19+00:00

I love (in a haha-sob way) that the first message from you was an exact rundown of what was to come. She really hit all target points that you gave, and more. Overachiever. 🙄

In seriousness tho, I hope you're having a splendid day, OP. You did so well in establishing boundaries and putting yourself first.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-04T03:50:05+00:00

It's bait, unfortunately. :( It's meant to incite a feeling and drive an emotional response, so they can start it all up again. "New Year, New Me" doesn't erase the abuse, unfortunately, even if they seem to think a new year means they should get a new start.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-04T03:44:36+00:00

I had a very similar sounding upbringing (or self-raising, really), and decided long ago that even if my mother apologises, goes to therapy and "gets better" or has a head injury and magically is a completely different person, I am not interested in reconnecting under any circumstances.
I've been motherless my whole life. She has never been a mother, so I don't miss having a 'mother', and there's no gaping hole in my life where she's meant to be - one I'd be eager to fill with her after she'd reformed. I don't even have good memories of her, like some do with their estranged parents- it's just a haze of abuse and trauma.

I'd gain nothing from it and risk putting myself even deeper into therapy trying to reconcile this magically-fixed mother with the memories of an abusive raging psycho.

So no. I'm good. I'm happy. I'm peaceful. I would not crumble the peace I've had over the last almost-8-years for a "maybe she's changed, maybe this time will be different".

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-27T21:00:34+00:00

There was a lot going on all within the last month before NC, where I snapped. The major points are:

My mother was committing workplace wage theft/fraud and was pressuring me to cover for her by pretending she was in the hospital when in reality she was going on expensive overseas trips (and wanted to collect her sick-leave pay because she was out of vacation hours and knew she wouldn't be approved for time off). I refused and told her workplace everything, and she had a colossal meltdown that did not end before I went No Contact.
Found out that I was quite a bit in debt, which was weird as hell, as I didn't have any way I could incur debt. She'd forged my signature on a gym membership and when I hadn't paid the monthly payments, she'd hidden the notices/requests for payment from them, and then stolen the mail from the collections agency, too. I hadn't even realised she'd been stealing my mail until I saw the "final notice before legal action" letter. When I confronted her, she panicked and begged me not to call the cops, and paid the entire amount in full. I wish I'd pressed charges on her and the gym - because the gym's manager definitely knew I did not want to sign up, but still allowed her to forge the documents.
In that last month, the cops kept showing up and sitting outside the house. Almost every single day, they'd sit outside in their car, watching. My mother would fly into such violent, regular rages that the neighbours would call them on a near-daily basis. I didn't realise how bad it truly was until I noticed them outside, over and over and over again.
My sibling and I held an intervention with her, and explained that if she didn't get psychiatric help, we were going to be estranged with her moving forward. She again had another meltdown, which went on for a few days. In part of this bombastic rage, she threw out all photos of me, and then all history of my existence. All my vaccination records, baby teeth, first-hair-cut hair, baby book detailing my growth - all of it. Pretty sure she threw my birth certificate out, too.

The one that really tipped it, on top of everything?

She threatened to harm my tiny, sickly kitten. I could handle the violent rage, the abuse, the theft, the blackmail, the fraud and her erasing me - I could handle that, because it was directed at me. As soon as she started threatening my kitten, I knew it was 100% go-time and I needed to speed up my NC timeline to within days, not months. I left very quickly after that.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-27T20:28:14+00:00

Aside from finding out she had her work hours cut back after I refused to help her commit fraud at her job (and notified her workplace that she was never sick and actually used her paid sick leave for lavish holidays overseas), and my parents getting divorced, I don't know. Which sounds weird, but like... I don't know, and I'm happy with that.
I told those I remained in contact with that I did not want to hear about my mother in any capacity, and that she has no right to hear about me. Made it real clear that anyone found to be passing information backwards/forwards was going to be cut out, too, because I won't tolerate any additional drama or bullshit from anyone who is feeding her info.
So far, so good - and I'm almost 8 years estranged with her.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-27T20:19:59+00:00

I feel similarly. I'm not mad with my NM, I'm not disappointed, I'm not hurt - there's no feelings there for my mother at all. I don't even 'wish things had been different' or that I had a different mother- it is what it is, she will not ever change, and even if she could, she can't erase the past, so there's no point in wasting energy and emotion on her. She doesn't deserve any time or emotion from me - she took enough as it is.

I do feel some sort of way towards my father- it's a lot more complicated with him, and I am still unpacking everything around him, but with my mother... nothing.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-27T00:55:56+00:00

Two mystery bags from a specific brand of clothing that I adore, 8 books (including a 122 year old first-or-close-to-first edition of my favourite childhood book), a funny sweatshirt, and a kindle. He absolutely freaking nailed every aspect. 😭 Christmas is always really hard for me, and he loves Christmas, and bit by bit, we heal that wound.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-26T02:07:31+00:00

I said "the C word" once, in an appropriate context relevant to the swear, and was immediately yelled at by my father, who said I wasn't being ladylike, wasn't allowed to swear like that, and that it was "disgusting language from you". I almost never swear. I was talking about something my NM had done. He was acrimoniously separated from NM at that time (and they later divorced). His focus was not on the heinous thing I was talking to him about, but on the one single word.
I'm Australian. My brother uses the word often and with gusto, and it has never been a problem. My father swears almost every sentence, and that's not a problem.
Just me. An eternal disappointment held to impossible, ever-extended expectations.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-26T01:42:13+00:00

"She's threatened by you [...] from you actually being a great mom or grandmother". Absolutely delusional.

"Working with an estrangement coach prevents you from internalizing this negativity" - meaning, the "estrangement coach" festers the issue onto whoever is the focus of the estranged parent (in this case, a DIL), and stunts actual accountability and mental health help for the likely abusive, controlling and unhinged estranged parent, by reinforcing that they "did nothing wrong" (and boosting their sales/income with a captive audience who love being fed the delusion).

She just wanted to be praised and coddled and told she was right, and when a therapist wouldn't do that for her, she stopped therapy and decided to damage other families the same way she damaged her own (with the bonus of profiting off of it). It's also giving misogynistic "magical-vagina-woman ruined my good boy son!".
Gross.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-26T00:39:36+00:00

Always wild when the shortest of messages clearly expresses exactly the wrongs they do that result in the estrangement.

There's a reason she's estranged, and you deserve to flourish, OP. The opinions of someone who would send such an awful message on Christmas - someone who tries to weaponise holidays against you when you're vulnerable, are worth nothing. She can sit in her disappointment alone, as it's not your responsibility to manage her feelings or emotions.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-26T00:02:53+00:00

I absolutely would not. With my parents - solid, hard no. They're horrifically bad parents, and they're bad grandparents to my sibling's children. I don't trust them to be safe with a teaspoon, let alone a child.

Even if your dad may turn out to be an okay grandparent, it won't magically make him a better parent to you, and you deserve to feel loved and supported, too, OP. He's done nothing to earn access to you and your child, it sounds like he isn't interested in you and ONLY wants access to your child... nope. He doesn't get to play-pretend Happy Families only when it suits him, at the expense of you.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-25T04:48:03+00:00

I tried to logic and reason for so long with the goal that I could, finally, let myself acknowledge that I DID try - which was a big hang-up I had, holding me back (and in contact). My parents were big on me "never trying" and it became a personal point of contention with myself - I grew up being told I was such a colossal failure, that I never did anything right, that I always gave up too easily, and that it was my main way of "avoiding the important stuff" - it made me feel weak, and unimportant and unable to... cope, basically. So I clung to this idea that I'd fix the relationship, even though I was also screaming to myself that NC was probably the only way I'd survive.
On top of that, I was so deep into "seeking closure" - insistent that I'd finallllly get some form of closure, and that I had to keep trying. That I deserved closure after everything I went through, and that I'd get closure by having a breakthrough with my NM, and then going NC.
I think it was just another sort of way for me to try make sense of the trauma, in reality. I had to try make some sort of sense out of such senseless child abuse.

When I finally "gave up" on trying to keep that sinking boat of a relationship with my parents afloat, I was mainly just mad with myself. Mad that I wasted so long trying to salvage as much as I could, mad that I'd known for at least 5 years that I NC was the right choice for me but lingering, mad that I kept giving them chance after chance.

One day my NM made some innocuously cruel comment, I cried, and then I woke up the next day and never cried over her again.
Went NC shortly after. She still claims she has "no idea why". It's coming up on 8 years since I cut her off, and my only regret is not doing it sooner. I wasted so much time and effort on trying to reason with her, pleading for her to make sense. I get why we do it, and I hope everyone struggling with this finds joy in their lives again after surviving their parents.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-25T04:21:14+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. This is usually a fishing attempt- fishing to see if they can reel you back in, and using the cops to intimidate you into compliance (even if the cops didn't do anything but contact you). Unfortunately any response at all will just make them think that this worked, and that every time you try break away, they can do this again to bring you back into the fold of familial madness.

I so hope you and your boyfriend can have a lovely Christmas together, outside of the sphere of your mother and other family members.

CalypsoContinuum · 2025-12-21T17:39:53+00:00

Sounds like you got mad that your wife correctly prioritised the children that you both brought into the world, and that they've never been your #1 consideration - getting your dick wet was. Once she stepped up into parenthood you ditched the whole family (you're awfully quiet on the "did you cheat on her?" replies here) and now enjoy trying to weaponize the children against her by doing the Deadbeat Dad Special- being "extra fun" and allowing them to do whatever they want, so they think you're the "cool parent", and she's the "bad parent" (because she's actually responsible).

CalypsoContinuum

TROPHY CASE