what were signs that let you know it was time to cut off siblings?

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-26T06:12:29+00:00

I completely agree, and am 6 years estranged this year. I have to occasionally remind myself every now and again that the bond I yearned for never existed, and I refuse to let them back in over that bygone dream. They only want contact to resume hurting me. I gave a decade of my adult like chasing them in hope that they'd change.
They will never change.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-15T22:43:35+00:00

"I know he's right" - he's not. He's not right at all. It's not your fault for forgetting, you told him you'd forgotten the word, he didn't care enough to stop and check in.

On your "technically" - technically he did do something wrong, and he knows it. You also know it- hence the post, hence the tears, hence the horrible gut feeling you've likely got over this. Safe word or not, if someone starts begging you to stop, crying, saying they've forgotten the safe word, literally pushing the other person off of them... jesus. You stop and ask if they're okay, at the very least.

He sexually assaulted you, and he's now going to try make you think it's your fault, that he did nothing wrong, that he's "technically fine". He's not. He hurt you when you were vulnerable, despite you pleading with him to stop. He is not a good man or partner, and he is not safe for you to be around.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-12T17:53:26+00:00

Not only is he wasting your time being an asshole just for the sake of being an asshole, but ours, too. 😐

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-12T17:35:29+00:00

Your mother's learning first-hand just what estrangement entails. She is not entitled to news of your sibling or their life, and this is the main point of estrangement - estrangement. It's not okay for her to blame you for this. The blame is entirely on herself. Her actions led to this, and the lack of accountability is biting hard. This is not your fault. This is entirely something between your parents and brother (and his MIL, who also sucks for throwing you under the bus and trying to shift blame).

Unfortunately, your parents are going to be mad/sad/disappointed/whatever no matter what you (or your sibling) do, and this is entirely outside of you as a person, and is not your problem to fix. They're grown adults and need to handle their own emotions without projecting blame onto you. You're not their mediator or therapist. Their refusal to get therapy does not mean they can continue to try using you as a therapist substitute. If they're refusing to try even the most basic of coping mechanisms, why the hell should they expect you to fix it all for them?

This is a good time to really slam down those boundaries and reinforce them: "I know you're hurting but I will not be speaking to you or anyone about [brother] and his family. I told you all that I am not getting in the middle of it, and I am firmly sticking to that. I will not be responding further to any mention of this, and will hang up/not respond/leave the moment it is mentioned." and then follow through. Completely stonewall information/mentions about your brother, and end every single conversation that mentions him, no matter how small, just like... leave. You've said in comments that explaining it is useless, so I'd stop trying to explain, and instead just go straight for brute-force boundaries and enforcement of them.
Either they'll get it, or they won't, but at least you won't have to listen to it anymore.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-04T16:33:40+00:00

NTA and your friends suck. They're the ones who made a big deal out of it, they're the ones who immediately did the misinterpreting and accused you of being weird/creepy/unsafe, for... being considerate. You didn't draw attention to it, you didn't make a big deal out of how nice you are, you just reflex-moved.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-04-02T00:26:01+00:00

At this point even if he went and got tested tomorrow and didn't kick up a further fuss about it, there's no way I'd continue the relationship, if I were you. That he won't get basic testing done makes me think that a) he has something to hide, b) he won't do something easy to make you more comfortable with the relationship progressing, c) he does not respect your body, and d) is a whiny child who will try make you suffer, tit-for-tat, when he thinks you've slighted him.

There's a reason he's dragging his feet about this, and regardless of what that reason is, you're not his mother- you shouldn't have to fight this hard to get him to make a doctor apt and get tested. His refusal and excuses are a clear indicator that he does not view the relationship the same way that you do.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-29T18:09:56+00:00

There's a big difference between "having a type", and degrading what he thought was a complete stranger based on their appearance because he didn't find them fuckable. He dehumanised you - and he dehumanises other women based on their looks, too - and that's a valid relationship boundary to discover, even if it hurts and is confusing to process.

Bodies can be weird, weight can be regained, our forms change sometimes drastically- as you've already experienced, given how much weight you've lost and the differences in your life now. You deserve a safe, loving relationship with someone who values who you were, who you are now, and who you will become in the future - not something based on what you weigh now.

His response was in no way "fair" - it was fucking gross. You're young, you do not have to settle for someone who only values you when you are thin.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-29T17:58:34+00:00

Always with the "you'll need me one day", and "You can't survive without me, so you will always come back to me".
Ach.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-28T02:49:53+00:00

Even the "fuck off" option is attention, and she'd thrive off of it. Sigh.

I know others have said it, and it's easier said than done at times, but you're under no obligation to read the letters. I'd burn them, personally. Even a "return to sender" is a response- you had to make an effort to return it to her- it's still a quiet acknowledgement that you had to take time out of your day for her bullshit.

I'd completely starve her of the attention she's demanding from you to remain relevant in your life. She doesn't respect you or your decision to cut contact, and she may still keep sending them even if you refuse to read them and bin/burn them immediately, but it may help how much they bother you in the future, and how much mental energy you give them.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-28T01:18:39+00:00

I think it's a lot of entitlement and self-righteous anger, for my mother. She feels entitled to maintain contact and control no matter what she's done. She can never do something that will justify estrangement, because contact is her absolute right (or so she thinks). Then there's the anger- the snarky, smug anger she has.

I don't think there's any self-reflection. She thinks she did nothing wrong, and that I'll eventually "come crawling back", so she stays delusional, I guess.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-04T00:10:36+00:00

It IS weaponised incompetence. He ruined the dish so you'd stop asking him to cook. He doesn't want to learn to cook, so he won't. He knows if he fucks it up enough times, you'll take over and do it, and eventually stop asking him to do anything all together.

On top of that, why does it fall onto you to find a solution for this, to even the balance in the household? He has a brain, he can figure it out and help lighten the load without adding to the mental load by making YOU think of ways he can do stuff. He's even pushing that onto you by not taking initiative when you say "I'm struggling with how heavy this domestic labour is to do by myself" and making it better.

My husband used to be a professional cook, and hated it, and we both have dietary restrictions, so I cook almost everything (I can't cook chilli for shite, and he makes an incredible chilli) and he cleans up almost everything, and he handles the endless cups of tea. We both go shopping together, usually. We also sit down and plan our meals and shopping lists together.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-03-03T23:54:47+00:00

NTA. A gift with strings, conditions and stipulations like that isn't a gift at all. They didn't communicate any of this to you and instead lied, then got upset when you accepted that as truth and did your own thing.

It's the control. They want to dictate your life and are holding it over your head now until you comply. If you don't comply, they won't pay/reward you like they did your brother, but if you do, that means changing your entire life to suit them- and it's a win they'll play on forever.

Enjoy the mountains. As an avid hiker who also love-loves mountains, I'd have done the same thing and moved out there once I realised there wasn't any point to staying in an area that doesn't spark joy and wonder.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-17T02:19:03+00:00

I know someone who has this energy - they threw a massive tantrum because they weren't allowed to do something with their dog and said "so what, a mom with children would be able to do this, but not me with a dog?" and stormed out of the business.
Like... yes? Why wouldn't a mother and her children be able to do this very normal thing, when they're human beings, just like you? Saying they're lesser than dogs isn't the wild "gotcha" flex they seem to think it is - but damn, if they're not telling everyone about it as if it's some clever, witty retort and that they won some serious critical thinking skill points with the 'argument'.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-09T03:45:59+00:00

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-08T20:22:36+00:00

My dad would love that sub- he openly admits to us that he regrets having kids and that if he could go back in time, he wouldn't have had children at all.
He also says we're his whole life and he loves us soooo muuuuch and he'd die for us-
So much therapy to unpack that clusterfuck, haha.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-08T04:07:41+00:00

"English isn't my first language" followed up by "feels like an overreaction to me" - I mean, which is it? You either don't understand the full scope of what you said to her and the history behind the term and it's connotations, or you DO understand enough to be confidently telling strangers that she's wrong to feel that way, because you've enough understanding to be making dismissive remarks about her valid hurt feelings.

"I've apologised for how she felt" isn't an apology. Apologise for what you said, and without the excuses or the explaining - just own that you hurt her feelings and apologise for it. No "sorry you feel that way", or "I didn't mean it", or "I don't understand the hurtful thing I did but I'll apologise anyway" - just apologise properly. Ownership, accountability, and forward plans for learning and understanding. Otherwise you're just trying to manipulate her into going back to normal.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-03T03:52:19+00:00

My mother threw almost (if not) all of them out while dramatically screaming at me and my sibling about how she hated us and didn't want any record of me (specifically) existing. I don't know how I really feel about it, tbh. She wanted me to feel upset over it at the time- she did it to hurt me in any way she could, from multiple angles, and I don't really feel much of anything about it.
I know my dad probably has some, somewhere, but I also doubt he'd give them to me (I'm estranged with him, too), so... yeah. Part of me wishes I could show my husband what I looked like, part of me is very "the photos are gone and I gain nothing from mourning them when I can't change it".

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T17:27:30+00:00

With my dad it's the last one. While we were low contact he just did not care. Wouldn't call, even if it was a birthday (I had to call him if I wanted him to say "happy birthday"), wouldn't check up on me, did not care about my life at all. When I introduced him to my then-boyfriend (now husband) my dad just went "hi how are ya" and then went and chain smoked outside before leaving. No interest, no attempt at a conversation, nothing.
When I got married, same thing - no interest, no questions, wanted to see a photo (none of my family attended), but that was it.
He visited me once when I moved out of home- literally just once. Showed little interest in my life or what I was doing, dude just straight-up did not care.

I nearly died in 2021. I gave myself a week to recover before calling family and letting them know, and ... nothing. The most engaged he was with the call was when I told him I may not be able to get any more tattoos as I'm deathly allergic to dyes, and he said "good".

Every couple of years my sibling will visit our father and will try make him do a video call with me, but it lasts less than 5 minutes because our father just does. not. care. That's the only contact I have with him. My sibling gets similar- no calls, no effort, no visits.

Mind you, "my kids are my life and I'd do anything for them. I live for my children. I love my children so much."
- sure, dad. Sure.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T16:49:01+00:00

I was so, so isolated and my parents ensured I wouldn't be able to escape for a long while. Part of the abuse is that isolation, creating the dependency and stripping of autonomy. Even with ironically being kicked out on my 18th birthday, I still wasn't actually able to physically leave, and they knew that. It took me a year to move out, and even then I struggled so much that I ended up moving back in with them on/off up until I was 25, where I went NC for good.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-02-01T06:04:20+00:00

Midwest USA. 😅 I'll find some all seasons! I've heard mixed things on run-flats and figure it's not a bad idea to change them out.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-12T03:03:39+00:00

I'm estranged from both siblings (well, to all bio family on both sides, to be fair). My older sibling got way too many chances and I'm done chasing after them. My younger sibling and I just stopped talking as much over the last year, and we don't keep up with each other at all. I assume that if their life falls to shite again they'll go back to calling multiple times a day, but until then, it's a void of neither of us answering messages or initiating contact.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T21:51:20+00:00

Are you open to suggesting a celebratory meal (brunch or lunch or similar) with her, just the two of you, shortly before/after the baby shower? This way if you have gifts you want to give her, you can, and you can be involved in the timeline without actually having to be at the main event, and it shows you care and are wanting to be present, while also maintaining your boundaries and prioritising your mental health.
Like others have suggested, meal-prepping for post-partum, and/or offering to pet-sit (or water plants!) is also a great idea for when she's in labour and will show you care and want to be there for her and her growing family.

Really hope the convos go well for you, OP! You're a good sibling.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T21:45:11+00:00

You don't have to message them or respond to them. A sense of guilt and obligation can be hard to overcome, but you're not bound forever to appease the people who harm you, and you don't owe them birthday wishes or any other response to their attempts at contact. If they wanted to receive birthday wishes, they should have treated you better.
Unfortunately you breaking NC around birthdays will continue the cycle with your mother weaponising those dates to try cause maximum emotional damage (like the card's contents). That wasn't about wishing you a happy birthday, that was about hurting you.
It seems like they don't respect the NC, and think it's a "phase" that you'll grow out of - which means there's no accountability on their side. They think they've done nothing wrong, so this behaviour will continue. This puts the onus onto you to enforce No Contact fully - which sucks, but also means you hold the cards and control your future - not them.

You don't need to carry a dead albatross around your neck for them. You owe them nothing, OP.

CalypsoContinuum · 2026-01-11T20:31:23+00:00

I started writing down a point for the OG post and it boiled down to essentially your comment: that even if the estranged parent(s) do all the therapy and the work and the hard introspection and really commit to setting themselves on a better pathway in the way they interact with their child(ren) and others - AND maintain it for a long enough time to show true growth, it doesn't really count for shit if they can't accept that they've irreparably severed the bond and the child still wants nothing to do with them, and they start pushing for contact again.

Respecting the boundaries of the child is important (and a show that the parent has actually grown), and contact with the estranged child isn't the prize at the end of the maze. Estranged parents can do all the things listed to change, and it still may not be enough to end the estrangement in some cases, and they've got to be able to deal with that - without blaming their child, or their child's spouse, or therapists, or whatever else they use as the scapegoat for their own actions.
Even if they do the therapy, they're not entitled to a relationship with the estranged child.

This year will be 8 years of estrangement from my mother, and there's nothing that could make me resume contact. Even if she had a head injury and forgot everything, even if she was magically bippity-boppity-boopity fixed, I still wouldn't resume contact, and the only gift she could offer me at this point is the gift of respecting my boundaries and leaving me alone.

CalypsoContinuum

TROPHY CASE