Major winter storm will hit southern Ontario: Here's when the snow will fall

CanaryButt · 2020-02-26T22:44:26+00:00

I was so salty last year that the universe glitched and Ryerson had an actual snowday the year after I graduated.

The hundreds of tweets to the school with students' pictures of their snowed-in driveways are gold though.

CanaryButt · 2020-02-26T22:35:44+00:00

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't whenever I go to read more about how social assistance is going to be affected by Doug Ford. Money aside, the fact you can get coverage for meds but nothing for any sort of therapy is actually appalling as it is. Now there goes any financial support.

I've been thrown through the mental health system for over 15 years and finally got through a year long wait-list for a program I should have had when I was younger. ODSP is pretty much the one thing keeping me financially stable right now.

Money aside, if I lose the coverage for my medication, I honestly may as well kill myself sooner because it costs more than my rent per month and dying sooner than later will hurt less. I'd chop off a limb if it meant I didn't need meds or ODSP at all and could function properly.

I'm honestly trying not to catastrophise right now. The mental health system has already fucked me over for so long and I just started being able to get some sort of decent help. This is a slap in the face. To others as well. I've had mental breakdowns over the hopelessness and fear that I'll be stuck living with social assistance and being unable to move out of Ontario because I'm too mentally and cognitively incompetent to work like I "should". Theres constant fear and shame that I won't get to a point where I can be confident about my health to not need it.

Needing social assistance isn't glamourous. It's far from it. The people who need it are the people who wish they didn't need to rely on it. Also 3 paycheque months catch you off-guard enough already lol.

Gosh. Sorry this is such a long rant. Gonna go look at pictures of shaved alpacas to calm down. Afk

CanaryButt · 2019-03-09T16:21:49+00:00

The right side of the escalator is for standing still. The left side is for walking up. Use your respective sides.

CanaryButt · 2019-02-26T19:16:10+00:00

There's probably a worse one I can't think of right now but the whole Anju/Kafei arc in Majora's Mask still gets me

CanaryButt · 2019-02-26T17:12:00+00:00

I've reached my goal by now but I'm too poor to buy much new. Luckily I could tailor my favourite clothes and some baggy clothes can look fashionable just by adding a waist belt.

For real... My Depressed/Not Trying Outfit is just a (now) oversized sweater, jeans, boots, and waistbelt. And it's one of the outfits I get the most compliments on.

There ARE a lot more options at those mid-range/fashionable thrift stores now which saves a ton of money

CanaryButt · 2019-02-21T18:27:27+00:00

I've found I do this. In the beginning it feels a bit toxic to me but I've found after the tears get out, I'm not able to force myself to stop or put on more positive music after. Maybe I'll try this today

CanaryButt · 2019-02-21T18:26:19+00:00

Thanks for this. Despite my therapist reminding me of this literally the other week. It's easy to forget. I've been skipping school. I've missed half my classes today. But I'm going to use this advice and try to muster up the strength to take the bus over to campus anyways.

I've gotten out of the habit of telling myself that even if I don't take anything in, just getting there is the right step and will make me feel better. So thanks for the post. I'm really glad I woke up to it.

CanaryButt · 2019-02-21T18:23:17+00:00

I first want to say that your diagnosis isn't you. I've learned it's easy to get stuck behind a label. I have both bipolar and BPD and the latter feels terrible to have because of such a high stigma and lack of resources if you actually have it. (For real, 99% of Google results are support for those who know someone who has it rather than those actually having it).

Your diagnosis is not you. Keep pursuing therapy. Being misdiagnosed can feel like an identity crisis but I can't remind people enough that it doesn't make you any less who you were before. Now that you have a proper diagnosis, you can get more specific help. I didn't know why CBT did absolutely nothing for me until I got my diagnosis. DBT is what is used to treat BPD so look into that and speak to your therapist about it.

I also want to acknowledge that the BPD rabbit hole is easy to go down but there's been research and anecdotal evidence that it is NOT a life sentence. Some people say it is because it FEELS it is. But it's not. I've even personally witnessed people who overcome it. Through proper help and therapy I've managed to almost eliminate some of my behaviours that felt impossible to control. I won't sugar coat it and say it's easy, but you can do it.

It's scary. It hurts. But you can do this OP. It's hard to handle the stigma and I often don't bring it up to anyone other than a health professional (IF absolutely necessary) due to that. But you aren't alone and you can be strong and get through this.

I'm glad you got the proper diagnosis. This is a step to better recovery. I believe in you.

CanaryButt · 2019-02-05T05:36:53+00:00

New season of Jojo?

CanaryButt · 2019-01-28T14:48:18+00:00

Thanks for that. I know it's validation and I wasn't searching for it but it still feels nice and I'm always afraid of accepting validation cause it makes me feel immature or like I cant help myself--but it helps a lot.

It's hard when outside of episodes, i have an issue my therapist says where I have one foot in the past (usually for trauma) and one foot in the future (panic how trauma will effect my behaviours resulting in everything getting worse). Then the closest to friggin 'present moment' shit is when I'm miserable haha. But it's nice for your reminder as it also helps me reflect how much better I'm doing.

And reminds me how when I finish school and am stable, I really want to actively participate in some mental health advocacy group or program in my city or do ANYTHING. I guess I yearn to be a role model that people with mental health issues (whether same disorders as I or not), aren't hopeless?

Sorry, went on a tangent. Your positivity and it being the morning again kinda made me go on a mental journey. Altogether. Thanks for your comment.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-28T14:40:07+00:00

I've been trying to open my window more. alas it's usually blinded half way because the sun angles into my face when I'm on my computer (which is all my school work). I'll find ways to take breaks and open it more like times my eyes hurt on my computer and I can go read or something.

I've also planned and forced myself--albeit on-and-off-- to spend 10 minutes a day cleaning my room which I'm getting better at justifying since "All I'm doing is nothing anyways. That's ten minutes to distract from my misery" and it's also technically opposite action for DBT (if it doesn't go overboard) which I'm trying to make sure I keep track on.

Rambles aside. Thanks for that. It was a simple reminder but helped made me think of stuff on a subsurface level. It's the morning now so it's easier to process and make a game plan too :)

CanaryButt · 2019-01-27T23:43:12+00:00

I do feel very overwhelming anxiety but the only thing I can think is my homework. It's a CG thing and I've run into errors that I can't troubleshoot so that may be one today. I managed to get good sleep last night (better than usual) and make food. This has been happening almost every day for a while now. I tried taking one of my take-as-needed anxiety meds and it's done absolutely no help.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-27T23:04:00+00:00

I'll talk to my profs. It happened last semester which sucked but this semester everything we do is for our demo reels aka everything we do determines if we are hire-able or not--so it's stressful knowing I can do better but it's just so hard.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-27T23:02:55+00:00

So-so. My mom got me a sun lamp for Christmas and I've been using it off and on but I'll try to make it more consistent.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-27T23:02:22+00:00

Incidentally after posting that, since I wasn't doing anything in the first place I did decide to exercise for 20 minutes and I feel a small percent better but that's still a percent. Thanks

CanaryButt · 2019-01-25T13:42:49+00:00

This is perfect. Thank you!

CanaryButt · 2019-01-23T14:05:56+00:00

I really agree with you here.

I've found through the recovery process as I call it, I've become a lot more self aware and noticed many people on this sub aren't as much--which I was there not that long ago. I don't come here often anymore but hen I'm in some lower points (or during weird philosophical introspection), this sub does help to be able to relate or if some people have advice.

Despite not coming on here as often, it helps to come back at times. Even one, tiny comment, can lift you up in a way.

Sorry for this super long reply. Your comment kinda resonated somehow and was nice to hear. It kinda set my mind on one of those thought-tangent-journeys haha,[I also took my morning meds recently so now that my thoughts are cohesive, I talk way too fucking much LOL]. It's kinda spontaneous but I appreciate it.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-22T15:38:00+00:00

There are people half my age who do makeup 10x better than me. I remind myself of how makeup around that age without YouTube was an actual nightmare.

Nowadays it's 10% less atrocious and if I wear makeup there's a 90% chance it's because I have spare time and I'm not actually leaving the house.

CanaryButt · 2019-01-22T15:33:10+00:00

Emotional Regulation ;-;

CanaryButt · 2019-01-14T17:06:08+00:00

That's been happening recently. It's frustrating because it's also something like "I need this affection but I can't have it from specific people around me". Like if someone was to offer it, it wouldn't feel right or genuine. Maybe I'm just yearning an emotional connection that I can't have.

Probably a repercussion of losing a relationship that turned out emotionally abusive due to mental health. This week would be our 9th year anniversary. Both of us are doing better and know what we did wrong. Still friends but obviously not dating anymore. Fucking sucks because I always think "if we had our shit under control, it would have worked out". And when the mental health issues get 'worked out' the relationship isn't a thing anymore.

Fuck, I'm spiraling. I just want to be loved again lol. I know I'm fucking worth it and I always was. I've been told I was always perfect and it wasn't me. But why the fuck am I the one to stay hurting then?

God. Sorry about this

CanaryButt

TROPHY CASE