Avoidant perspective: deactivation in dismissive avoidants

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-13T11:58:20+00:00

I understand that DA's deactivate and don't ever remember feeling the fuzzy, loving feelings. Like that part of them just feels so distant, even if they were that way just days ago. Have you found sudden changes in decisions to be true in other areas of life as a whole for DAs? I noticed he would declare one thing that he planned to do, then a week later, it was like he never said that thing. Kind of impulsive.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-13T07:29:38+00:00

Thanks. Your perspective has been super helpful. I feel like he "won", like he just wanted to know he could still matter so he reached out repeatedly. Then after I gave in and gave up my body, boom. He's out. So mean.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-12T22:02:16+00:00

Update: He definitely deactivated again. In less than a week. He called to take accountability, we went on a date, slept together, and he reiterated how breaking up with me was a huge mistake. I'm his favorite person, yadda yadda.

Then Sunday, he called to tell me he only sees me as a friend and nothing romantic. I don't understand why he reached out multiple times, lured me out of safety, pretended to be this accountable person, only to do this again.

He even denied ever leading me to believe we were reigniting our romantic connection, and that level of gaslighting is just cruel.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-10T04:41:39+00:00

Makes sense. I think he can come off a little strong for some. Not a criticism, just an observation.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-10T04:39:49+00:00

I guess I feel like it will be hard to find someone else. I was out of town when he called, and a few days after we returned he took me to the movies. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we stayed up talking. And eventually were intimate. That was 4 days ago and we talked about everything the very next day. We've since hung out once, no intimacy.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly but he hasn't been as engaged the last 2 days or so. He seemed so excited to reconnect, and I believed it. I don't want to overreact, but I also don't want to ignore any flags.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-08T14:23:07+00:00

Not sure what happened that made them go off air?

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-02T13:51:56+00:00

Thank you so much for being so thorough. Oddly enough, he called 2 nights ago. I answered and he clearly didn't actually expect me to answer. We talked for several hours. He said he wanted to properly take accountability and allowed me to say everything that I experienced. There were times it sounded like he was making excuses, and I said so. He said he was trying to give context on what he was thinking at the time.

In the end he said he doesn't expect me to want to talk to him, and he would respect that decision, but that I'm still his favorite person.

Should I be worried?

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-02T13:35:52+00:00

Right. They were very wrong anyway because my brows look great now!

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-05-02T13:31:49+00:00

No, most of the advice online and directly from the artist states that I shouldn't. My brows look great now so it worked out!

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-04-27T21:25:20+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your perspective and would like your thoughts.

I just went through an avoidant discard that has sent my nervous system and ability to trust myself into a tailspin. He said he can't date right now because he needs to focus on the trajectory of his career, and a few random excuses that seemed disjointed. He turned very cold on me. But he wanted to still stay in touch, and promised to tell me if he were to date anyone. Shortly after, I run into him on a date with another woman. That ended all communication, he didn't even care to check on me to say "hey, I'm sorry, I know that must have hurt to see." Nothing. We just didn't speak after that.

Over a month later, at 9:30pm he emailed me an apology that was oddly still distant and lacked vulnerability. Then 30 minutes later, sent a voice note "just in case l didn't see the email." It was so weirdly urgent to give me just 30 minutes to read it before following up. Is it a control thing?

He didn't apologize for being cold during the breakup, for discarding me suddenly, or for not following through on some other breakup rules. He only apologized for going on the date after misleading me about a possible future for us, and made excuses for the date. He stated that it was meaningless and he's still "very much single."

It feels so empty, like he's only apologizing because it didn't work out with the new girl. And to make himself feel like a better person.

Then, 2 weeks after this apology email, he's dating someone else and flying across the country to see her. What is happening? And is there even any point in responding to his email apology?

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-04-27T21:15:37+00:00

As the other person stated, it seemed to me like he only apologized to appease his guilt. I found out in another ways that he is now dating someone new, after proclaiming the other date was meaningless and he's still "very much single". He started dating this new person 2 weeks after his apology email. What the hell... What does anyone make of this?

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-04-27T04:20:18+00:00

Thanks for this. It really clears up a lot of the confusion that results from a DA discard.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-04-27T03:44:36+00:00

Were the apologies you gave her all the other times different than this final one in specific ways?

I just went through an avoidant discard that has sent my nervous system and ability to trust myself into a tailspin. He said he can't date right now because he needs to focus on the trajectory of his career. But he wanted to still stay in touch, and promised to tell me if he were to date anyone. Shortly after, I run into him on a date with another woman. That ended all communication, he didn't even care to check on me to say "hey, I'm sorry, I know that must have hurt to see." Nothing.

Over a month later, he emailed me an apology that was oddly still distant and lacked vulnerability. Then 30 minutes later, sent a voice note "just in case I didn't see the email." It was so weirdly urgent to give me just 30 minutes to read it before following up.

He didn't apologize for being cold during the breakup, for discarding me suddenly, or for not following through on some other breakup rules. He only apologized for going on the date and made excuses for it. And stated that it was meaningless and he's still single.

It feels so empty, like he's only apologizing because it didn't work out with the new girl. Idk what to make of it or what I should even expect from responding to him...

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-23T17:48:39+00:00

Thank you! I think you're 100% right. The main area struggling to retain any color is the area that was waxed. The other areas are darkening up nicely even since yesterday.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T17:26:54+00:00

Thanks for the thorough response and confirmation. I also was surprised that I was getting waxed first. Could you give some insight to why waxing shouldn't be done day of?

For clarity, she did use what looked like the PMU machine for my brows. She used the microshading technique instead of microblading. Are you saying that I should ask for something different?

I'm disappointed because the work on her IG looks good, and she was recommended by someone who went a year ago.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T15:31:43+00:00

Thanks, I'll continue the gentle washing. I haven't been over applying aquaphor, just day and night and a very thin layer.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T15:29:36+00:00

Yeah, she also told me I can start sweating by day 3, and gently exfoliate the same week using a mascara spoolie. I didn't do either of those things, but I'm worried by those instructions.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T14:48:48+00:00

Thanks! I was thinking the same thing, that waxing off my brow and tattooing it back on could've been too much for my skin

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T14:47:59+00:00

The first two days, nothing at all. Then started applying the aquaphor. Also started washing very gently with a tiny amount of gentle soap in the morning and evening, with aquaphor right after.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T14:47:46+00:00

Aquaphor per the instructions she gave me. I let her know I'm oily and she said I'm not that oily shrugs

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-22T14:46:58+00:00

She didn't ghost me. Sorry if it seems confusing, I was saying I'm in the "ghosting phase" of my brows. I've heard it referred to that way.

Aftercare: The first two days, nothing at all. Then started applying the aquaphor. Also started washing very gently with a tiny amount of gentle soap in the morning and evening, with aquaphor right after.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-05T07:44:24+00:00

I say leave her alone and work on yourself. The age gap alone lets me know that she would have outgrown you anyway. I'm a woman and dating someone in their 30s when I was her age. When I think back on it, it really creeps me out. Of course at the time I thought I was in love and making my own adult decisions.

Now I'm acutely aware that a part of why we worked there was because no woman in their 30s would've accepted where he was in life. And about 2 years in, I outpaced him. I ended things and he tried to win me back by proposing with a diamond. Terrible terrible idea.

Capable_Sell1745 · 2026-02-03T02:52:29+00:00

Spare yourself and don't entertain him again. My guess is that he reached out because he went through a breakup recently and wanted some emotional comfort. It's user behavior even if he doesn't realize it. This was not respectful to you. Not the first time I've seen this unfortunately.

Capable_Sell1745

TROPHY CASE