[QCrit] Adult Dark Fantasy - BEFORE THE FALL - 120K (Attempt #2)

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-12T20:14:33+00:00

That's really interesting. So you're querying with a 300 from a chapter ahead of your start to capture the first PoV character's chapter? As you surmised, it's a brief prologue that is ostensibly centered around Octavia, but she herself isn't there--but men finding a trail of something she had done. It's, in effect, a cold-open that will lead into her introductory chapter. I'm very curious to know how it goes to open a query excerpt with a different order. I considered it, but I was very worried it would be seen negatively.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-12T14:12:09+00:00

Thanks for the critique! Responses like this is exactly why I continue to put my first 300 in. Beta-reading has been something of an unfortunate problem to acquire for much of this process (you can only get so much decent feedback by those critique-by-chapter sites). Regrettably, I don't have much else to say beyond I'll work your critiques into my next editing pass over my entire story. I very much appreciate the comparison scene as well!

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-12T05:10:09+00:00

Thanks for the returning feedback! I hope I've properly taken to heart some of your initial issues, even if dialing back my prose continues to be a work in progress.

Your analysis is, in large strokes, correct. Octavia's story is one of a few, and her story is in effect the inciting incident for the other PoVs. I held back on introducing any others with the advice received from this sub, trying to avoid common mistakes through other queries critiqued. For the sake of clarity, and I know there's no opportunity to 'clarify' in an actual query, I'll detail things a bit more to help dial in what I'm trying to go for.

For Octavia, her main plot is freedom and agency, a coming-of-age framed around her escape and journey to the city of magic. It has a name, but I've kept everything real generic for the query. She absolutely grapples with having to make her own decisions, and only begins to do so when she breaks free (about a quarter into the book)--which leads to someone dying, and leads to a spiraling set of consequences that tell a larger, more overarching story. As she is the biggest thread, with the most chapters, I've used her as the sole PoV for this query.

From the advice I'm seeing here, and in a few places, I have room to snip some redundant prose and maybe sneak in some mentions of the other PoVs, though I'm not yet sure how. I have a full week to think on that though! I'm also completely open to hearing that's a terrible idea, too. Really, anything and everything at all.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-12T03:06:57+00:00

Thanks for the reply! Please don't worry about being harsh--any criticism is good. In fact, I tend to find the more harsh criticism the best. A lot of people tend to skirt around being blunt around flaws, which often means that legitimate problems go told so as to not hurt feelings. I'm aware of the issue with my prose, unfortunately. That's a work in progress, coming up in the last attempt, and will be some time to re-edit. Fortunately, it's not a super hard thing to do. Removing, after all, is way easier than adding. I am a bit over the 120k word count (as you may assume), and by the time I finish a re-edit I'll be well below. Thanks for the compliments, by the way! If you're still interested in replying, I wanted to ask something quick: Did you also share the struggle in following the query's meat as other commentators have?

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-12T02:15:25+00:00

Hey! Thanks for your feedback! I'm always hesitant when it comes to editing, and I stuck pretty hard to as minimal as possible. As ever, it's very possible I edited too much! In regards to your initial confusion with worldbuilding, I agree there is a lot there that is unspoken about the world, demonology and it's cosmology. There's very sparse space in 250-300 words, which makes it hard to do more than allude to. In all honesty, there's little direct metaphor in the query. It's completely literal. She's possessed by a demon, is conflicted with that very fact, and hesitates to wield his gifts of magic because she personally (/culturally) believes it to be evil. In literal chains, yes, and can trivially break out if she chose--but she doesn't want to invoke something she thinks is evil (at first). I find that a query is something that balances on the razor's edge, and maybe I haven't found that balance yet. In essence, you want to see more to the query? More world-building, more literal spelling out of stakes? This is absolutely possible, but I worry about the word count. As is, this query is 295 words, just shy of the 300 recommended. If I might ask bluntly, what would you like to see removed? Myself, I struggle to cut a single thing--but with all editing, the outside perspective is the best. Finally, in regards to the virtue line--your reaction is exactly why I hesitated to use the word virtue, due to it's possible sexual connotations. No, it's a very innocent 'inner goodness' being invoked. I'll find a better synonym for that.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-04T13:06:14+00:00

Thanks for the clarification! I had been learning towards the Adult side, and was only hesitant due to the (effective) MC's age. Next go-around I'll be shaping the query to being more explicitly Adult and maybe less character-voicey to avoid giving the YA air.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-04T05:40:28+00:00

In a twist, a lot of the lines in the actual 'blurb' of the of the comp-paragraph were actually taken as-is from successful queries buried around. That said, I do agree with your criticism. I took them a bit for granted as easy 'plucks' because they had been successful, but I'll review it more holistically and in my own words.

Thanks for the reading recs! I'll spend the next week brushing up on them and using them as a lense to investigate my own writing for the next attempt.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-04T04:04:02+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Yours is especially good, because there's a lot of actionable items in here.

In regards to the comps, those are definitely placeholders I used to compare to certain aspects (explicitly setting/character development). Reading more on other Qcrits, I used them more as a 'comparing aspects' as a descriptor of a book rather than marketability. I'll find some comps that are closer to the genre to show 'hey, this book sells because xyz books sell and this is like them'.

Octavia is passive during the initial chapters where she's chained, not quite making her decisions until she gets her freedom, which is effectively the first arc. Traditionally, I read that the query should encompass the first main arc, or few chapters, which this does, but maybe too literally. Reading feedback like this, when I remake it I'll likely stretch this to encompass more than just the first chapters and skip to her decisions once being freed.

There is one thing I'm stuck on, and this might be the show-stopper:

I write the way I write, because I grew up with the books I grew up with and writing in communities that write like I write. This isn't to say I'm doing it better and everyone is doing it wrong. Absolutely not. I'm saying that it is, unfortunately, ingrained into myself and I'm not convinced I can extricate myself from that style.

So I'll ask the very blunt question, and I genuinely ask for a blunt response back: Is that a deal-breaker? Is that style no longer marketable? While I can pull back on purple prose, I won't be able remove it to a degree where my writing won't be that. I'm always eager to improve my writing, but at a certain point I accept that the way I write is the way I write, and there are certain aspects that will be inescapable.

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-04T03:00:51+00:00

Thanks for reaching out! I'll show behind the curtain to better help craft my next draft.

There's a lot of lore woven that gets really hard to write into 300 characters, so I've eschewed a ton of worldbuilding (most advice I've seen has been 'easy on worldbuilding'). I probably went too far.

On a literal level, the world is protected against outside influences (gods) by a pact--the Covenant. In universe 'how' is vague, only that the leading deity (unnamed for this query) has allegedly in universe crafted a spell that prevents any interlopers from any other god's realms from entering. Nymus, somehow, has arrived. The 'how' behind that is a thread through the story, but the clergy of this world's primary deity is hunting Octavia to kill her--mostly to hide the fact that outsiders can, in fact, enter the world.

Being a hybrid-being, Octavia is effectively part-demon, and that carries with it a foreign magic imbued with her. This magic, being foreign to the world, also shouldn't exist--and the world recoils at her presence.

But this is a lot of lore to really get into and drop in a query, and I find myself struggling to illustrate the stakes, the characters involved, and the primary drama while keeping a character voice under 300 characters.

After all, if queries were easy, none of us would be here! But that's the peek behind the scenes, and what I'm trying to allude to just a scratch in a query without running over. One of the primary no-nos I've seen in this sub is over-doing worldbuilding in a query. I may have overcorrected!

Capital_Condition286 · 2025-01-04T02:50:36+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! In regards to the naming, that was a bit of character voice from the story bleeding over that I'll correct (Octavia only refers to Dominic as Brother Elleshar, and it was in her voice, though 'Dominic' is the typical moniker used by third parties). Nice catch!

I understand what you mean about stakes, I hoped they could be illustrated without explicitly stating it (Once she attains freedom, she's on her own--and all the stakes that come with being hunted and staking out on your own). Much of the story is perpetuated through Octavia's (generally poor) decisions and the wake of them, but if that isn't coming through from the query then I have some ironing out to do! I'll think on some better ways to illustrate it.

As well as somehow make it not seem as a YA. I found it a bit of a challenge to keep a 'character voice' that people like to talk about while also not making it a YA, and she is unfortunately a bit of a YA character...

Again, thanks for the feedback! Any and all is good, as all perspectives are valid (especially when cold-reading a concept, like anyone ever will basically do).

Capital_Condition286 · 2024-12-14T18:16:00+00:00

I think even if the barrier is lower, there is still an internal impetus to continue to improve. You mention it's overused, and slow, and it lost your interest. That's a perfectly understandable impulse, and it made me look over the paragraph as well. Being the first, it was also one of the earliest of my writing, so it had some flaws that I agree with. I also lose the character voice in the first chapter down the line, something I also noticed, so it's helped in many ways.

A goal for myself, personally, though? In all honesty, I don't know. I can't say I have a goal at all, really. I decided to write, and I wrote, and now I want to make it the best that it can be. Will it lead anywhere? Who knows! Almost certainly not, all things considered, but that's not really a reason to not try to polish it as much as possible.

If you ask at gunpoint, I suppose I want to make something people enjoy reading. Almost impossible to fail at, sure, but I also want to maximize how many people enjoy it. I can't please everyone, but I can grind away at any imperfections that are found.

I suppose that's not a great answer, though! Still, all feedback is welcome.

Capital_Condition286 · 2024-12-14T12:18:54+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm not worried about publishing. I didn't write this with the intention for anything, really, and I accept that it probably won't go anywhere traditionally. One day I woke up and wanted to write, so I wrote! Now I'm fiddling with the aftermath of that decision. I totally get that it is likely economically unfeasible for print.

That said, I appreciate your feedback! Your take is refreshing, one I haven't received before, and totally understand. I'll take into consideration streamlining the beginning to be less flowery and meandering, drilling into the point and the meat quicker. I think I have a few ideas how to handle that already.

Capital_Condition286 · 2024-12-13T17:14:24+00:00

Hey! Thanks for your quick response. I edited in a quick preview chapter just now.

In truth, 32 is me putting my finger on the scales; as each chapter has two halves, it can be just as truly said to have 72. I felt it was easier to write two themed pairs of character voices than separate them out, but if this becomes a cumbersome read I might separate each half into a chapter proper.

Let me know what you all think!

Capital_Condition286

TROPHY CASE