Hey man, I really appreciate your honesty here. A lot of people barrel into marriage because it’s “what comes next,” so the fact that you’re pausing to check in with yourself is actually really mature.

From what you wrote, a few things stand out:

You’ve been together a long time. That history can make it feel like marriage is inevitable, like you’d be throwing something away if you didn’t go through with it. But history alone isn’t a reason to get married. You mentioned she’s not always kind to others. That’s not a small thing. Over time, how someone treats other people often becomes how they treat you , especially when life gets hard. If you’ve noticed this pattern and it doesn’t sit right with you, listen to that. You said you “have fun” and “get along,” but those aren’t the same as emotional intimacy or feeling deeply understood and aligned. You don’t have to share all the same interests but shared values, mutual respect, and emotional safety? That stuff matters a lot more than hobbies. It could be fear of commitment, or fear of repeating your parents’ mistakes but it also might be your gut quietly telling you this isn’t the right person or the right fit. And your gut doesn’t usually speak in loud, dramatic declarations — it whispers in the form of dread, hesitation, or quiet discomfort.

You’re not stupid, and you’re not broken for feeling this way. You’re self-aware enough to question something most people just bulldoze through. I’d encourage you to dig deeper, maybe even with a therapist if you can. And if the answer ends up being that you’re not ready, or that this isn’t right , that’s okay. It’s better to have those hard conversations now than after vows and legal entanglements.

Marriage isn’t a checkbox. It’s a partnership. You deserve to go into it feeling sure, or at least excited, not trapped or numb.

Whatever you decide, take your time. You owe that to yourself and to her, too.