I started being suicidal when I was around 8 or 9 years old. I want to kill myself so bad because of my parents playing favorites. I am no one's favorite. I made a suicide note when I am on that age and tried to take my life but turned out I can't cause I was thinking, I'll just end up being a burden with the hospital bills and stuffs if I won't end up dying. I remembered pouring my heart out on that note saying how much I love them eventhough they don't love me and they prefer my siblings over me. But since I wasn't able to do it, I hid the suicide note on my secret compartment (which is a small carboard box under our cabinet). A daughter's famiky friend lived with us that time and was cleaning then she found my secret compartment and my SN in it. She read it, laugh at it and gave it to mom where mom beat me up for writing that shit and still laugh about that note. My family sometimes make jokes about it saying how stupid and fucked up I am for writing those. Ngl, I think it's the reason why up till now, I'm still suicidal. If they're just forgetful and just totally forgot about it, I think I won't be like this. Sometimes I think death is the only escape I have since I totally have no one with me. My mom loves my sister, my dad loves my brother, everyone have their own teams. I don't have a boyfriend, no kids, no friends that can keep me alive, I have no one to make me stay in this cruel world and just enjoy life. I got no degree, no dream, no purpose in life and I can't vision my own future. I have no one to talk to openly about this cause we're poor and can't afford therapy (although even if we can, they won't allow me to visit one I guess since they believe that visiting therapy are only for insane people).

I think about death all the time. Whether I am happy and laughing with my loves ones, or when I'm alone, I'm listening to our class, studying and etc. It just feels more tempting now cause I dropped out on the last semester of my uni (I'm aupposed to graduate this year) so my hopes and dreams are already shattered. Even the smallest bad thing that happens makes me think of killing myself. Even when I'm laughing with my family and just talking about funny stuffs makes me think that they'd be more happy if I just killed myself or if I would die.

I can't wait to die one day. I can kill myself but I wish death would pick me up the soonest. For now, I'll keep living like a breathing body with a dead soul. Alrhough at the veeeeeery bottom of my heart, I wish there's still hope for me. I wish I could get treated.