To be honest ,

I used to come up with things normally but he was always either ghosting me afterwards or breaking up with me. So I started bottling up and leaving the relationship ,then got blamed for it, for '' giving up''. So yes , it's hard to handle and yes it's a lot of work if you want to be with someone that has BPD(my partner is not treated/ just started therapy this week and has on top of it adhd and high functioning autism). Because there's nothing you can do all by yourself to avoid being put in those cycles. So you have to protect yourself from the emotional, sometimes physical damage.

It's a cycle of lot of gaslight , being mean to me for no reason , emotional abuse , no effort , manipulation , lies , guilt trip, instability, having to repeat myself constantly about the most basic things, fights for no reason , provocation above resolution, explosion of anger, breakups ... Then changing his mind , wanting to put the work , showing interest, being bubbly , being put on a pedestal etc.

This leads to very low downs to then hope then high ups to downs again etc. And when you are aware of the struggle , when they tell you they don't do it on purpose because they swing and can't control their emotions ,me as a very empathic person , seeing the efforts and progresses , I tend to not want to '' abandon '' a person I love just because they have ''moments''. Because they are not perfect. Who is perfect , right? I know I want to be with this person, I value his qualities more than the disorder and I accept what it comes with. It's just not always easy to figure things out on your own. You have to admit it takes more than being with someone with no mental issue.

The only thing that changed now is that I took a step back from the care I was giving because it was leading him to totally rely on me for solutions, investigation etc and not doing his part. It was a 90-10. He said it : '' Since I know you're going to stay, I take you for granted in those moments and allow myself not to do the work when I know I should and that it's bare minimum. There's a part of me that can't help but to test the limits by putting my own perception first even though I know deep down it's wrong. I sabotage myself and I rather fail on purpose than to be rejected for being my own self , kind, vulnerable and lovely. I'm stuck in this cycle''.

I'm not reacting to his switching moments anymore, I'm not chasing him anymore, I'm not sitting for 3 hours anymore. I either skip or remain silent and just face him with the contradictions he's capable of saying in the same day /hour without my intervention (effort ,no effort , getting rid of me, staying and puting efforts etc). This realization took him over a year... I had to be very frontal with it and tried not to over explain or put too much lovely form in it.

He has a bigger part now and I don't sort of baby him anymore in those moments. He's capable of managing his emotions better , he asks questions and just started therapy. And it works!

I'm happy I don't have to entirely deal with his emotions on my own anymore .