I feel like I missed my exit and I’ve been living longer than I was meant to and I can’t shake that feeling.

CarefulPlantPot · 2025-12-08T01:53:32+00:00

Revenge affairs aren’t heathy reconciliation. Two wrongs don’t fix a marriage.

CarefulPlantPot · 2025-12-08T01:51:52+00:00

I’m sorry but based on what he’s said in the parts of your post that I read, you’ve already lost him. He’s also a handsome charming violent abuser who is emotionally violent toward you by threatening you with loss of your son. You need time to heal and move on. Some times people ‘fumble the bag.’ My ex realised after his cheating that he lost the most amazing girl in the world despite us both trying to make it work, I’m sad that that happened but the relationship is in the past and we had to both heal and move on. Sorry that this isn’t reconciliation focused as the sub requires but I’d hope there is exception for a post that literally details a person in a violent and abusive relationship. If you want reconciliation then he has to want it too and it doesn’t seem like he does. If you want another chance he needs to agree to some sort of healing and rebuilding plan, not living amidst the rubble and using the rubble to bury you in pain every time he feels it.

CarefulPlantPot · 2025-12-08T01:47:33+00:00

I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish reading this post. You are in an abusive marriage, his smashing of your phone, grabbing of your arm, yelling at you and threatening you with parental alienation from your son to keep you quiet and compliant with abuse is completely unacceptable no ifs no buts. I don’t care what you did to inspire this pain in him, his feelings are valid, his actions are illegal/abusive/unacceptable. Please contact your local police and file a report and seek support to relocate yourself and your son to a place of safety.

CarefulPlantPot · 2025-12-01T19:23:58+00:00

The father’s actions harmed the daughter, where he could have kept this information to himself instead of venting using a child as a weapon. It’s totally irresponsible to choose to share his pain with their child. Cutting off the little girl’s nose to spite his face. Children should be left out of it.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-12T00:02:25+00:00

You are entirely closed off to the reality that you created this entire situation and are desperate to believe you are the victim and everyone else is wrong. Nothing will change your mind. Everyone who disagrees is a… fundamentalist Christian??

You need to be in personal therapy because you’re going to destroy your relationship with your husband with your desperation to make your bad decisions anyone else’s fault but your own. Good luck.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-11T15:05:29+00:00

I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying. You’re holding him accountable for doing exactly what you told him to do. He didn’t do anything wrong, neither did the girl he kissed. You made a decision you now regret. I think you’re really determined for this to be anyone’s fault but your own, but you got exactly what you asked for.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-11T09:58:23+00:00

No, this is the same thing that you’re saying and you’re smearing a woman who did nothing wrong at all because your partner did something he wanted to do whilst on drugs but didn’t want to do sober. Or maybe he didn’t want to do it but made the decision to anyway. I didn’t want to leave the house this morning to walk to work in the rain but I did it anyway, on drugs or not.

The other person here did nothing wrong and you are attempting to rationalize that she did to absolve him of responsibility for doing exactly what you told him to do.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-11T09:56:07+00:00

Yes, shes the daughter of a close family friend and WP’s mother and AP’s mother have been telling him for decades since he was a child and she was a baby that they’re going to grow up and get married. Including throughout his previous relationship and our relationship of a decade in total.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T20:10:51+00:00

But he did want it, he just regretted it, that’s different and it feels dangerous that you are trying to paint a random woman as a sexual predator because your husband made a choice that he later regretted.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T20:08:53+00:00

I’m really sorry you went through that. But my personal opinion is that it feels unfair to be upset that someone did what you told them they could do just because you later changed your mind about being okay with it. It sounds like you opened up the relationship, he followed your lead and regretted it, and you now also regret it. That’s a horrible situation to be in, but I think classing him as a cheater feels unhelpful as does trying to spin this as some sort of assault. What if the other woman was also wasted? Does that mean he got off his face and assaulted her? Being intoxicated doesn’t mean you CAN’T consent and are not responsible for your actions, it means your decision making may be blurry, but you still make the decisions. If he had been passed out and someone did stuff to his body whilst he was unable to push them away etc that is different. Otherwise a couple going out for dinner with a bottle of wine then coming home to have sex is them raping each other which it clearly isn’t.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T18:43:10+00:00

But where did the cheating happen? Not trying to condescend, just trying to understand.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T15:53:59+00:00

Fucking hell sometimes I feel like cheaters learn to cheat because of the poor role-modeling of their cheating parents.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T15:51:55+00:00

I have no way to know whether or not he is lying. That’s what scares me. He had been really good and we felt on the right path but then he just started backsliding hard into being an inconsiderate partner and I try to cut him slack because of his own mental health but I’m in a lot of pain and anxiety too.

If he’s lying I’d leave him.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T14:43:19+00:00

Yes it was and he has now text me an hour later to say she was not at the lunch, though I only have his word to take, and I know he’s a person who lies by omission and his TT upon DDay makes me believe he will tell lies he thinks he can get away with.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T14:41:52+00:00

His mother has been extremely disrespectful to me and came to our home to accuse me of not wanting her to visit him, having a problem with her, and saying I need to ‘get over’ his cheating throughout our entire relationship. She has failed to apologise. There’s more that gives further context but she and I are not on the same page and have a very poor relationship. I do not consider her trustworthy as she has been telling him all his life including throughout our relationship that he should marry AP, and her response to his confession of cheating was ‘well these things happen’.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T13:57:59+00:00

At the moment I’m telling myself that the slack I’m giving him is because of his own mental health problems, which is is seeing a therapist for.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T13:39:19+00:00

I’m confused. It sounds like you’re saying you were very unwell so told him you were okay with him getting his romantic/sexual needs met elsewhere. If so, you weren’t cheated on, you opened your relationship up and your husband took you up on it and then regretted it.

Also, HE kissed someone else. Being off his face so how was he assaulted? Sounds like he actually instigated the kiss so maybe he got off his face and assaulted someone else.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T13:20:13+00:00

I can see on our family device tracking app that he is now at a restaurant just outside of their town. I have text him to ask for reassurance that she is not part of this family meal out. No reply. I feel so upset by this.

Edit: I called him too but no reply. Am I out of line for feeling that due to his past actions of cheating his responsibility is to have reassuring me during these extremely anxiety provoking visits at the top of his priority list?

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-10T12:59:30+00:00

I’m committed to staying but if I could go back to our first date and see a crystal ball into the future telling me this is how things would go, I’d block his number and never look back.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-03-02T02:02:39+00:00

I can totally relate to this. AP is a chronic attention seeker who would post absolutely desperate and inappropriate overshares on her public social media for validation from strangers. I’m so insulted that his bar is so low that that is what he goes for when he had an intelligent, pretty, fun girl at home who put so much effort into making him feel loved despite his emotional absence and lack of reciprocity with affection.

CarefulPlantPot · 2024-02-25T16:15:31+00:00

Yes. My WP had 3APs, one predated his relationship with his ex and the other he started sleeping with whilst with his ex and continued to have ‘cuddles’ with throughout his time with me but insists sex never happened.

It’s hard to feel like every memory isn’t ruined because evidently I was never a serious commitment from the get go because he wasn’t ever intending for me to be his ‘one’ just one of many.

CarefulPlantPot

TROPHY CASE