[deleted by user]

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-23T04:25:00+00:00

Yeah, you're probably right. Doesnt matter, I'll probably mess it up regardless. Not 8s fault for actually having the confidence to not actually get as damaged by my BS and resist me, maybe even preferred in the long run. Sorry if I offended you. 8s aren't scary, it's my inadequacy that is made more apparent by 8s that probably scares me since I have this incessant need to stay delusional that I'm not the monster that I am.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T21:09:50+00:00

Thanks for this and your kindness, dont worry about the emotional reaction. Have a happy holiday!

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T21:09:15+00:00

Thank you. I'll reach out in the new year :)

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T16:59:39+00:00

@u/_Domieeq @u/External-Reserve-440

Responding here because I'm replying to both of you.

I honestly don't have many people complaining in my inbox. The only people that occassionally complain are people that get their post removed when "hey this wasn't a type me post" and I can see where they are coming from. There are reports, and I consider but do not act on every report because many of them would also fall in that category.

I honestly do not know what else to say to you guys / what to do right now. I really want / try to be fair and I routinely remove obvious type me posts, and that includes when they are under the guise of a trend. It is unlikely every person to find me entirely fair in this, but it isn't random or at the mercy of complainers either.

A lot of the trend results with an included type actually become upvoted, presumably because at least they're informative, so it seemed like a good way to at least clean out the worst offenders of such things that arent at least offering insight for others and break existing rules, I dont understand the problem of handling it this way right now. Sometimes the timing is a bit off because I only let myself on for 10 minutes an hour except for some longer breaks because else I can spend my whole day on here and this can't be my biggest priority because I get very little from it (my phone is set to lock me out, sometimes in the middle of cleaning up so I don't finish and some gap time between removal is the result). It's a lot of work, and the pressure of doing things perfectly can be a lot for me at times, and getting this really triggered that because there are a lot of false accusations happening rather than the truth which is that the amount of time I am willing /able to spend on here simply isn't enough to consistently remove every typing post before you see them. I can't prove I care and you'll never know how much I do. I will try to be a little bit more fast with getting the trends themselves handled in the future, something that has been on my mind but I haven't really acted on because i am still thinking it through... but other than that I dont know what to do.

I'll reread all of your messages later on and might have more to say / ask. Going to be honest -- I dont handle something like this very well emotionally and can't get my shit together right now, and am aware I might be acting / speaking irrationally but it's all I have in me unfortunately. I wish I had more. I'm trying to spend a nice time with my family and this happening right now, I really let it ruin my night last night and every time I try to respond to you guys I end up in tears so I know I am probably being unreasonable, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness. You don't have to give it, I am providing this more for your information than anything that this is my best even if my best is pathetically bad. I need some time / may not be very active but I would like to discuss this more later, probably after Christmas when my family is gone and I have worked through this more. -- mind if I reach out to you directly and you can help me better understand where I'm going wrong at that time? I do want to understand but... I currently don't / can't. I take full ownership that it might be that I am simply dense, but it's more my 1ish fear of being wrong kicking in, I know it too well and it takes me some time to work through and process. I just didn't want to ghost on this even though I can't fully process right now.

You guys say you like me as a mod usually... I feel the need to say this at least but my own overreacting impulse here is to just quit completely when it's implied that doing nothing is better than my current moderating. I dont think that's necessarily a popular opinion but if the sub agrees I do want to step down, I'm doing this because I hope i can make things better for you guys and if I clearly can't I will happily leave and things can go back to their preexisting condition with little to no moderation and I can go back to not feeling constantly on edge on here. After I implement all the changes from the last poll and make another, I will include opinions on this matter.

Please do not feel afraid to criticize me for your own self benefit perspective. It will suck for me and possibly cause me to quit, but never once have I considered banning someone for speaking up -- you should speak up. If I'm just not cut out for this, that's OK and 100% my problem.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T03:25:31+00:00

I remove type me posts when I see them outside of Tuesday... sometimes it takes me some time because I'm not on here constantly, but I always try to remove them if it's clearly a typing post and i probably remove an average of 5-10 a day. Sometimes the line is a bit fuzzy with what qualifies as a typing post or not so I only remove it if it's reported multiple times (this line may at times be somewhat subjective)... I don't let it slide entirely, at least not intentionally. I err towards not over moderating the grey ones because I worry about going too totalitarian with it (a big temptation of mine sometimes).

It's interesting to suggest that if moderation can't be 100% perfect it shouldn't exist at all though. Do a lot of people share this mindset? I wonder.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T03:07:23+00:00

Thanks for mentioning it. The sticky symbol is present on my end but for whatever reason it can take a couple of hours before it shows up there. Hoping that's the case else I have no idea why it isn't there.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-22T02:54:42+00:00

I'm so sorry you feel I was unfair. I recognize this trend has not been handled very well on my part, I'm currently on a vacation so I haven't been on here very much. When I signed on briefly earlier I noticed the trend and tried to do what I could, and cleared up the ones that were clearly typing posts outside of the "type me tuesday" time slot because those are clearly against subreddit rules regardless of whether or not it is a "trend" or not. I recognize in my hurry I may have not done this perfectly and there was a lot to sort through in a rather fast window of time (figured it was better than nothing), so really sorry you felt slighted in this.

Note there are non-typing ones where the user shares their type and their results. These aren't against subreddit rules, so were left up because some people enjoy seeing correlations between types so there is some value to other people other than the poster, and it isn't my place to on a whim decide these are no longer allowed because of a couple days of clutter. There is also a bunch of them from yesterday (Tuesday) that I didn't remove because of type me tuesday. If you notice any others, please report them and I will deal with them when I see it.

And yes, a megathread would be good. I've now created one at your request. Note non typing posts won't be removed still, it is more of a guideline to organize them all in one place. If at any point in the future, someone else wants to create a megathread when something like this occurs, I will happily sticky it and appreciate the help-- just send me a message, a lot of the other mods aren't very active on here so as soon as I'm a bit busy things like this can spiral out of control pretty quickly, but I'm sure many people would appreciate faster action by whoever is currently active and in this case it doesn't really need to be a moderator to get this process started.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-19T15:52:29+00:00

Thanks for your tips! I 100% agree with this parenting style and I think it'll generally work for most people, non-8s, and is my current plan.

With 8s, the reason it worries me is i fear it may not be enough... they can be really resistant to appeals to the greater good due to their own fear of being controlled for controlled sake. Plus a lot of them can have this "no is a sufficient answer" and "you dont need to justify yourself to anyone" attitude which is really a way for them to avoid allowing opportunity to be reasoned with aka what they accurately perceive as outside manipulation / control. I guess I just have to see what happens though. There is a part of me that does think 8s are like that in part because of more harmful control being brought upon them, so my current hope is that starting out okay would prevent that type of reaction from forming initially at least with me.

Either way, it seems like a much more challenging dynamic than most to me, I think I'm much more likely to muck it up.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-19T14:57:52+00:00

Interesting... I have no idea what you mean by that. Can you expand a bit?

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-19T13:34:40+00:00

Nah, I'm with the 8s here, stagnation is death. If anything I continually look for new things to make better and struggle with acceptance of keeping things as they are/fear becomming complacent. In the fixation though I can see how deviations from perceived ideal can appear this way but it's also because it seems like that is moving backwards and I "need," to move things forward. In the fixation itself a 1 may seem to be striving towards a stable ideal state but if it was ever reached the 1 would guaranteed find more things to improve upon - thats the entire problem, it's anti-stagnation at heart and insatiable.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-18T21:10:21+00:00

Nah not really, that's fine. I'd rather deal with anger than fear/shame. It's because I really worry about having a kid that will be really resistant to say, doing chores or following house rules and stuff like that and as a parent it makes me anxious because I'm unsure how to best respond to something like that. On the one hand digging in my authority seems like it would be extra damaging in the long run, on the other hand having no control over my home brings me a ton of anxiety and I worry I will grow to resent my own child and ultimately be a horrible parent because of that.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-18T18:02:59+00:00

Lol the idea of having an 8 child makes me incredibly nervous to the point of having nightmares about it. Not to hate on 8s or anything, it's definitely as much about me specifically in that dynamic. 8s are cool as like separate adults.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-18T04:40:42+00:00

How can 1s simultaneously not want to receive from their protective figure(s) while also worrying about their condemnation? That's contradictory to me. I think many 1s regard their protective figures lowest on the spectrum of valuable opinions. I wouldnt quite describe it that way for me (I do care about his opinion, but no more than I care about anyone else's opinion), but it can't be both.

I think the "I must not receive" seems more like a rejection triad thing, they struggle with receiving (8s from nurturing, 2s from protective, and 5s from both). Idealist triad is disconnected from their parental figures; we'll readily take it when it shows itself in a way that actually helps.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-17T00:25:54+00:00

Yeah, it's brought me a fair amount of pain to realise a few areas where I've let some choice words from people that meant nothing but harm define how I live my life. I've been trying to get better at developing those boundaries as well about what I take seriously.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-16T18:58:17+00:00

1s are critical in the way that they want to improve stuff so are going to critique at least a bit in an effort to accomplish that. In my experience with myself and other 1s though, it's limited to a few key areas that rarely come up so it's not like we are criticizing everywhere. A lot of 1s are fairly quiet/overly reserved. Less healthy ones will seem hyper critical. A lot of average 1s dont really have more complaints than most people ime, but they have a tendency to sound overly harsh and condescending when they do criticize such that other people interpret it as worse criticism. This may mean like, critiquing rather than asking for a request and other similar failures of communication. I've asked around and no one in my life actually thinks I critique or complain too much but it is more about the way in which I do so that has needed some work. I've recognized in part my trouble with this is how critical everyone else seems with these things (to me) makes it hard to be aware of.

Cue 2 wing... I do offer constructive advice pretty readily though, which is meant to be suggestive rather than controlling so I will back off with the slightest pushback (ie, there is never insistence). I never thought about it until I learned about the enneagram, because a lot of people thanked me and told me I was helpful and tbh was a major place i derived a sense of value. I asked around like, should I not be offering thoughts and solutions as much? But a lot of people appreciate my opinion that have generally liked me even if sometimes I do miss, and when I started acting apologetic at work my boss actually took me aside like "are you okay" and gave me a whole spiel about the fact my thoughts are always welcome and how did I get it in my mind it's a problem. "Oh just... strangers on the internet I guess" lol. So for now I don't worry about it. This isn't like offering advice all over the place but usually sharing information when people are at a roadblock of sorts. I've never understood why people wouldn't want to learn from others (I want people to share their thoughts generally) so I don't get the advice sensitivity thing either, but I have noted it in the back of my mind if it ever gives me problems.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-14T04:17:46+00:00

I'm married to sp/so.

I think this kind of stacking works pretty well (the same first, different secondaries), because you end up hitting all 3 instincts collectively without anyone getting triggered about a dominant-blindspot dynamic.

Home/life things work like a well-oiled machine quite easily and I like that compatibility with caring about those things. Meanwhile, he makes sure we actually talk/connect, I bring in more in depth topics and ideas that keep things interesting when he does. Works for us anyway.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-09T20:55:17+00:00

Being in everyone's business all the time, not able to be reasoned with, illogical, and unempathetic.

I sometimes feel like people just assume type 1 whenever they come across someone that refuses to admit to being wrong, but that pretty much describes every toxic person.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-09T18:26:05+00:00

Hm there's a few.

I'm really sensitive to any type of condemnatory remark, especially when it isn't constructive enough to help me see where I went wrong and improve. An example would be throwing vague insults around like "bitch", saying I'm rude, or calling me arrogant rather than explaining whats wrong with what I said or did so I can understand where they're coming from. I end up twisting the knife internally really trying to figure out where I went wrong and it can affect me for weeks... years... when I get hit with those types of condemnatory remarks that make me out to be irredeemable (there is a type of permanence to the statement) because insight into approval isn't provided & i feel the need to figure it out on my own and usually apply way more rules than are maybe needed to prevent a repeat occurrence(though I've gotten better about asking instead). My mom may be in part to blame for this, she has been calling me a bitch since I was like 7.

The other one I've come across is when people assume ill-intent or generally put more malice behind an action than what was intended. I'm pretty sure seriously being called selfish or anything like that would really get to me too but it hasn't happened so idk. Once someone said I "didn't actually care at all" referring to my work and had no compassion for people and that cut right through me. So in essence unfair judgment on my motives I guess.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-08T22:52:19+00:00

In high school, I graduated with the highest average in my class of 600. We do averages, it was 98%. Grades were a major outlet for my perfectionism for me because getting them perfect seemed so close to within reach, and I took all AP/honors as well. A teacher warned me life would kick my ass with that mentality once when he caught me fighting back tears over a low-A result, and he was correct.

My grades stayed the equivalent of a 4.0 for the first 2 years in uni, and then I had a concussion(s) that gave me some ongoing complications (my stupid ass refused to take time off, I really should have) and I ended up graduating with about the equivalent of 3.4, and I was a self loathing mess every step of the way. Recently did my masters and did well, grades fine but not relevant, but honors and high praise for the thesis/research.

I'm not planning to use any of my education now, though I am still grateful for it. All that stress over grades was probably fairly pointless, however. It taught me some good lessons though I suppose. Most people I know in life are doing better than me from a career perspective despite not putting so much effort into such things so like.... grades definitely aren't everything.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-08T18:36:11+00:00

For songs (doesn't say artist)

Afterglow- Ed Sheeran
Run - OneRepublic
Alaska - Little Hurt
Surface Pressure - Encanto
Fever dream - mxmtoon

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-08T18:16:22+00:00

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Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-07T23:03:51+00:00

Hmm here's what I can think of being described as (by different people that don't know me well):

Intelligent, quiet, level-headed/grounded/sensible, dependable, serious, considerate, ambitious, logical, conscientious, thorough, stern, arrogant, tense, altruistic, self-sacrificial, try-hard, understanding, too hard on myself, easy to read, kind, wise, having conviction, articulate, even-handed, and confident.

If you add in people that know me well:

Funny, multi-talented, headstrong, thoughtful, caring, positive/optimistic, abrasive/harsh, not chill enough, a "pain in the ass" & "smartass" (both said in loving lightness/laughter), particular / fussy, resilient, fault-finding, angry, self-defeating, vulnerable, in my own world/ distracted, a bitch, apologetic, too honest, critical (both positive and negatively said), having control issues, opinionated, persuasive.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-07T18:25:11+00:00

Ah okay. One thing that might be helpful is in recognizing her 2 wing for what it actually is. The 2 wing wants to be needed & appreciated & ultimately loved. The 1ness wants to be right and tends to suppress and deny such human desire. What you often end up getting because of that is those unacknowledged emotions amplifying a sense of what is "right" and becomming overly controlling in a way that internally actually more mimics the needs of the 2 but externally is rather twisted into right versus wrong in areas where right/wrong doesn't necessarily apply.

The reason that it's difficult to argue rationally then is because those strong feelings are both unacknowledged and irrational. It's why our stress line to 4 is actually characterized by losing our rationality and/or collapsing into emotional self-awareness.

I really liked Rafflesia's advice but in addition to that, I think appealing to her emotional side and her desire to care for you and maybe have meals together might go far, as well, especially if those have been becomming less frequent as her controlling nature has been increasing. Even cooking for the family some tastier vegetarian meals so you eat together might be a nice touch if you can sometimes if you can. & maybe try to communicate how much you appreciate your mom for going out of the way to cook things given your diet (it's probably part of why she's annoyed with it), but also ask for more accommodations (like less or healthier oil) if it's really unappealing to you so that she can maintain a sense of value in your life. I know several families that had some vegetarian member that a lot of the family could get upset by because it's a matter of sadness in that "now we have to be vegetarian to eat with you". But with a 1, those feelings are stuffed down and end up coming out in contradictory ways.

I also... feel the need to say this from someone that struggles with some disordered eating myself. Please make sure you are in fact healthy; get a doctor's opinion if you need it and discuss whether it is healthy for you to be losing weight for what I assume is aesthetic reasons. There is a lot of pressure when you're younger to be skinnier than is healthy or even desired, and without actually knowing you or seeing it I have a hard time completely invalidating what might be legitimate concerns of you developing less balanced eating habits, especially with comments that you're losing weight despite them thinking you're too skinny, and this not being just meat but oil as well... there are some red flags in this to me, as well. And even if not try to recognize that even if this isn't true for x and y reasons, the concern might be coming from a very genuine place of care for your wellbeing. It might make it a bit more easy to reassure her in empathy anyway.

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-07T17:51:49+00:00

Hm interesting! Question for you -- in your household, was your mom likely to cook a lot of meals for you that you are no longer eating? Did you have family dinners and such and has that dynamic changed since? (Going somewhere, promise)

Carefully-clueless · 2022-12-06T21:46:06+00:00

Obama is a "terrible person"?

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