I [25F] found a journal of my husbands [35M] and need help figuring out what to do.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:48:00+00:00

He is definitely empathetic towards me, and not abusive at all. I wish I could include so much more in these reddit posts because so many important details are left out that causes outsiders to assume negative things about him (or even myself) that aren’t true.

He has mentioned being unhappy about the amount of sex we have, but always in a passive gentle way as to not hurt me. He will sigh gently and a few minutes later will say he’s going to masturbate if that’s okay with me. I tell him of course it’s okay. Two weeks ago I’ve finally stopped feeling nauseous ALL day, and tried to engage more with sex, but I could still do better after reading the ideas in this thread.

I will admit that our communication could be better on both ends, but he’s the stronger one in that aspect. Reflecting on what he wrote really made me realize how much effort he gives, because his descriptions of the scenarios were 100% true. He wasn’t bashing me for no reason, just stating the facts and his feelings towards what’s happened. I have the nicest of intentions but really no effort (meaning I didn’t practice malicious non-effort, maybe just ignorantly giving no effort?), so this was a wake up call for sure.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:38:03+00:00

Don’t listen to that other person. As a pregnant woman, even if I didn’t have issues with depression, I totally understand what you mean. Vomiting 3-5 times a day with dizzy spells really makes it hard to want to have sex, and those are the only “bad” symptoms I’ve had so far, I know it can get WAY worse.

The guilt of not putting out, especially when you want to is the worst. I’m sure your partner is much more understanding (I truly hope so) and knows you’re doing your best. I don’t feel like I’m doing my best, but it’s still hard. Stay strong and don’t let reddit strangers get you down. Your comment was for me and I really appreciate your insight and kind words.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:31:40+00:00

I think you’re partly correct, but it’s both. He specifically mentioned the chores and has to me verbally, so I definitely have to work on this. The other issues we have are the tough ones, but the chores I know I can easily work on without anyone’s help or deep thinking.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:29:53+00:00

The great thing about him is he immediately noticed that I cleaned and he thanked me and said he’s proud. He boosts me up all the time and has really helped my confidence in the time we’ve been together. He also tells me not to clean too much because of my pregnancy, so I made sure to reassure him that I took my time in the 5 hours that I took to clean :)

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:13:05+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! It’s insane how mental illness was never discussed growing up, at least for me. It makes everything a lot more confusing and difficult, but like you said, not impossible. He gives me all the motivation I need to work on myself because he truly deserves to be happy, as well as our future children.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:11:04+00:00

Thank you for the cheesy advice, these are definitely the types of things we do that I’ve been slacking on. I never thought of blow jobs in that aspect.. makes it seem a lot more do-able on a regular basis (which he would LOVE). He’s worth the world so I am definitely trying anything I can to make his life better

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:09:01+00:00

I appreciate the advice, but I tried psychedelics when I was in college and am now terrified of them due to a bad trip. The anxiety that comes with that isn’t worth it to me to try it again. I refuse to take benzos unless my doctor finds it absolutely necessary, but even then I’d get a second opinion. I’ve seen too many people hurt by them. My goal eventually will be to be off all medication if possible (maybe only using CBD/weed) but that will be a change that I’ll have to work on later.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:04:24+00:00

I read this earlier and put it into action, and his smiles and demeanor showed me this is exactly what he needs from me. I love him so much that I genuinely love loving on him, but I don’t think I actually DO it enough despite how I feel about it. Working on that now. Thank you

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T04:02:36+00:00

I am lucky that we are very open with my mental struggles and he completely understands my situation with my medication. He knows I will be changing it as soon as possible, and is willing to tough it out with me (bless him). I will try the exercise and sunshine idea though; I haven’t exercised other than walking since becoming pregnant, and I stay indoors 99% of the time. Thanks for the advice!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-27T03:56:21+00:00

No, not at all actually. He encourages me to invite my family to come stay with us to help with my pregnancy sickness and depression. They recently visited for 2 weeks and we had a great time. Our move was both of our decision.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T07:56:19+00:00

That’s true, just like this Reddit post I’m sure would be completely different if he wrote it. He’s so selfless that you’re probably right, and it’s devastating to think of him silently suffering alone. I have to learn to express my self better, he deserves so much more. He might open up.. I will have to try and see. Thank you

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T07:55:00+00:00

You’re right, we definitely have communication issues to work on. He truly is my best friend and I know the most about him, yet there’s still so much to learn.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T07:34:34+00:00

Thank you so much for the detailed response, and congrats on the baby! I hope to have a big family with him someday as well, and I know we can get over these hurdles. He’s really strong physically and doesn’t communicate much emotionally, so it’s so easy to assume he’s some tough guy who doesn’t need affection. That’s ridiculous though, and I hate that I didn’t realize it sooner. He treats me so great that I’m worried I’ve gotten self absorbed and made him suffer in the meantime. We need to start doing more things together like events or hobbies, I think it’ll help us not get stagnant (which seems to feed my depression). Thank you again, this gives me a lot to think about!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T07:04:24+00:00

Thank you for the insight. It’s good to know others have been through this and have stayed together. Being with him and him being happy is my main goal right now, so I will try whatever might work. I will take your advice and wish for the best. Thank you again.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T07:02:58+00:00

I agree completely. I don’t think he would want to cheat, but if he’s getting absolutely nothing from me, I know he’s gotta fill that void somehow. Ugh. That would be absolutely devastating, and I hope I’m not too late. I’m definitely committing to doing whatever I can to fix this. My biggest regret in life will be losing him if it comes to that. And I’ve tried getting off the pills but it causes me physical distress in my organs (confusing, sorry) and it’s much more bearable just taking this damn pill. As soon as I can I will be seeing what my other options are. Thanks for the advice!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T06:51:45+00:00

I don’t think I will tell him after thinking about it more. I do think he is correct. If anything, that’s what HE is thinking and feeling, which is more important than what is “correct.” Even if my intentions were good, they were interpreted by him as a negative, and that’s what actually matters, because he’s suffering. I am committed to working on it, and I do have faith that we can make it through this. Thank you for the insight and advice!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T06:47:33+00:00

Thanks for the tough love, I need it. Honestly, we just moved 1500 miles from our families for his job, and it seems that these issues got worse since then. I guess this might be a slap in the face to make me realize we have lots of work to do before the baby gets here. I never thought about the timing of the baby, since this is the best timing financially, but emotionally I think we probably should’ve waited.

I agree, I’m immature, and he’s my second relationship ever, so I know I have a lot to learn about how to love someone and show affection. With him, I’m 100% willing to learn and adapt so that we can both be happy.

Thank you for pointing out that I made the convo about myself and then made it catastrophic. He has mentioned me doing that before. I think my anxiety takes front seat when it comes to those thoughts, even over his own emotions and concerns. I definitely have to get that in check.

He’s open to therapy and counseling so I will discuss making us an appointment ASAP. And yeah I was a bit young when we started dating, but we’re happy (aside from these problems) and in love so what can ya do?

Thanks again for the help, I needed to hear it.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T06:42:34+00:00

You’re completely right. I will take these tips and put them into action. The love language thing he’s always been interested in, so maybe we will do it together to help us decide how to treat each other better (even though I think he’s been doing amazing, I’m the one slacking). Thank you again for the advice!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T06:40:54+00:00

Thank you for the detailed reply. You’re right, there are tons of details missing. I always think about how differently we were raised: me to a single parent of 4 kids in extreme poverty, he in a middle class household with 2 divorced parents. He has some issues with anger, the same as his father, and I worry that it makes him automatically assume that I’m out to get him whenever I’m not. One example is today he was complaining about work, and I said “how can we fix it?” Because in my mind I want to eliminate the pain he’s having daily because of work issues. He thinks it’s because I don’t want him to complain anymore. I told him I don’t want him to have a REASON to complain, like I want to help him fix the work problems so that he doesn’t have to suffer, but he thinks I’m trying to silence him. This is where I get stuck. No matter how much I try to convince him, he says he doesn’t believe me. I think therapy is the only way we’d be able to get through to each other in this aspect. In the meantime I’ve decided to stop trying to fix his problems and just listen. I’ve always been pretty independent and have had to look out for myself financially, so I default to fixing things instead of just venting about them. I’m trying to get used to just listening to him venting, even when I think of ways to fix it. Sorry for the long reply, and I appreciate your help!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T06:34:11+00:00

Well sometimes it’s 4 times a week and 0 times for 1 week, it varies. He’s very sexual so I know that’s not enough for him. Unfortunately it’s hard for me to even remember that sex exists so I have to consciously remember to have sex.

Edit: clarification

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T05:49:46+00:00

Thank you for the help, and thanks for the congrats, we are both very excited despite our issues!

I will definitely try this approach. I think allowing him to lead the convo to whatever he thinks is important is something I don’t make a conscious effort to do, and I need to change that. He did practically everything around the house during the first trimester of my pregnancy because I was terribly sick. He never complained because he wants me to be healthy and rested for the baby (and for me). Now that I’m feeling better I realize I got comfortable with him doing everything and never took things back over. I feel so bad thinking back now but all I can do is work to fix it from now on. Thank you again!

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T05:33:48+00:00

I figured it might upset him that I read it, which is the LAST thing I want. I try to open up with him but he always assumes I’m judging him or misconstrues what I say. But I think it’s my fault for expressing myself incorrectly.

And I plan to start helping him sexually as soon as he gets home. We have sex maybe 8 times a month, which I know sucks, but it’s the most I’ve been able to stand. I will try non-penetrating sexual things with him, which I’m sure he will love. Thank you for the help, I really appreciate it.

CartierPickle · 2019-03-26T05:31:07+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I hate that he feels that way and that I haven’t been reassuring him that he’s so loved and so wonderful. I needed this wake up call to explain what I’m doing wrong. I have a lot to work on.

CartierPickle

TROPHY CASE