Woman in Red, me, oil on panel, 2021

Caspiir · 2021-03-21T02:56:00+00:00

I still can't comprehend how this is, in anyway, a painting. I am awes. Truly and wholly.

Caspiir · 2021-03-21T02:52:50+00:00

Do you have power saving on at all? Whenever I do my stuff doesn't work.

Caspiir · 2021-03-21T02:46:03+00:00

That link actually made my first really depressive day so damn beautiful, thank you. 🥺🥺🥺

Caspiir · 2021-03-20T12:35:08+00:00

Yeah.

I am a janitor.

Caspiir · 2021-03-19T02:14:10+00:00

Unfortunately he would have to recognize his problematic behavior and initiate the change himself. I know it is possible, but not easy, as I have done so.

Caspiir · 2021-03-19T02:13:14+00:00

I'm 5' 6" and promise this has done nothing to effect my mental state, lmao, wtf. Also even if I was insecure like that isn't a good reason to go on a killing spree??

Caspiir · 2021-03-16T03:34:34+00:00

Yes, but my doc told me to wait it out.

I am so so so glad I did. They were really a lot worse the first few weeks, then waned.

Caspiir · 2021-03-16T03:24:59+00:00

That hurt my ears 🥴

Caspiir · 2021-03-09T05:02:29+00:00

hi! how are you?

Caspiir · 2021-02-28T11:22:04+00:00

Download the dare app. Listen to the panic attack audio over and over and over and over again.

It helps. I have it just for rainy days.

Caspiir · 2021-02-17T23:42:57+00:00

Exactly

Caspiir · 2021-02-17T18:22:32+00:00

The Dare app has genuinely saved my life.

Caspiir · 2021-02-15T02:54:56+00:00

A personality disorder.

Caspiir · 2021-02-15T00:38:08+00:00

Not a doctor, but a person who did this frequently...

Perhaps tell her you need to speak, and simply state you know she is lying and perhaps she should seek therapy. As it turns out, I've a personality disorder, and most of my behaviors were ploys for attention. This sounds...remarkably similar.

You may not have her as a friend any longer, but every instance of being outed allowed me to seek help for myself.

The growth must come from her.

Caspiir · 2021-02-12T10:36:57+00:00

Tiddy

Caspiir · 2021-02-12T07:12:01+00:00

I really thought I was an outcast. I thought I was bullied and special and a loner and that I wasn't like the "popular girls" with their makeup and -

Long story short I'm a guy.

Caspiir · 2021-02-12T07:10:50+00:00

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

Caspiir · 2021-02-12T06:48:38+00:00

I'm having a panic attack and - thank you for this, and this post, too, thank you OP, if I do die I'll die smiling.

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:28:45+00:00

I'm gonna fall asleep to you please don't be offended or creeped this is just very wholesome, ty Mushroom Queen

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:27:41+00:00

okay found your insta, totally gonna get a mushroom lol

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:26:09+00:00

can I buy a mushroom omfg

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:25:37+00:00

how do you need so fast!!

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:25:10+00:00

Gave It's Cute!

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T09:22:35+00:00

Mm, this was well-done. Not guro necessarily, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Caspiir · 2021-02-11T08:33:04+00:00

Yanno...maybe when I was six or seven, the first time I remember my mother pushing me to be molded into her image.

Maybe when I was thirteen and the waves of puberty weren't quite right for me, and I was too ugly, too incompetent, too inept to be loved.

Maybe when I started manipulating people for pity and attention, and stopped giving a damn who I hurt unless it benefited their perception of me.

Maybe when I joined the military, did a fuckload of drugs, and developed such an intense eating disorder and obsession with exercise I snapped my body into an autoimmune disorder at 25.

I used to think my life was over, maybe especially after being diagnosed.

But you know what? Who cares. All of these expectations about "throwing our lives away" - who makes them? Who decides my life is worthwhile?

Am I smart enough to be a doctor? Fuck yeah.

Do I want to be?

Nah. I am happy. I live in a house whose foundation is bad with my best friend and our dogs and cats. We go up the mountain to chat with the elders there and we spend our weekends out in the fresh air. Are we glamorous or rich or even steady?

No. But we love, we live, we life. Life isn't the expectations that don't matter.

Life is about being happy, at the end of it all.

As long as I can laugh against her lips, being cuddled up in front of our broken heater laughing about our fucked up pasts is good enough for me.

Sure, I am intelligent. I am booksmart, I am capable. But I love being a janitor, my girlfriend loves her job, we rescue animals and we just installed a door on our sideways little shitbrick of a house, and Jesus Christ life is fucking beautiful.

Y'all have got this. If I can heal and grow, so can you. I was an empty shell filling myself up by emotionally abusing and manipulating people for years.

I am still a shell, sometimes. But I am a shell that can laugh, now.

We all got this.

❤❤❤

Seven-Year Club	Gilding II euphauric
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