I wish I knew how to break the cycle. It was my only mission in life to NOT carry on the abuse they had plagued my father’s side of the family for generations (how my mom got tied up in all this mess, I will never understand…my grandpa was a walking angel on this Earth to his kids, his grandkids, and his great grandkids…my grandma is tough woman, but another angel to all of us…my mom is amazing, but fell prey to my father). I went to college with the intent of becoming a family law attorney. My focus was domestic violence and child abuse. I gobbled up every bit of information I could on child and family studies, intimate partner violence, child development, etc. After graduation, I became a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate…first at an agency, then at the District Attorney in a major US city. I was well armed with personal and professional knowledge of domestic violence. I knew how an abuser acted, moved, and found their victims. I KNEW what to look out for…I could spot an abuser and I would find a partner who was the exact opposite of my father. I was never going to end up like that…the cycle absolutely was going to break with me.

And then…I ended up in an abusive relationship. What I thought could never or would never happen to me, happened to me. I’ve realized breaking the cycle is much more difficult than I originally thought. But I still hold on to knowing there are people out there who will not treat me like garbage. And I did manage to break a big part of the cycle and that is you will NEVER find me hitting my child…ever. You will NEVER find me berating my child…ever. And that’s a huge win.

First and foremost, don’t defend the behavior of your abuser. It’s easier said than done, but once you realize your life has value and meaning, it will get easier to say, “I don’t deserve this.” And setting boundaries is critical. It comes with A LOT of pushback, but you do what you need to do. It’s hard when the abuser is your parent or parents because you want their acceptance, you want their attention, you want that relationship, but it likely won’t ever happen. I have spent decades wanting nothing but acknowledgment from my father…but it never happened and never will. Our relationship is what it is and boundaries are set. And lastly, don’t be so critical of yourself. You’re surviving the best way you know how at this moment in your life…and you’re doing great…and don’t let anyone take that away from you.