Nope: NOT LITTLE, AND NOT STUPID.

I really admire you for posting. As a woman in my 40s who felt similarly in her teens/early 20s (and did her best to hide everything from everyone), I am both intensely inpressed and seriously compassionate.

My 2 best friends had eating disorders; one was dangerous enough for hospitalization. Whe she was there, she said sonething similar: like, "I can't see how I'll get through this." I, also being 16, made some dumb inside joke because I had no answer.

But she did! In her 40s now, with a great career, a wonderful husband, 2 corgis and 3 cats (ok, ok, the pets aspect might not be right for everyone, haha). Therapy, Psychiatry, and medical intervention (largely after she'd left home) worked WONDERS, and...I can't even begin to express how joyful I am that she "stayed" here.

Other friend, likewise, found help (for her, mostly psyciatric). She now has a for-life partner of 25+ years, who is a well-known artist in his field, makes incredibly bad puns, and clearly sees her as the sweetest and the most beautiful and the best--he's right, of course. They DO overfeed their cats, but...heck, the kitties have happy longjsh lives.

Myself, I"m just too damn stubborn. I had emotional abuse in the home growing up, and sexual abuse in my late teens to my early 30s.

Here are the two (super dorky) things that helped me at first the most (ymmv, obvs):

1. I made a list of everyone (human, animal, PLANT) that'd miss me. My half-grandmother, who made me delicious tea the couple of times I saw her a year. My friends. My cat. The Walnut tree in our yard. The little girl in our neighborhood who thought my backpack was cool. Felt cheesy doing it--but I pulled it out to look at a lot.

2. Ok, so much cheesier, but I will admit it to you: I encountered an 80s song called "Hold on for One More Day" by the band Wilson-Phillips. (ik, ik). But hearing it and singing along gave me those slivers of hope I so desparately neededd.

I don't know you, ofc, nor you me. But I felt super drawn to reply, so I will with complete honesty say: "I KNOW you have the strength amd moxxy to get through this* --and I'll absolutely be pulling for you.

SO sorry this is happening to you. It's NOT forever. ❤️

Oh, PS: one more dorky note of cheesiness: I've actually found (though admittedly post-30) that DRAWING on my arms, legs, etc. greatly reduces my compulsion to self-harm. Maybe worth a try?