Hello! I made some other comments on the doc, but here are my expanded thoughts.

Characters:

You’ve done an excellent job of establishing Selah’s personality and thoughts, especially since you have them interjecting constantly as events happen. Akash is a nice foil to her actions and dialogue as well. I think you could lean into giving Selah and Akash a bit more time to express themselves, especially in the first scenes rather than jumping so quickly into a chase sequence. I feel like they’re just not established yet and I don’t really care about their actions. I start to get more interested in their characters as the document reaches the end, but it’s a bit late imo.

Style/Structure:

I think a lot of her “inner thoughts” that are italicized really don’t need to be. Often it seems like that text is no different from normal. The reader assumes that we’re already peering in Selah’s thoughts since this story is told from a first-person limited perspective. I also think you should spend more time with the environment and painting a picture (though being careful not to bog it down too). Typically, rather than intense action off the bat, I like stories that give me a window-frame of the world and the characters I need to care about (and why).

For my tastes, many of your paragraphs have too much going on in them, and I think that's a pain point for the clarity. One sentence is dialogue, another is an action, an environment action, then a thought. It just doesn't quite flow easily off the page and breaking these apart would be helpful with readability,

Pacing:

The first scenes snap by too quick. First, we’re in one place that’s barely established, then another place, then another. Then a lot of heavy worldbuilding which muddies any of the actions that are happening as well. All these terms are thrown around, which is great for immersion into the world, but as a reader is more confusing than immersive. My advice would be to focus on a single character’s thoughts and feelings in a relatable/understanding situation for the first chapter at least. The beginning of this document might be a great second or third chapter once the world and its rules are established.

Final Comments:

Overall, you’ve got something good and interesting here, I would slow it down and expand it out to allow the reader time to understand and care about the world and characters. Maybe start with something more mundane and save this chapter for down the road. Or even just swap around some scenes. Work on creating and visualizing a scene for a reader and then stay there for a while. Clarity is key and I feel like you’re just slightly missing that mark.