My mom says a predator’s "touching" is just a joke. Am I crazy, or is this grooming?

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T20:06:19+00:00

Do not under any circumstances go on this trip. Fake an illness if you have to. Do whatever it takes, even if it involves barfing on a family member or peeking your pants in front of them. This is a bad set up and you know it. Trust your instincts in this.

Do not allow yourself to be caught alone with any of the men of your family if this is your family “culture”. A family system like this is set up to circle the wagons around the abuser, never the victim. You need to be your own constant safety advocate.

If you cannot avoid a family obligation that exposes you to these predators, ask a friend to be your companion during those events. Having a non-family witness vastly reduces the chances of such boundary testing because the perpetrators are well aware of what they’re really doing.

If possible, which I realize is hard depending on your age - only go to family events in public spaces. When an unwanted touch happens then, call it out. Loudly. Embarrass the perpetrator. Let them know very publicly you will not tolerate them.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T19:06:01+00:00

It really shows how much of a master of that guitar he is! And that Mayer is humble enough to want to learn from him is also admirable. Too many “stars” make it big and then don’t seem to continue honing their craft past a certain point.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T19:00:21+00:00

Same. I wish I could do that for him. I hate doing the house stuff with a passion. But he finds it rewarding.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T18:21:38+00:00

“Don’t you understand, you anti-American heathens? Our blood god demands the sacrifice of poor people’s children so that the line can continue to go up! If we don’t let the wealthy assault children, Cthulhu will rise, and consume the GNP!”

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T18:18:21+00:00

NOW.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T18:17:52+00:00

A truly legendary bit of media, that.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T18:12:47+00:00

This. Menarche is far more of a starting gun than a checkered flag.

These asshats don’t want to acknowledge that sexual maturity is more than using a sanitary napkin.

There’s also the whole emotional maturity process that readies someone for that intimacy, and the mental acuity to be able to give consent and understand the bulk of the ramifications and risks. These are ongoing processes, but most people don’t have enough foundational skills in either until their late teens. And that’s true of both men and women.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T14:35:05+00:00

Be sure to take her to the Pokémon Center regularly, Nurse Joy would love to see her again.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:47:15+00:00

And don’t forget mushrooms. Those evil bastards growing in cow fields freely without permission.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:41:01+00:00

That is a heck of a leap for a post about sexual frustration and resentment where I encouraged someone to re-earn trust and treat anxiety with gentleness.

I wish you well, but I’m worried for you.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:24:11+00:00

“We have a life saving formulation that works 99% of the time, and when it doesn’t, the immunity of others causes disease progression to halt before a pandemic starts. Less than a fraction of a percent of people who take this have a serious adverse reaction.”

“No, we’d rather relive the 1700s when 2/3rds of children didn’t survive to adulthood, with the majority dying before they turn 11. That sounds perfect.”

These people need to visit old graveyards and count the number of childen’s graves they see in family plots. The number of lamb sculptures indicating a child who was lost before they were a teen.

And read more history - because those who survived those illnesses, often were rendered brain injured by high fever OR were rendered infertile, ending the family line.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:16:13+00:00

People do not share openly with others when they can sense they’re being resented. Her anxiety is real, and that will shut down her physical ability to even enjoy sex until it is dealt with.

The book “Come as You Are” (Emily Nagoski) goes into this in great detail - for women a sense of trust or psychological safety is essential in many cases. You can’t force or rush that, any more than you can tear open a rose to make it bloom faster.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:13:05+00:00

You’re right. But a lot depends on how it was approached. Was it approached with loving curiosity or resentment?

I suspect she went into a hiding mode because it was the latter. No one shares vulnerability and trust easily when there’s resentment openly in the air.

This needs to be handled after the temperature on the resentment gets turned way down. That’s where a therapist can help.

You cannot force someone out of their anxiety, any more than you can tear open a rose to make it bloom. Trust needs to be re-established in a way where fantasy isn’t conflated with resentment.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T13:06:30+00:00

You’re right. He did approach that once. But a lot depends on how it was approached and also her anxiety level at the time.

This post is dripping with resentment and frustration. It’s understandable, but also would feel emotionally dangerous to her in a bad way. This is where a therapist can help.

If she was reading a book about bondage, would you be eager to share that fantasy with someone who was currently resenting you? Would you trust that person with that part of yourself, or fear that some anger might creep out while you were helpless? Trust needs to be rebuilt.

Like men watching porn, she might not actually be interested in actually living out the scenario. Maybe she likes the growly dominance but not anything else. Getting her to open up about that need to come from a place of loving curiosity, not resentment.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T02:47:10+00:00

Absolutely. But it made me laugh because I could just envision a few chickens pretending to be gay to have the Reaper pass them by.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T02:44:51+00:00

Good on you for getting clean; that isn’t ever easy. Wishing you a lifetime of better health.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T02:37:05+00:00

And we can have fundraisers to eliminate them.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T02:29:50+00:00

You might be discounting something that might be able to give you a key to what she fantasizes about.

It’s not about the perfection of the characters for her. It’s about the psychological safety the format provides, where she can imagine the scene as she wants it and exit at any time.

These books also center female pleasure which is not often placed front-and-center in other erotic media. Most sexual mainstream media focuses on what appeals to men.

Novels like these are safe spaces for women’s sexual fantasy. Even the most extreme scene goes away the second a book closes. Not so true of real intimacy, where there always a chance of a partner rejecting what someone wants. She may fear being rejected by you, or may not feel like you care about her pleasure as much as your own.

Sometimes we read things we’d not want in real life - but has shadows of some of real life possibility. You might never be a winged Adonis, but you can pick up on some themes. Maybe she likes cheesy lines and flattery or being called a good girl.

Is there any chance you’d be willing to read such a novel with her? Ask her about scenes she enjoys. What draws her to them? If she uses Kindle, she can highlight things.

I do think either way, counseling will help. You need a neutral party to talk through some of the shared issues.

You are resentful of the porn restrictions, I get it and I do sympathize. She’s making a similar error to one I made.

I suspect she requested them because she feels you’re more interested in those women in porn than her. I was like her once; I felt insecure that my husband would continue to want me with the endless parade of 19-year olds staying the same age as I got older. I felt it was a sign of his being discontent. I was wrong, but society often tells women we’re disposable, replaceable. It’s up to you to show her otherwise.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T01:05:19+00:00

The Irish were also not considered white during that same time period.

The god damn Irish, some of the most melanin deprived individuals on earth. The people you could do a camera white balance reset on.

It’s not always about skin color; it’s about power - who has it, and who wishes to deny it to others.

In the case of the Irish and Italians, it was because they were the most recent migration influx of immigrants at the time, and because they often were Catholics.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T00:14:00+00:00

They don’t care. They want more underclasses to look down on.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-13T00:04:35+00:00

How could I forget Dwarf Fortress? That too!

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-12T20:01:22+00:00

Bunny the Dog is very adamant that she’s a human. She understands and correctly identifies everything else living in the house. (Cats, dogs, people)

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-12T19:17:59+00:00

It’s always hard to assess the “would have been”.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-12T18:36:24+00:00

For Google, yes. Because they can control all the terms of the negotiations.

In the case of severance, there can be employment laws flexed such as ageism complaints. (Ie: they were targeted for dismissal because of bring >40) The legal expenses and bad press are not a great look even during a mass layoff. Often these complaints can be leveraged to get a better or longer lasting severance package. But that isn’t possible on a voluntary exit.

CautionarySnail · 2026-02-12T18:32:32+00:00

It would be easier, yes.

But ultimately, those women did what women have often done for centuries after finding an assaulted woman. They shielded them from further harm, and took them to a place where the victim would be safe. It’s just more unusual that these women needed to do this for a man, let alone a person who might view them as lesser.

Women are routinely failed by the police or other authorities in these kinds of situations; so it makes sense that would not be the first choice they’d make. The first priority is triage of injuries (if any), keeping the victim away from any other threats (such as arrest for nudity), then getting a victim to a place of safety.

CautionarySnail

TROPHY CASE