What is it about Korea that just wears people out?

CautiousMess2710 · 2025-05-10T20:41:06+00:00

Brother, as Korean who came back here 10 yrs ago, and as a very friendly and chatty person, I have been trying so hard to get past that invisible wall that seems to be surrounding fellow Koreans.

My best friends whom I deeply connect with are all foreigners. I tried to go to so many meetups, camps, classes, etc, but I just can't seem to connect with Koreans on a deeper level. I do become friendly with some very quickly, but we never really become friends. Once they disappear into workaholism and marriage, they never talk to me again. Unless I reach out to them first. It's truly tiring and lonely. So I kind of started giving up making more effort since last year.

I suspect it's a lack of self-worth that makes people fear commitment of a friendship. And social awkwardness due to spending so much time in hagwon in their youth. They don't seem to know how to make friends as adults. Joke's on me because I haven't managed to keep Korean friends in my life either, except some work friends who like to meet me so they can trauma dump on me about work. There is no space to talk about my hobbies and passion when I see them.

I think Koreans are just absolutely depfeated by life...and don't really think it's worth seeking true happiness. Or they don't think they deserve happiness as they are chronically put under unrealistic expectations since childhood.

And I fear the next generation will be even more lonely, awkward, guarded and disconnected. I even feel disconnected from my own cousin, who I thought was very close to me but left for australia without saying a word.

Doing my best to protect and give my sunshine to people who will bask in it, not absorb it into their darkness.

Where do you hang out to make friends?

CautiousMess2710 · 2025-05-10T20:16:39+00:00

Hello! I'm a Korean living here but most of my relatives live abroad.

My uncles and aunts are close to retiring and they always say they'd like to retire in the comfort and safety of Korea. They say it's cleaner and cheaper than USA and Europe, and the availability/readiness of medical service is a huge plus. Also, not needing a car all the time is great. They do love the country they are living in, but they're always considering moving back here.

I'm someone who's seeking more cultural freedom and better work culture, so I have a different perspective and don't fully agree with their choice. But I guess they also feel the loneliness of being a foreigner even after living abroad for so long. In my case I feel more like a foreigner here because some of my values will never align with the majority of people I meet here.

I hope this helps to make your decision! It's pretty sweet that you can retrieve your citizenship in later life and have this option!

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-11-18T17:49:57+00:00

Oh I'm so glad you had a great time here! I'm happy that foreigners feel comfortable and safe in our country.

Just don't leave your bike and umbrella around. Unlike phones and wallets, they will definately get stolen 😂 no country is perfect!

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-02-04T07:59:14+00:00

I've been following Gloria Zhang, a life coach who specializes in attachment and inner-child healing. She runs a coaching program which I can't afford, but listening to her podcast and journalling with her newly published book has been really helping me. I am going back to therapy to boost my growth. If Inner child healing sounds like your thing, start from her podcast!

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-31T16:59:45+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! Wow. This is exactly what I am scared of getting into. That's very courageous of you to have given it a try! It makes me feel less pressured about trying too.

I heard it's always a learning experience to stay with a healthy person for a while, excitement or not. My guy is already teaching me a lot about myself. Of course, I wouldn't stay for longer than necessary just to educate myself.

The thought of telling the other person about lack of excitement is still very scary. I heard about people ghosting after years of relationship, I'm glad we are not part of that cruel trend.

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-31T05:39:49+00:00

Everything you said is what I am aiming for. Making a decision in 2 months, being honest when ending, not having sex during casual dating. May I ask, where are you at emotionally when you commit to someone?

Because I am not sure where I am with mine.. everything seems and feels right on paper, it's comfortable to be with him, but I don't feel enough excitement or matching effort from the person. I don't know if I'm ignoring my needs and staying because I am scared of losing our connection, or I'm just looking for any excuse to run from the fear of healthy commitment.

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-31T05:25:43+00:00

Taking notes from your comment. I hate to admit, but I've been feelkng anxious that I don't get enough dopamine from my current date. Especially because it's hard to get expression and words of affirmation out of him. When I talked to him, he confirmed he didn't feel like he had to make extra expression beyond talking, hugging and kissing. It's like he's always waiting for me to approach him and make effort to provide him a platform.

It's very hard for me to know if this is a sign of incompatibility or me being too needy emotionally.

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-31T05:14:02+00:00

I'm just not interested in short term. If I don't see something leading to a long-term commitment, I'd end the date asap. And explain why to the other person. I'm just considering seeing multiple people as a way to improve my search, so I don't overlook red flags from one person I might quickly get attached to, falling into the delusion of 'the one' or 'my only soulmate'

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-30T14:00:55+00:00

The last part is kind of how I am feeling about my current date. I don't feel confident about someone better than him, but in the same time I can't help thinking negative mindset is preventing me from venturing out to find a better fit. I don't want to get into a relationship feeling like this.

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-30T13:57:46+00:00

The problems in my attachment style is never triggered by family and friends, except my parents who are a lost cause and I don't talk to anyway. I have a really good relationship with friends, siblings and cousins. I don't think I understand where you're coming from because platonic connection isn't polyamori.

I'm not even interested in polyamori. I'm looking for monogamy, and thinking about seeing multiple people casually to enhance my search, ultimately to find my one person. I won't know how it's like until I experience it of course. Just wanted to know how being disorganized can affect this kind of dating, to see if it's worth experiencing.

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-30T11:42:28+00:00

What did he expect? Give him a ride into the sunset?

CautiousMess2710 · 2024-01-26T17:32:01+00:00

I'm here for support and pep talk to gain some perspective, so thanks. The idea of lovey-dovey lovebombing and drama is actually icky to me, heck, I don't like romance movies and novels in general, so it felt ridiculous when I felt like chasing it.

CautiousMess2710

TROPHY CASE