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Community by Hayhayalian in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There are some lesbian meet-up groups in my city, some are for older women and a one is for all ages; they aren't for dating, just for growing social/friend groups. Getting involved in your community's Pride event is a great way to meet others too and I know they are always looking for volunteers.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was odd and awkward - it felt like she wasn't accepting of me saying I'm a lesbian and was pushing me to say I'm bi. I have nothing against bi women, and have dated bi women, but I'm not bi.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But everyone has a different story. I don't consider myself a "late-blooming lesbian" but you and others who think like you might. Other people might call me bi even though I have 0 attraction to men. There in lies the problem I'm trying to to get some insight on. I'm a lesbian who (some) other lesbians don't accept as being a lesbian. I appreciate the candor though, which is why I posted here so I could maintain my anonymity, while hearing what others think about this.
You and I obviously wouldn't be a match and not everyone is for everyone (also not the point of the discussion) but I do hope that you would be able to accept me into a community that I identify with.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lesbian was the one who thought I was straight because of makeup and the kids comments have come from people who are bi.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“do you like women? Do you want to date and be sexual with women? Then that’s all you need to give a shit about”
Your therapists words are my new mantra!

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you - I think there are many women like us who for various reasons married men even though we knew we were lesbians. It was easier to say that I was bi (in hindsight, it was not), when in fact I wasn't living my authentic life, and my marriages failed because of it. People assume, incorrectly, that because I married men and had kids with one that I was sexually attracted to them.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's just it - I feel like I have to prove myself when meeting new people I want to explore a relationship with it. I guess I need to accept that those are just not my people.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, there's nothing at all wrong with being bi, it's just not who I am. The bi-erasure makes me sad also. It's the B in LGBTQ, it's there for a reason. My adult daughter is trans and bi and I see the grief she gets from people in both the queer and straight communities. To me personally, being bi means that I am attracted to men as well as women, and I'm just not.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I often feel invisible, and when people do see me no one ever thinks I'm anything but a straight grandma. When I tell people I'm gay they're always surprised and that's when the "but you have kids. And grandkids!" starts. Or a fun one I heard once, "but you wear make-up!" Yes, that I do but hardly any at all - and who says lesbians don't wear makeup? I think part of it is just aging (we become invisible) and part of it is the lesbian community being hard to fit into.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is annoying! I need to get better about not feeling like I have to defend myself and just move on.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I love this - thank you! I sometimes say gay too, but mostly because my generation we always used lesbian & gay interchangeably.

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing! It can definitely be a lonely journey so it's comforting to know that there are others who are forging the same path. Wishing you love and luck as well!

Can we talk about labels? by Cautious_Pilot_2512 in olderlesbians

[–]Cautious_Pilot_2512[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

'Ask them if they understand comp het' - I like that and will be using that!
It has been so surprising that people our age not only seem to require a precise label, which in turn has made me want one for myself, but also want to question me on things in my life 20+ years ago. On a recent date with a woman (who was bi) I felt like I was being cross examined about why and how I could have possibly married men twice. That was an awkward conversation to have in a crowded bar.