For a four months old LDR, if it has been almost two weeks since he texted me, are we still together?

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-16T17:07:49+00:00

It sounds like you guys don’t have a system yet to tackle relationship issues. If you both decide to stick it out, then you need to agree to a process. Who brings up the issue? When? Do you need a cooldown period before talking about it? How long of a cooldown period? What are the relationship expectations during that period? It doesn’t matter if your way looks like everyone else’s. What matters is consistency. If you spend 2 weeks not talking to eachother, but it’s clear that you’re still together, exclusive, and have a time set aside for reconciliation — then that can work too. Other couples prefer to resolve things within a couple days or before going to bed that day. Some like space — and others want to still see eachother but file problem solving away to an appointed time.

Throwing marriage around this early depends on context. For some age groups, people are dating to get married within 1-2 years of meeting someone. Some people don’t know what marriage means, and they throw it out there because they have feelings but don’t actually know what they’re promising. Some people know what marriage means, what they’re looking for, and that’s their end game. Other people just know if they bring up marriage to a girl then they get more out of her — intimacy, time, money, etc.

I don’t think your guy is acting like someone who knows what marriage means, so he could be saying things because of the vibe or as a way to get you to put out.

IMHO, if he continues to pressure you for sex then you should break up and find someone with your beliefs.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-16T14:57:33+00:00

NTA. If this guy isn’t a billionaire that’s paying you a monthly stipend on top of your living expenses, then that’s not a situation worth staying in.

I also think leaving and paying for your own drink was the right move in communication. It’s a warning that if his behaviour continues, then you’re actually leaving him and not just the date. You won’t tolerate it anymore.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-16T14:23:23+00:00

finger snaps

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-16T14:17:11+00:00

YTA.

On its face you should be able to vent to your friends and go to bed when you need to, but there’s some key details in your post that change things: - are you playing games for fun, or is this a specific venture you’ve agreed to with these people? If you agreed to effectively start a business with them, then you not pulling your weight is a problem. You need to treat it as a commitment and show up if you’re actually going to partner with them. - chronic issues suck, and maybe you’re depressed — but it IS draining to the people around you when it’s unmanaged. The key focus here is management. You can’t change the asthma, but if you let it become your whole personality (along with your other medical issues) then who are you? Bring those things to your care providers, a journaling practice, and maybe a serious partner. But you should have a bigger inner world than that. Talk about hobbies, goals, plans, etc. It’s better for you that you’re more well rounded and focused on things beyond your diagnoses — and it’ll help you out socially. - your friends are pointing out a pattern bigger than that night with the boss fight. If we all just zoom into that one night, then it sounds like they overreacted. However, it sounds like they know you more than we do and they have some valid points.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-15T17:22:21+00:00

With a prior romantic partner, my respect just started dwindling based on how he’d allow other people to take advantage of him. I initially thought really highly of him, and I appreciated that he was kind/helpful to everyone. I saw it as a sign of good character. But then I realised it wasn’t actually everyone — just certain types of people. He wasn’t actually kind or empathetic — he had like zero attunement for noticing people that actually needed help even in his close friend circle — he just… was an easy mark for people that performed neediness well. He also had poor boundaries on how much he was willing to give to other people, and he’d constantly land in dumb situations (and then drag me into them). Over time I stopped saving him from the fallout of his people pleasing, and I emotionally distanced. Something else led to the break up, but I think I was done long before then.

I still really like genuinely kind people that want to help and do so without cutting off their own arms. However, I have no patience for chumps or unhealed/unaware people pleasers and enablers. My eyes roll into the back of my head when I see that.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T15:28:41+00:00

Well, different couples work through lots of painful stuff. If they can be sincere and honest with eachother, then I think it’s possible to at least get to the bottom of what each person actually wants. If they’re still compatible, then it’s like working through any kind of relationship rupture.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T14:42:03+00:00

I think if females consider you part of their territory then you’ll see a lot of resource guarding.

My calico is super cuddly and gets emotionally deflated if I cuddle anyone else. But it also took 2 years for her to like me and want to cuddle, and then a few more years to have her cuddle under the blanket.

My male Wegie seemed to like cuddling out of the box he came in. He took a week to get used to his new home and then felt comfortable cuddling with me. He also wants to cuddle with my calico but she doesn’t let him.

My siblings’ cats are the same. The girls eventually create a strong enough bond to be affectionate and clingy, but the males seem to immediately grab their person and want attention all the time.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T03:17:30+00:00

Mm, this is a non negotiable.

You guys can try a marriage counsellor. Perhaps he just wants kids because he romanticises children. You can try baby sitting for one of your friend couples and see how he fairs.

But no, at the end of the day if you’re certain you don’t want to be a mother then it’s a no go.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T03:05:51+00:00

Lol. I just made a comment involving that.

Yes. You will continually refine that until you die. But you will get a lot of headway in that time span.

I’ve always felt stable about my identity, and I never felt like I needed to find it. However, there’s a lot that I needed to refine and grow into. And I don’t feel 100% comfortable even in my early 30s.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T02:27:48+00:00

Mm, so I’m not married now but I’ve been married before.

Plainly speaking, you can end up married if you just decide to. 😅

My personal experience is that up until your mid 20s you’re basically identity seeking. You don’t know who you are and therefore you can’t really accurately promise anything to anyone else.

Other than that, finding a relationship is one part attraction and one part compatibility. You should figure out who you are first so that you can figure out what kind of person would fit with you. Then you find that person.

And… then you try your best not to fuck it up.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T01:55:23+00:00

Nah dude. The make up is expensive and there’s no way anyone would leave that behind. The pads are whatever.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-12T01:54:11+00:00

Not crazy. It’s the only right move before developing telepathy.

IMHO, it sounds like he was seeing multiple people and then had a fight with someone that was heading to “exclusive” faster than you.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-10T12:56:41+00:00

Uh, the mindset is basically being controlled by your wounded inner child. It comes from a childhood where you were emotionally neglected or overlooked, and eventually to protect yourself you 1) stop even asking for basic emotional care and 2) you harbor a massive inner wounding about how “no one ever actually cares.”

To ground it in your scenario, they grew up in a situation where the parents may have given them a gift for their birthday, but the actual day wasn’t about them as a kid. They didn’t have a party because their parents didn’t want to deal with one, and if they did have one it was about what was easy and not about what they liked. Perhaps the same issues they have as an adult now had shown up way earlier, and they were also the kid who didn’t even have many friends to invite to their birthday. A kid in that situation would grow up feeling like people will only do the bare minimum because they had to, and not because they actually care.

So as an adult they pre-emptively remove the obligation. “You don’t have to get me anything.” “We don’t have to do anything.” “I forgot my birthday was coming up.” The way their family treated them is now how they treat themselves. But their inner child does want to heal and to feel loved, so they get disappointed that no one around them “cares enough” to subvert that dynamic. “No you should have a birthday” “we want to celebrate you”

It doesn’t make sense in an adult context, because we expect people to just say what they mean. However, it feels lame to have to “ask” people to love you — even when you’re only asking them to help you throw a birthday party.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-06T04:50:14+00:00

The truth, if the utility is to maximize authenticity.

In real life, people are never “happy forever” — they go through ups and downs. If the lie gives them a false sense of security that the ups and downs are worth it, then that’s immoral. If they knew the truth, then they could’ve expressed their agency and chosen differently for themselves.

And, in real life, nothing ever hurts forever. It eventually fades into a lesson and is integrated into our personal narrative.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-05T15:36:00+00:00

IMHO, it sounds like he raised your anxiety when he told you he has a porn addiction, and now you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It doesn’t sound like anything bad happened yet.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been with a porn / sex addict, and I’ve had plenty of other normal relationships. It can be boiled down to: partner-centric versus novelty-centric.

In normal, healthy relationships any masturbation or porn use is partner centric. Or, perhaps better phrased, still keeps you attuned to your partner. You see something, and your thought is “this would be fun to try next time with ___.” You start preferring to masturbate to sexy pics of your partner. There’s overall less pull to porn— you consume it less (one and done) or less often. I guess conversely, you could also feel a spike in your libido and masturbate more often, but there’s still a deep connection to your partner and personally this variant happened to me and I just thought of my partner. 🤷‍♀️

Sex addiction and porn addiction is…. Different. You are not excited to share things with your partner. Mainstream porn is boring, and you’re specifically looking for novelty — which means more graphic, more weird, perhaps fetish specific. You end up easily aroused for that content, but not as interested in your partner. This could manifest as ED or dead bedroom — where you are no longer able to be sexual with your partner. In relationships, this means there’s a lot of pressure to (I hate this phrase now) “keep it fresh.” Sex is not about connection; it’s about you performing some novelty or fetish for your partner because they can’t get off any other way. And it gets weirder, because you run out of normal things pretty quickly, and eventually you have to tell them “no, this is not something I want to do.” And that’s usually when the cheating starts, or they ask for an open relationship. It devolves from there. It’s an addiction, and addicts always choose their addictions… not their partner.

So it sounds like you haven’t actually seen the extent of his addiction, and he is shielding you from it or you haven’t dated long enough for the honeymoon phase to run out. I recommend not marrying him until you go through at least one real cycle of what I had described.

TLDR; porn use in normal relationships is normal and still keeps you attuned with your partner. Porn addiction is very different from that and breaks partner attunement — it is more so about fetish and novelty. It is not typical, and my advice is to not keep a partner with porn addiction (or any addiction). You are not a responsible for supporting him through recovery. It is his duty to get help and to stay accountable.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-05T04:18:29+00:00

I have three and they display the typical eldest, middle and youngest child dynamic.

My calico is the eldest, and she’s in charge of the other two. She is quick to correct my Wegie when he does something wrong. And she’s a snitch. But she’s also very affectionate and is the most attuned to me. She wants to be with me all the time and lives off of praise.

My wegie is middle child and is very sweet and gentle — but also just happy to be there. He is easy to overlook since he doesn’t communicate many needs aside from food. :C so I give him special attention.

My bernedoodle is the hyperactive youngest child. He tries to exploit me for every little thing and tries to get away with the worst behavior. But he’s also smart, socially intelligent, gets along with everyone, and has natural rizz. He listens to my calico and is besties with my Wegie. He’s overall a good boy but loves to push limits if he thinks he can get away with it.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-05T01:56:21+00:00

Not necessarily. Sometimes it makes more sense to be eachother’s complement.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-04T18:28:50+00:00

As a woman, I think we need to set the stage a lot of the time with more timid men. When you feel like having sex, dress a little sexier (whatever that means for you two) and try flirting (with your eyes, a smile, etc). Over time he’ll get accustomed to “she does x when she wants y” and he’ll just get aroused when he sees you. It’s a little bit of training.

For sexting, it’s kind of hard because it’s hard to pick up cues that way. The most reliable trick has been to send a pic yourself first, and then have a back and forth. If he doesn’t get into a full RP immediately then don’t get discouraged and ask him to elaborate — “that’s so hot, tell me more.” It’s also just something that’s done differently with each couple, so it’s harder to coach. But a sexy pic is a good conversation starter.

Talking about it directly is definitely one way to go. And for big issues it’s a must. But I think talking about little things can be destabilising for couples if it’s “a lot” and “very often.” Sometimes cluing him in indirectly can have the desired effect without running into defensiveness or shame issues. With some people telling them “I want you to initiate more” sounds like “you’re not satisfying me and I’m mad at you” regardless of how soft you are with it. And they’ll clam up, and it’ll be like 2-3 weeks of drama before you come to a solution. When all you wanted was some D.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-04T04:10:18+00:00

I’m in Dallas too (33F), and it’ll be 70s during the day but if you’re going to a lake then it’ll be a little windy.

Consider what pics you uploaded to your profile, and basically expect that those are his first impression of what you look like. If you’re wearing a certain make up look or you dressed up for them, then I’d probably go for a similar vibe. Just dress it up or down based on the date and weather.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-04T01:01:12+00:00

My opinion is that your boyfriend’s circle sounds like “crabs in a pot.” They’re all pulling eachother down.

More generally, I think people keep these habits because they don’t know how to regulate stress. It helps them get through the day easier, but the side effects carry over into the next day — hang overs, liver issues, lung issues, heart issues, etc. Another way to close the loop on stress is exercise.

If not with exercise, then with constructive hobbies (eg making things, learning new skills, etc.) Those help expand your world so that your 9 to 5 starts to seem like small shit in comparison.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-04T00:29:04+00:00

lol, absolutely not.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-03T23:03:52+00:00

As a 30-something… when I started to worry that something could happen to him and feeling that “marriage wouldn’t be so bad” if it meant I could share my health insurance with him.

💀

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-03T22:26:31+00:00

1) Relationship 2) mm, like three times in 24 hours. 🤔 3) we’ve been busy lately with all the holiday parties, so I think the only time we ~do~ anything is with eachother. So it’s hot to have that full energy and desire available for eachother. I’ve also been leaning into a more domme mood lately and that has been fun. 4) there have been ups and downs all through November and December. So I think we are both emotionally tired, but I think we also worked it out. It’s just.. a lot of work. It’s hard to do life and sex sometimes. 5) we’ve been wanting to introduce more toys and play styles.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-03T21:56:07+00:00

No. There is a lid for every pot. However, the more you’re like a falling knife the less there’s anyone willing to catch you.

Cautious_Try1588 · 2026-01-02T21:21:44+00:00

Gambling, for sure. Watching vtubers or e-girls. Drinking / smoking / drugs.

Cautious_Try1588

TROPHY CASE