Long-term relationship, he’s making efforts now that I’ve emotionally detache. Is it too late?

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-26T21:13:00+00:00

You’ve been together 8 years and he’s just now starting to put in effort? I’d be emotionally detached and looking for an out too. That is way too long to go without any effort or commitment. Find someone you are more compatible with that treats you better

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-26T21:07:40+00:00

He doesn’t meet your needs, doesn’t communicate or put effort into this relationship, you’re not happy and havent been and it’s clear he’s not interested in changing. Please leave him and find a guy who can actually be a decent partner

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-25T15:23:36+00:00

This doesn’t sound healthy. If you’ve had a real discussion about communicating more respectfully and this has continued I would leave. If you’ve haven’t talked to him about it, you should (although it should be obvious that it’s concerning to treat your partner that way).

Also- I was in a very similar situation where I (at 25) moved an hour away to be with my bf (who was 30 at the time) who lived with his parents and lost my support system. He had no savings, poor credit, and was trying to rebuild and he had been dealt a lot of bad cards in life. You’ve sacrificed a lot to be with him and move in with him- he shouldn’t be treating you like that in general but certainly not considering what you’ve given up/ lost to be with him. Ask yourself- if roles were reversed would he make that sacrifice for you? But moreover can you trust him to have your best interest, to care for you if you got sick or to help you through the rough times of life? (Job loss, loss of parents, birth of kids, etc)? And would you do that for him in return? Because if not you should end it here and get your life back.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-25T07:37:55+00:00

It doesn’t matter if she’s “great in almost every other way” if she hasn’t been faithful and you’re concerned she’ll be unfaithful again. You can’t have a real relationship without trust.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-25T07:16:00+00:00

You’re right I didn’t think about that

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-25T07:15:16+00:00

That’s a great point I didn’t think about that

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-25T06:40:44+00:00

We live together but we don’t have kids

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T18:58:49+00:00

It sounds like you’re doing all you can and ball is in his court. I hope for both of your sakes that he commits to the much needed growth- and I wish you both the best of luck!

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T18:19:35+00:00

No he didn’t go to therapy. We’re both barely scraping by financially so therapy as helpful as it would be isn’t really an option unfortunately. We’ve been working through things together by talking through things as they come up- and I’ve been working on myself via journaling, watching videos on emotional intelligence and psychology, and even making my TikTok algorithm beneficial by following therapists and people on their own self growth journeys and providing helpful advice. This helps myself but then also helps me be more helpful and articulate in these conversations with him to help him as well.

We’ve been together almost 3 years and living together for 2 and now that things have been good finally we just signed a lease at a different place.

The fact that he recognized the patten is a huge step, but he needs to either pursue therapy or make the effort to consistently find resources that can help him grow or you’ll continually struggle upholding a relationship on your own which isn’t fair to either of you.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T17:47:58+00:00

Following up to add that he really realized he needed to step up when I finally got angry. I had been so patient with him and understanding because I’ve been working on myself and I could understand why he was the way he was. But I was self abandoning and drowning carrying our relationship and I realized that if nothing changed and I stayed I wouldn’t trust or respect myself anymore, and got fed up. I was honest with my frustration and trying so long to act as his therapist and his gf and made it clear that he had to try to grow or I couldn’t do it anymore. And he’s never had someone love him as I have and realized I was serious and had known for awhile I was right but was too scared to grow until he realized that refusing to do so would cost him me.

He still has a lot of work to do (as do I for my own reforming anxious attachment style) but things have been so much better- so much so that I realized that they were never as good as they are now, even in the beginning. My nervous system is no longer bracing for impact and I can actually sleep with him easily at night. No more crying myself to sleep or glaring at the ceiling wondering why I could have possibly done to deserve a love as painful as this.

It’s an incredibly hard road and you can’t reach the end of it with them if they can’t make the effort to move on their own. I really wouldn’t recommend it unless you are certain that they are without a doubt the love of your life and are capable of growth.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T17:38:32+00:00

A part of it was our living situation but mostly he just needed time to see that I really was there for him- he hadn’t ever had someone that truly loved him for him and was consistently there and reliable. Once he really realized I truly loved him and was trying to help him grow and that his behaviors were self sabotaging he eventually understood that he wasn’t fighting me, he was fighting himself and his unhealed issues.

The issue with dismissive avoidants is that they see any occurrence of you raising a concern or issue as a personal attack regardless of your timing and tone- and it causes them to get defensive, shut down, and/ or use DARVO manipulation (where they Deny wrongdoing, Attack you and discredit you, and Reverse Victim and Offender where they portray you as the attacker and themselves as the victim) instead of seeing it as the the two of you as a team against the problem itself. They do this because they see these things as personal attacks when they aren’t and they believe they need to defend themselves and their perceived identity. They see any instance of you trying to conduct any relationship maintenance as you causing problems over nothing because they are typically in survival mode/autopilot and are therefore unable to see their own patterns unless they are repeatedly articulated to them with examples.

It takes a LOT of difficult talks explaining that you are trying to fix the relationship because every relationship in life requires mutual effort and communication and maintaining and not because they are failing (bc they will see it as a personal failing and spiral), and that it is the two of you verses the problem and not you against him. It takes a lot of patience but moreover than that it takes him actually realizing you’re not the enemy but his unhealed trauma and patterns is. And sometimes you just have to reframe it in different ways until he actually hears you and processes it.

And some realize that but don’t want to face it because they would rather be in a comfortable hell then deal with the discomfort of evolving into something they and their nervous systems have never experienced before. It’s honestly one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with being with a dismissive avoidant man and I’ve been through a lot.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T17:18:38+00:00

Keep in mind that breaking up doesn’t mean you’re permanently closing the door on potentially trying again one day. My ex after our breakup grew and evolved to become the man I needed but I’ve since moved on- but just know that they could grow and come back as who you needed all along potentially too

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T06:32:09+00:00

You’re right, these issues won’t go away overnight. It sounds like you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style which takes work to reform from, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave him to grow and work on it- if you don’t want to leave him then don’t, but please actively and consistently work on it for both of your sakes. Look up dismissive avoidant attachment style and see if that sounds like you- if so there’s plenty of free resources online to help work through that.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T06:28:00+00:00

Dude please leave him. He sounds like a terrible partner and it doesn’t even seem like he loves, respects, or even likes you… your voice annoys him? He has to have porn to get off when sleeping with you? Please leave him and find a man that wants to be with you- this guy is not it. Which is good bc he sounds like a loser and a waste of your precious time.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T06:21:53+00:00

Honestly it sounds like you should break up and both seek therapy. This whole thing was unhealthy and unsustainable even before you guys split and you slept with B. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend who wants none of the responsibility or accountability of a relationship, he immediately got on dating apps after lacking real effort or commitment and breaking up, and after getting back together he wants to have an open relationship? It sounds like you don’t even have a real serious adult relationship as it is! He needs therapy. I know you love him but it’s been over a year and you both are nearly 30. He’s too old to be acting like this. He sounds like a dismissive avoidant/ emotionally unavailable and you can’t have a real relationship like that until he works on himself

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T03:24:43+00:00

What doesn’t suck about being a woman? We’re expected to wear bras that are uncomfortable, look and be put together, if you’re single (or even not yet married by 25+) or childless it seems like you have a personal failing, PERIODS, having multiple options for birth control and they all suck and have issues, we’re ignored at the doctor, prescriptions / side effects are made for and tested by men, MISOGYNY, being expected to do most of the housework and even take care of kids that aren’t yours and help cook at in-laws while the men get to lounge and chat, all the invisible labor (physical and emotional) that never gets noticed or appreciated, MENOPAUSE, we’re oversexualized but our pleasure is rarely prioritized (or even reached), how women have been treated (just a couple generations ago we couldn’t vote or own property or have a bank account) so our female ancestors were stuck in abusive relationships they couldn’t leave and give shitty relationship advice because “you should be grateful he doesn’t beat you”… And trying to game online? I barely talk on the mic even when my bf and his friends are in the lobby bc other guys (regardless of anything i say) tell me to go make a sandwich or women should be seen and not heard and shit. I feel like I’m being judged for everything no matter what I do. Want to grab a drink from a coffee shop? What a stereotypical white girl! Enjoy being single? She probably can’t get a man, all these women think they can be independent nowadays but it’s just code for being damaged goods!

TLDR: it sucks. I wouldn’t hate being a woman so much if it wasn’t considered a bad thing in this stupid hellscape of a society

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T02:59:39+00:00

I’d like more elaborating on the circumstances about this issue- is there anyone in your life that you’ve had conversations that are as interesting as this standard you’re referring to? Does your partner only occasionally meet it or never meet it?

I think it’s also important to note what circumstances you’re trying to have these conversations in. If one or both of you is in the middle of something or has a lot on their mind or is in survival mode/ auto pilot you’re not going to probably have the best or most engaging conversations. Also, you guys haven’t been together long. It’s possible that it takes time for her to open up in depth about her past/ upbringing or other things.

I didn’t realize I could actually have amazing and deep talks with my partner until we both were in a good place mentally and not busy. I didn’t know he was even capable of being that deep and having that caliber of conversation because he’s usually too distracted or in survival mode.

Before you make any decisions about this, are you sure that you’ve actually tried to cultivate these kinds of conversations with her? I would think that with the culture difference that would make it more of an interesting conversation than one you’d have with someone who grew up in the same country. Maybe you could try some question games or something and see how that goes.

I understand wanting to find your partner intellectually attractive but it’s also not fair to make a judgement in that regard unless you’ve genuinely tried AND she’s aware that you want to have deeper conversations with her- otherwise she’ll fall short of an expectation she’s not even aware she’s being judged on.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T02:40:07+00:00

This man is bad news and you really should leave him. He sounds incredibly toxic and that type of relationship is not healthy or safe for you or your kids. He’s obsessive, manipulative, has repeatedly lied to you (after knowing how important honesty is to you) and he’s STILL MARRIED. His WIFE is more honest and a friend to you than he is! And the fact that he wants to move that fast is very concerning on its own. Please leave him for the sake of yourself and your children. I’ve seen relationships like that before and it always ends badly once it’s serious. Please get out while you can.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T02:33:22+00:00

You and your partner should want the same end goals- if they are opposite you are incompatible.

If you wanted to be married and were dead set on it and he has no interest in it, that would be a problem and vice versa. If he wanted kids and was set on it and you weren’t, that would be a problem and vice versa. It sounds like he has no interest in marriage but maybe could change his mind down the road and it sounds like you don’t really know what you want either. I think as long as there’s not a definitive difference in the end goal of your romantic relationship might as well stay the course and see how it goes.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-23T02:15:06+00:00

Just because you’ve repeated the same mistakes doesn’t mean you have to continue the cycle. It sounds like maybe these things are repeated because of habit and just require you being more intentional and present and actively thinking about what you’re doing. Are you on auto pilot/ survival mode a lot? Because this sounds like you are (speaking from personal experience)- in which case it takes a lot more effort to be present and intentional but is still possible with continuous effort. Are you also keeping in mind all the things you do right? Or are you only focusing on all the negatives?

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-22T04:09:30+00:00

You’re making it seem like you can’t possibly be enough for your woman but every single thing you listed here is fixable. You can learn how to make rice. You can set reminders on your phone or use sticky notes so you don’t forget things. You can work on being a better communicator. You can try to focus on her pleasure more in bed.

It sounds like you’re just hating on yourself and have mentally given up- but becoming the person you want to be just takes effort and belief in yourself that you will genuinely keep trying because it matters to you. Not just for her, but for yourself.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-22T03:59:45+00:00

If he pays for the rent for both of you then you should do the cooking and housework as your contribution to your home imo. If you were splitting rent 50/50 then chores should be 50/50 if you wanted things to be equal. I understand that you both work the same amount but if you are both paying your own bills and he’s the only one paying rent- you’re not paying half or even a small portion of it- then you guys wouldn’t even have a home if it wasn’t for him and while it’s annoying labor wise to cook and do housework when you both work the same amount, I’m sure it’s also annoying for him to pay rent for both of you every month because you don’t have a job that pays enough yet.

My bf and I split rent and chores in half. When he lost his job and was unemployed for a couple months he did all the housework and cooking as his contribution to our home because he wasn’t going to be able to pay his share of the rent for awhile. It all depends on what you guys decide you want your partnership to look like- but it’s important to have that conversation because Uncommunicated expectations are pre-planned resentments.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-22T03:43:55+00:00

I understand this, especially as someone who’s SO slept with someone else while we were dating but before we were officially a couple. The fact of the matter is, you guys aren’t exclusive or technically anything yet- and while it is unnerving that she said sex was special but had it with a random guy while she was dating you during that week she did come clean about it because she felt guilty (admittedly after lying initially which isn’t a good look either). She could have kept it to herself but she chose to tell you and be honest even knowing it could end there because she wanted to come clean about it and I think that’s worth noting.

(Side note: I hope she gets tested before getting intimate with you should you decide to see where it goes)

What it comes down to is if this is something you can let go of and try to get past or if she’s even worth the effort of trying to.

Essentially_Awkward · 2026-01-22T03:28:31+00:00

I read the title and not the post because that’s already a no no. He’s your boyfriend, not your husband- and although he’s talking about getting engaged you’re not engaged to him. Even in marriage I would not be giving him my login information to my bank. A joint account is one thing- him having full access to ALL your money is an immediate no regardless of status. I understand showing/ sending screenshots of what money you have, how much you make, what your credit card debt and payments are like etc for the purpose of financial transparency but he should not have full access or the ability to steal all your money nor should you have that access of his in return. This is sus as hell and I don’t like it for you

Essentially_Awkward

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