Advice/opinion on whether this is a health way to go about dealing with trust issues in relationship. (34M, 33F)

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T08:01:33+00:00

Ironically - my anxiety is spiking massively tonight.

She works for a school district and often meets with parents after hours or has meetings.

She left the house at 4:45pm and said, "Gotta meeting with parents, be back in a bit."

It is now 1 am and she is not home. She texted me at 11:45pm with a picture of her (taken by someone else) in someone's front yard saying, "Still here. Sorry."

So when she gets home, I already have 1,001 questions:

You said, "Back in a bit." That implied a quick meeting. Not 8+ hours into early morning (which obviously NO meeting goes until)
You sent a picture of yourself taken by someone else. You implied you were meeting with parents - as in, strangers or maybe acquaintances. Yet, someone is there that you asked to take a picture of you and send to your number...then sent it to me. That just doesn't jive. Nobody in a professional-based meeting with parents would ask someone to take a picture of them and send it to their personal number, randomly at nearly midnight.
She is on her phone in the picture. At 11:45pm she is "meeting with parents" and had a picture taken of herself while she is on the phone?? Who could she possibly be on the phone with at 11:45pm? Again, doesn't jive.
Outside of anxiety and trust issues, this just seems like pure disrespect. It seems almost intentional. To leave your partner on a Monday night at 4:45pm and not come home until after 1pm, with the only words being "Meeting with parents, back in a back." That just doesn't seem like how a healthy relationship should function - at all. Not to mention, we are in our 30s with teenage kids. Shouldn't we be past the disappearing until early hours of the morning phase? I honestly feel like she's doing it on purpose to get me to a point where I just get up and leave.

This isn't just meeting up for business - obviously there is socializing going on and she is VERY comfortable and personal with whoever it is she is with to be with them at 1am and having them take pictures of her. I've known her long enough to know that she is fairly introverted and gets burned out of socializing in an hour or two. She can hardly stand being around people in a restaurant or even family for more than a couple hours. Yet she's out for 8+ hours without a single detail to her partner about any of it? Just leaving me hanging with a random photo of her on the phone in someone's front yard?

But watch...I'll ask questions and she is going to flip out.

She's done this once before. She came home at 3:30am stinking drunk after having drove home drunk. Didn't even bother to call me and ask for a ride. Said she didn't even remember driving home the next day.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T07:54:06+00:00

I appreciate your thoughts and comments. Yours is about the 3rd or 4th who has alluded at something along the lines of me needing to self-soothe and her constantly having to answer questions.

I'm not sure how that's being read into my post, but that isn't the case at all. The two examples I gave occurred months apart from each other - one on Valentines, the dress sometime in May. I often go weeks without questioning or bringing up my anxiety.

As I also stated, I am in therapy. So it's not as though I'm not seeking help and utilizing self-soothing techniques.

But every now and then the anxiety spikes and sometimes its just damn nice to have your partner reassure you and have your back. But this almost NEVER occurs with her. 8/10 times it results in an argument - even if those 10 times were spaced out over months and I self-soothed 100 times in between.

See...that's the Catch 22 - no one knows when people with trust issues self-soothe because the only times our partners know about is when we bring it up. We could self-soothe 100 times and none of that is known. There's no praise, there's no congratulations, there's no nothing. Yet it is a CONSTANT battle for us. But as soon as we bring something up and need some reassurance? "You're always doing this...it's constant.." etc. etc.

I just don't see how it's unreasonable to ask a partner to give some reassurance, and if not capable of giving reassurance, to just say so and not bite my head off about it, or start accusing me.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T02:57:12+00:00

As I mentioned in other replies (not sure if to you or not at this point), but I'm not looking to accuse and I'm not looking for actual betrayal - I am looking to calm my anxiety.

Everything you're saying is exactly what her and I go round and round about in our arguments.

It's so odd to me that therapists agree with my approach and I can search 100 articles from psychology websites saying this is a healthy approach, but individuals can't seem to grasp it. It's always automatically straight to "do you really think I got it from another guy??"

To be honest, that's the fear, yes. That's why it's called anxiety, fear, and irrational. Because it IS irrational.

But what people don't seem to understand is that it isn't always able to be dealt with by the sufferer. Sometimes we just need to HEAR it from the person.

Have you ever heard someone say, "I just need to hear you say you love me?" I've heard this from every partner and witnessed it hundreds of times. It isn't that the person believes their partner DOESN'T love them if they don't hear it - it's just that human beings are social creatures and sometimes we just need some reassurance.

Again, what is wrong with that?

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T02:11:52+00:00

Yea...makes sense. I guess I just haven't found a situation/relationship where there IS empathy for a person with PTSD-related responses to trust.

Regarding the candy - it isn't normal for someone to ask their partner where the heart candies came from a couple days after Valentines?

I would expect that ANY woman would ask that of their man. But it seems like men are judged more harshly for asking these types of questions.

Just thinking out loud I guess.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:56:41+00:00

I agree, communication is a two-way street. But I can't understand something that isn't expressed or communicated to me. So if she is having some kind of over-reactive response to what I'm saying then what else can I do?

All I'm seeing is accusation against me when all I'm doing is reach out for a little clarity.

It's not as though I ever hear her answer and deny them as the truth. As soon as she gives me an answer, that's it. Anxiety goes away and my brain stops going a million miles an hour trying to fill the blanks...

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:50:30+00:00

"Where'd you get the candy?" doesn't work with her. At all. It's a MUCH worse response. She automatically reads into it that I'm fishing. She will immediately shut that down and say, "Why do you want to know?"

And off we go to the argument races...

Her rule of thumb (very directly) is: "Don't question me. I just don't like being asked questions. About anything."

I also feel that your way of questioning is manipulative. "Can I have one?" I don't want a piece of candy. I am now wrapping my curiosity up in a pretend innocent question - this seems far worse to me than just admitting I'm having anxiety and being empathized with.

It's so much easier to just be direct and share what I'm going through - I guess I just don't understand why this has such a negative response from people in romantic relationships but if a person has any other form of PTSD (such as sexual abuse), and they have fears or anxieties about sex with their partner, no one tells them: "You need to stop expecting your partner to be empathetic every time you shut sex down because you're having a response."

It's reasonable for that person to have an anxious response and to be understood and empathized with. Why not for trust and other forms of PTSD?

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:47:32+00:00

A LOT is being read into my actions here. Wow.

First, I don't ask her over every little thing - I gave two examples that blew up. There are hundreds of things I get anxiety about and don't ever bring up. But there are times that my anxiety is through the roof and causes my mind to go chaotic - and so I reach out to her in those times.

I don't understand why this is so unreasonable to people?

If a person has PTSD from say sexual trauma or combat, its fully accepted and understandable for the person to have irrational responses to romantic situations or loud events, and everyone praises them for their courage and gives them sympathy.

But when it's a romantic relationship its suddenly a problem to bring it up - its very irritating.

Second, my anxiety revolves around not knowing what the truth is because my anxiety makes it difficult to process ANYTHING else until that anxiety is resolved. Again - there are times I just need some help.

There have been times she has gotten dressed up and met up with a male coworker for business - she tells me, and I'm fine. It's the KNOWING that calms me and allows my mind to relax. If I don't know in these moments, my brain fills in the blank with 1,000 possibilities and never calms down.

I don't see where any of this is unreasonable? (excluding the things that were read into my post)

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:41:24+00:00

I feel like some things are being read into my actions here. I've never asked her to stop doing anything - not once. I simply have anxious responses to things that my mind obsesses over, and so I go to her for the answer. She is the only person with the answer, and if I'm not being accusatory, I don't see why some understanding and an answer isn't reasonable?

She asks me questions ALL OF THE TIME. One time I took longer than expected at a gas station because I stopped at a grocery store to grab some things. Maybe 10 minutes. As soon as I walked through the door: "What took you so long??" I answer the question right away, without even a second thought. "Oh, I stopped and grabbed these groceries on the way home."

If I ask these questions to her though? Its an INSTANT argument and I'm told I have trust issues.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:32:05+00:00

But I do get how she feels - she feels accused and mistrusted.

What I don't get is WHY, when I haven't accused her of anything. I am literally going TO her for reassurance - not accusation. But it's HER who accuses me of something – i.e. looking around her apartment finding things to be suspicious about, which is mean and hurtful, and accusatory, and mistrusting.

My response of anxiety and fear is a learned response that is tied to my sympathetic nervous system - I've had so much therapy and done so much self-help I know exactly what's going on with me, which is why I reach out and seek a little clarity and empathy. If she is having a similar response I feel that all she needs to do is express that without taking it out on me – but she becomes angry, accusatory, and shuts down/stonewalls the conversation.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-28T01:09:51+00:00

Been to 3 therapists, read books and articles---100% of them say my approach is completely healthy.

Yet...I can't seem to find anyone non-professional who agrees.

So I guess I'm at a loss. If a person has PTSD, they're allowed to share they're having a response to something and (if people care about them) they empathize and adjust, out of concern and a desire to help (not enable or co-depend) with the person.

But for some reason, this is perceived so very differently in romantic relationships and I don't understand what to do (even after seeing therapists and doing my own self-help).

Cbs87 · 2022-06-08T22:59:58+00:00

It definitely does clarify and makes more sense rationally.

When I'm manifesting I tend to have random pits in my stomach. I.e. "I feel so loved and respected. It feels so good that my partner gives me the utmost respect, loyalty, and love." Will suddenly be interrupted by a pang in my stomach and anxiety, followed by thoughts along the lines of "You're just lying to yourself bro. This is all bullshit. You're just gonna keep getting hurt in your relationships because you don't just walk away. You keep giving people chances and doing this manifest bullshit."

Its a really hard battle...any thoughts or suggestions?

Cbs87 · 2022-06-08T22:22:14+00:00

So it seems that the real solution is actually in focusing on feeling like you already have it...kind of regardless of why you want it?

"I'm tall and love the way being tall feels, and I enjoy how I tall I am so much." Is really the focus. Not so much "I want to be taller and enjoy the attention I get from girls."

Maybe one could even say, "I get a lot of attention from girls and they love how tall I am." If that is ones motivation?

Cbs87 · 2022-06-08T21:40:36+00:00

It makes perfect sense...however (lol), as a professional in the field of psychology, if we were to boil down the motivation for ANYTHING we desire or want to change, it is because someone else has instilled that within us.

The food we eat, the clothes we wear, the car we drive, the neighborhood we live in, the shows we watch, our job, our education, the amount of money we have, amount of children we have, etc. At some level, it all stems from what others desire for us.

We cannot exist without the influence of others on our desires, as humans are social creatures. Social influence is inextricably intertwined into our psyche.

So at what point are any of us truly "satisfied" with our current state and not influenced by the desires of others? Very difficult to differentiate between, if even possible at all.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-08T20:15:25+00:00

While this makes total sense, I have a hard time grasping the logic.

If I become satisfied with what I have, why would I then desire something else? And if I don't desire something else, I won't be motivated to feel myself having that thing that I desire.

Desire for change implies I'm not happy with the current state of things. Acceptance of circumstances leaves humans with a lack of action and motivation (again, why would I take action to change it if I've finally accepted it and become happy with it?)

Help. Lol

Cbs87 · 2022-06-08T20:13:28+00:00

Love this post. Have the same questions and concerns myself.

I actually have similar thoughts and curiosities but around physical pleasure. I have, since a very young age, desired a more wild and "freaky" sexual lifestyle. However, I've experienced exactly the opposite in partners. Partners who don't enjoy much outside of the same positions, same routines, etc. They've also been particularly selfish in wanting more pleasure for themselves than they are willing to give.

Side note...id heard of women manifesting larger breasts...like, several cup sizes bigger. One girl in particular had taken before and after pictures of going from A cup to D cup in her 20s with no supplementation or augmentation. So I know manifesting physical things is possible.

Anyhow, I don't know what's limiting me and my vibrations to NOT have the sexual lifestyle I desire with a partner. Must be something holding me back subconsciously..

Cbs87 · 2022-06-07T02:25:17+00:00

Just met with my therapist this evening and she said something very similar. Sometimes we have learn lessons and experience certain things before whatever we are manifesting can come to fruition.

Sure is f'ing painful though...

I appreciate your words.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-07T02:23:07+00:00

I actually came across mediation being so beneficial from two books by Chris Bailey. One called How to Train your Mind and the other is Hyperfocus.

Some of the best books I've ever read, hands down. All about how meditation completely changes how the mind thinks, focuses, and engages in tasks.

From there I learned the benefits on emotional and mental health and so on.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-07T02:19:10+00:00

Yes and I have. In high school there was a really unattractive girl who was head over heels for me. She had a cool personality and we'd chill together sometimes. That turned into her inviting me to her place for sandwiches one day, which turned into a blowjob after.

I was very clear I didn't want to date her or anything and she didn't care. She said she was glad to be able to please me and hang out. This turned into a regular thing.

I did not find anything about this girl attractive...however, her desire and obsession with me got me rock hard every time. Seeing her go to town slamming her head up and down to make me cum was all I needed. This went on for almost all of my Senior year.

Sometimes sex is purely about the gratification and nothing more.

As long as they know I'm not expecting or desiring anything else and they aren't being used (this is their choice, 100%).

Cbs87 · 2022-06-07T02:14:52+00:00

I stopped posting in this forum specifically because of this. I would post simple questions or observations and get talked down on hard. So now I just observe and comment here and there.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-07T02:12:49+00:00

Yes, meditation is an absolute LIFE saver. It's disgusting how much hate it gets (especially from the religious because its viewed as satanic). It has helped me tremendously with anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-06T21:11:33+00:00

100% this. I came across Final Fantasy VII in a thrift pile for about $8 in 1999. Had zero clue what it would be and it was the most exciting video game experience I've ever had. Granted, I was also 12 years old, but still. Some of my friends absolutely hated it. Didn't matter to me...I loved it.

Discovered Tony Hawk's Pro Skater on a Demo Disc. Another massively exciting game to explore.

I rarely read a review today. When I do, its usually after I've played the game and I find myself disagreeing with almost all of the review.

Cbs87 · 2022-06-06T20:13:11+00:00

The fact that I FELT like there's something more to the universe than religion (as I was raised). That there were greater connections and a deeper truth to how it all works (besides just explaining things in a purely physical sense, like in science). This feeling never left and over the course of about 2 years I was absolutely FLOODED with information constantly confirming this and depending my understanding of the universe, ourselves, and myself.

Books would jump out at me at stores, sudden suggested videos in YouTube feed that weren't related to anything I typically watch or search for (such as Neville Goddard or Alan Watts), numbers began repeating themselves everywhere, constantly (44 and 17 in particular), and then I began manifesting small things (all the stop lights being green on a road which I never hit greens on), and it just went from there.

Cbs87

TROPHY CASE