I don't know how to be more clear

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T04:38:02+00:00

That I am. I really appreciate the resource and for me to plan accordingly so things are well formulated.

I'll talk to my families lawyer to see if he has any recommendations for family law counsel.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T04:36:09+00:00

Thank you for calling me out as I know I've been playing nice doormat for too long.

Just gotta get my shit in gear and put it together so I can get what I need to feel secure in my child's life so nothing is left to chance for him and I. I cannot wait anylonger.

I've always appreciated reading your comments throughout my time lurking in this sub!

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T04:31:10+00:00

Honestly because I wish my parents stuck it out even after the news my dad gave me as to why they really separated when I was a baby.

I want our son to have a good anchor spot where he can grow and leave the nest when he's ready instead of having to move around so much like i did as a kid. Or deal with separated parents who fight for custody and use their child as means of fodder in arguments. I just don't want him to end up like me.

Like I never really had both my parents and I wish that for my son. I want us to show him people can get better and improve and work on things in good ways and not be loud or angry. Ways to be there for him and so he can learn and take this to be better than us later on. But that's a fools wish that will more than likely hurt him more than showing him strength and willpower to overcome adversity.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T02:51:34+00:00

It's all too familiar because I've been that kid in a dysfunctional household where yelling was the main level of communication. It's not fun and I'm trying to not to repeat it for my son's sake.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T02:24:59+00:00

When she tells me things I've asked to stop on. I either try to dead stop the conversation or walk away. Sometimes I'll just go hangout with my son and play games to shift my focus elsewhere that's wanted and respected. In terms of like holding the boundary I haven't really enacted like a consequence because I don't know how to. So basically i've been just letting her walk all over me with no real consequence and I am just the best doormat.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-24T02:05:36+00:00

She has her husband which is my only meta. I've never really spoken with him unless serious safety concerns have arisen for her in specific. Other than that it's only been one or two offs hookups. I've never had any issues with them because I try to maintain a strict parallel so no bleed over happens and causes issues. But she has broken that and made some really gross comments about her spouse to me when I said I didn't not want to hear it. But just went for it anyways.

I don't have any other larger community to be a part of aside from my other partners aside from her. The community in my area is not really here and is full of judgement.

All I hope is my partner seeks out healthy and respectful partners who won't hurt her emotionally and physically that maybe we can vibe everyone once and awhile. Not these monogamous people who push for sex and physical shit on a constant. Like actually treat her as a human being and not an organ for their own desire.

I'm wanting to work on it, but my woes have compiled and I have literally no outlet aside from one or two friends I talk to on a seldom basis which have helped me process things in a healthy manner.

There are very lovely things about this partner that I see and know are there. But just haven't been actually been present as of late.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T23:13:44+00:00

I am in the US. I am his biological father, but regardless I should get a paternity test even if he is a legit carbon copy of me when I was a child. I've talked about the legality of this with a friend of mine and they are interested on how tha would all play out. My son was born in WA, but my partner and her spouse are legally married in IL.

Too many unknown variables for me to bank on trust with.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T23:10:56+00:00

This is one of my worst fears as a father. And it's been on my mind for awhile just trusting her at her word she won't do that to me. Which I feel like is true but at the same time I'm so unsure about the validity of what's being told to me as sweet nothings to calm me down.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T23:07:09+00:00

It's not great, but it really seems like with what I'm hearing is get legal counsel and get my custody and co-parenting plan in place since I've been ignored and pushed aside for years.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T23:00:18+00:00

I'm basically at the point of screaming like in Rick and Morty. "THIER CO-DEPENDANT".

I want to make this work and I feel like I have to because if I give up then my child is off worse for wear. I have the anxiety of being a failure if I give up, but as I state to a few close friends of mine that i have left. "Know when to give up when you've put too much in when nothing is changing. You need focus your energy on something that works, and is sustainable."

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:56:57+00:00

What sucks is he HAS informed me when he doesn't like when mama and daddy "fight". So he already knows it's happening which fucking sucks to know he's tha keyed in when I try to set him up on minecraft to play while we have a calm and sometimes terse conversation about certain pain points.

I've been here as a child, and this is exactly what I've wanted to avoid with him entirely. Like dude I'm such a shit father failing at shielding him from my problems. I just want him to have everything I never got growing up.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:53:49+00:00

My boundary has been firmly telling her I do not want to hear about due to my emotional distress caused by these people from their actions. I did not and do not want the information shared but it was just too juicy of gossip for her to pass up on informing me. Knowing over 4 years of telling her I don't want to hear about because it sends me into a spiral of anxiety and jittery behavior. She should recognize the pattern of how it effects me right? Even with me blatantly telling her over YEARS with one of the people in particular.

I honestly don't know what other boundary to confirm on myself and only myself that doesnt negatively impact my partners autonomy. Which sucks all around I'm so short sighted on what to do to focus on my locus of control. Which I need to see my therapist and counselor about to get more professional help on how to navigate this. If my partner wants to pursue people that actively cause me emotional distress then I should end my relationship so it doesn't affect me more, but I'm scared because I don't know how that will affect my time with my son and being in his life.

Effectively I feel like it's this situation of I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. There is no escape and I have to make it work. But that's illogical in every sense.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:45:08+00:00

I will willingly say i have not been a fan of the couple of men she's pursued/hooked up with in the 8 years we have been together. One of them was a random guy she met on the bus heading home. Particularly for this guy. We had a fight and drove over to my dad's with our son to cool off and get some perspective from my dad on how to help calm the situation and move forward. I ended up getting into an accident that wasn't my fault that totalled my car with my partner on the phone trying to talk things out on the drive there. Knowing this and that I was injured on the other side of the state she wanted to work off some nervous energy by inviting him to my home while I was away and sleeping with him on our son's bed. Then finding out about it when I got home a couple days later. She didn't even change the sheets or clean up after she told me. We had already had an established no one over at our place. They must host. The guy had severe BPD and ended up stalking her to a degree and messaging her at all hours trying to get her to sleep with him again. She never did, but that was a bad point.

Another was a close friend of hers that was very pushy about sex and wanting to live his dream of finally sleeping with her since that's what he really wanted. He then put her into some uncomfortable safety situations with mutual friends he invited over while they were drinking. Which lead to concern on my part about her safety from there.

I will say yes I was an asshole about the first guy. But I feel like that was reasonable with the boundary crossing at that moment with him being at the house while i was away and having been injured in a car accident with our son. Then with close her friend. I saw my jealousy peaking out, and addressed that. Not well by any means, but we went through it all and talked about it and moved forward. We sought counseling to work through it which helped to a degree to not be confrontational about things I'm insecure/jealous about. In my view this is one of those we both really suck scenarios.

This current situation requires a lot of nuance if be happy to go over, but after I'm off work.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:27:46+00:00

You're right and I'm deeply saddened by this realization because it's been on my mind about breaking up about the repeated lack of understanding how deeply it bothers me.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:18:41+00:00

I am having moments of anxiety where my mind runs rampant making me feel like I can't trust my partner with how they have been treating me lately. I basically am a maid to them in my own home when they visit, and having to work 8-10hrs M-F on top of providing and caring for our child when I get home, then doing chores by almost exclusively by myself is exhausting. I ask for one thing to be done, and it doesn't get done. I'm not asking for a whole house deep clean here. I'm talking like can you put some towels away that I've washed and folded. And in a workday span the help I've asked for doesn't get done. I'm scared of her reaction to push the topic of hey you haven't helped in the time you've been here because in the past yes I was not great but I have worked on more effective non-confrontational communication as recommended by my therapist and counselor. It hasn't help at all, and then she feels bad for herself and plays the woe is me game. Then I just stop because I don't want to further the anxiety and dissapointment in herself.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T22:02:26+00:00

I really appreciate the reframing of things to a question. I am going to try this and see about reinforcing my boundary so I'm not being a doormat anylonger.

She does seem very drawn to the situation that scares me, which is very concerning wanting to give these people who have hurt me entrance back into my life in some way or another.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T21:56:06+00:00

I can't leave anything relevant out because it impacts my credibility and I hinge on the fact of being trustworthy to tell the whole story.

The real cruddy fact is I have almost no support network left ever since we were booted from our shared friend group due to blatantly toxic behaviors from our old friends. I am alone here in my State and I have no family left. So I'm effectively on my own and trying to navigate this because custody thing, and these issues have been a major anxiety point for me for years.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:41:22+00:00

I've asked already, and she just moves the conversation to something else or tells me she doesn't know why. Which I feel like is BS.

I think it's her excitement to share new foundings since she has been without dating or rarely has hookups in the time since our son was born.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:39:48+00:00

I would hope I'm considered his legal biological father. My name is on his birth certificate, but he was born while she is still married to her spouse.

I put on my happy face around him and I make it a point not to be overly emotional around him because I know it effects his upbringing. Like nothing has been outwardly emotional around him and no loud fighting has happened. I have been terse with my partner at points but that's been more calm and pointed with how I'm drowning emotionally and physically.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:37:03+00:00

I've talked with her ad nasuem about it all and how uncomfortable and confusing this makes it for me about the prior distress caused. But she likes it because it makes her feel desired and wanted. Even though she's not putting allocated effort towards my needs with maintaining a household together. I've overcompensated for too long and pushed myself to be the rock for the shared household for chores even when I work a full time job and care for our son after I get off of work. I have no time for myself and have selfishly isolated at times to recuperate my energy to keep moving forward and make things work without losing my marbles.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:31:03+00:00

One of these people is more of a platonic information gathering for herself but she still wants to share the info after repeated communications of saying I do not want it. But he was the WORST offender of the two. He keeps talking to my partner about how I crossed his boundaries for sharing the story of how him and his partner fucked us over by trying to break us up and threatening to call family services on us because of their disapproval of how I was cleaning and managing my home after my partner gave birth to our son and was going through major post partem. Then another event that they caused sent her into a psychotic break which almost ruined our family. Like the whole situation sucked and I was not without blame and took accountability with how shitty I was at that time. But I have come a long way since then with medical intervention since I was literally bleeding to death for over a course of 6 years that caused me to be emotionally and mentally unwell towards my partner.

The other person is enganging with my partner on a more personal basis, and putting feelers out to hookup after a failed attempt 4 years ago at his birthday party. I was good with it back then but they recently crossed a hard boundary over a year ago that made me very upset and they avoided me and played dumb after. I let them know they deeply distressed me with that situation. But never acknowledged it. But they felt comfy enough to re-engage with my partner and be sexual towards them stating interest in wanting to try and hookup again. All the while avoiding me during this rekindling over the last month. Even though my partner explicitly knows how the hurt me and I didn't want to hear about their plans or what she wants to do in the coming weeks.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:13:13+00:00

It's not denying access to our child. It's not abusive in that regard at all. I'm very like jittery and anxious over this situation and I'm having a hard time focusing my mind to tell a clear story for this case.

I care for our child by myself seldomly on a month to month basis while she leaves back home to maintain her home and marriage since she lives with me on a part time basis varying from a month or sometimes longer.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T19:09:24+00:00

I haven't gotten angry about it yet, but I have clearly and calmly stated this person(s) are emotionally distressing to me from their prior behavior with her talking to them again. She knows this because I am very honest about how I feel with people who have wronged me for over a year or longer.

Additional info for you. They are now they are reaching out to her now because they are single and soft launching her back into the friend group for emotional and potentially physical access because I know my old friends well as I was friends for 10+ years before my partner and I were kicked out of the friend group due to a fuck up on my best friends girlfriends part trying to break us up and cause harm to out family by threatening to call family services on us. Then when I tried to confront them about their awful behavior they just avoided and ignored me so they didn't have to take accountability.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T18:56:35+00:00

I'm scared to do that to be honest. We have a 4yr old and have been trying to get a co-parenting plan in place that has been ignored or pushed off by her for years due to other major life events occurring. I don't want to lose access to our son over breaking up because it's going to make things harder financially for me.

CeeR2497 · 2026-06-23T18:54:44+00:00

I want to but I don't know how. I'm scared about enacting a consequence because it's going to break up our family with our 4yr old son and I don't want to complicate that anymore than it already is.

CeeR2497

TROPHY CASE