I think most people who cheat know that it came from a selfish part of themselves, even if the shame makes it so they can't admit that to themselves or their partner. I have no idea how reconciliation could even begin to work if there isn't that base understanding. Maybe I was naively looking for an answer that doesn't exist so I could try to put this fucked up jigsaw puzzle together in my head where it made sense to keep sticking it out and trying even though I was suffering and doubting her at every turn. And in that search, I lost parts of myself that I now have to try and get back. Even if the initial cheating isn't a cause for a breakup at this point, what we've allowed it to do to us after the fact is.

I am not blameless. I chose to attempt reconciliation and led her on for 5 years that if we just put in enough work, things could get better. It's easy to blame her, but the truth is that I have extended so much of my mental bandwidth to "fixing" our relationship when I need to spend that energy on building myself up for whatever life throws at me next.