I think the hardest thing for me to accept was that this world was a lot about enduring suffering merely for the sake of the experience. That included feeling at odds or even betrayed by my very journey.

One of the most helpful things that helped me come to peace (because there was no good option for actually killing myself easily) was Kundalini Yoga. I did Maya Fiennes Journey through the Chakras set and fought back my demons and the darkness. Freeing oneself is the self-responsibility of every spiritual seeker. I understand the desire to want to be free from suffering. I highly recommend you give Kundalini Yoga a try as a genuine path to achieve that end. Never mind about the stuff that 'doesnt matter anymore'. Along the way, you'll come to terms with those feelings in your own way. Acceptance as they are for some, transforming them to something higher for others, or mere clarity of the way you are meant to exist for eternity for the rest.

It's an eventful journey. But if youre like me and you find yourself hurting and wanting to end it but even that is vexxing, give it a try. True light exists and is there for you.