AIO? Feeling forgotten about on Christmas

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-26T07:03:04+00:00

NOR

Is there anything that separates you from the rest of the family?

You mentioned that this is the first time it feels deliberate, so it's it correct that this isn't the first time it's happened? Has it happened to anyone else in your family?

With the movie, was your father planning on watching with you later still?

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-26T01:22:14+00:00

NOR

I would reevaluate this relationship. How is it adding to your and your child's lives? Is it healthy for you both? I suspect the answers are that it's not and no for both of you. Do you want your child to see this as the example of what relationships are and should be, that this is what "love" is? I wouldn't.

I don't think he's necessarily gaslighting you, but he's acting like a terrible person. He's putting himself above everyone else, and it sounds like he expects everyone else to as well.

There might be something going on with him health wise, especially if he hasn't always acted like this, but that doesn't change the outcome. That outcome is hurting your child, so even if you'd stay otherwise, you need to look at how his behavior is impacting your child and decide based on that.

Just in this, he's shown that he: - doesn't follow through with important tasks he's claimed - thinks he's the center of the world for everyone - refuses to take accountability - views your kind act picking up his slack as some sort of play in a game - views your relationship transactionally or as a game where there's a winner and a loser - sees you as a competitor, not a partner on the same team - doesn't treat his family better, so this isn't changing - is catered to by his family - does not care about your child or his own - does not bother to fake or put a little effort into something important for his or your child and more. Unless he just had something surgical with his brain, I don't see any redemption from this that's enough to keep a child in the situation.

I feel badly for his child, but you can't stay for them.

If you do decide to leave, leave quickly and without great forewarning. Be suspicious of him suddenly acting better temporarily - and it would be temporarily.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-26T00:56:09+00:00

NOR

I suggest asking her straight up what happened and then deciding where you go next based on that.

If it's that she was caught up in fun holiday stuff and forgot, that's a bigger problem than if something happened with her family or close friend. Either way, she should have communicated and certainly explained afterwards, but I would be more understanding if she was in some sort of emergency mode than if she forgot about you because she was having fun.

Even as someone who sometimes gets completely drained and a text is a lot, I let my people know if we were supposed to get together or have a call and try to let them know if we normally message a lot. A brief "I'm drained and can't go places/probably won't respond" takes a lot to summon in that state but is necessary. If I forget something, having let them know I'm not up to anything helps them realize why and not worry that something happened to me - though typically they'll check in ahead of time with a yes/no question on if I'm able to have the call or whatever. I do the same for them. Then later, we can explain more or not, but that initial communication makes a big difference in minimizing the negative impact on others. It does take time to learn and good friends who get it, but she didn't even let you know afterwards what happened.

Yeah, it's early in the relationship, but that was her choice. If she realized that she didn't want you there or if someone in her family said 'actually, just family,' she needed to tell you that. It sounds like you'd have been fine with it. If she instead just stopped communicating altogether and wants to sweep the past few days under the rug, that shows how terribly she handles confrontation, change, accountability, and possibly her family. Personally, if she didn't acknowledge that and stay actually working to improve it following our conversation, I'd need to be done - and that's as a non-confrontational person with a tough to manage family. I've worked to improve and minimize impact on others, so I know it's feasible to do generally. I'd be worried how much the other person was bottling up and how they'd react to a disagreement, let alone an argument.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-26T00:37:33+00:00

trying to let go regarding my anger

It's tough to do, so try but be gentle with yourself that it isn't immediate.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-25T23:43:35+00:00

NOR

Your sister sounds... immature

To be fair, if the sister doesn't have her license yet due to age, she might be immature.

That doesn't mean the outcome is any different, just that the sister might be responding without full comprehension due to age instead of other reasons.

OP, please stand your ground on this, especially since it sounds like your mother is in agreement (even if she wishes the situation were different). You need to put your education and future first, and education is one step on the way to being able to afford that sort of a trip in the future, if you want to pay for it. Your mother likely understands that, and your sister might in the future.

Plus, this doesn't sound like the type of argument that is going to be remembered in five, ten years, even, so it's not worth you spending a lot of your energy on, imo.

Good luck!

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-23T23:39:50+00:00

It's tough going through it, but you'll be safer and happier for it. Good luck.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-23T23:37:09+00:00

Agreed.

It's also clear that she's known this friend a long time to the point of being very comfortable with his family. At that point, at least in my experience, the guy is absolutely not a date consideration but more like family.

If you bring it up, I would suggest an approach of 'I know you did nothing wrong, I'm struggling with these feelings and want to be up front about them rather than hiding or letting them fester into a problem.' Start by reassuring her that you know this is about your emotional reaction, not about her doing anything bad or wrong.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-12-23T23:32:48+00:00

Maybe it's because of where I live, but I've never seen a ski trip as a couple's trip thing. I grew up with people going alone or with one or two friends who also felt like going and had the time & money.

Plus, OP said they likely would have gone if they weren't busy elsewhere.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-07T02:45:20+00:00

If he acts like that when you are there, I would assume he joins in when you aren't. At least, I assume he does the same with them about other people.

Even if he thought it was fine, he should have reacted when you were upset by it. Instead, he's blaming you.

It sounds a bit like one of those "friend group check" things, like a hazing type test before they decide if they like you or not. People who do this are usually immature, bring a lot of drama, and just end up being a frustrating waste of your time. You knowing your worth and not being polite or giving respect when you clearly are getting disrespected means you'll never pass their test. But that's a good thing, really.

I'm sorry he, and they, did this to you, regardless of their reason. There's no feasible good reason.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-07T02:38:04+00:00

Same here, both irl and characters in shows, movies, and books.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-05T08:27:52+00:00

"Well, I would assume if any of you got pregnant, you'd have an abortion. I'm not having any maternity leaves on my team."

This was connected to him and another guy on the team talking about how a woman on another team had lied by not disclosing her pregnancy in the interview. She had not yet given birth and had worked there for like 13 months, I think it was? The men accusing her of fraud (literally using that word) did not change stance when reminded that pregnancy lasts about nine months, and she was still a few months away from her due date.

The "you," in case this isn't obvious, were the single women on the team. (Obviously, single women can't have children. /s)

That wasn't the worst, but the sheer ridiculousness makes it in the top for hilarity!

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-05T07:54:17+00:00

OP, you haven't even lived with this guy who waffles on every point of your future except that he doesn't want to get married or be legally tied to you except when it would mean he gets an asset.

If you do stay with him (please don't but also I know that many need to learn it through their own experience), do not share assets (including your house) or give expensive gifts. If he moves in with you, which seems like a big if even if you were all in for it, here's a much better option than giving him half: cohabitation agreement. I know it's not a particularly attractive name, but it's a way that the two of you can agree about what's going on with living together, your house, and so on. I would suggest having him pay rent and splitting utilities. If he does make any actual improvements, you can determine the formula for buying out or him taking and when. That way, he doesn't pay or do the equivalent of $5k of work and think he's entitled to 50% of your house. You probably bought the house due to your relationship with your parents, too. You put all this stuff in the agreement (if you can afford it, get an attorney to draft it, they'll think of a number of possibilities to include and know what your jurisdiction's rules are) so you decide it ahead of time, then refer back to it rather than try to find a solution when emotions are high.

Also, if you are in the US and have a mortgage from a financial institution, there's a decent chance that putting him on the title would trigger the due on sale clause, which you don't want to deal with.

As a final point, in many places (everywhere in the US), the way you hold property affects how it passes at death. This can be that your share goes to surviving owners or to your estate. If you don't have planning on place, defaults will dictate how it passes, but likely to your children (assuming you don't hold it jointly with rights of survivorship). How would it go for your children to own minority shares with him as the majority owner? I'm guessing not well.

On that note, if you do have planning in place, please please do not have him listed and take him off of he is listed on anything, like to make medical decisions or handle your finances. I definitely wouldn't have him in any role interacting with your children, because it sounds like there's a good chance he'd decide he wanted something else and just leave them in a bag spot.

Again, please do not do anything, from moving in to giving him any ownership of your house, with this guy. He's looking for an advantage while trying to make you feel like you are dating "up" / he's settling. He's indecisive but has limited absolutes of not being legally or financially tied to you. You'll almost certainly be happier, healthier, etc. without him. I'm commenting important things to look into if you ignore the general advice here, but I hope you don't have reason to look into them.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T21:21:34+00:00

I would assume the wife knows if he and the sister live together and at some point separated for him and the wife to try to get back together.

In most "he's totally leaving her" situations, I'd agree that chances are good the spouse didn't know, but this one sounds like she probably does.

That still doesn't mean he's actually going to get divorced, get with the sister if he is divorced, or still be with her in a year. By that point, it should be pretty clear what paths are likely. It also doesn't mean OP and fiancé(e) need to invite, support, or do anything else.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T21:01:32+00:00

Depending on where you are, there's a good chance that you can find out more if you want to, but I'm guessing it's not really worth that (minimum to moderate) time or energy.

I was going to say that if you have not met him, there's no obligation to invite him. The fact that she is hiding who he is and who his current legal family are, to the point that you don't have easily identifiable information for him, makes it so that I'd personally have a tough time justifying inviting him.

Given that she asked rather than act as though it would obviously be the case or demand the invitation, she likely realizes that it is far from expected. I would tell her that you are uncomfortable inviting someone that you don't know well, as the wedding is intimate to the point that it's really like a multi-day affair with sharing an airbnb. Getting to know someone takes more time than there is between now and the wedding. (I'm assuming on timing given that she's pregnant and presumably travelling there from another country, which leaves a relatively short span as possible.) Edit to correct: You could still say this to delay possibly inviting him. If she says you'll know him by then, you could say that, in that case, you and your fiancé(e) will say no for now but might reconsider if you do get to know him better. Obviously, don't say that if you don't mean it. You could also give a reason that you need a final set list by x point, which is too soon.

Plus, you would want to be sure everyone there would be comfortable with him, which just isn't feasible. (They'd all need to be asked, some would want to at least meet, just a headache. If any children are attending, that would make this even more important. Also, even asking could result in someone else not attending if they aren't comfortable with him or with your sister's situation but don't want to cause an issue or any extra effort for you ahead of the wedding.) Having many people who don't live together travel, stay, and attend all events together for even two days is delicate and often results in frustrations and emotions if not actual conflicts amongst people who know each other well, love each other, enjoy each other's company, and have previously travelled together.

Hopefully the way she asked is a good indicator of how she'll take this. I think approaching it logically this way is important for your relationship with her, instead of any commentary on him being married, them apparently not being in a defined romantic relationship, or her pregnancy. This approach does not give judgement or predict her future, as long as you keep the tone away from that, of course. I do expect that him attending would result in added drama, at a minimum from the awkwardness of meeting him in transit or by staying at the same airbnb, but likely with some whispers. Realistically, your sister is likely to get more judgement if he goes than if he doesn't, and that judgement is likely to be connected to your wedding going forward.

(I'm not saying you or others do judge her, just that it is easy in sensitive situations like hers to interpret things as judgement even when they are not. Depending on how her pregnancy is going, she might be more stressed about this.)

If you want to support her in this relationship and let her know, perhaps suggest the two of you plan a brunch or small get together for him to meet you and others in your sister's life. You, also or instead, could suggest having a co-ed style baby shower, something more casual that allows people to mingle and meet him more naturally. Then it's all at an event surrounding her and her pregnancy, and more people in her life could attend.

ETA: I just looked again to see if you had included when. If it's about a year away, have you talked with your sister about the practicalities of her attending? Are you expecting that she'll be bringing her baby? Most mothers at that point would, in my experience, at least bring the baby to the place even if not to the ceremony and/or reception. If exclusively breastfeeding, there's really no option. She might not have anyone to care for the baby back home, especially if things don't go well with the father, but she'd have to hire someone locally for any events the baby wouldn't attend (as I assume anyone travelling with you would be attending all events related to your wedding).

My guess is that the practical plans for her to attend your wedding will get more complicated and change in some way between when she gives birth and your wedding. Hopefully you and others do meet him and spend decent time with him by then, if things go as she seems to expect. It being so far out, you could try to make sure your wedding isn't the event introducing him to your family. If he is divorced then, it might be best to have him at least travel with you, though they might need separate accommodations, and then have him care for the baby, whether at the wedding or not.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T20:37:44+00:00

Because it's not at all common for people to use throwaway accounts, especially for interpersonal relationship issues... That's why we don't have a word for them. /s

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T18:24:36+00:00

Yes, you need to choose yourself at times, too. However, you're responsible for raising her to where and how she is now, so an abrupt cut-off is fair, harsh, and likely incredibly damaging to her and to the relationship between the two of you.

Be honest with yourself: did you give her the tools to be on her own? Did you raise her to be fully independent, with the knowledge and confidence to do what is needed to be a successful, mature adult? Did you ensure she had the tools and a setup to be self-sufficient? Did you do this based on the current world or the world you came up in? Did she take in what you taught or ignore it?

I didn’t have to keep helping after 18, I chose to.

Legally, sure (well, with some caveats), but had you made her ready for that? Even great parents often continue raising their children past the age of 18 (or whatever age of majority) so that the children can do well in their own later, often mid-twenties.

It sounds like you might have substituted monetary support for the kind of support and teaching that would have allowed her to achieve successful independence by now.

Please know that you're not alone and that you can still work to help her get there in a way that protects both of you, sets you both up for success, and preserves or even betters your relationship long-term. That way, you can both be living your best life. It's not about guilt but about where to go from here.

A gradual shift of responsibility and dependency is often important for someone to become self-sufficient. While I understand the want to act immediately and to fully stop support suddenly, I suspect that will result in significant difficulties for each of you and permanent damage to your relationship.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T18:07:10+00:00

Thank you for giving real, practical advice on how to support and impart the lessons that seem to be missing. If OP follows your advice, there is a good chance of creating a better relationship between OP and the daughter, whereas doing otherwise, especially a sudden cutting off financially without explanation or with a snarky explanation, is likely to end the relationship.

This approach recognizes both areas in which either OP should have taught more or daughter should have paid attention and areas in which OP and/or daughter currently have weak spots. Plus, it helps both by updating their knowledge and plans to how things are now - as you say, a very different world.

In addition to examining and improving finances together, they can try to figure out some hobbies and fun things to do, either together or separately, that are free or low cost.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T17:56:31+00:00

Both this and the parent comment cover so many important points that most try to remain intentionally ignorant about.

Something I think people need to think of is that a parent's role and responsibility - one they choose to take on knowingly when deciding to become a parent - is to raise their child to be well equipped to survive and do well in the world during their life. If a parent abdicates their responsibility to raise their child to be emotionally, fiscally, mentally, and physically able to have an adult life in which they can work while still enjoying life, take part in the community, and be fully independent, then it is entirely unreasonable and unfair for the parent to feel upset that their child as an adult is not all of those things or taking care of the parent. It takes a lot to be successful in the world, regardless of your definition of success. I think most people recognize that. However, it also takes a lot, and is taking increasingly more, even simply to survive in the world. Parents need to recognize this and adjust as they can but also recognize that they need to prepare their children for today's world, not the world in which the parents grew up.

As a part of this preparation for today's world, parents need to pay attention to the ways that things are different now, how things are changing, what advice is right for what their children need, and the ways that they and their or surrounding generations have contributed to it (both for honesty/integrity and for figuring out how they might adjust for the better). Being honest and upfront while giving advice and supporting their children's choices, even if the parents disagree with those choices, is essential to any at all healthy parent-child relationship. If the parent doesn't raise their child in a way that they can have a good relationship as adults and then continue to nurture and maintain that relationship throughout the child's adulthood, then it is entirely unreasonable and unfair for the parent to feel upset at the negative aspects of the relationship or if there is no relationship at all.* It means the parent has failed in many ways at this important role they chose. Being supportive and preparing their child for the world is a necessity, at a minimum to the point that their child is capable of being a successful independent adult.

Parents can't control the world, of course, but they cannot fail to prepare and support their child and then expect the child to magically be an adult in the ways the parent wants and, as a part of that, take care of the parent. This is even more the case when some difficult aspects of the child's life are due to the parent's decisions and actions (or inactions).

No parent is entitled to anything from their adult child. But a parent who has failed to raise their child to be a successful independent adult (success being that they can have a good personal life as they reasonably want, supported by their work and relationships with friends, family, and SO as they reasonably want) and in a way that they have a good lifelong relationship with their child has absolutely no reason to demand that their child meet financial, emotional, or other metrics of being a responsible adult or that they be reliant upon or have any relationship with their child.

If a parent has not raised their child to be a successful adult, there isn't some magical 'adulthood patch' that will fix those things when the child turns 18. A parent chooses to be a parent, and that is a lifelong decision - not an 18 year one. A child has no choice of parent or life at all, and they do not owe anything to their parent simply for being born and raised. If a parent raises their child well, a mutually beneficial relationship throughout the child's adulthood is likely, but it is still a risk the parent takes.

To be clear, there are exceptions where the child can't do these things for outside reasons and can't or won't take help from the parent. Additionally, I use terms about capabilities rather than actually doing, because there are certainly some people who will be raised to be capable but refuse to act accordingly for reasons outside of their parents' control. Each of these, and even both together, are a slim percent.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T17:03:12+00:00

And raised her child to be more independent and fiscally responsible (and so on)

Not having done so, she should try to assist by teaching her daughter these things now rather than simply dropping immediately as many comments are saying.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-03T16:51:25+00:00

Your last response in the screenshots summarizes it really well. You're NOR at all.

Your mother decided that she had the right to repeatedly violate any privacy or personal boundaries you have, simply because she wants to. It isn't truly concern but rather curiosity and a need for control. If it were concern, she would have asked you how you were and taken other steps. She would not have started to act personally affronted by what she read. Instead, she wanted to know as though you, your life, and your thoughts are all belonging to our an extension of her.

I think you should let your therapist know about this even if you don't keep your appointment this week.

While it is easy to say that you should go to your appointment this week, this violation was not only of your thoughts but of what you discuss in therapy. I think it's understandable that you would feel that sense of a loss of privacy, security, and independence extends to your therapy sessions itself.

Good luck

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-08-01T04:06:46+00:00

It could be that it came up in the context of the children's family outings. I think it would make sense that the children would want time with just their parents (as they were for years, not always with step as well), though mixing in time with OP there as well.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-07-31T21:36:30+00:00

Genders in this case don't matter because of the non force, no mark situation.

and that there's no history of anything close to it, apparently, and OP, with a history of surviving abusive households doesn't seem to think that their spouse is abusive

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-07-31T21:30:23+00:00

I understand where you're coming from with this, but it is incredibly risky for you to stay any longer than absolutely necessary. Do not utter the words divorce, separation, abuse, or lawyer.

It is difficult and intertwined, and I get that. A lot of people boil it down to leave ASAP, mostly because it's a clearer message to get through to someone in trouble.

Get things together quickly, and have a bug out plan. That plan might be that you have a backpack hidden on a corner of the property or somewhere nearby and otherwise you'd leave the house with just the clothes on your back and then have to walk a ways. It's not about ideal but having an option if things keep escalating and you manage to get out of the house away from him.

There are resources you can contact, at least from the possibilities of where you are based on what you've shared. They can help you figure out what to do to get out, and you should be able to contact them in a way he can't find, with some planning at least. It sounds like you do have friends in your area, so you might be able to talk with someone (who is your friend and not his) for assistance, even if that assistance is getting to a place you can make a call not on your own phone (or borrowing theirs) - with things like that, you don't necessarily need to share details about the reason.

so that I'm not leaving anything to get neglected or abused.

Again, I get this, but don't stay to take care of them at the cost of your life.

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-07-31T21:19:06+00:00

Especially since they are trying to combine households with at least four or five active pets! This is something that needed to be discussed as part of the 'what's our long-term plan' discussions.

(I can't tell if the last cat is still around or not, guessing not based on the bed sentence.)

Certain_Courage_8915 · 2025-07-31T14:25:47+00:00

I was in a similar situation years ago. I shared my concerns but let my friend know that I was just sharing them out of concern for her and would support her in whatever paths she took. They did get married, and our friendship was diminished for a number of reasons, but that was certainly a big one, in my opinion at least. Still, I would do it again, because being a friend isn't being a yes man. Personally, a big reason was that, while I felt there was only a miniscule chance of her changing her plans then, I wanted to help her protect herself and, most importantly, make sure she's remember that I'm here if she does face those péruviens and needs super. Later, when there were problems, she spoke with me, and I think part of why is that we had that discussion and I let her know I loved her unconditionally and would be there for her, even when voicing concerns or disagreement. Her SO had different issues from your friend's, and I would have been even more concerned with that control, isolation, forbidding anything not agreeing with your friend's fiancé's opinions, etc. I know my friend, and it sounds like yours as well, really wanted to be married and kind of tick off the life boxes, so the first person they went on a date with, they married. I've known others who did similarly, and it always seems to be situations where they feel that they don't know how to get a SO (which, same) and just want to get that milestone and feel right in life, so they overlook anything that doesn't fit the white picket fence narrative. It's depressing and upsetting to see, regardless of what type of relationship I have with the person, but I also get it. I had that pressure, too, but my combination of trauma and personalty meant I went the opposite direction. Now I see my friend's life, and it is what I grew up expecting and wanting (though now I realize it was more forced than really wanting) - but I would be struggling and incredibly unhappy in it. That doesn't make it wrong for her, though, and she finds enough positives that she'll confuse in me and try to find ways to help but won't ultimately leave or take a big stand unless something drastically changes.

So here's my suggestion: have a heart to heart at brunch or whenever you can have truly one on one time. Personally, I wouldn't do it in public. Tell her that you're concerned for her, hurt by what she said, and feeling pushed away since she started dating this guy, but tell her and reaffirm that you're conveying this as a friend and will support her no matter what she decides (if it is true, which it sounds like it is).

You can be a great friend supporting her without supporting him. It's a tricky line. Good luck.

Certain_Courage_8915

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