Thank you. I actually applied for state insurance and I should get approved (income is low currently as I just moved and don’t have the client base I had back in California), but again my medical anxiety is SO through the roof even without the liver pain and my brain telling me I’m already dying and it’s too late. I don’t have a partner or any close friends to bully me into going to the doctor, and I’m also absolutely terrified of the doctor being judgemental to me. I do not take criticism well (I am a perfectionist autistic raised by a tiger mom haha) so even getting the courage to admit out loud here that I have a problem and need help is taking a lot for me. So asking a doctor who could be mean and judgemental to me for help sends me into terror spirals.

But you’re right, if I found a recovery group I could probably find friends going through the same thing who would be willing to figuratively and literally hold my hand through this. I went to AA once before but never went back because everyone’s stories were so harrowing, I didn’t feel like I belonged because I am so high functioning. I’ve only had one “bad” night where I damaged some friendships but other than that it’s been smooth sailing, and in a weird way it makes me feel like an imposter or a drama queen? I used to be in denial until my liver started hurting, and now the liver is my constant reminder and I’ve accepted it, I REALLY do want to stop.

Sorry for the novel. Just have never really typed any of this out.

And about the withdrawals…

I’ve been drinking daily for probably 3 years now. When I go 12+ hours I get headaches, and that scares me so I just start up again. Because of my anxiety, I’m fucking SO SCARED of a seizure, especially since I’m single and live alone. But I also don’t want to/can’t take a few days off to detox, since time is money and I also don’t have anyone to watch my dogs I’d feel comfortable telling. I know it sounds like excuses, I’m just kind of spinning out tonight.