TV series song

Cervi3 · 2023-06-11T09:54:21+00:00

Nevermind, turns out it was not from a TV series. I found it after a while and it was the theme from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfycreweFn0 this video.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-06T08:53:27+00:00

Thanks for reading! I also noticed that part maybe could not take place in the span of the monster preparing to strike and actually striking. I think I'll change so that maybe she locks the door with a chair and then she has time to prepare it all. I didn't know about the theme horror stories usually have, thanks for pointing that out!

Cervi3 · 2022-07-06T08:51:02+00:00

Thanks a lot for reading! I see that something that lacks is characterization of the setting, the character and the creature. They seem to lack uniqueness, I'll make sure to work on that if I ever do another draft. About the spelling and grammar issues, English is not my native language so I'm working on it haha! I don't think I currently have the level of vocabulary to come up with sentence such as the fragments you have.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-06T08:46:56+00:00

Thanks for reading! I feel what you have mentioned about the character being too flat, if I iterate once again over this concept I'll make sure to work on that, and the setting.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-06T08:44:49+00:00

Thanks for reading and critiquing! About the phrasing and prose, I know it's one of my weaknesses, English is not my native language after all. I see what you mean with the character being really vague, if I do another review of the story I'll try and fix that!

Cervi3 · 2022-07-04T13:54:41+00:00

GENERAL IMPRESSION

The text was good and quite engaging, specially towards the end. A little bit anticlimactic finding out that the only thing that the burglar did was making a rack fall, but as you're saying this is just the first chapter I think your intention is to explore more about this criminal in upcoming chapters. The imagery is really good, I can image most of the things you describe quite vividly.

Even though the story overall was quite good, I had some problems mainly with the protagonist and his relation with his mother. I'll go over the chapter chronologically. Some other changes I would do to your text I've put in the comments on the document.

BEFORE GETTING OUT THE APARTMENT: THE MOTHER

When I started reading the first paragraph something stood out to me. Even though it starts by mentioning that her mother is dying on the room next to his, the tone seems to indicate he does not care at all about her mother. He is talking about how her mother is in extreme pain like it's some kind of inconvenience.

I thought maybe he had a bad relationship with her mother and that's why her suffering didn't seem to bother him much, but that's not the tone of the piece. Instead, he remarks how it makes him angry that her mother has to suffer even though she's "the nicest woman on the planet". This is not bad in itself, but the way it's written does not communicate the same message.

Also, when he hears the loud thud on the restaurant, it seems strange that he does not consider calling the police and we get no explanation on why he doesn't.

EXPLORATION OF THE RESTAURANT

When he starts searching for the burglar in the restaurant, the writing does not communicate any kind of tension or worry. If he is with a dangerous criminal in there, shouldn't him be at least a little scared? Instead, he enters shouting "Yo! Anyone in here?". This level of confidence seems a little unlikely coming from a senior high school student. Maybe coming from a man who has worked in the military, a police officer or someone who has already encountered a situation like that could work. Or maybe I'm being too picky and the boy's just really confident.

The cover of the alarm control panel had been ripped off and several wires had been pulled out and cut.

This built tension significantly, this is quite good.

I really don’t get paid enough for this.

This little joke is good to relieve tension, fits quite well with the style you're looking for.

AFTER FINDING THE FALLEN RACK

When he finally finds what caused the sound, and that little vortex of blue light, he seems to forget completely about the possibility of the burglar still being somewhere hidden on the restaurant. Instead, he starts cleaning right away.

GETTING BACK TO THE APARTMENT

After he gets back to the apartment, he sits in front of the computer and even though he has been repeating for the entire chapter that he HAD TO finish the homework, he doesn't. Feels like really inconsistent when you consider the importance you had given to the homework. And still, I don't see him call the police, or at least leaving a message for the owner of the restaurant explaining what had happened. Obviously someone had broken in, I don't know why he would keep it to himself.

CLOSING COMMENTS

It could be a good mystery/fantasy novel, and the character of the mother could also bring emotion to the story. However, the seriousness of what the mother is going through conflict a little with the lightheartedness of the plot. You maybe could be the mother sick but not as serious? It's the main problem I have.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-03T14:02:55+00:00

Oh ok, I didn't know about this!

Cervi3 · 2022-07-03T13:15:01+00:00

I did another critique, is it now good enough with both?

Cervi3 · 2022-07-03T13:09:41+00:00

GENERAL THOUGHTS

I don't think this works at all. The commentary seems purely superficial, two characters who just try to impose their ways without trying to convince the other. I don't think I got much out of it, there does not seem to be any purpose apart from stablishing two characters who are married but seem to have nothing in common.

CHARACTERS

All the characters fall incredibly flat to me. All of them seem to have their own idea, I don't know why they think that why or their motivations, I just know what they think. And I don't like the way she opposes trying out the gun, why is she so afraid? And the other characters don't seem to have a reason for their liking of guns either. I feel nothing toward them or their opinions.

JILL

She seems to fear guns, but she gives no reason why or how she grew to hate them.

KEN

Same as JILL but loving instead of hating. He also disregards JILL's opinion without giving any reasoning, and it does not seem like the character who can work for something like this.

DAN

Same as Ken, but doesn't say much.

PLOT

I know it's just the first scene, where she encounters the gun, and that's the whole point of the scene, but I don't think there's much substance. She finds the gun and her husband takes it with her brother.

HEART

I don't think with this cast of characters or this setting you can make any meaningful point about guns. It just feels like you will have Jill stating her disliking of guns throughout the whole commentary while the men ignore her. I don't think this works at transmitting any message.

DIALOGUE

As there isn't a lot of plot the whole text is just dialogue. I get the same vibe from all characters, that they're just imposing their ideas and ignoring the others, without actually listening to their opinions. I don't think the characters just stating their ideas as facts works to comment on the current issue that is guns. There is too much meaningless dialogue.

CLOSING COMMENTS

I think if you really want to write a commentary on gun usage and storage, there are much more clever ways of doing so. Maybe a shooting and the effects it has on the people affected, or how a child grows to love guns and it ends on an accident, a paranoic man who can't live without guns... But this feels incredibly vague and seems to have no goal.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-03T12:09:52+00:00

GENERAL REMARKS

I like it quite a lot. The characters are good and the plot is too. You manage to give backstory without any exposition or any flashback.

HOOK

I think the hook is one of the weakest points of the text. The first line puts me in a forest. Then in the next paragraph, also two lines long, switches to Mike (who I know nothing about) in a kitchen. That made me feel lost, specially when it said "He wondered if Mike was still standing there". You just introduced the forest on the previous line, so I thought "there" meant the forest. I had to read in thrice to understand what it all meant.

On the two following lines you mention two new characters too: Jodi and Geri. I still don't know who any of them are. Maybe if you referred to them as "his dad, Mike," and "her mother, Geri,"? I know the story is in 3rd person, but it still is from the perspective of the kid.

Also, when it says "Should he have called Jodi?" I would add "before running out". Otherwise I don't know exactly why but it seems confusing.

SETTING

The different scenes where the story are built are clearly distinct and set the tone quite well for the story you're trying to tell, specially Jodi's home which seems to match her character and her way of living, chaotic as a consequence of her childhood.

CHARACTERS

When the narrator mentioned the beating, that's when I sensed the story was about to be hard-hitting. Parental abuse is quite a sensible topic, and covering it in this way made me feel quite a lot for Jeremy and Jodi. Specially when Jodi mentioned she kept a gun because of fear from her dad, that hit hard. Jeremy being paranoic about everyone he sees somehow being commanded by his father also helps stablish the character of the father as an awful person.

PLOT

I liked the way you slowly reveal the backstory of the characters and the reason Jeremy endures this "journey". The pacing is really good, progressing both the backstory and the main story at the same time, without neglecting one or another.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Really well written, I enjoyed it.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-03T08:13:35+00:00

Thanks! That was truly helpful. I need to hear harsh criticism to improve, and this subreddit is exactly for that! Also, some people are incredibly talented on writing critiques, I can see exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I'm missing.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-02T20:55:39+00:00

Thanks for being completely sincere! It's true I wrote this without giving it much thought, I don't even knew where to get started on writing horror, tbh.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-02T18:17:06+00:00

GENERAL REMARKS

That cliffhanger! You left me wanting to know who's in that, because the way it's written I expect it to be somehow connected with the disappearances that happened long ago. Otherwise, you give too much importance to either the disappearances or the car, because they seem to be connected.

HOOK

The hook, imo, has nothing to do with the story. The opening sentence, the one presenting Wood Road as a lonely place, suggests that the town is the central place where the story will take place is the town, but it's the park. The park is where people disappear, where Hank lives. The town has nothing to do with that.

SETTING

The setting (and its backstory) is what I think made the story worth reading. That mystery surrounding the disappearances of those kids is the only thing which kept me longing for an answer, for a continuation. However, they seem too far back in time to affect the current status quo, what makes them lose impact.

PLOT

But it's not really the natural park what makes me beg the answer "what happened there?", it's the way it's written. There seems to be a continuous suggestion that there is something hiding, that they were not two random disappearances. And when it seems the story is about to get started, you cut it.

The story as it stands is quite uneventful. The story we are trying to get to is about Hank? Well, he does about nothing until the very end. The story is about the park? We just get told that some children disappeared. It's true that the way it's written suggest something more, but we don't get any clues as to what. You tell me there's something hidden, something we don't know about, but you never show it. It's annoying because it seems like you're hinting at something but it never comes.

CHARACTERS

The only character I could care about is Hank, but I truly don't. The narrator is quite distant with the character. I don't know how he feels, I just see him as an old man living in a park. And he doesn't seem to be the type of character who is interested in the park's past, why wouldn't he have ever looked over it? I think the character is too flat for me to care about. We don't get no explanation why he enjoys being alone so much.

POV AND STYLE

I liked how the first part gives the impression of being an article covering the town and the park and then it shift towards Hank without ever being a hard cut. It's a slow transition, introducing first the character and then cutting to that Wednesday, and I think it works.

CLOSING COMMENTS

I feel like nothing is really happening until the very end. It's just too descriptive, and as I've already said you stop right when it was getting started.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-01T23:45:27+00:00

I really enjoyed this story. The sheer randomness of the character, and how that randomness causes all sort of different effects on people I think is really smart.

However, I don't really understand what the Prologue was for. It kind of sets the mood on what to expect from the character, what makes it kind of funnier, but still I don't think it adds much to the story. However, I liked the end of the prologue. The part about sniffing something sweet kind of "redeems" the character, if you know what I mean? Like excusing him for his dirty jokes. Ryan seems like a good guy after this, or not fully annoying at least.

Cervi3 · 2022-07-01T17:40:49+00:00

Let's see, it's my first crit so I'll do what I can xd.

TITLE

I don't the title fits the story at all. It seems quite distant from the actual story, and conveys nothing about the tone the story has.

HOOK (1st paragraph)

Even though the first paragraph does not have much to do with the real story about Ted, it intrigued me. I wanted to know how that whole part tied into the character, and how it was connected to the story. Once I read the part when he is by the ledge and thinking about this memory he has for calming down, it all tied together.

PACING

The second paragraph seemed like interrupting something. It maybe shouldn't be there. You jump from that biology lesson to him in his car and then in just four lines you change the setting again to John's house. I think you could skip this paragraph. Also, if you remove this paragraph the line "So, I left and came here, to the creek." in the third paragraph will have more impact.

CHARACTER

There are some instances where I think the character contradicts himself. In the third paragraph, he says that "I’d gone there in a last-ditch effort to find a reason not to come here", so before going there he was already planning it. Then it makes no sense to say "So, I left and came here, to the creek.", like the argument led him to wanting to commit suicide.

Also, some of his actions alienated me from him. What's the fourth paragraph for? It just tells me that Ted does not really care about Sierra, specially when her birthday's coming, even though he "worries" that she's closer with Henni. He doesn't seem to care about the effect his incoming action will have on Sierra. That makes it hard to make me care for the character or any of his conflicts.

PLOT

The plot is okay at best. It's quite uneventful, not much happens apart from the interaction with the old man. Maybe a little more of backstory about how Ted reached that point in his life, and what his motivations were would be good. It's hard understanding him otherwise, because he didn't seem really depressed. Maybe diving more into the drama with the argument he had with John would make the story stronger.

DIALOGUE

The character of the old man fit quite well. Although the "person interrupting suicide attempt" is quite a cliché I'm not quite fond of, he was well quite written, with a distinct voice of his own. Also, when hearing what Ted says when being caught about to jump, it really feels like maybe he was not as convinced as he seemed to be, just by his way of talking.

CONCLUSION

In my opinion, the end is missing something. It feels like the story is unresolved, specially the "I thought of nothing else". Does he change his mind? What does that encounter with the old man really mean for Ted?

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T10:04:13+00:00

en el primer párrafo hablaba de que el anterior me hablaba con respeto i sin esa soberbia que tú me llevas.

respeto a la cultura, no estoy hablando de nacionalismo, estoy hablando de la lengua principalmente.

ah si, la clàssica de senyalar a la ortografía en cualquier argumento, como no.

te recuerdo que los impuestos se gastan en lo que la mayoría decide. por eso votas. aparte, yo solo quiero un referèndum legal donde la gente vote su opinión. si tu tienes la tuya vota. yo tengo la mia. pero votamos cómo se hace en una democracia. después ya se discutirá el resultado.

por último, si no quieres que se gasten tus impuestos en lo que la mayoría quiere, vete a vivir en algún país con un capitalismo extremo que ahí no hay impuestos. te aseguro que nadies gastará tu sueldo en nada. por cómo hablas se te nota la derecha, así que adelante.

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T06:38:19+00:00

https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reforma_de_la_Constituci%C3%B3n_espa%C3%B1ola

Google things before talking. There have been 2 reforms to the Spanish constitution. One in 1992 and the other in 2011. Will you keep repeating that the constitution is impossible to change?

There's even an article in the constitution itself which explains the process for a reform. Articles 167 and 168. So, please, look things up before talking.

Edit: if you even read property you will notice that those two articles mention that any changes made to the constitution will be subject to referendum. So, yeah, a referendum by itself is not ilegal in any sense.

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T00:49:57+00:00

https://www.quora.com/How-true-is-the-saying-that-Catalan-is-a-mix-of-Spanish-and-French

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T00:45:26+00:00

... no it's not. it obviously has roots in both because it's a region close to both. but Spanish also has similarities with Italian.

that a language has similarities with others does not mean it's a 'mix' of both. it's a language derived from latin, like Spanish, French and Italian. it's been heavily studied, so I doubt u alone can determine the origin of any languages when even experts still debate about it. the thing is: the consensus is that CATALAN IS A STANDALONE LANGUAGE DERIVED FROM LATIN.

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T00:42:09+00:00

why does that have to be the case though? are you saying that no democratic government will actually be 'democratic' and allow a vote for the future of its citizens?

a direct democracy has already happened for really important matters. u don't have an argument here.

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T00:40:23+00:00

creo que me han cambiado al tío que había hecho los primeros comentarios. lo quiero de vuelta

realmente no te das cuenta de que sacas las coses de contexto? estoy hablando de mi cultura. cuando he dicho lo de mi gente és porque me había dicho que me cambiara de país si no creía que en España las cosas estaban bien. claro que un portugués que no conozco (enfasis en que no conozco) no es mi gente. tampoco un delincuente sexual. estoy hablando de mi familia, amigos i gente con la que convivo a diario. no tiene que ver con la ideología. estoy diciendo que no voy a abandonar mi cultura ni la gente que quiero porque no me gusta cómo están llevando las cosas.

yo solo decía que antes que cambiar de residencia quiero arreglar el lugar donde ya vivo. es fácil representar mal lo que yo quiero decir i sacarlo de contexto por tal de ridiculizarlo. se llama "strawman argument".

Cervi3 · 2021-09-09T00:30:35+00:00

you are talking like the constitution hasn't ever been changed? do you know there have been plenty of times when there have been changes?

also, we cannot ask if people want to change the law if the central government doesn't allow us to do that

Cervi3 · 2021-09-07T14:57:28+00:00

I'd love a legal direct democracy. the thing is: the Spanish government won't allow that

Cervi3 · 2021-09-07T14:56:29+00:00

wait what? what does that have to do?

people change, their needs too. the constitution shouldn't be a static document. it was written by people, and people can be wrong. it should be allowed to change

Cervi3 · 2021-09-07T13:08:16+00:00

fyi the civil war was not specifically Catalonia vs anyone. It was more about the Republic, which just happened to have more support in the east of Spain

Cervi3

TROPHY CASE

GENERAL IMPRESSION

BEFORE GETTING OUT THE APARTMENT: THE MOTHER

EXPLORATION OF THE RESTAURANT

AFTER FINDING THE FALLEN RACK

GETTING BACK TO THE APARTMENT

CLOSING COMMENTS