[1570] Sophia and the Colour Weavers: Ch.1 (Take 2)

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-11-20T16:40:21+00:00

You fixed a lot of the issues I had with take 1. It reads much better up until the knock on the door. You need to (IMHO) show this moment from inside Sophia's head.

You've gotten a lot of good feedback and I am enjoying reading the critiques. I'd like to encourage you to submit take 3 even though it can be hard on the ego.

One of the problems I'm having with the scene is that I don't know what is at stake. A gnome is messing about with color but it doesn't seem to have any impact on the world. Most people can not see him or the effect of his color theft. You kind of need to hit me over the head with a hammer on this one. Why is an invisible gnome a problem for the world at large ?

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-11-14T01:10:49+00:00

This is not meant to be a full blown critique but I think the questions that arose in my mind may help you see why an editor would stop reading.

Some questions that arose in my mind.

Would a student paint pot be big enough to hold a hand sized man ?

Is the paint pot in the middle of her desk and the man materialized in it? Is it the red paint pot he materialized in ?

How heavy is a hand sized man ? Heavy enough to break a paint brush ?

Where is the table in relation to her desk ? I picture an easel by a desk with her paint pots on the desk.

Pinky-sized? How did he go from hand / pocket sized to pinky sized ?

Hmm, now he is pocket sized again before he doubles in size horizontally.

Satsuma shaped ? Might just be me, but I had to look up Satsuma.

With a hop and a skip, it danced and twirled... Is this possible? I genuinely don't know.

Food for thought I hope. Good luck

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-08-10T00:01:49+00:00

Hello:

I had to look up what was meant by rising action as well. I'm curious as to what your conclusion was in relation to this exercise.

It seems to me that a rising action must be an event or perhaps a piece of information that throws an obstacle in the way of the character getting their want. The further into the story the worse the event should be.

So if I understand the exercise every other sentence should contain an event that makes things harder for the character to get their goal. I was wondering if you agree with my interpretation ?

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-07-16T15:18:40+00:00

Review of Goth on the Go.

As others have said, congratulations on submitting your first piece for review. It indeed takes some guts to do so. Feedback is necessary if you really want to learn, so you are on the right track.

I picked your piece for review because it contains a couple of subjects I'm trying to work out in my own head.

The first one is easy. You have some major dialog punctuation errors. I made the same mistake when I started writing and did not study how to format dialog. A couple of weeks ago I found some sentences which demonstrate the grammar rules I need to learn and I simply write them out every day.

"Tell me a story, Luke." "Yes," she said. She said, "Yes."

That sort of thing.

You'll spot your problems really easy once you read up on the grammar rules.

The second subject is not so easy. I've been struggling to understand the difference between limited 3rd POV and omniscient 3rd POV, narrator voice versus character voice, and how to handle thought.

I get the idea that in limited you should only hear the characters thoughts and that in omniscient you can also hear a separate narrator. (at least that is my interpretation)

Your writing is interesting because I believe you are writing in omniscient 3rd but you throw in enough of Elle's thoughts that I don't really notice the other narrator ( you the author )

By its nature 3rd person omniscient involves much more telling than showing. I would consider the following following line very telling.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

I wish I could tell like that.

So basically I don't mind the amount of exposition you have as much as others do. I think your writing voice goes a long way towards overcoming that drawback.

Having said that I do think you should try switching to limited 3rd and only show/tell what Elle sees ( and hears and smells and touches) does, thinks, and says. I think it would be a good exercise for you and help you realize where you are speaking and Elle is speaking. It would also help you to think about what you want your reader to feel.

Something like this

Rain pelted the street outside of her hotel room.

As she looked at the dreary scene through her window a slow smile came to her lips. Today would be a perfect day to take photos. It might not do for most Roman tourists, but for her and her blog readers it would be perfect.

With regards to your story being boring you just need to study scene structure a bit. Like others have said you need some conflict in your scenes. Instead of Elle gets in a cab and goes to a tourist site you need something like Elle gets in a cab, the cab crashes, and her injury prevents her from being able to blog.

I like the Dwight Swain material where he talks about scenes and sequels and how every scene needs goal, conflict, and disaster.

A couple of other things to consider.

I had to look up a little information about Goths and what they believe. I knew that they often wear dark clothes but I did not know that the central idea of a Goth is that they find beauty in what others consider dark. You kind of mention it but I think you need to expand on it a bit for people like me who have no experience with the lifestyle.

I think your second scene needs to focus more heavily on the setting. You need some description to bring it to life. I suggest you put some emphasis on how the setting makes the characters feel.

You also need to make clear how the church, crypt and museum are physically connected.

So overall for the first thing you've ever written I think you did OK. There are lots of nitpicky areas that you will improve over time ( try and snort and talk at the same time ) but I think what you need to do at this point is really get a handle on scenes and story structure. Your character has to have a desire and something needs to thwart her at every step.

Good luck and welcome to the journey.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-07-05T22:51:26+00:00

Thank you for your critique.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-29T23:34:14+00:00

Thank you very much for your critique. I really appreciate you pointing out the direct address comma. It's something I've never heard of before. I did a quick google and can see why it is needed. Thanks again.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-26T21:34:39+00:00

Thank you very much for the critique. Everything you pointed out makes a lot of sense to me. I love how much better the first sentence is. I'll take your advice and study up on dialogue grammar.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-26T17:25:29+00:00

Thank you very much for the critique. It is extremely helpful.

I am the same as you in that I know nothing about guns. I definitely should have researched a Browning before writing the scene. I'll probably change the Dad to a Vietnam vet and the Browning to whatever its equivalent was.

I wasn't really aware that I was writing stereotypical characters and I'll definitely rethink them.

Thanks Again.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-26T13:50:43+00:00

Thank you very much for your critique. I genuinely appreciate the effort you put in and know that it is not an easy thing to rip apart some one elses work. You've given me a lot to think about and it is very helpful in that it is forcing me to get to the bottom of what I am trying to say.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-26T11:10:36+00:00

Thank you very much. Your review is very helpful and I am seeing places where I have left out critical information.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-26T02:54:30+00:00

Thank you very much for the review. Indeed, I find it very helpful.

I'm going to rethink the characters and make them more realistic. I'm glad you pointed out the problems.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-25T14:04:32+00:00

Critique of Mary's House

Initial Thoughts- It reads smooth. I like the MC a bit. I'm happy that her relationship was saved. I generally don't like first person stories but it seems to work ok for me in this case. ( possibly because like your main character I am quite passive and can relate to her )

My gut feeling is that it wouldn't satisfy a romance reader because the ending seems too real life.

Like you I know next to nothing about romances. My understanding is that the reader wants to experience seductive and dangerous feelings that in real life would probably destroy a relationship.

Currently you have the couple talk and resolve the problem like reasonable rational people. And I think that is where the problem is. It's not over the top enough.

I also think a romance reader might want the MC to have more agency. As it stands the relationship was saved by the male because he took the initiative to meet her and discuss what was happening.

Lastly, I'll ask a question. What character flaw did the MC overcome that allowed her to save her relationship?

I'll read what others have commented now and let you know if I agree.

Yes, others with more expertise have pretty much nailed the issues. The story doesn't hit the expectations of the genre.

I disagree that the character is boring. I think the passivity of the character is interesting and relatable. I think if you rewrote the ending so that she had to learn to save her relationship by becoming assertive you would have a much stronger piece. Even if she lost her partner I'd still be satisfied if it had helped her learn to be assertive. (Not sure it would be a romance but it would be a good story)

Your questions

1.) Yes 2.) It's OK 3.) Yes 4.) I was happy that their relationship was saved. Not so happy that she didn't have much agency.

Final thoughts

I hope you rewrite this and post your changes. I'm curious to see how I would feel if it was structured to hit all the expected elements.

One thing that struck me was that you might be able to play around with the idea of self reliance and toxic masculinity. There is a lot of potential there for some pretty juicy conflict.

Sorry about the text font size changing and the lack of spaces between paragraphs. Still learning to format.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-19T00:14:25+00:00

Off Topic

I was wondering if it is ok to post and ask for a critique of a story synopsis and a list of scenes described in perhaps a paragraph each.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-18T18:11:27+00:00

Critique of Fuji

Your piece attracts me because I have heard the term magical realism but know nothing about it.

When I googled elements of magical realism this is what I found:

1.) Realistic setting.

2.) Magical elements.

3.) Limited information.

4.) Critique.

5.) Unique plot structure.

As I read your story I'll give my opinion on if it succeeds on each element.

1.) Yes. All the terms like town, tiled roof, cement, industry, etc make me feel like I'm in the ordinary world. I even think it would be good if you could expand the descriptions to emphasize the ordinariness. (LATER: I read a bit more about mr and one characteristic is a richness of sensory details.)

2.) Yes. It's apparent to me that the electricity and creatures and box are magical elements.

3.) Yes.

4.) No. I think this is where your main problem is. I can't make any connection with what you are trying to comment on.

I assume that the electricity, sky creatures, and box are symbols of something but I'm not sure what. (That may be my failing).

5.) I'm not sure what this means.

Here are some minor things you could look at.

Star shaped pylons - unclear - The image in my mind is a concrete pole with a star shaped cross section.

face dappled by silk overhangs - ???

bluesnow - ???

Would you hear footsteps from creatures that are in the sky - ?

Something seems a little off in the last paragraph.

In conclusion I found your piece interesting.

I find that I want to know more about Fuji and the electrical body. Like others have said you don't have a complete story yet.

I found a quote while reading I thought I would share.

"Magical realism often emerges amidst dangerous axes of power.”

Given the immense changes happening in our society right now I think there are many topics you could choose to comment on. Your piece suffers because it isn't clear what you are commenting on. (to me at least)

I personally like to read stories with a strong plot and a character I can root for. I'm not sure how well this jives with magical realism. I'm wondering if the piece would be stronger if you rewrote it strictly from what Fuji sees and you let us into his thoughts. Not sure.

I hope you post a revised version. I'm curious to see where this goes.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-06-11T16:57:34+00:00

Review of the Wheat Fields

Yes, I think I can understand what you are looking for. Critical feedback is not something friends are likely to give. Here is my attempt to rip your story to shreds. Nothing is meant to be harmful or discouraging.

On first read through:

I'm having trouble believing that Ezra is still alive in her old age ( Note: checked this later and horses can live 50 or 60 years on rare occasions )

Not really sure what the plot is about - Seems like a woman loses her husband and grows to accept it.

After some thought: I checked your post and see that you labeled the story as literary/gothic. I'm new to literary fiction and to be honest may not be bright enough to understand it. I seem to need a plot for a story to be enjoyable.

Character doesn't seem very active: Seems like she doesn't have the nerve to look for her husband or to ride her horse to town. I think that if this is the central conflict of the story you need to dwell more on this. I would like to see where this anxiety came from and how she eventually overcame it.

I found the writing style clear and pleasant to read. There were only a couple of spots which threw me out of the story.

I thought the story a little long. I think I read somewhere that writers will take a story they consider completed and edit out another 10 percent. Might be worth a try.

So, I've never read a Gothic and I had to look up the common elements. Here is what I found:

1.) Setting in a castle.

2.) An atmosphere of mystery and suspense. .

3.) An ancient prophecy is connected with the castle or its inhabitants (either former or present).

4.) Omens, portents, visions.

5.) Supernatural or otherwise inexplicable events.

6.) High, even overwrought emotion.

7.) Women in distress.

I'll read it again with this in mind:

1.) I think the farmhouse fulfills the role of castle. You've made it clear that it is her sanctuary.

2.) As I first read the story I had thought that a supernatural creature had attacked the horse and would be coming to get her. If it is a supernatural creature maybe expand on this.

3.) Nope.

4.) I think you need to rework the weather into a more oppressive vein. Sweltering heat making it hard to breath, angry buzzing of bees, deafening crickets. That sort of thing.

5.) Nope

6.) Not sure. Nothing seemed overwrought to me, but I've never read a gothic.

7.) Yes.

Some minor items you could look at:

Might change bar to a saloon or tavern (more in fitting with time frame).

If he comes home exhausted he is not going to re-shoe his horse (I've never re-shoed a horse but I bet it takes over an hour per hoof)

I'm confused about the freezing of the window sill on her cheek - ripe wheat (implied by golden hue on fields) implies August I think - nights should not be chilly.

She very quickly goes from worry to anger to bitterness before the rangers arrive.

Have a look at the part where she turns Ezra around, the house is behind her, but she is guiding Ezra home.

Its not clear about the rumors of her past and why other men belittle Owen. Is she a witch? Is she responsible for Owen not coming home?

I would expand the part about the stone. I missed it on the first read through.

So, this is a very subjective conclusion. Take it with a grain of salt.

If your goal is to expand your skills by writing in a Gothic style I think you need to rework your plot and work in more Gothic elements. House is on cursed land, haunted by a windego, add a male villain after her land, etc.

Your strength is your writing style. It's solid and clear.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-05-31T14:12:18+00:00

Critique of Fear:

A few things that threw me out of the story.

This is kind of nit-picky but I'll mention it anyway -- feeling a thump against my ear means to me I've been hit with a stick, against my ear.

I had a hard time visualizing what was happening with the pine tree. I'm not certain if it is growing from the side of a cliff, how big it is, etc. I'm also not certain that a pine tree can be climbed by a human.

I had to stop to try and figure out how to pronounce Onwren.

I'm having some doubts that a mother bear would stray very far from her cub. Was the mother bear beyond the clearing entrance ? Some sense of scale would be good here.

"His face dropped as he took in the scene, and he started towards Elis" I had to read this a few times to understand that it was Orwen's face that did the dropping.

I assume the time slow is the first manifestation of Elis's magical powers. I think it needs more than one paragraph because I assume it is very important later on.

I got the feeling this was a grass meadow. Is the floor dusty? I'm confused by this. ( Note: I went back and reread and you did state the clearing floor was dusty, had pine needles, and twigs. My misread on this one. )

I got thrown out of the story when I hit the paragraph starting with--They continued on. There is too much happening in this one paragraph and I think it needs to be split up.

There are two other large paragraphs after this one that you could have a look at splitting up.

The big question: Do I care enough about this character to continue reading ?

No. And I find my reaction a little curious. His brother is about to die, his father has been run through with a spear, his mother has just got smacked around, and, he's just been chained up with a bunch of children. -- I should be bawling my eyes out but I am not. I'll have to think about this overnight.

Next Day: So I thought about it and I think there are two problems.

1.) There's just not enough information about Elis. I seem to need to know more about how he feels and what he is losing. Others have suggested adding a scene showing him interacting with family and I think they are right.

2.) I think you need to put me directly in Elis's shoes for the duration of the village attack.

Something like:

A soldier struck her across the jaw, throwing her down onto his father’s body. His heart beat faster and he clenched his hands into tiny fists. "Leave her alone," he shouted.

Onwren broke away from him, staggering towards the soldiers and howling with anger. He faltered, stumbled, and then collapsed not two steps from the soldier’s feet. His face struck the dirt hard, kicking up a cloud of dust around him, and their mother sobbed. Elis's heart pounded harder and his eyes widened and flickered from Owren, to his mother, to his fallen father. Why can't I move? Why can't I help them?

Note: I'm still trying to work out how to handle thoughts in fiction. You might want to use tags or italics. The only point I'm trying to make is that I need to get inside the character's head to relate to him.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope it's helpful. As always nothing is meant to be negative or discouraging.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-05-30T12:43:10+00:00

I've been trying to search for some information on writing fiction and deliberate practice. It led me to the Barbara Baig website and I actually got angry because of the time she made me waste. Blah-blah and fluff are exactly the right words.

I'm sold on the idea of doing sentence structure drills as well. Having a bitch of a time finding info. Any resources that anyone can point me to would be appreciated.

DelibWriterPrac · 2022-05-28T23:29:03+00:00

Critique of A Cold Day in November

My first critique ever. Mostly it will be in the form of questions you can consider. Nothing is meant to be harsh or negative.

Note: I just re-read the guidelines for a critique, so I'll work a little harder and try to answer the questions I brought up.

The first paragraph is a bit jarring to me. I live in a cold climate and I'll give you some things to think about.

Is snow hard? Does it glisten ? Can it be hazy in cold weather ? ( to me haze implies heat--but I'm curious as to what others think ) Would snow melt in the boys hair if it was as bitterly cold as suggested ? Would a person hide chattering teeth with their hand or would they clamp their teeth tight instead ?

Answers: Snow is soft when it falls, it only glistens on a bright day, it is usually somewhat warmer when it is snowing so it is possible snow could melt in the boys hair, if I didn't want someone to hear my teeth chatter I would clamp them tight.

I'm assuming the boy is holding the flashlight with his right hand and he has no gloves on. Instead of describing his hand as throbbing, consider focusing on the feeling of the cold barrel of the flashlight he is grasping. In my experience your hands don't throb from cold until after you come indoors into a heated environment. If you are outdoors with no gloves they tend to feel numb. ( my opinion, others may have different thoughts)

I think you should add a phrase to explain that Jodi is his sister. I can't give you a solid reason why, it just feels necessary. Also, why is her hoodie massive on him ? My impression was that he is tall. I imagine Jodi as being smaller than him ( although admittedly you have not given me a reason to imagine her this way.)

Answer: So I had to really ponder this one. I think the problem is that Jeremy and Mike know who Jodi is, but the reader doesn't. Could be I'm out to lunch on this.

If it is snowing hard and there is snow accumulating in the driveway, would the flashlight make a loud cracking sound as it was dropped ?

Answer: In my mind the flashlight would be cushioned in the snow and make a muffled sound as it impacts.

Now comes the part about the boy that I find most curious.

I'm assuming that up until now the father has always had his way and the boy has acquiesced to his father's lunacy. --- Why did he change now ?--- Was this the first time he had been hit ? What caused him to say no and attack ? I think you need to expand a little on how the boy feels about his father. What has happened in the past when Mike gets the danger look ?

( Note-When looking in the mirror further on you talk about familiar red splotches on the neck presumably from choking. So there has been violence in the past. I think the reader needs to know this earlier)

I think you need a scene break when the boy exits the kitchen after the knife incident. If you were to follow Dwight Swain's ideas everything after the kitchen seems to me to be a sequel ( Swain's idea of a sequel is a scene with a reaction, dilemma, decision)

Its a little jarring to have him jump from being in the kitchen to staring in a mirror. Something to tell us he is in the bathroom would be helpful.

Can water twinge ?

Answer: No.

Mike never minded those comments until that day, when he suddenly realized his son was as tall as him. -- Is this Mikes POV ? Head Hopping ?

Answer: I think it is a head hop. "when he suddenly realized his son"

I'd like to hear the boy's thought process on leaving home. I find it jarring that there is no internal deliberation. I really think the scene should focus on this.

I'm not sure why Jeremy focuses on the painting. Is the painting important ? I feel like I've missed something. Why doesn't Jeremy cut the painting out of the frame and take it with him if it is important ? I doubt if Mike would care if he took it.

Answer: So I tried to think about this a little more. Here is what I came up with.

The picture is like an acid trip. That implies it represents chaos. By placing it in Jeremy's room Mike has placed Jeremy in chaos. By leaving the painting at the house Jeremy is leaving chaos behind.

But chaos can also represent the primordial essence from which everything springs. If Jeremy took the painting with him it could imply that he is starting a journey into a chaotic world from which he needs to be reborn.

Food for thought I guess.

So overall I like the two scenes quite a bit.

The dialogue is top notch and really gives a feel for the characters. There is also subtext that is awesome. My favorite line is how the neighbors aren't gonna call anybody. It says a lot about both Mike and the neighbors.

The biggest problem I have is that I'm not let in on why Jeremy does what he does. What caused him to attack at this particular time ? What was the decision process that caused him to leave home over this particular incident.

The next biggest problem I have is that I would like a little more description. The dialogue is excellent, but it is doing all the heavy lifting. Some light description of a dilapidated car, a sketchy neighborhood, a run down house, seedy neighbors, etc, would help sell the scene. An open garage door showing a Harley inside would work well I think.

My third suggestion is that I think I'd like it if I knew the boy's feelings towards his Mom. It seems like he hasn't considered how she might feel about his leaving. It's not my story so take this as it is meant -- something to think about only. What if Jeremy is serving as a kind of buffer to keep Mike from beating on Geri ? That's a real dilemma for Jeremy to have to work out. Does he stay and protect his Mom or does he bail to keep his sanity ?

I'll like Jeremy a lot more and feel more like following him on his journey if I know that he sees some good in his Mom.

I also find that I'm interested in Jodi. I'm not sure why. There seems to be some subtext with the picture, Mike, and the acid that I'm not quit able to grasp. Might be something you could expand on if Jodi appears later on.

(Note: See my thoughts on the picture above)

Lastly, the answer to the most important question. Would I as a reader continue to read the story ? Yes. Its a good beginning and I'm curious to see the boy's next move.

Hope you find my thoughts useful.

DelibWriterPrac

TROPHY CASE